When somepony (or ponies) is responsible for the creation of a corpse, the natural first question to arise is frequently "What do we do with the body?" As it turns out, the Bearers have a few ideas.
Maybe more than a few.
Possibly too many.
(Written for BronyWriter's rather impromptu and completely unintentional Ponies Dispose Of Bodies anthology and inspired by his story Best Friends. And so it goes.)
Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.
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Well, that ended on a happy note. Three cheers for the true meaning of friendship, and the very important concept of sharing.
...Anyway, holy crap, that was hilariously morbid. It was just a series of mounting facepalming moments for me. But none quite as painful as the one that Pinkie provoked.
Nice job. My only regret is the lack of details about the ex-pony's crimes and actions. What did she do exactly? Something decidedly horrific, I'm sure.
I enjoyed it. It was more humorous than dark like my story, but I liked it. Found myself grinning through most of it. Well done.
Now, that was a classic line to end on...
Honestly, I thought Pinkie's idea seemed like a good compromise. Twilight gets to practice, Rarity can design something to hide any potential issues (especially after Fluttershy's had her turn,) Dash gets a prank (albeit one where they can't do the reveal,) and...
Well, I guess they could bury her afterwards?
... There may be something deeply wrong with me. In any case, this was quite enjoyably bizarre. (Though I keep getting caught off-guard by the kick-throw linguistic bit. It does make sense—quadrupeds aren't exactly going to be tossing things by any means other than kicks or clumsy neckwork—but it still took me a moment to process "kick my voice.") Thank you for it, even if the stinger is more than a little off-putting.
7883822
Going by what little we got, the departed sounds suspiciously like an instance of Starlight Glimmer who adjusted her philosophy to better work with local magical laws regarding cutie marks and the inviolability thereof. Though that may be overactive pattern recognition on my part.
7883860 To be perfectly and one hundred percent honest, I was hoping it was her. There were certainly moments that seemed to imply it, but maybe it was just regular non-descript oc that did something horrific, like writing fanfics and kicking baby seals. Mostly the former.
And here I thought they had learned their lesson in The Ticket Master
Excellent Pinkie. I knew we could count on you...
...
...
...Goddamnit Pinkie.
7883879
It's not as if you can just send a letter to the castle and request five additional corpses.
And in the event that you can, do you really want to find out?
I'd love an epilogue with the two sisters talking about their own experiences of dealing with a recently deceased by their own hooves...
7883860
I'd bet good money it was.
--
This was pretty damn funny. Fluttershy's bit was great, but Pinkie's topped it for sheer audacity. Twilight's insistence on studying necromancy is something I could absolutely see if she had slightly less morals and more intensely focused obsessive tendencies than in canon.
And so, in a better universe, Starlight Glimmer was no more.
And the ponies learned about the delights of murder, which would come in handy when they decided to take over Earth. They'd show Sunset Shimmer who was boss! And then murder her. They really started to like that part. Heck, rather than feeding the bodies to Flutter's critters, maybe THEY could eat the bodies! They could always ask that one Pie Family barber for his meat pie recipe...
7883899
Not quite what I meant, but.... Point made.
This was twisted and funny.
And twilight suggest mass murder is hilarious.
Sequel: CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SERIAL KILLERS YAY!
Everypony sing! Oooooohhh...
What do you do with a lifeless pony,
What do you do with a lifeless pony,
What do you do with a lifeless pony,
Early in the morning?
Use it to dabble in darkest magic...
Wrap it in stylish clothing, darling...
Prank all your friends and the neighbors with it...
Feed it to the trees to grow zap apples...
Drag it through the woods to bring in vermin...
Make a meat puppet to fool the parents...
That was oddly enjoyable! I side with Twilight, if only because Necromancer Twilight would invariably lead to other stuff happening.
i really, really hope this whole "friendship corpse removal" stays a thing and gets some traction.
the title seems a bit odd to me.
any reason you didn't go with "and a corpse"
the moral of this story is to kill enough ponies to share with your friends. cupcakes for everyone!!!!
7883984 oh my god I know that song! I used to work at the renaissance faire in sterling new York :)
7884146
I was working from the old sailor's song, "What do you do with a drunken sailor?" but it's a common tune that's been used elsewhere.
Oh my god, Twilight.
Also, oh my god, Rarity.
Let's just save time, oh my god, everyone.
Technically speaking, Twilight and Pinkie's plans aren't that incompatible. Or even Rarity and Dash's, too. Just gotta get the necromancy right and there you go, free number two assistant for the entire group.
Twilight's cracked, nuts, gone loco, Elvis has left the building, taken leave of her senses. Yup, she crazy.
7884165 yeah, i'm just saying that's where I know the song from. they had a "bum" who sat on a balcony above a wine booth and sang that song all the time. or something like that, its been a few years.
I'm incredibly curious about who the corpse belonged to, if it was anyone in particular.
Heh heh. I get the strange impression that the author doesn't like Starlight Glimmer much. Must be my imagination.
Now, Twilight. You don't get corpses by murder: you send out your
hunchbackedDragon assistant to dig up fresh ones by night.An amusing romp, but while I have no trouble with the concept of Zap Apple trees hungering for decomposing Pony flesh or Rainbow Dash desiring a corpse for pranks, Rarity being cool with her dresses being in extended close contact with dead flesh? Really?
1. Why did I even imagine they would want to dispose of it in the first place…
2. I don’t think Starlight Glimmer ever said the word “destiny,” did she?…
Oh Lort
Weirdest visit to the mirror pool ever...
7884336 *Cackles.* Right???
How Uncle Delicious has made it this far, I have no idea. He must be a lion tamer, knowing pony names.
This story was perfect in every way. +1 for Tsavo reference.
Now, for the elephant in the room...
Who's the body?
This version of Twilight appears to be afflicted with objectophilia. I don't know if I should be amused or disturbed.
7884685 Starlight, probably.
She made ponies do things, and talked about destiny a lot.
7884223 Cinder Fall? She ranted, had perfect teeth, and wouldn't shut up about destiny.
7884925 Who?
7883984 You win my internetes.
7884172
7884227 If it is well preserved, why not?
7885078 RWBY villain. The joke makes sense if you watch the series.
7883899
Kinda. That'd be pretty interesting to know how far Celestia would go to help them with a friendship lesson
That was fun, although it's not surprising that I liked it since I am a big fan of dark comedy in general. My biggest complaint is really that it was too neat for my tastes, but that has more to do with my own preference for the splatstick side of dark comedy than anything else.
7883910
7884336 Not gonna lie, that sounds hilarious.
I guess it probably wasn't Starlight Glimmer. But I wish it was. Would be funnier.
They COULD ask Princess Celestia for some of those ponies who really did donate their cadavers to science.
See? Pinkie gets it! Plausible deniability and all that!
I too wondered if it was Starlight (I mean, I like the fact she's "redeemded" in that she's not at all redeemed and still clearly Evil, but I was also cheerfully calling for her head before season six).
But I would like to imagine it was Murdochs, since that possibly-pony is way more deserving of it...
Did they kill this verse's Starlight Glimmer?
It sounds like they went a teensy bit overboard if they had to lie to the police about just what happened, though.
That being said... I was amused by this. I did enjoy the bait-and-switch with Pinkie Pie there at the end.
7883984
Beautiful, man!
7884227
In a world with necromancy, I have to wonder how many ponies practice necromancy, and how many others are buried in concrete crypts...
7884230 Okay first off the only individual I can think of that says destiny a lot is twilight...but we know it's not her...had a smile still palster across her face...only shows up once or twice...Celestia?!!
7883841
7883899
Now I'm thinking about how I'd write a story about this.
Why are you making me think about these things?
I BLAME YOU.
EDIT: I have a 687 word outline now. I think I am going to take a nap and sleep on it. This is all your fault.
7885512 You know you want to.
Also this was absolutely beautiful from start to finish. Pitch black and perfectly on point. As a famous internet critic once said "It was like a snooker cue to the balls"
The important friendship lesson is to always know who can help you dispose of a body.