<---- Falco Judging your cringe
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Celestia and Luna have been the subject of mystery and controversy for as long as there has been history. Now, with the realization that they are much more than what they seem, and the re-emergence of an ancient enemy. all who call Equestria home will have their, might, love, will, and strength tested by enemies of a shrouded past.
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Nice :3
9279994
Thank you
Second image doesn't like black background
9304105
Is that better?
9304150
I can see it on my kindle now, though the first image doesnt work on pc/firefox... weird
This... is... AMAZING
!!!! Finally, more people making halo crossovers!!! I must thank you in creating this wonderful story you have written so I read more halo crossover!!! For this, you have my undying support for this story to continue 
!!! Hope to see more of this soon 
.
I'm glad for the halo crossover. I'm glad it isn't a George story rewrite. And I'm glad/scared it has the flood on a habitable planet
9347748
Why thank you, and you have good cause to be scared
Next chapter will hopefully be a Christmas gift :3
9347965
Glad to see you are just as fun as always
Good start, a refreshing flare. Please continue onwards to adventure
OMG I can't believe you did that!
9430539
I do not apologize, but I do understand why you are distressed
Gonna read this tonight.
Considering you confirmed the UNSC, will you bring Master Chief into this or a Spartan/Spartan Squad?
9431753
No. Cheif won't be mentioned in this story nor will he appear. I can confirm that this takes place directly after the events of Halo 4 since this shield world was awakened by the signal that Requiem emitted when it scanned Cheif.
If you want to know why the flood has arrived on Equestria, the infected ship was the one sent to find out what happened to the UNSC Mona Lisa in Halo: Evolutions - Essential Tales of the Halo Universe
9431789
Well that answers half of my question. But what about a generic Spartan character of your creation or Spartan Squad?
9431798
Nope, just the ponies vs. the flood
9431811
Thats still good, would be cool to see Celestia and Luna atain their unrestrained forms to fight the infection.
Alrighty, long promised feedback time. Forgive me, I kinda feel like this is ripping you up like the Booty Warrior and Chris Handsome.
I've been trying to figure out how to properly order my thoughts on this story.
It's like... okay? I really like her... mane?
Fuck it. X gon give it to ya!
I'm not going to hold back. Just know this story is a 5/10, it's not like it's even on the bad side of the spectrum. You're just a capable author and you did ask for the gospel truth. I'd be a bad friend and reviewer if I didn't really play this to the hilt.
This story really bugged me and I couldn't figure out why. It took a long time to figure out what my issues were. I am sorry it took forever to write up this assessment. The issues and notes also apply to other stories of yours. This review isn't just a review of this fic alone, it's also an appraisal of patterns I see in other stories of yours -- consider this a general assessment of your writings. This is intended to help you properly understand and revolutionize your writing, hopefully getting you past the rut it's been in for a while.
Real talk, there's too much dialogue in this story and it's excessive. I have the same problem when I edit for Sparky. Your characters talk too much. You have a serious problem with making there be far too much dialogue. Dialogue is an essential component of stories. The problem, however, is that stories aren't an auditory medium. They aren't film, radio, or theater. Very few prosaic narratives are borne solely by dialogue, and this isn't one, given the necessarily high emphasis on action. Action demands prose, and that means characters stop talking so that they can do things.
The fundamental problem is an imbalance between what you want to be the emphasis, and what your actual writing shows is the emphasis. Your plot demands that the emphasis be on the narration, but by bulk word count, the emphasis is put on dialogue.
At the core of this is that you don't apply the necessary richness to where you want the audience to pay attention. The weight of focus in a prose story isn't measured by the number of events per paragraph, but rather in the word count spent on something. With the exception of a few longer paragraphs, almost everything is written in short paragraphs, and a vast majority of those, too, being spliced and interrupted with dialogue. This creates the feel that everything is running by quickly and that the dialogue is the emphasis when the real thing you are hoping the emphasis would be on is actually on the narration. I'm-a yeet an example into here of what I mean.
In this paragraph, you are attempting to give exposition with an illustration. It works. However, because Luna is talking during it and interrupting the exposition, the reader interprets her talk as more important and it reduces the value of what is going on. However, given that there is a visual aid, the emphasis needs to be on the action to make it work. If you wanted the narration and not dialogue to take focus, here is how you could do it.
Place the thing you want emphasized first in the paragraph. That's the mindset the reader will be in; people remember first and last things best, forgetting the middle. Also, your paragraph is, the revised version is 75% narration and 25% dialogue. The original is 53% dialogue, 47% narration. With the visual aid, all that's needed is minimal dialogue to explain it.
People by nature will be drawn to dialogue; we are automatically attracted to what others say. Dialogue will in general overpower narration unless narration outnumbers it by at least 2:1, and ideally 3:1.
Excessive dialogue doesn't just drown out your narration, it also foils your attempts to build atmosphere and environment. Some writers can instantly set up a place with a few words or otherwise paint a picture with words in short order. However, that's a rare talent, so you're going to have to do otherwise and make do with more. It's a crude guideline, but unless you put in 500 words of describing a place and how it feels before you get to your first 100 words of dialogue, the place may as well be a white name with some particular words attached to it. On return trips, try to spent at least 100 words describing things particular to the environment before you hit 300 words of dialogue. This will imbue your writing with great sense of place as well as that thing you seem to strive for above all, visual flare in the mind's eye.
You're also fighting your medium. You're thinking of your characters not as representations in ink but rather as actors in a film. What you are attempting to do is make an at least partially auditory medium transcribe directly to one that is neither. The advantage of prose is having practically unlimited space and time to make a rich tapestry layered with meanings, imagery, and devices. You aren't taking advantage of it, you are instead going in the quick and chatty direction of modern film.
This is showing especially strongly in two things. First, the frequency of dialogue. A quick look at the fic, and I wouldn't be surprised if up to 80% of all paragraphs contain dialogue. Second, how many scenes you conclude before you even hit 2000 words. I'm not going to be exhaustive, but I'd wager at least 50%. The end result is like you are forcing a cruel direct translation from a movie playing in your head to what the reader sees on the page. You're essentially trying to write a modern style movie, but in prose form. That's all well and good, but that's not taking advantage of the actual strengths of the written word, or neglecting that words don't come with a soundtrack, audio track, and visuals. You are instead treating your words like they are a tight comodity, like you need to shunt them out the door paratrooper style before they are blown out of the sky.
The second great problem with this story, and to some extent the rest of your writing, is that nobody seems to want anything. Or more accurately, with the exception of wanting to run out the plot, nobody seems to have any goals or aspirations. A basic tenet of storytelling is that every story is three things: a person we follow, something in their way, and what happens in between. These things are the protagonist, the conflict, and in the middle is drama, the human meat of the story the audience craves.
Quick, tell me what anyone wants in this story! Besides not wanting to be Flood chow. In short: why should we care? What does it matter to them, and therefore to us, if they don't get nommed by alien syphillis pus blisters? What is the immediate thing that justifies us wanting to see them survive and win? In short, what's their motivation? The princesses and everyone else want to keep Equestria alive, so that doesn't really cut it, it's not personal enough. What's the real thing at heart that makes them want to live and refuse to die? Don't tell me, make it emerge in the story.
Lack of relatability and motives has been an issue in your writing. I know you seem to like to have that stuff emerge slowly over the course of your stories, but the reader really does need to know that stuff before the fecal matter hits the oscillating blades. Thinking back to your other stories, we have characters with motivations that aren't too clear or don't make too much sense besides them just being the logical thing that needs to be there to make the story happen.
A reader needs 3 things to connect with a character and a story: identity, motive, personality. Identity is who they are. Easy ennough. Motive is what they want, and WHY that's important. Spell it out in meaningful terms. It's always something auxiliary to the main plot. Like a treasure hunter's quest for gold has the surface dimension of paying bills or having an adventure, the real motive is something like being terrified of poverty, or wanting to support someone they love. Motive is the personal to them thing the character gets from participating in the plot. Personality is just the collection of quirks a character has. Like enjoys garlic on pizza, only uses minced swears, or hates snooty-talking characters, especially ones with nice clothes and posh accents.
Lastly, this fic lacks impact. We aren't really made to understand the importance of anything except in relation to how the Flood getting X or Y would suck. Unfortunately, that doesn't really trigger the emotional part of the brain that cares and invests. So, sure, the changelings just got reamed by a gigantic fuck you from space, but there's no real way for us to feel the damage or impact. The terms you use only make us rationalize on an intellectual level that this would be bad, we don't actually feel it in our hearts.
Before I forget, your dialogue has far too many cases of said bookisms. There's nothing wrong with basic said in 80% or so of cases. There's also nothing wrong with synonyms, but they need to be applied carefully. It seem as if you just applied synonyms for said just for the sake of adding greater lexical diversity without really thinking it through. It's not that bad, actually, but try for 90% of your dialogue being tagged with said, asked, or implied by context. The special words are special because they imply specific manners of speech. The more you use them, the less impact they have.
Your grammar. Yeeeaaaaaaaah... At least you don't seem to hate commas! Get it proofed, please.
Okay, that's all the criticism I can think of for now. If you want to know more, you can hit me up. Time for some stuff you did well. I'm 5AM and I'm bare conscious, so I'm sadly going to have to make these all in all rather brief, but rest assured they would each get a meaty paragraph if I weren't exhausted.
* You did the crossover aspects well. I'm not very familiar with Halo past the trilogy chronologically, but I didn't have any problems with it or its inclusion.
* The sudden arrival of the Flood right on top of the changelings was a great idea and a fantastic way to kick your story into high gear.
* Having one of your characters die for real and pretty early in the story immediately adds tension to all future battle and makes your story earn its tags.
* I love the Celestia and Luna are secret Forerunners idea.
* Dialogue is snappy, witty, and effective
* Characters are distinct and true to themselves
* Story is entertaining
* As always you're ambitious and have plots that grow thicker with time
I'll be watching this to see where it goes. I hope this was helpful.
9470198
What do you want.
Why dont they just teleport?
When next AWESOME chapter!?
9634089
I was about to say why, but then I saw the comment that you read chapter 4 XD
9634140
Also, I will not give an ETA, but I am working on it again. Been a rough couple of months for me, but I've finally settled into my new house so I'm ready to get cracking again!
Looking forward to more AWESOME!
Come to think of it the Crystal Palace does look like it'll fit well in a Forerirunner installation.
9679712
Not a single complaint! Have fun and thank you! I’ll defini be keeping an eye out for it
The Flood!!! I thought Chief and Cortona killed all of them in Halo 3?! How did some of them survive?!
9739956
Read the comic HALO: Evolutions to see how the flood ended up on Equestria
9740489
Ok.
It does belong to one species: humanity. Although we’re so varied we might as well be a bunch of different species for all the difference it makes. The Forerunners’ mistake was usurping the Mantle instead of allowing humanity to inherit it from the Precursors.
Remember when the Forerunners thought keeping Flood samples was a good idea? Yeah. It wasn’t.
The Mantle was always humanity’s. Will this revelation be made ro Celestia and co? It would be great for the sisters to learn that the entire basis of their society was a lie and that the only reason the horrors they endured happened was because their ancestors were jealous asshats.
If I remember correctly and it hasn’t been retconned, Humanity split up the species in the war. Part of the species fought Forerunners in order to move lesser species out of the path of the Flood and burn firebreak worlds after moving everyone. The Forerunners got pissed at this, not knowing why humanity was doing that. Infected worlds were simply glassed.
Another part of humanity fought the Flood conventionally.
The last part had some sort of genetic poison that enabled them to remain in control of themselves after infection. So, they fed themselves to the Flood to fight fire with fire.
When facing the Flood, humanity saved everyone by sacrificing itself. The Forerunners sacrificed countless species to save themselves and when the Halo Array was made, the Librarian had to convince their ruling council to allow her to create the Conservation Measure. I mean, really, imagine how crappy they had to be that she had to argue with them to get approval for storing species to prevent their extinction via Halo.
We didn’t bring the Flood, the Flood brought us.
Well bring in the gravemind.
Oh crap
Well Trixie just fucked up bad.
Crap my favorite mlp character died.*shit*
All hell.
I forgot we did rainbow dirty T_T it doesn't help that the last of us part 2 did something similar and I saw it before reading the chapter
10308737
TFW you have too many feels going on
10309527
Tfw?
10309793
The feels when
Brother...... bring me the heavy flamer, we have a parasite to burn.....
More story plz more story plz
10312318
Forerunners: "Reclaimers, how did your ancestors defeat the Flood?"
Us: "Napalm and shotguns, duh."
Forerunners:
Funny thing to say for someone and her species who did far worse than the ancient humans. Barbaric and violent? See, that arrogance and hubris right there is the same sort of self-righteous delusion that made the Flood such a dramatic threat and forced humanity to keep the Flood a secret from the Forerunners to prevent the idiots from trying to "save" the Flood or trying to control it (which would have had predictable results).
I don't think you meant to, but Luna and Celestia's attitude in this opens up a new perspective of the Forerunners. Unnaturalness. Their behavior and reactions are unnatural. When any life form is attacked, it lashes out to defend itself. Intelligent life seeks to remove the threat's ability to harm it. When the Forerunners are attacked, It takes forever for them to respond in any meaningful way and even then they act more like it's a problem to be solved than a danger to their lives. Same with how they treated the Flood, despite taking it much more seriously than they otherwise would have after learning humanity struggled to defeat it. Which makes sense, considering the Precursors created the Forerunners to help them manage the life-seeding the Precursors undertook in the Milky Way. They are, essentially, unnatural lifeforms and so would understandably lack the perspective and reactions and instincts of "natural" life. In a way, the Forerunners' rebellion against the Precursors was a biological robot revolution.
Just like the Forerunners did to countless worlds. We couldn't let you hog all the credit of spreading the Flood, now could we?