"Take me away to a dream and I will live like it was real, wake me up to reality and I'll live it like it was a dream."
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This story is a sequel to Flightless Destiny
When Rainbow Dash is injured how will she ever learn to not fly when she is grounded forever?
But perhaps maybe a certain young little filly can help her out to get through her pain, sorrow, and despair...
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Wow that was sad but... I like it, you don't always see this kind of thing and its well done here.
7904074
Wow really?
Where did I go write? I mean right? (Get the pun?)
Please tell me so I can do it again and replicate it in the nearby future!
(Your comment is valued!)
7904076 Well I like what you did as a bit of a role reversal, you see Rainbow Dash comforting and helping Scootaloo a lot, but you don't often see it the other way around like this.
I like the concept here of Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo switching roles. However, the way it was written lacked the impact a story like this should have.
For example, in the beginning, and when it becomes a series of short one sentence paragraphs, it reads like a checklist or bullet points. Rainbow dash flys, gets injured, her life is saved, but told she may never fly again because of how reckless she flew. Though she's sad she wouldn't change a thing. It's a bit dry to read and for a story that is meant to have an emotional impact, it takes away from the emotion. This is a bit of a common theme throughout, it's a bit too bare. I recommend using some imagery and metaphors don't be afraid to get descriptive with the events. For example at the beginning liken her to Icarus for example. Make it more awe-inspiring so when the crash comes it's a lot more powerful.
For example, write her as flying up into the sky like an angel. The sun dancing on her spectrum mane as the wind and crowd cheered her name. something along those lines, powerful adjectives of her and the sky around her. Paint the reader a picture. Then when her wing snaps go for a complete tone shift. As if she were falling into Tartarus from her paradise in the sky.
Not only would I recommend being more descriptive with the events taking place but also the emotions. I think the weakest part and the part the part that jumps out at me the most is this line here.
This is too quick of a summary of her emotions. Rainbow Dash gets over it too quickly for the reader to get properly invested. Be more descriptive and feel free to write big emotions. Have her cry and scream at the doctors and then have her come to grips with her new reality. It needs to be a ride for the reader. Another good way to help with this is in the dialogue. I noticed in almost every bit of dialogue it was a lot of "said" "said" use other words too like sighed. It adds more flavor to the dialogue.
So in summary, be more descriptive of course don't get too wordy. However, in my opinion, when it comes to emotional stories like this, err on the side of being too wordy rather than being too bare. Feel free to throw in some more flowery language if you think it needs it.
7914800
Wow, thanks.
7914842 No problem I'm still struggling with writing myself and struggling to get some constructive comments to improve.