<---- Falco Judging your cringe
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Incomplete1,348 stories ·455 members
This story is a sequel to Just What Friends Do
The Dragon Lands are in an abhorrent state as of late. Seven long years of gangs ripping through settlements, economic implosion, low birthrates; the list goes on. She knows she isn't her father but she'd be damned to the furthest depths of Hell before she let her home crumble beneath her feet. With the help of some old friends she may just avoid such a fate.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice one sequel already though if played right you can link the nsfw on the first one here for more sex there by leading up to it here
Ok all I can say is you need a gore tag
Well, it was kinda stupid for the 6 (or is it 4, since Twi's in the castle, and Pink's not really doing her job) to forget that most dragons are VERY selfish, and wouldn't care about anything that didn't directly benefit themselves
Wow, that sequel got started up fast!
Looks like the Mane Six and Spike got one helluva wake-up call.
How in Tartarus are these seven supposed to fix all this? They need to contact Celestia for some type of aid, especially medical aid.
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Just added it back
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Pinkie will be of use, but you know how she is. She caught a whiff of something nice and she went to investigate. Whether or not that led to a useful solution I can't say. In midst of dragons being very selfish, well let's just say that seeing these ponies defend them with their lives could have an impact or not
7953172
This is more than a fine mess that they've gotten themselves into. Honestly I thought I rushed it but I feel like it was a okay start. Smog did say that what happened was the realities of what goes on outside of the protection of Equestria hence "You're not in Equestria Anymore".
This is Hardcore! When Spike is angry watch out.
7953212 also i have a merc oc team that can handle themselves against dragons in a fight if you wanna call them in as backup
Thank yous!
Don't mess with Spike!
Haven't read it yet, but is reading the prequel to this necessary?
7953954
Not really
7953991 Ok, good. I'm trying to break away from clops, and this story was sounding like it could be pretty good.
7954643
Then I hope you aren't disappointed
Speaking of wings, where's Spike's?
KO awesome chapter, hope the girls will try to get along soon so they can talk of what to do in the situation and hope to will the dragons to learn friendship as well.
just saying but i have a oc tearm of mercs that have fought dragons before and live in the everfree if you wanted to use them as a way to help the others train for any combat situathions id be happy to help
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I didn't plan on him having wings really. He wasn't born with them so I tried to change it up where they don't grow in later in his life. I could change that but right now Idk.
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Thanks a bunch m8
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And you know what? I just might hold you to that. I haven't thought as far ahead as more combat yet since I'm going to try to be more lore, socially, and 'politically' heavy this next chapter.
Spike could be the Dragon Knight.
hm... he's apparently got dragon magic that ember didn't know existed... I wonder what else he can do with it?
7965861 its cool man just figured since there in a land were the weak are attacked they should know how to defend and have the mindset to kill if needed
also my thereoy as to why ember is not using the staff because altghough spike gave her it hes the dragon lord and as such the combat ablitys of the dragon lord are passed to him when enraged
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By Jove! You're a clever one!
7966827 thanks i used spoilers in case people dont wanna know it
7966827 UUUUHHHHHHHH im out of chapters
So, any plans on how the Mane 6 will find out about Spike and Ember?
7965861 personally i would prefer it if spike doesn't get wings as it keeps him unique and if i'm not mistaken during the gauntlet of fire episode ember actually brought up the fact he didn't have wings like there something that dragons are born with so you could say that it's a rare genetic defect or a side effect of twilight's magic hatching him.
now on to the actual review.
i love how the conscious embers of the main 6 acted here they kept to who they are while showing their element's and spike's turmoil over having killed someone and thinking of how things could have been different and also his naivety about how they could be reformed as bandits usually did have the choice to be helpful members of but chose a life of raiding because of the believed wealth they could get from it.
Rainbow acted beautifully as this is the first time she's seen real violence and death/murder, (while the changeling attack was violent there wasn't any death as far as we can tell) so her acting more abrasive than usual is understandable even how she went straight to blaming Ember for this she is scared and needs someone to blame so she blames the one who brought them here but still willing to stay because she said she would help... and revenge can't forget revenge.
Applejack was also well don here as she is the only one who really understands their are not only out of their element but also out of their depth and want's out of there regardless of why they came here (especially with the fandom's theory that her parents died) so she would know how it would effect others if they died. Rarity's element also shined here as she admits she is scared but want's to help because of how people are suffering with out a real government and wants to help not for any reward but to ease their suffering.
Fluttershy was also great as she immediately went to helping Twilight before she let everything catch up to her and freeze. And I love how Twilight was understanding about Spike's admission of killing and remembering How he is a dragon and acknowledging it you don't know how annoying it is to find a story in which Twilight treats spike as a pony despite the fact he is a dragon.
all in all a really great chapter and i think this is the longest review i have ever written.
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but give it some time. Bigger fish are frying
Of course
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Well thank you a ton actually
I was absent from FIMFiction for almost a year and this was one of the stories that I came back with. Really I hopped over to Fan Fiction.net to practice and it payed off (along with binging on mlp to get a better feel of the characters). Really I was kind of afraid with Rarity where she hushed up Rainbow cause I know Rarity can be wise but she doesn't really portray that she can snap easily but when she does well yeah
And I know that a lot of us romanticize about Spike growing into having wings but I believe I'll leave him without. I like how it works and it'll be something that won't subtract from his dragon sorcery. Like Twilight's book said; dragons have a heightened amount of innate magic. And with Spike hooo boy I'm gonna have a field day with it!
I should have put this last chapter, but I still feel it's appropriate:
So, is any of them going to wise up and remember there is at least one other princess that might be able to help with this fiasco or at least get a medical crew there to help Twilight?
7966782 Wooooooooow. That's deep.
7968945 That Video
And take it like this. You're in a foreign land and Twilight said that they would arrive in two days while they were already en route. Any medical help that Twilight can get is at least a week away. Its not impossible but it is a long ways away
7965660 I hope not. I want Ember to fix this problem her way not the Equestria way.
huh... maybe he felt the power of the Bloodstone Scepter (he was the first one to touch it, after all)
PS
ih1.redbubble.net/image.172076582.1893/flat,800x800,075,f-c,0,75,800,331.u1.jpg
7977443
Damnit! I thought I hid it better than that
7977447 Kinda hard to hide determination
I think it wasnt Determination that Ember was filled with.
As for Chrone, can we take him out back and interrogate him about his links to the barbarian squads? I mean, he has the choice. Either his attitude prooves his guilt, or he changes his attitude. If he isnt guilty and power grabbing Grand vizier, then his survival instincts would make him realise that he is looking like a BBQ.
Sweet work and time skip I wonder I it's gonna be a warzone start
7977447 KO awesome chapter, looks like things are starting to up for our heroes as they continue to help Ember with her kingdom.
Also just saying add a sex tag because someone is bound to ask if there sleeping together
7977495
Hehehe...
And Chrone is just an old dragon who likes things the traditional way.
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They were just cuddling
7977788 I meant there gonna be getting close as time goes by so there bound be noticed as a couple
A chance for Ember to dissect the relationship of Twilight and Spike and the Royal Scales Couple hope to tell the Mane 6 about their relationship.
7977430 I think a combination of the two would be best. It's obvious from what Cinder said that the dragon way doesn't work. And is the reason why wild raiders roam the lands killing and looting random villages.
Laws and a structured government are pretty much needed to help reshape the kingdom, but the laws need to be crafted around dragon society and needs. They can't simply be copy pasted from pony laws.
Hmm.... Where to begin with this?
This story, spawned as a Sequel from a touching Clopfic, has taken on a life of it's own from the looks of things. If'n I had to make a guess, you just wanted to write a oneshot- and be one and done with it, right Mr. AuthorWriterMan? (I'm not going to type your Name. Use 8-16 Characters and only Letters of the Alphabet and Numbers please, no Special Characters.)
Either way, I applaud you for having the DETERMINATION to carry it on for this long. You've carried this story far and it can honestly only go farther from here. However, if I'm to give some Creative Criticism here, I'm beginning to wonder if you are setting goals that are too lofty- and far bigger than you might be able to handle....
Then again- this is just a simple Love Story.... You have a simplistic foundation, and you can keep the story going strong- you already seem to be giving it quite a lot of thought and effort.... But the other Elements in play here have me worried that you are losing focus on the main Subject of the Story, and focusing more on the World's Development's, and the Smaller Details- making them seem bigger than they necessarily need to be- pulling a good chunk of the Attention away from the Reason we came to this Unlisted Sequel to Begin with: Sweet Shipping.
Translation: (Basically- too much Focus on 'Oh Shit, we're not in DragonLand anymore To-To' and not enough on the Lovely Shipping Material on display, Spike and Ember. Like- Seriously. Have them wake in bed together for once. It wouldn't kill to be like 'Ohshit, hello Handsome~ Go run off before you get discovered.' Or maybe a 'Ohshit, I'm kinda dating and mating the Queen of the Dragons- dafuq, does this make me king, Why is my mind not being sufficiently blown?')
Now don't get me wrong- that's actually a good thing by some standards. That's actually a REALLY good thing- you've brought a wonderful sense of Scale Forwards to the Reader, one that kind of outlines that their Relationship and all of the Questions that come with it are kinda needing to be put on hold cuz Lives are on the line.... The Only Problem is- there hasn't been ANY time that they've both had together to where they can both kinda Question "Well what does this mean for us? Are we in Love? What's with the Glowing Eyes- does that mean we're slated to love each other? Is it Fate? Are we Forever?" So on and So forth. I'm hoping you'll remedy this in the Following Chapter, but beyond that... It seems like the Shipping and Relationship Idea (let's face it. When you mentioned Ember couldn't get the Scepter to work, we all knew that meant that Spike could make it work instead because he's the real Leader, so you obviously intend to make him king and thus ship them to Marriage, or the Dragon Equivalent.) has REALLY taken a FAR, Far, far back seat in comparison to everything else.
Simple Explanation:
I like the Story you were Telling. I like the Story you are Spinning. But while the Story your Spinning is interesting, I'm also Really interested in the Story you were Telling before, so can I get more of that please? Thank you.
Other than that? .... You're doing a Damn Fine Job. I hope you continue keeping up with the Good Work, and I hope this little comment spurs you on to write more chapters to this lovely little story.
(Edit) THEN AGAIN: Maybe I'm just stupid and you've shifted the Story from a Romance to an Action Packed Saga about the Rise of a great Nation and Leaders that will undoubtedly follow. WHO KNOWS?!
images1.tickld.com/live/434244.jpg
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This is the comment I've been looking for
Sorry, I enjoy critiques; yes I appreciate all comments but these are the one's I write for. Okay I'm done gushing.
You are right there. I have been focusing on trying to set up basically the opposite of Equestria and in doing so I have almost overshadowed the romance with the situation at hand. But I have put a few spots where Spike and Ember interacted in a romantic way (In the middle of chapter 3 when he asked if she needed company, and at the end of chapter 3 when she offers to help him to organize the scrolls from the meeting). It isn't all full body kissing kind of interaction but just a small one that couple do normally have.
That well... The night before I was forced to Watch Twilight: Breaking Dawn pt.3 (That was NOT the inspiration for this) and I figured well if werewolves imprint, why can't two creatures who live for hundreds of years? In nature a lot of animals mate for life and the glowing eyes were an example of dragon magic stating that "You are bonded for life".
I am really glad that you've enjoyed this (and even enjoyed it enough) to leave you advise and opinions. I am writing the next chapter right as we speak so expect something soon. Oh and:
Sorry bruv. I wouldn't be me if I weren't extra
P.s. You can call me "Freesh" or "Free". And if you want to be formal: Mr. Free Shavacado
7991711
......
*Cracks his Knuckles and begins to Type*
Firstly- I'd be happy to write more comments for Stories like these. x3 More of these 4 AM 'I'm Bored, so I'm gonna Critique some Fanfiction cuz I haven't anything else better to do.' (Not really- I just like Helping people Write amazing stories through ACTUAL Constructive Criticism. x3) So, Gush all you like. Trust me, I know what it's like to be a starving Author looking for Helpful and Creative Criticism for Inspirations to help improve myself and my stories.
Now then, Onto this lovely Conversation-
Oh Stop it! You had me at 'You are right!'~
But seriously- Yes yes, I understand fully what you are saying here, you don't need to quote me the Specific Points about when they made with the Snu-Snu, or when they cuddled, or talked- If you are PLANNING on bringing up the Romance, then Wonderful. Good. You're doing good.
I was more talking about their... MISSING REACTION to the fact that they both just suddenly went at each other like Depraved Animals (Bonus Points for making Dragons more Feral with Primal Mating Instincts, like the eye thing. I approve greatly.) I can Understand EMBER not questioning that fact- but if it was their First Kiss for BOTH of them- then just jumping Head First into bed with one another should be kinda making SPIKE (at the VERY LEAST) Question what they are to each other! Ember should be at least just a tiny bit more focused on the fact that she is kinda 'Mating' a Dragon whom is of Questionable Blood (his own History being a Mystery with Celestia) and how his image to her People as both a Hero and perhaps a Stranger might affect any Relationship she wishes to achieve with him. She should be a bit worried about the Impact that should be having on her Kingdom- the Fact that she just kinda threw herself at the Drake without a Care in the world. (God she needed some Stress relief though, good on her.)
And as for Spike?
No- You know what! You got me started. QUE THE CRITIQUE MUSIC!!!
*Deep Breath in*
Firstly and foremost, as a non-Dragonborn Dragon, Spike should be a little more apprehensive to randomly mating with someone he's only known as an old friend, let alone getting so comfy and cozy with her. I don't care how sheltered he was growing up in Equestria- You QUESTION yourself when you suddenly throw your entire BEING into being with ROYALTY of your Home-Species. (Dragons in this Case.) If your going to qoute things from chapters, then allow me to return the Favor.
SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE STORY YET!
After the Incident in Chapter Two where Blah Blah Blah, Fighting Death, Anime Badass Spike, Blah Blah Blah, Sitting on a hill, moping and being a disgruntled murderer, Spike is sitting up ontop of the hill, wondering what he did to get himself to that point where everything went Royally Wrong, Six Ways to Sunday.
Not. One. Thought. Not a single one, did he spare to think about his Relationship with Ember. Not one single INSTANCE did it cross his mind how that was going to change things- YES he just Slaughtered a whole Battalion of Raiders, and how he was upset over Twilight being Injured and what have you. (Also, TwiSpike Shipper huh? .... -nods- Saw you've wrote a few of those stories before. I'm gonna have to check those out after this.)
Anyway. Then Ember Arrived to Talk with him on the Hill.
Ember came. To talk to him. About how he was doing- how he did what he needed to do. Not because she was worried that the Drake she maybe might have loved had just run off to go and fight off the rest of the Raiders Single Handedly- No no. Just Worried for him as a friend- as she didn't Spare a SINGLE THOUGHT EITHER! I will re-read Chapter 2 after I finish writing this to be certain- but I'm fairly certain neither put in their own thoughts and outlooks towards each other as being in a Relationship! Hell- That entire Moment on the hill could have been sprinkled with even a HINT of 'I know we're like- kinda only Friends with Benefits but... I'm here for you if you need to talk'. THAT would have sufficed- but it's almost like they aren't even going to acknowledge the fact that they maybe sorta have feelings towards each other AT ALL.
-Rant over-
..... Okay.... That was the First Qoute... What else did you say?
Again, Understandable. I Fully understand this, but Once more, I will point out- there hasn't been any kind of Conversation between them As a "Couple." There has been nothing of the sort as far as the Reader knows. He's gone to her bedroom Twice, and that's as much towards the 'Romance' as we've honestly gotten. To my Knowledge- they haven't even admitted to one another that they are interested in becoming a couple- and Spike being Pony Raised, might want to be the one to bring that up since it's probably Different in DragonLand here.
Oh you poor bastard. Worry not, I feel your pain. -nods- Tis a terrible Tale to sit through, but at least we can all aspire to write better love stories by just trying.
O_O .... Bit Defensive, don'tcha think? Heh~
Right- Right, and there's nothing wrong with that line of thought naturally. I'd be more than willing to accept that Spike and Ember have both felt that connection now, and know what it means to eachother....
Except for one thing....
NEITHER OF THEM HAS SHOWN THAT THEY HAVE REALIZED THIS!
(Rant Start.... Again.)
For one thing- Spike WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS IS A DRAGON THING! Yes- make whatever rules and assumptions you like- BUT GIVE THE READER SOMETHING TO MAKE THE SAME ASSUMPTION OFF OF!
..... Heh-hem! ... I'm sorry for yelling.... I- ... I get a little touchy when the Authors forget to include the little details for the Reader to catch on- especially when they show (such as you have) that you can lead them into a certain way of thinking. (Like how Twilight might have some kind of feeling for Spike by how he was holding her when she was naked in chapter 3. Or perhaps how Spike might be the true King since Ember can't Activate the Bloodstone Scepter McGuyver.) You've shown you can include these Details, but you seem to really let the ball drop with the Romance part of it.
Now- I do love this story thus far. XD Minus all of the Crap I'm slinging here, I do love it. It's being wonderfully well done, and I know it's in good hands. And I'm more than willing to forgive ya for it- God knows I would have been too focused on the Romance and not enough on the Background, or the World by this point. Infact, if anything- I can forgive Spike for Being Oblivious to it all really, and Ember for that matter since she's still pretty new to her 'Job' of running a country. She wouldn't immediately think about how having a relationship suddenly might affect the People, for good or bad, and Spike for not even realizing that they are more than friends with Benefits, or maybe something more if they want to be....
.... But neither has Expressed the LOVE for one another.... Desire? Yes- they've shown that plenty 'Behind Closed Doors,' but.... They have yet to show me that they have true feelings for each other. That they have the Same Worry about how this is going to affect their friends and the Bigger Picture. That they do feel Something for one another- but not just say "I love you" out of the blue because they need to be in a relationship.
..... Gah. I think I'm burning myself out on this. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT: You are Seriously missing out on Relationship Developement of ANY KIND. And this being built off of A Clopfic, that's fine. That's to be Expected, I don't think anyone here is going to mind all that much (besides yours truly) but you need to start making SOME acknowledgement towards the fact that they are IN A RELATIONSHIP. As NEITHER CHARACTER has confirmed it- and it's EATING AT MY OCD SO BADLY-
..... -Deep Breaths- ..... Okay. I need to stop this here. XD
Hope I don't destroy your Comment Feed. Have a Lovely Day.
(PS)
.... How about I just call you Freesh. And you can call me Who. Savy?~
EDIT: Watch you just come along with the Fourth Chapter all ready to Post, and just make this ENTIRE RESPONSE absolutely Irrelevant. Just- Just watch. XD
Again, I have to ask. How exactly is a generic anthro "story" American? Because I see you've added your own material to the group.
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What group are you from? Cause I if you're from 'American Bronies' then I added it to made by, but noy necessarily for Americans. If you feel like the story shouldn't belong just remove it and I won't add it back
7996367 I'm not a group mod, so I can't do that.
7996445
Well... Sorry for the misunderstanding? If you want to read you can (even if it's generic). Clichés can be annoying but can also be enjoyable.
The more I read this, the more I think Redopine hit the nail on the head with his comment in the first chapter.
Welcome to the world of Pinkie.
Does that help?