Greetings from Venezuela, I don't expect to do much here, I just got a few stories in my head and wanted write them here, I hope you like them. I take Commissions and can get Ko-Fi donations.
Human in Equestria16,992 stories ·16,837 members
The Writers' Group56,460 stories ·9,300 members
One-Shots18,923 stories ·2,369 members
Looking for Editors3,383 stories ·5,416 members
Cutie Mark Crusaders4,489 stories ·1,748 members
I Just Want a Comment15,722 stories ·3,674 members
Apple Bloom is Best Pony1,692 stories ·929 members
Applebloom one day woke up in the middle of a huge land of tall grass, an intense heat and no known pony in sight. She has been going on in this weird plains trying to find a way home and figuring out where she is in the first place.
This is one of her first adventures in the harsh plains of Venezuela, filled with llaneros, ghost and a soul that will change her forever.
One Shot idea, if this gets a good reception I may try to make it a story on the long future.
Page generated in 0.113 seconds
Total duration
689 users online
1,221,930 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You repeatedly use the word "on" instead of "in" in your description, which tells me your first language is probably either Spanish or Portugese. Ask a native English speaker to help you edit this, please.
Surely not bad given it's an experimental attempt. It was interesting to see a glimpse of Venezuelan folklore, sprinkled with references to Equestria. You're quite inventive with descriptions, too! There are some issues with direct speech and preposition, but nothing that can't be fixed by practicing and reading. I'll give you some examples in a PM.
It's really cool, and I would love to read the full story! Lots of enigmas and a mystic atmosphere. You should definitely get an editor, of course.
Not bad at all, you're pretty good with the descriptions. I say you should do it and get an editor too.
8067613 One time a proofreader told me that, I have a problem with the "on" and "in" I don't get it. Also my first language is Spanish.
8068908 Yeah, my best friend is from Mexico City, English is his second language. He'd fool a lot of people into thinking it was his first on a bad day. After over 20 years of fluency, he STILL has the "on/in" problem, and also treats "news" as a plural noun. Don't sweat it, just try your best.
(That advice also applies to the author.)
8067613
Fixed. Thank you for pointing it out.
8069181 You're welcome.
I liked the in media res opening and thought it was quite an effective introduction to the plot. I'd also be interested in reading the full story if you decide to continue.
This review was brought to you by the group, "A for Effort".
Name of Story: Applebloom in the Plains
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Pros:
1) The atmosphere is unique and descriptive.
2) Applebloom's soliloquy was an interesting take on self-conflict.
3) Despite the story being in present-tense, it doesn't change tenses at any point.
Cons:
1) The sentence structure feels off at times.
2) Present-tense, in my opinion, is a little awkward to read.
3) The "ghosts" that Applebloom saw and heard have very little explanation behind them, though I assume that's meant to build an eerie vibe.
Additional Notes: Not too bad, still a little iffy, but the visualization is nice and I enjoyed it when Applebloom said her thoughts aloud. A good attempt at your first one-shot.
>Venezuela
Odio a Maricolás Gorduro
8279481
Yo también, yo también.
Hello sire. You submitted your fic to the Reviewer’s Cafe, and I have given my thoughts on it. Unfortunately, I did not like it. If you would like to see what ai had to say, click this awesome mug of joe
☕
8323107
It's ok. This One Shot was just a piece of the whole idea, I first wanted to see the reception on this before making the whole thing and the reception was kinda positive so far considering this is my second attempt at magic realism.
Yes, I'm planning to make this story a long one but I don't have time for it right now, so I wrote this as a permanent reminder to write it one day. The main change that will be done is the time period the story is set, but nothing you'll notice until I start to write the real deal.
Thank you for your review, very appreciated and I do have a completed story that I want to put in the Reviewer's Cafe, but I'm waiting to make some adjustments first before submitting it first. I hope you don't mind.
Yes, I'm from Venezuela, English isn't my first language and it was a pain to write this because there are some words that just doesn't have any type of translation (i.e.: Cantaclaro, Florentino, etc) but I try my best.
Thank you for taking your time with this story and have a nice day.
8323605
I’m glad that you liked the review, and I don’t mind at all if you submit another story when our submissions are open. As for you being Venezuelan, I understand that the translation may have chopped the absolute hell out of some of your sentences.
Full marks though. Keep on writing, and I’ll keep an eye out for what you have next