Big Brother

OmniFox

OmniFox #1 · Oct 5th, 2015 · · ·

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The essay was not the only magnificent thing Cheerilee was talking about.

Regis-Th3-Lesser

Regis-Th3-Lesser #2 · Oct 5th, 2015 · · ·

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6494102
Oh my

RQK

RQK #3 · Oct 5th, 2015 · · ·

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Good for a thirty minute run, although I would suggest an editing pass as well.

SpookyPrincesssa

SpookyPrincesssa #4 · Oct 5th, 2015 · · ·

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It was great

Regis-Th3-Lesser

Regis-Th3-Lesser #5 · Oct 5th, 2015 · · ·

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6494302
Well I guess that's what happens in a speed write

I will go through and edit it myself

6494329
Glad you like it

Just Defender

Just Defender #6 · Oct 5th, 2015 · · ·

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Man, I love being a big brother.

Regis-Th3-Lesser

Regis-Th3-Lesser #7 · Oct 5th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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6494824
You and me both

ProbableSarcasm

ProbableSarcasm #8 · Oct 14th, 2015 · · ·

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Let's dwell into this caven of a speedwrite, shall we?

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OH FUCK THAT HURT DON'T CRACK YOUR KNUCKLES!!!

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*AHEM*

First of all, the structure of the story itself. Of course, it's a one-off short story to be neat and cute. However, comma, with every story that needs worked on, it felt like the tone shifts back and forth occasionally. I can't say if you took the story seriously, because the entire premise looks rushed and quite frankly shoved out of the wood works.

“Hey guys!” Scootaloo enthusiastically greeted.
“Mornin’ Scootaloo!” Applebloom Jeered.
“Hey Scootaloo,” Sweetie Belle greeted.
“So how about a round of applause for the new undisputed champions of the Sisterhooves Social!”

The dialog wasn't painful to read, however, comma, it was the moments between the dialog that had me teetering on the verge of awkwardness. The story felt awkward, which is not supposed to be the case.

Alright ponies. Eyes wide, ears open, and mouths closed. Applebloom you may read when you're ready.”
Applebloom swallowed hard, nearly choking on the pit of anxiousness lodged in her throat.
“Well, on Sisterhooves Social. I... I uh...” her words became stuck. She didn't want to embarrass herself with her essay. Everypony would laugh, but then she thought about cousin Orchard Blossom. How Mac didn't show any shame in what he did. How he only wanted one thing, to make his little sister happy. So with a deep breath she put her paper on Cheerilee's desk.
“Yesterday was the Sisterhooves Social. My sister Applejack had to leave on a mission to Manehattan unfortunately. So my brother Big Macintosh decided to fill her role.”
“Wait, that big red mare was your brother?!” Diamond Tiara chortled. “Wow, I never Knew Big Mac made such a pretty lady!” she cackled rousing the whole class into a loud cacophonous laughter.
“So what if he did. He earned the one thing that is impossible to get! My respect! He went into that social and showed himself out for me, because he knew I wanted to win! He did everything he could at the expense of his own reputation!” the classroom went silent, even Diamond Tiara. “He showed me the true spirit of the social. Togetherness, the bond that we share with all our family, not just our sisters. Before that I had been treating him like he was invisible. Like he was just there to take up space. I know blew that you can't take anyone that you consider a brother or a sister for granted. I love Big Mac, dress or not. That was my Sisterhooves Social.”

I find myself reading one lines between every character, and then suddenly a huge brick of text. My eyeballs weren't ready for the sudden impact, which honestly makes the story hard to read--if not hard to read, just an awkward turn to a rocky start to a very promising one-shot.

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I'll let it slide, but watch the dialog next time.

The next, the story itself.

Once upon a time...
chilelupico.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/house.jpg

Okay, on a more serious note, I had no idea what was happening the entire time. This sort of story, with the specific elements you included, needs to have explanation, and a well written explanation at that. Otherwise, you're going to lose the attention of the reader because they're trying to figure out what the bloody hell they just read two 'paragraphs' in.

Details matter, they guide the reader, not just situational awareness. Even though this was speed-writing, as your comments suggest, it's a rookie mistake for writing. (I would know rookie mistakes) As I look into the story, I often find myself disengaged. It's tough to keep track of the situation because of the constant scene changes, and then this

Big Brother
Yesterday was the Sisterhooves social. The event that I had been waiting for all year since me and Applejack couldn't compete together last year. We practiced for weeks on stuff like jugglin', Pie eatin', and singin'. We were a shoe in to win, but, she's an element of harmony so she had to leave to solve a friendship problem in Manehattan.
I know my sister is the coolest sister alive, but why did she have to leave when I need her most. I mean yeah she has a duty to Equestria, but why before the social? When she left my hopes of winning the social were crushed like tiny little pecans before Granny bakes them into a pie. Anyway I was left with no one to compete in the social with. Until my goofy brother, Big Macintosh showed up dressed like a big mare, callin' himself Orchard Blossom. At first I fell over on my keister laughing, but after I saw how serious Mac was, well. The fear of embarrassment shoved that out the way.
Never in my life would I have though Big would do something like that. He must have had more than enough enough screws loose in that noggin of his, probably from hammerin' us some new shoes on that anvil in the barn. But he was so confident and ready to be this new “cousin” he didn't care what it took to win.
At that point I thought he went nuttier than a squirrel who found a treasure chest full of acorns, but I know why he did it. Mac isn't the type of stallion to tell ponies how he feels, and honestly I feel bad for making him feel that way. Just because Applejack is a super mare who saves Equestria doesn't mean that I could ignore what being a true hero is about. Love and devotion to your family, and doing whatever it takes to bring a bright cheery smile to their faces.
What Sisterhooves Social taught me is that not only sisters share that special bond that makes you sisters, but we all share that special bond that makes us sisters and brothers.
Applebloom...

It's a letter, but there's no indication of a letter! No italics (master of italics here!), no font change, nothing.

For grammar, I can't complain. You had a few fragments here and there, a couple run-ons, easy mistakes that I won't bother pointing out.

If I had to grade this story, you get four spikes out of ten. It's a promising idea with a thoughtful meaning, but the execution is done poorly. I would have rated lower if it wasn't for a speed write. I'm impressed, thirty minutes and that? That's skill.

Regis-Th3-Lesser

Regis-Th3-Lesser #9 · Oct 14th, 2015 · · ·

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I would have rated lower if it wasn't for a speed write. I'm impressed, thirty minutes and that? That's skill.]

W-Well thank you. Honestly, after reading your review I did not expect that at the end

But, yeah. This is one of those spur of the moment ideas that I usually do. One of my others, "What's Faster Light or Sound...?" Is my first and most successful. If you'd like to read it then by all means go ahead.

Camelot Mistress