I'm done. I just don't have fun writing stuff anymore. You're free to take any of this material as your own. Have fun!
After an incident occurred on a dangerous part of a town, I was transported to a new place and into a new body. The new location is some sort of hive with small bug-like horses and a queen that commands them all. I must've become one of them, and I'm worried that they might be catching on that I'm not what I seem to be.
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Good start, I'm exited to see where this goes! I wish the chapters were longer, but I'm sure that'll be fixed once the protag stops blacking out.
7945439 I'm glad that you found it interesting! And the chapters will definitely be longer than this going forward.
This fic already has my attention.
He's off to a great start.
Interesting start. And I agree with the protagonist, changelings are adorable. The real changelings, not the technicolor baby barf abominations.
7945833 I'm glad! Hopefully I can keep it
7947520 Yeah, I loved the original changeling designs. I don't know why they would just tarnish the creativity of them. i'm just glad that Chrysalis didn't turn!
7948194 Yeah, they really stood out in a world of technicolor ponies.
I think this post illustrates it perfectly: http://askflufflepuff.tumblr.com/post/156639185080
7948186 I have it on my tracking. There's no way to lose my attention now. Any good story has a well done premise.
Love that writing!
Hmm . . . there's potential here, I'll be tracking this.
Definitely worth tracking.
You don't repeat words, and use the multitude available to really flush your writing.
Straight and to the point, clear and concise; an introvert after my own heart.
8062948 Thank you for the complement
I always try to have differing word choice in my stories
If the OCs of this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
8135934 That's a good question
What do you imagine them to sound like. In my mind, the male sounds like a normal changeling from the show while the female is a bit harder to explain. I imagine her to be more like a mix of a nicer Chrysalis and a changeling
Things are going well!
Hmm... Elytra and Mandible?
A pretty good story so far, but there are definitely some points where you can improve.
I can see you're making good use of words and meanings, and clever uses of them could really accentuate your story if used correctly. One thing you have to be aware of, however, is that you don't over elaborate your sentences or paragraphs to the point where they become a chore to read, and leaves the reader wanting to skim. Such a thing can destroy a story and make it more akin to an info drop than an entertaining read.
What some writer do is they put inner thoughts of characters, such as the two ending sentences, in italics, so that the reader knows these are separate from the previous passages.
One other thing that could really help hook people on to your story is the greater use of showing than telling.
I don't know the best way to explain it to you... but that's why there's the internet!
https://www.scribendi.com/advice/how_to_avoid_telling_writing_in_fiction.en.html
For your two OCs, you can stick to the standard and try some names that have something to do with espionage, insects, shapeshifting, or maybe even something that defines their character, if they're going be around for a while.
Maybe, for the male, something like Shift, and the female, maybe something like Amby (short for Ambition).
8151854 Thank you for the feedback! I definitely understand what you're saying when you talk about overelaborating sentences. I sometimes make certain parts way too complex because I don't like using the same word several times in a chapter. But, it makes sense if it just gets annoying to read, so I'll look out for that in the future. Also, do you think it's too late to express the inner monologue with italics? I'm not sure how it would look if all the other chapters didn't use it, and then started using it in the fourth chapter. I'd be fine doing it, but I'm just worried some people might be annoyed by the inconsistency of the writing "style." But in any case, thank you for the feedback and I'll be sure to keep your improvements close to hear!
8137255 Those are some very interesting names. I could see the protagonist possibly naming the two as Elytra and Mandible. They both sound like a good female and male changeling name.
8154751 I'm glad you took my criticism so well, and saw it as help for you to improve. You can go beyond any average standard with an attitude like that.
Okay,
the italics is not a big issue if want to start implementing them now or in later chapters. It will make those inner thoughts, happening in the present tense of the story, much clearer though. I know I at least had to stop reading for a sec and double back when the sentence suddenly ended in an exclamation and question mark when the previous sentence was talking in the past tense. That sudden change from past to present tense should be distinguished.
Now, about your style of sentences; I honestly think they are all, mostly, pretty good. There just isn't enough dialogue...
OKAY HOLD ON I FIGURED IT OUT
Read through this chapter again, and just notice how many time you use the word "I".
For every paragraph, you use "I" at the start of nearly every sentence. (Not to say using the word is bad, but using it too often in the scheme of things is) Your use of the word is way to frequent, when you could be using other means of conveying what you want your audience to know.
That's what people mean when they say, "You're "telling too much." You're having your character explain to us everything that is happening when you just don't need to do that. (Or more like, you really shouldn't do that)
I would suggest messaging one of the many cool and awesome people on here, whose story really attracted you to wanting to write fiction, and asking them for advice for something like this, and maybe ask them to read through your story and how you can fix any issues you may be having.
Here. I've been stuck on reading this story to the end, and I think you can learn to improve from reading not only the light banter, but what happens during paragraphs without any dialogue. It's called "My Life as a Bipedal Quadruped."
Like some people already said, this story has promise, and I know it can go far.
8155227 Sweet, I'll be sure to take a look at that story and see if I can't gain some insight. Once again, thank you for the feedback and I'll also look to express the first person perspective in a more interesting way, hopefully by using more variety in word choice in the first person. Thank you.
another great chapter! i can't wait for the next one! take all the time u need, though ?
Looks good...Oh. It's dead.
9109389
Like all the other good ones...
Ok that’s a way better death than the depression one
I-come on!
I hope he will never tell any species that he’s a human because that’s a huge risk, I hope he will find away to live a normal pony life.