The truth is....
"Oh I'm so nervous Angel, how should I say? Should I do it subtlety or do it straight out?" the butter yellow pegasus named Fluttershy asked her pet bunny rabbit as she paced around. The bunny in question could only shake his head at her worrying, Fluttershy eventually calmed down a fraction enough to speak normally. "Ok calm...I... guess I could try and build up to it." Angel nodded his head to confirm what she should do.
"Right, it's the afternoon and I just want to have some tea with Twilight and also have a chat...then confess my affection to her...hopefully" Fluttershy went over what was going to happen.
You see it all began when they first met, she like she does with most ponies was very shy, but this shyness wasn't normal it was romantic shyness in which the afflicted becomes a blubbering mess around the one they truly love. That was how Fluttershy was, granted most of that was inside her and not expressed to Twilight herself. Fluttershy thought it was a crush at the most, but as time went on, her friendship grew with Twilight and inside her heart, she knew that Twilight was the one for her. When this became official, she tried many times to confess but came up short at the last second every time, whether it was her own fault or someone (not mentioning a certain rainbow haired pegasus) butting in. But no more! This time she would definitely tell the truth about how she felt.
Now here she was waiting for the love of her life to arrive at her cottage. She said that she would be here soon, and soon was now. Fluttershy could see Twilight slowly walk up the path to her door and from Fluttershy's perspective she looked amazing. Her hair which originally had her lower mane draped over one shoulder was now draped over both, she decided to change it up several weeks ago and she has had nothing but complements about it. The only problem was that she got Fluttershy's opinion about it first before anyway else saw it, this turned out to be a good day for Fluttershy... but also an embarrassing one as she fainted the moment she first turned her eyes on it. She felt that way know.
Shaking the thoughts she decided to just stick with what was happening now rather then the past, and the present was looking beautiful. Fluttershy tidied up her mane and then went to pretend to read on her sofa until Twilight knocked on the door.
#####
As Fluttershy heard the sound of knocking on her front door she immediately rushed over to open it and greet her guest. "Hey there Fluttershy, I'm really glad you wanted to have this with me. Spike has been begging I get a break from the castle and come and see you guys, mostly you considering we don't get to have a lot of time to ourselves do we?" Twilight spoke first.
Fluttershy was daydreaming a little to barely pay attention to Twilight's words. Twilight noticed this and asked if she was okay "Uhh Fluttershy you okay?"
Fluttershy awoke from her dream and tried to piece words together to show a response "I um...yes, yes we don't get a lot of time to ourselves any more. Fluttershy sighed "Sorry Twilight I was just thinking of something and I kind of spaced out. Fluttershy showed a very noticeable blush that was pinker than her mane.
Twilight simply laughed "Don't worry about it, all that matters is that we get to chat"
"R-right, just go and make yourself comfortable on the couch and I'll bring the tea over soon sweety..uh I mean Twilight. I put the kettle on not very long ago and it should be ready now." Fluttershy asked while messing up her words a bit.
"Okay then, I'll be over here" Twilight replied as she went and sat on the sofa waiting peacefully for Fluttershy to return.
Speaking of Fluttershy, she was panicking, she openly said 'Sweety' to Twilight as if she was already in a relationship with her. She didn't know if she could do it now, what if Twilight though she was weird that she liked her that way or what if...Fluttershy once again calmed down she turned to see Twilight peacefully humming a simple tune and this lead to Fluttershy going back to a mellow state. "Ok, stop thinking negatively, Twilight is your friend she won't harm you like that, just breathe and take the process slow" Fluttershy said to herself.
Fluttershy went about making the tea and serving them on a large plate. She walked back into the room and rested the plate on the small middle table and took her place on the sofa...next to Twilight. Fluttershy thought she looked even more beautiful up close and she tried effortlessly to cover her blush once more.
Once she maintained the heat in her face she began to have a wonderful time just talking about normal things such as how your day was and all the simply platonic talk with Twilight while sipping tea. But for Fluttershy, she wanted it to be more than platonic.
#####
After maybe 2 hours, judging by the sun's position, Twilight was beginning to leave and Fluttershy was running almost out of time to confess. It had to be done now.
She wrestled up as much courage as she could muster and began to do something she thought she'd never do, confess her love to the pony in front of her. Twilight Sparkle.
Fluttershy began "Twilight...I need to be real with you now...there was a...bigger reason for why I asked if we could meet up for some Tea."
Twilight's face took on that of worry "Oh dear Fluttershy, are you okay? You weren't hurt in any way is that what you are saying?" Twilight asked nearly on the verge of tears.
"Oh no, no, no...nothing like that...it's a bit more...personal" Fluttershy responded.
Fluttershy swallowed. "I...have a crush on someone...well a bit more than a crush...more completely in love with them" she said blushing heavily.
"And you want my help? Fluttershy I'm pretty sure Rarity is much better at that then me." Twilight replied.
Fluttershy pondered the thought, darn she should of talked with Rarity about this first...but wait no it was too late now.
"No wait...I mean it's not someone...it's...it's...it's" Fluttershy was blushing more and more and her voice was becoming quieter.
Twilight not quite hearing it asked "Who?"
Fluttershy couldn't take it any more she just burst it out "YOU I LOVE YOU TWILIGHT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.
Fluttershy realising her volume shrank down and began to cry. Twilight was stunned to say the least by what just transpired but not by her words, she put a hoof around the sobbing pegasus and hugged her tightly.
Fluttershy spoke up through fits of crying "I'm...so...sorry...Twilight...if you..want to...leave...then you can...I won't stop you!" Twilight only tightened her grip on Fluttershy and even put her other hoof around her.
Eventually after Fluttershy had settled down, Twilight spoke "Why would I want to leave? Fluttershy look at me, you don't need to feel bad about confessing your feelings to me or anypony. If you love them and want to confess, then do it, otherwise they will find somepony else."
Fluttershy looked up and gave a small smile. Twilight sighed "I need to confess something too, I knew you loved me."
Fluttershy managed to speak again "Y-you did?"
She nodded "Yes, at first I only saw you as a friend...but as time went on I saw you in a new light and I couldn't shake the thought of doing this"
Fluttershy looked confused "Doing what exactly?"
Twilight smiled and went in and kissed Fluttershy directly on the lips. Fluttershy was shocked at first but eventually melted into the kiss that was being shined over the wonderful sunset.
Eventually they broke the kiss and they both had a misty eyed look. Twilight began to speak once more "We can try... us, we can go on a few dates and if we truly love each other we can be an official couple. What do you say Fluttershy?"
Fluttershy didn't know what to say at first, 'this was really happening' she thought but soon enough she gave her answer. "Yes, that would be lovely"
After that the two laid on the sofa cuddling each other and giving small pecks on the cheek every now and then, Fluttershy had done it. She had confessed to her love and she felt the same way, Fluttershy couldn't be more happy now, she looked over at Angel bunny who was giving her the thumbs up briefly before hopping away to do what ever he does.
Fluttershy suddenly realized the time "Oh my, Twilight it's really late you need to get back, Spike might be worried!" she panicked.
Twilight simply smiled at her new marefriend "He will be fine, the little dragon can cook pretty well, so I don't think you need to worry about him. Unless you want me to leave now? Is that it, you want me to leave? Twilight joked.
Fluttershy smiled back and while snuggling back into Twilight she replied "Not at all...Sweety"
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Very nice.
7827346 Thanks
Little jewel over here, nice story, refreshing. Good job
7829170 Thanks. Glad you liked it
Hello! TwiShy ship-captain DarqFox here. Welcome aboard. Let's get to business, shall we? I'm going to go as in-depth as I can for this.
This paragraph. The first thing that butted me out of the story (I'm writing this as I read the story) was that unexpected "you." You aren't writing a second-person story, so second-person pronouns (you) should only exist in dialogue. I, the reader, don't need to be addressed directly. The second thing about this paragraph that slapped me in the face was the sentence structure itself.
This chunk here could be its own sentence, but it doesn't flow nicely. It's too rushed, and it needs some commas to slow it down and keep it under control, and make sure that everything makes sense. It would make more sense if it looked like:
I put the commas where I did because that bit "like she was with most ponies" is a sort of side note, and if removed from the sentence, it would still make sense: "When they first met, she was very shy."
A comma after "normal" would help ensure that the sentence doesn't rush. If you'd take a breath or pause there when reading this out loud, put a comma there.
This bit would be better off as two sentences (in my opinion, anyway):
This sentence is well structured, with commas in the right places and everything. Take a good look at it and give yourself a pat on the back for me:
This could be better broken up with a colon, and the bit in parentheses should be moved out of parentheses. Parentheses are highly uncommon in most works of fiction and seeing them is definitely a bit jarring. It would look something like this:
Rule One for using numbers in fiction: spell them out.
So, mechanically speaking, this story is very, very rough. As an editor I'd have to spend at least 45-60 minutes on this story to make it presentable according to my own standards. However, the plot of the story is good and follows a logical, believable path. The characters seemed to remain true to character.
Overall, not bad, but needs quite a bit of polishing to be a real gem. But by golly you wrote it and had the confidence to shove it onto the internet. Keep your head held high, and for the love of ponies keep writing and refining your craft. Thank you for putting this story up, and I hope to see more from you in the future.
(Also feel free to ask me about things I may or may not have mentioned in this comment and I'll be happy to expand upon it.)
<3 DarqFox
7931796 Look thank you for the critique but I frankly don't care about some of the things you listed (I didn't read it all)
Some of those edits you suggested are barely something I intend to fix. And I also find it a little irritating for someone to not like a story just because of some ways the story is written. For me I would only dislike a story if it either: had a bad plot I find really strange or the grammer was atrocious.
I stated on the front page that it was my first (remember that little word) time ever writing a story that was completely romance. I have written general stories as well before it and I can agree are not 100 percent in how they are written (grammer and punctuation wise)
Also why must you say I have the guts to post this story such a state? I can post it in any way I like as long as it follows to the terms and conditions.
But you must understand that I'm amateur when it comes to writing. I wasn't top of my class in English (I was your normal c or b student) so don't expect me to be able to write on a professional author's level like you okay? Because I can't. Many people on this site can't either and I don't expect them to. I'm afraid that many of us are not like you over 100 followers or 1000 followers. Not all of us are natural born friggin authors you know.
Sorry but I had to vent that. I found your message at the worst time (not in the best mood and your headache inducing comment was no remedy) so I had to take it out on you.
Thanks for the story. I'm new to fimfic and though this story is a little older I thought it was nice and genuine. I don't critique one-shot stories much I less there is a broader point beyond the story I need to make. I am not a writer but have been reading novels for over 50 years, mostly hard sci-fi. I have been into manga and anime for almost 2 decades and fan fiction for about 2-3 years. I am not a spelling and grammar nazi, there are always more than needed lurking these sites. And just so you know, a comment was made that all numbers should be spelled out which is B.S. Great novelists like Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke wrote numbers in numerical form when they felt it necessary.
Anyway, congrats on a nice romance story that doesn't find it necessary to add bdsm (which is sex abuse, not a fetish or smut) or peeing in the face (which is fine at times) in order to attract thumbs up or nice comments. I wish there were more of the kind of love story you wrote here on these sites, but like a car wreck, there's nothing that makes your head turn like gore and grossness. Not that I don't like certain fetish stories (as long as it's not abuse) as well, I just find rarely a good old style romance where dialogue and thought rank higher than same ol' same ol' beat them them 'til they bleed supposed love stories.