A True Changeling
I awoke once more from my fear-induced sleep. Except this time, instead of a blackened space, my eyes were met by a blinding light that made me quickly re-close them. The sudden change in brightness made me quickly realize that I wasn’t in that dark space anymore.
I used my hand to block the ray of light abusing my eyes. And as I did so, I could feel a noticeable stiffness in my arm, as well as the rest of my body. Once my hand began to block the light, I slowly opened my eyes in an attempt to steadily adjust to the brightness of wherever I now was.
I squinted numerous times behind the safety of my hand before the light finally dimmed to a comfortable level. And when it did, I was able to observe my new surrounding area. But, before I even began to look at the black, rigid walls around me, or the blinding light from the unfamiliar sun, I noticed something right in front of me that clenched my attention like an alligator whose jaws were enclosed around a disabled bird, refusing to let it go.
Right in front of my eyes, blocking the outside light, was not the familiar sight of my hand, but a porous black limb that allowed beams of light to breach through the numerous holes. The immediate image of those bug-horse creatures from before flashed in my mind.
I froze for a moment, just looking over the black appendage in front of me. It looked identical to the ones that those bug-like creatures had.
My eyes trailed to where the limb was attached and I quickly noticed that it was connected to a black shoulder, my shoulder! I looked back at the black appendage that now took the place of my hand. Experimentally, I tried to move my arm up and watched as the black limb moved up, exactly the way I imagined that my hand would’ve moved. I couldn’t believe it! I refused to believe it!
I kept attempting to move my arm in every direction, flailing like a child, trying to prove to myself that what I saw was not actually happening. I did not have an arm, or limb, or whatever it was, like one of those bug things! I was in complete denial, and I only got more upset every time I tried moving my arm in obscene ways, only for the black limb to move exactly that way.
My childish fit only ended once I had exhausted myself from flailing my new limb all around. I just heaved in heavy breaths as I sat there with a pungent feeling of defeat and confusion. What happened to my arm?!
Rather than receiving an answer to this important question, a new, even more important thought popped into my mind; if my arm changed… what did that mean for the rest of me?!
After this rumination, I paused for a couple of moments, fearing that if I were to look at the rest of myself, I would find that the same transformation occurred to all of me. I was afraid that I wouldn’t recognize who, or what, I was looking at. I tried to deny the possibility that my entire body could be something completely unfamiliar to me, yet I had already seen that may arm had been transformed somehow, so I knew it was possible that my entire anatomy had changed too. But even still, I tried so hard to ignore the feasibility of it. I didn’t want it to be true!
As I thought more and more about the possibility of no longer being, well… me, I began to notice an evident stiffness in certain parts of my body, such as my arms, legs and back that limited my range of motion.
I just sat there, fearing to look at the rest of me because of what I might see. But eventually, I gave into my curiousity. I needed to know if I had really changed completely.
So, with great uncertainty, I slowly tilted my head downward towards the rest of my body. And what I saw was an image that instilled itself into my mind for the rest of my entirety.
Covering my body was the dark color that I feared so much. I was blinded, solely by the ravenous darkness of my skin that overwhelmed my eyes, and covered my body. It was the same color as those bug-like creatures I’d seen. And along with the coat of black, my legs were distorted backwards like a quadruped. Every aspect of myself was a perfect replica of the creatures.
I-I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move because of shock, because of fear and because I was no longer me. I just sat there, frozen in fear and disbelief. How could this have happened?! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!
I continued to sit in antipathy of my new form, except now I could feel my body begin to tremble. I was scared and clueless, and I could’ve sworn that I felt a tear run down my face, but I was too absorbed in my situation to even realize.
I continued to sit in agonizing and motionless silence for what felt like hours, though it was probably only a couple of minutes. I felt like my entire world had crashed down around me and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Eventually, thoughts of my friends and family flooded through my head. What would they think when they saw me? Would they see me as some kind of monster?! Would they see me as a threat and try to kill me?!
The more I thought about my friends and family and how they would react to my new body, the more downcast I felt. I was getting extremely worried at how my Mom would react when I got home. But then, I realized something, something that stopped every other train of thought; I didn’t even know where home actually was! I actually didn’t even know where I was right then!
Then, for the first time since waking up, I looked around the “room”. Around me were uneven black walls with similar colored stalactites hanging from the ceiling with occasional holes in the walls. Additionally, there was a strange opening in the ceiling that allowed light to shine through. Sadly, the opening only gave me a view of the blue sky, so I wasn’t able to adequately see any landscape. Then lastly, I noticed a passage that lead out of my current space and to somewhere else, although I wasn’t sure where.
I continued to gander around the room before I realized that I was alone and not with any of those bug-creatures. I kind of hoped that it would stay that way.
Finally, having exhausted any interest in this room, I sought to exit through the dark passage and hopefully find a way out of this place.
So, with great struggle, I pushed myself up with my front arms and attempted to stand up on my two legs, only to immediately fall off balance and land hard on my side with a thud and an “Oof.”
Once I hit the ground, I immediately turned to look at my body, only to be reminded that I now had the anatomy of a quadruped. Of course, I couldn’t just stand up like I used to. So, I’d have to figure out how to maneuver around this place on all fours.
So, hesitantly, I lifted my upper body with my front legs and once I had my chest in the air, I proceeded to use my back legs to lift up my pelvis and lower body. It took me a second to get balanced so that I wouldn’t fall over. But once I was content that I was upright like one of those creatures and not in danger of collapsing again, I did like Neil Armstrong and took my first big step. Maybe not big in the term of size, but it was monumental in significance.
Anyways, I cautiously took a small step forward. It was uncoordinated and unbalanced, and I probably looked like a child, but I was just happy that I was able to take a step without falling onto my side. So, after I relished in my first big step, I built up the courage to try another, and another, and another, before I began to walk around somewhat. I didn’t look natural in any sense of the word, but I still felt pleased that I was able to accomplish the feat.
After I had enough confidence in my ability to move around, I sought to leave the space I was now in through the single passageway. It might possibly lead to a way out of this place, so I could see where I was and figure out how to get home.
I began to slowly move down the dark and uneven hallway, using the walls to keep myself balanced. I made sure to move as quietly as possible so that I could hear anything, and that nothing could hear me.
I walked for a couple of minutes before I came along an intersection of paths. One lead to my left, and one to my right. The path on my left had a green hue that came from farther down the path, while the one on my left was just more darkness. I decided that it might be safer to move down the more well-lit path to my left, so I did just that and went that route.
I once again, walked for a couple of minutes before I began to hear chittering sounds coming from the end of the path. It was an odd sound that reminded of flies when they got too close to someone’s ears. Fueled by curiosity, I carefully and silently moved to where the passageway ended and seemed to lead into a large, cavernous space. The chittering noise began to crescendo the closer I got to the new space and I began to question whether I should just turn back. But, my curiosity got the best of me, and it essentially forced me to take a gander into the next area.
I kept myself hidden behind the walls of the passageway as I approached the large space. Once, I knew that I was in position to see into the room, I peeked my head from behind the safety of the wall’s cover. And the sight before me scared me half to death. Amongst the room were hundreds, maybe even thousands of those bug-looking creatures. They were flying around the place like bees would in a hive. It was both fascinating and terrifying.
I immediately retracted my head from sight, and thankfully, none of them had spotted me. I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to escape that way, so I decided to make my trek backwards.
It took me awhile to get back, but once I returned to the intersection with the three paths, I took the dark path on the right that I hoped would lead out of here and not to any of those creatures. So, I did the monotonous task of walking down the passageway hopefully towards my freedom.
For some reason, this path seemed much longer than the other. I’d been walking for a long while, but I wasn't quite sure how long. Then, all of a sudden, I heard a familiar noise from behind me. It was the sound of bugs, BUGS!? I quickly realized that it was the sound of those bug-creatures, and it was evident by how loud the noise was, that they were getting really close. I immediately picked up my pace moving down the pathway.
I knew I couldn’t outrun them, but I hoped that I could at least find somewhere to hide. Then, luckily I found it, a small opening in the lower wall on my right that I could fit through. I quickly dropped to the floor and attempted to crawl through the space. It was really tight, but I managed to squeeze through and get to a little room on the other side.
I had made it just in time, because I heard the creatures fly by and continue down that corridor. I hoped that they hadn’t been patrolling this place, because if this place had some sort of patrol force, my escape would be downright impossible.
I breathed in a heavy sigh of relief that I was able to evade the creatures. I stayed put and waited a couple moments in the small space to make sure that I didn’t hear any more creatures come by.
Once the coast was clear, I crawled out of the small space and back into the passageway. I continued on my trek that hopefully led to freedom before I happened upon a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, both metaphorically and literally. I could see a light from the outside! I got so excited and began to move even faster towards it.
And once I got close enough, I saw that it really was a way out! It looked like a small drop-off that led to sweet freedom below. I was in euphoric bliss, I was going to escape!
I got a view of the outside and saw that I was surrounded in… sand? It looked like the outside was nothing but vast desert, but I was too happy to be upset at the sight because I was free. All I had to do was jump a few feet down. I was about to leap off before I heard a familiar noise from behind me, coming from the end of the passageway. It was chittering! They were coming!
I quickly leaped ungracefully onto the sand below. A load of sand kicked up around me as I struggled to get on all fours. Then, I took off as fast as I could, which wasn’t too fast because I was still uncoordinated and in sand, but my spirit was there. Anyways, I struggled through the sand, before I took a peek back and saw that two bug creatures were now looking at me through the opening I had leaped through. I was also able to get a view of the structure I was trapped in. It looked like a large, black and uneven castle that evolved into a spire at the top. I would’ve gazed at it more, but I was more occupied with getting away at the moment.
I looked back to the creatures just in time to see them spread out their transparent blue wings and fly towards me. I knew that I had to pick up the speed or they would catch me for sure. So, I turned my head back and put myself into overdrive, sprinting as hard as I could through the sand. Then, I looked back once more to see that... they were gone? I immediately stopped and looked everywhere for them, but they were nowhere to be found. There was only lone desert and a couple of lone rocks.
I had no idea where they were but I hoped that somehow they lost me. I just decided to take it as a gift from the heavens as I turned around and kept moving through the sand. There were a couple large rocks in my way that I was going to walk around, but before I could, they transformed?! They transformed into blue fires that rested and left the two bug creatures from before.
They must’ve seen the flummoxed look I had, because they both let out a chuckle to each other before their faces went stern. They both began to approach me, as I backed up. Then, they spoke.
“What are you doing?!” the one approaching from my left said with a chittering sound evident in a masculine voice.
I was still trying to process that these creatures could talk, but thankfully I didn’t pass out this time. I just took a couple step backwards away from them.
“I said, what are you doing?!” the one repeated.
“I-I, I...”
“You what?!” the other one, coming from my right, said, obviously annoyed by my stuttering. This one seemed to have a more feminine voice, but not anymore gentle.
“I just came out to get some fresh air,” I said timidly.
The more feminine one rolled its eyes, “Really?!” it began in a humoured tone, “That’s really the best excuse you could come up with?”
“Well, no, but… Oh my God look out, a sarlacc!” I said, pointing a ‘hoof’ behind them.
They both immediately screamed and turned around. Oddly enough, they both had very feminine screams.
Anyways, I took my opportunity and immediately ran away from them. I sprinted a couple strides in the thick sand, stumbling the whole time. Unfortunately, they landed right in front of me within a couple of seconds, blocking my path.
“Well that was easy,” the male one said with a short grin.
“Well, this drone found it pretty easy to make you squeal like a little filly,” the female one said with a chuckle and an elbow to the other’s chest.
In response, the male opened his mouth, planning to say something, but quickly shut it and grunted instead.
“Anyways, back to business,” the female said, staring intensely into my eyes. “What’s the real reason you’re out here? ”
There was really no reason to lie to these two any longer. It was obvious that I wouldn’t be able to lose them with how unfamiliar I was with this body. I might as well tell them the truth.
“Well, I-I’m just trying to get back home.”
They definitely weren’t expecting that answer. They looked absolutely befuddled.
“What do you mean?” the male asked. “The Hive is right there,” he said, pointing a hoof towards the large black and jagged structure.
“That’s not my home. My home is back in Kansas with my parents, and my friends, and my human body.”
I seemed to only confuse them more as they gave each other looks that read to each other, 'Is he crazy?'
Then, the female took a step forward and spoke more gently than before. “I think it’s obvious that you must not be feeling well. We heard that you collapsed in the mines after some kind of panic attack and landed on your head. So, you may just be experiencing some brain trauma. We should take you back to one of the caretakers and have you checked out.”
“No No No! I’m not going back there! I need to get home, to my family!”
I watched as the male creature leaned over to the other and whispered something. It sounded like he said "I think he's lost it. Do you think we should just let him leave? He might be some kind of danger to the Hive with how crazy he seems to be acting right now?"
The female only gave a disapproving shake of her head, before moving a little bit closer to me. She took a small breath before speaking. "I was given direct orders from Queen Chrysalis to watch over you as you recovered and make sure you stayed safe in the Hive. And I'm definitely not failing the Queen, so you have two options. Either you come back willingly, or we will drag you back by force." She remained completely stern and composed throughout her speech, while the male behind her struggled to stifle his laughter.
"What's so funny?" she asked, turning to look at him.
"Oh nothing Miss Bossling" he answered with a chuckle.
She only responded with an irritated grunt before facing me once more. "So, I gave you two options. Would you rather do this the easy way, or the hard way, the choice is yours."
I just stared at her because I didn't know how to respond. I definitely was not planning on going back to the "Hive". But I knew if I told them that, they would just drag me back there anyways. So, I decided to play along for now and hope that an opportunity for escape opened up later.
"Fine," I said. "I'll come back with you guys."
"Oh, well that was easier than I thought" the female said. "Just follow us and we'll lead you back to one of the caretakers."
Then, the duo turned around, back towards the ebony castle with me in tow. We walked for about a minute in an uncomfortable silence before the two of them began talking with each other. Their discussion began with recent news of the Hive, and some other things that I was too disinterested in to listen to. However, their conversation eventually evolved into bickering over something stupid like how the other's face resembled a donkey's. I'm not sure how they got on the subject so quickly. Anyways, they eventually got into a full-fledged argument, seemingly forgetting about me entirely. So I immediately took advantage of the opportunity and tried to sneak away from the two.
I stealthily took a couple steps away from them, making my way back towards the vast desert. I felt a smile grow with every step I took, but it quickly vanished when I felt my entire body stiffen. Something had stopped me and I had no idea what was happening! I felt odd... like something else was keeping me in place. I could see some kind of translucent green hue surrounding me like a bubble. And then, I heard a familiar voice, "Really?! Did you really think that you would get away that easily?" the female voice said with an evident amusement. Crap.
"What'd you do to me!?" I asked, both worried and angered.
"It's just an old-fancy-shmancy telekinesis spell."
"A what?!"
I was somehow spun around to face her. Once I could see her, she pointed towards her horn which exuded a similar green hue to that which currently surrounded me.
"You're doing this?" I asked, finally putting the pieces together. I was fascinated and a little fearful of the power she wielded.
"Well of course, it's the most basic magic ever, just about any changeling can do it, even some of those measly ponies can."
Ponies? Magic?! I was starting to lose track of what was going on. Things were getting crazier and crazier and i was pondering what other nonsensical things I would encounter.
"Anyhow, this'll be your form of transport from now on until we get back to the Hive, just to make sure that you don't try to escape again" the female said with a sheepish grin.
All I could do was sigh in defeat as these wicked bug-horse witches levitated me back to "the Hive."
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If the OCs of this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
8135934 That's a good question
What do you imagine them to sound like. In my mind, the male sounds like a normal changeling from the show while the female is a bit harder to explain. I imagine her to be more like a mix of a nicer Chrysalis and a changeling
Things are going well!
Hmm... Elytra and Mandible?
A pretty good story so far, but there are definitely some points where you can improve.
I can see you're making good use of words and meanings, and clever uses of them could really accentuate your story if used correctly. One thing you have to be aware of, however, is that you don't over elaborate your sentences or paragraphs to the point where they become a chore to read, and leaves the reader wanting to skim. Such a thing can destroy a story and make it more akin to an info drop than an entertaining read.
What some writer do is they put inner thoughts of characters, such as the two ending sentences, in italics, so that the reader knows these are separate from the previous passages.
One other thing that could really help hook people on to your story is the greater use of showing than telling.
I don't know the best way to explain it to you... but that's why there's the internet!
https://www.scribendi.com/advice/how_to_avoid_telling_writing_in_fiction.en.html
For your two OCs, you can stick to the standard and try some names that have something to do with espionage, insects, shapeshifting, or maybe even something that defines their character, if they're going be around for a while.
Maybe, for the male, something like Shift, and the female, maybe something like Amby (short for Ambition).
8151854 Thank you for the feedback! I definitely understand what you're saying when you talk about overelaborating sentences. I sometimes make certain parts way too complex because I don't like using the same word several times in a chapter. But, it makes sense if it just gets annoying to read, so I'll look out for that in the future. Also, do you think it's too late to express the inner monologue with italics? I'm not sure how it would look if all the other chapters didn't use it, and then started using it in the fourth chapter. I'd be fine doing it, but I'm just worried some people might be annoyed by the inconsistency of the writing "style." But in any case, thank you for the feedback and I'll be sure to keep your improvements close to hear!
8137255 Those are some very interesting names. I could see the protagonist possibly naming the two as Elytra and Mandible. They both sound like a good female and male changeling name.
8154751 I'm glad you took my criticism so well, and saw it as help for you to improve. You can go beyond any average standard with an attitude like that.
Okay,
the italics is not a big issue if want to start implementing them now or in later chapters. It will make those inner thoughts, happening in the present tense of the story, much clearer though. I know I at least had to stop reading for a sec and double back when the sentence suddenly ended in an exclamation and question mark when the previous sentence was talking in the past tense. That sudden change from past to present tense should be distinguished.
Now, about your style of sentences; I honestly think they are all, mostly, pretty good. There just isn't enough dialogue...
OKAY HOLD ON I FIGURED IT OUT
Read through this chapter again, and just notice how many time you use the word "I".
For every paragraph, you use "I" at the start of nearly every sentence. (Not to say using the word is bad, but using it too often in the scheme of things is) Your use of the word is way to frequent, when you could be using other means of conveying what you want your audience to know.
That's what people mean when they say, "You're "telling too much." You're having your character explain to us everything that is happening when you just don't need to do that. (Or more like, you really shouldn't do that)
I would suggest messaging one of the many cool and awesome people on here, whose story really attracted you to wanting to write fiction, and asking them for advice for something like this, and maybe ask them to read through your story and how you can fix any issues you may be having.
Here. I've been stuck on reading this story to the end, and I think you can learn to improve from reading not only the light banter, but what happens during paragraphs without any dialogue. It's called "My Life as a Bipedal Quadruped."
Like some people already said, this story has promise, and I know it can go far.
8155227 Sweet, I'll be sure to take a look at that story and see if I can't gain some insight. Once again, thank you for the feedback and I'll also look to express the first person perspective in a more interesting way, hopefully by using more variety in word choice in the first person. Thank you.
another great chapter! i can't wait for the next one! take all the time u need, though ?
Looks good...Oh. It's dead.
9109389
Like all the other good ones...
I-come on!
I hope he will never tell any species that he’s a human because that’s a huge risk, I hope he will find away to live a normal pony life.