Jared always did enjoy the night sky, and this night was even more enjoyable. The moon was bright and the stars were shining, all was well until something bizarre happens...he turned into a pony! And a girl pony at that! It was strange enough as it was, but then he's shortly after pulled into a different world where these ponies like him are dominant. But after meeting with the one that brought him here, he learns that he has a special power that only few have, these ponies use their powers to help others that cannot help themselves and defend the land Jared finds out to be called Equestria. He makes new friends and some enemies but he thinks every now and then that....this all started when he looked up at the night sky.
Came up with this last night (my time in Australia) as I looked up at the very bright moon.
Ok, to start. It's a good story, yet the theme is a little bit cliche. But nice little twist.
A read over of the chapter could probably be done, as some parts, to me, felt that they weren't need, such as:
I don't think the last line is needed, or at least it needs to be rewritten. If just feels a bit weird and blunt for me.
Also, sorry to get sciency, but at the start you said,
Should this be reflected? As the light from the moon comes from the sun?
I dunno. It just suddenly reminded me how the moon works. You probably don't have to change that one though. It's just me being me.
7859458 Yeah i understand all that. I'm not sure it's entirely cliché but I just came up with the idea and just needed to make this. Also yeah I really just had those lines in to make the chapter, but i can fix it now.
I just don't know why I have two dislikes? Is it because it's a cliche story? or is it the gender bender (because i know alot of people don't like that stuff)
Anyway thank you for such a good response I can use to help with my stories.
7859467 I haven't disliked, but it might be the genderbent part that's got you a bit of hate. And for it being cliché, it's the theme of a human-turned-pony with super powers. It actually may not be cliché for though, but I see the theme in a lot of other fics.
7859473 True, but because the story is cliché is hardly something to dislike about, unless you have seen that similar story a dozen times. The gender bender I understand, I do enjoy that genre and this was my first story that touched on it so I just wanted put it in to 'spice' it up just a notch. I could of easily left it at no gender switching, but that would of made the story boring for me to write.
So the power went to the one that the pony had their last thoughts of.
How did the pony before him think of a male bipedal being from a different world?
I'll like and follow this, but you've got it so rushed that it's hard to enjoy it properly.
7859706 Must have been related to Lyra.
This feels rushed to me. The transformation especially.
This story has potential. I'd like to see where this goes. If you need a proofreader, PM me.
it feels rushed and I cringed upon reading this. some of the grammar was a bit off for me as well. so you don't get a like. you also do not get a dislike.
7860329 Fair enough, I don't entirely see it being rushed but I get the cringe part. Like i say in the description, I thought of this story when I looked at the moon and I just got this idea
7859857 I know, but I didn't want to go into too much detail of the transformation but...I'll see what I can do.
7859706 I know I get it rushed a bit but sometimes i can't really flesh it out without losing the point of the chapter. As for the pony thinking of a human...well you'll see later on in the story, let's just say the protagonist knew that pony but doesn't recognize the name they have.
7860491 This story has potential, but you definitely do need a proofreader/editor. Some guy here volunteered, I'd take him up on that offer.
7860525 I have actually, just waiting for a response
Before I read it, what is the Dark tag for ?
7860831 Oh don't worry about that too much, there is going to be some mild dark stuff later on, nothing too bad.
...Honestly, that was WAY too soon to be happening.
Should have saved it for the second or third time he went off.
7864614 True, but the mood was perfect to do it. Now Eclipse and Flame are going to be awkward around each other.
7865366 Not really. For meeting him the first time, her reaction should have been to let someone who knows him better comfort him.
Like I said, that would have been better for the second or third time he went off.
7866375 True but i wanted to get Eclipse in on the action of straight away, considering she is apart of the reason he went into an outburst. Look I'll just do things my way okay? If I feel like I need to change things I will, if I don't I won't. it's as simple as that
Interesting....I like it.The story has potential.
7877602 Look I get what your saying. But this was just an Idea that got into fruition. I can't be bothered to make a whole back story for the character, because it would take too long to do and I don't have a great deal of time. I'm just a basic amatuer writer, not a professional so of course I'm going to get it 'rushed' (god I'm getting tired of hearing that). I do have an editor so I'm working on fixing the errors. And so what if he is submissive to the gender change, while he didn't protest to going to equestria, he did say to Celestia that he didn't really want to do it.
Sorry if I seem angered in this (technically I am) I'm just not in the mood for this now. I'm just tired.
good job
Nice. I definitely see potential in this story. Noticed a wrong word typo, though.
Should be "accept".
cant wait for more
Guess you can only save the world and repel invasions so often before it grows boring
Argh i know right, *sigh*
names are so complicated 
That is a perfectly reasonable and totally not embarrassing
Well i am curious anyway, so let's see where this goes
You mean the friends and family left in her previous world... i mean you guys did technically kidnapp her and tell her she is supposed to fight for ponies she does not know and a nation she does not belong to... or was it the Night Shatterer power that did that ?
This is not about succeeding or failing, this is about you telling her to fight and possibly die for something she has no real connection with
That makes sense, still think it sounds a bit villain-y
Still curious to see where this will go so i will be tracking this story
8449859
I really appreciate the comments. I haven't been writing anything on here at all because the occasional jerk decides to comment everything wrong about one of my lesser stories and doesn't even bother to give proper or any advice at all to improve. However, I will agree with them that I completely messed up this story in regards to the structure. I'm going to try and adjust the chapters I have done currently for this story and potentially write a new one (because I really enjoyed the idea I had for it). It may still seem lacking, but I hope that it will become a bit more tolerable.
8450161
It's alright, i might find things a little strange here and there, but overall i am curious what will happen