I'm done. I just don't have fun writing stuff anymore. You're free to take any of this material as your own. Have fun!
You've been best friends with Rainbow Dash since somehow winding up in Equestria. She's gotten your mind off of the terrible predicament that you've found yourself in and has been the most fun, supportive and understanding pony you've met.
Only, lately she's been acting quite strange around you. There is obviously something bothering her, but every time you mention it, she changes the subject and averts the question.
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Dawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that was nice ( I would have said cute but I dispise that word)
Not to shabby
Anything that makes my dashie happy makes me happy. Good job.
good job, like damn good man, 7/10, got to say rushed a bit, BUT made up it the comedy and good word choice so yeah good job
Short, sweet, and fluffy... I loved it!
It would be interesting to see what you could do with the rest of the Mane 6.
you've somehow wounded up here.
*you somehow wound up here*
Im not fully certain that's the right spelling of wound but im just going on a hunch, as the sentance threw me off from the immersion
Good story though! Short and sweet!
Sincerely,
MorningStarTheMage
The fluff is strong with this one. Have an upwards pointing thumb.
Nice story. It is a little better than my stories.
Nice story. It is a little better than my stories.
Argh. The cuteness is over powering. ~hug
Story plot seems a bit familiar.....
7643282 I'm glad you liked it. I got inspired to do it after your last story!
7643424 Yeah, I'm sorry if it felt rushed. Making lengthy chapters/stories has been a flaw of mine, but I'm glad you were still able to enjoy it!
7643915 Thank you! I had no idea it got featured!
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for having enjoyed this story. I really wasn't expecting such a positive response from all of you wonderful people. But, this was definitely a great way to wake up in the morning! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your days!
I love this story, but as you said in your note, you wanted some feedback. I think you did job describing what was going on in the beginning and the end, but in the middle of the story, it felt kind of rushed. I know that it's supposed to be a one chapter story, but you could've gone into more detail in the middle. I have a feeling that you were rushed to get to the part where Rainbow kisses the reader, but you could've been more patient. Again, i'm not trying to say you're a bad writer, because you're not, i'm just giving you feedback. Anyway, in future stories just slow down a bit and it'll be perfect in my eyes. Great Story!!
7644064 I really do appreciate the feedback.
I'll be sure to try and fix it in the future. I've been told a lot that my writing can seem rushed at points, which I can understand. I appreciate that you told me where in the story this happens.
In any case, I'm glad that you were still able to enjoy it!
Neat story! But... damn it I'm tired of these clichés. Oblivious Anon about Rainbro and the "coffee is magic elixir from the gods" bullshit. Sorry for that but I had to let it out
I must say this is EXTREMELY clichéd. But sweet nonetheless!
7644191 Trust me, it's completely understandable. This was more of an exercise for me cause I've never done something like this.
7644199 That's really cool of you, thanks
I like your story, at least it wasn't dragged out and had a thousand moments of Dash being a total love-struck goof.
Id like to meet the bitch who though 2nd person self-insert fics are good writing
7644206 delete this
Self-insert is just lazy writing
That was pretty good,Cut and fluffy a good combo. And I could totally see Dash liking rom-coms...tho she would never admit it to her friends.
Good story, but it can get a bit boring at times and the whole 'Anon' thing bothers me a little with how overused it's getting. Just some advice, and otherwise I enjoyed the story
7644367 Yea, the whole 'Anon' thing is still a foreign concept for me. I just wanted to experiment with the whole 2nd person and Romance genre because I've never written anything like this before. But, I do appreciate the feedback!
7644315 And insults are lazy criticism.
We can agree that second-person, self-insert stories are not as creative, and thought provoking as other genres. Namely stories that expand on the world, and have a message to tell. But that doesn't excuse you from being courteous, and patient when it comes to giving the author some advice. No one wants to listen to a dick; all they do is frighten little girls, and make a mess.
7644376
NP. I hope to see more stories from you, I do like your style overall!
Good story, but there's one nitpick I have:
To me, it makes less awkward and more of how Humans from Star Wars, Star Trek, or even Mass Effect can fall in love with different Alien Species.
Well, 'TaylorTheFailure', looks like you've finally succeeded. Look at you there... standing proudly in the featured box. Kudos to you, my friend. HUZZAH!!
7644620 Lol. Thank you very much!
The line with depression should be (in my opinion...) say, "You would go into a state of depression."
There should be a comma after "Sure thing Anon," and a question mark after "How about apple-pie?"
You should also use a dash after apple-crisps to show a cutoff in Applejack's sentence.
A comma after discount.
Commas after each sentence both characters said.
Commas, once again. Or periods.
Commas...
For the response Rainbow gives, you might want to revise it like this: "She said in a somewhat saddened tone."
*facepalms cause MC is stupid, but okai
Might want to change the period to ellipses, or three periods to show a unsure/shy response.
Ellipses again, and it should be like "It depends on how I feel..."
"Leads" should be past-tense. "... and led the way to the correct theater."
leapmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/16341454435750.jpg
Commas, damnit... x3
And you cannot deny cute Rainbow Dash~!
After "...deadly focused on the film...", change the period to a comma, and 'Her' lowercased.
Change the last part of the sentence to this: "You winced, slightly disgusted by the act."
The way you put that last part made it sound like you were in it...
Comma....
This was very good, (save for the commas...) as it stands in my top lists of Second POV. Congrats on getting into the featured box~!
*huggles
7644952 Thank you for taking the time to correct those mistakes. I'll be sure to fix them immediately (I have no idea how I missed so many damn commas). But I do appreciate it!
And I'm so grateful that this was somehow listed as featured! I definitely don't deserve it, but nonetheless, I couldn't be more happy! Thanx!
10/10 - IGN
7645350 3/10 - Metacritic
7645355 Y!?
This was really mediocre. Not even anything particularly good or bad to say about it, it's just resoundingly "meh" all the way through.
It was ok.
There's nothing technically wrong with this story. Unfortunately, I've read this idea at least five times before, and it's been done better (and longer) elsewhere.
For writing things, try sentence varietyyy
How about:
You wake up to the familiar feeling of comfortable sheets- soft sunlight pours through the window. The covers slide off slowly as you sit up, there's a great big yawn somewhere in your throat, or your mouth, and knobbly creaking in your arms as you stretch them. You slowly turn your head towards the nightstand. On top of it is a clock: through half-lidded eyes, you see that it's time to get up.
Oh, and even though I didn't avoid it in that paragraph...
Almost all your sentences have the word "you" in it.
Even though it's a second person view story thingie, try not to stress how much in the story "you" are.
I hope this helps. I also hope that I don't sound condescending, because my writing is not the best either.
7646358 I didn't find it condescending whatsoever. I really do appreciate the feedback, considering this was the first time I've ever tried something like this. I'll be sure to add those additions to the paragraph.
Thank you for the constructive criticism!
Nothing wrong with it grammatically, short, and sweet and to the point. If this was an experiment to see if you can write effectively in 2nd person, I would say that you succeeded. 2nd person perspective is, as others have noted, a difficult genre, mainly because it is extremely awkward. The trick to making fiction writing work is to engage and involve the reader in the story personally, to have them empathize with the characters. 2nd perspective writing is the literary equivalent of a 2x4 upside the head; you are literally TELLING you reader that he or she is a part of the story. Since people are so diverse, this requires you to make the perspective character as bland as possible so that it potentially includes as wide an audience of readers as possible, and balancing that with keeping the main character's responses interesting is difficult. So again, in that respect, well done.
As for constructive criticism, I think you need to push outside your comfort zone a bit.
Yeah, this is fine for what it is, but as fanfiction goes, this is like a puff of confectionery sugar. It's sweet, it's simple, but ultimately unsatisfying and usually much much better with something else. There is nothing exciting, witty, thought provoking, or funny in this work, the main conflict to be resolved is simply "will Dash get the stallion she desires" and it is resolved quickly and neatly with no real barriers to prevent it from happening. In other words, it works as a SCENE, but as a story by itself it leaves the reader with the feeling, "Ok, well that was nice, but... well, I guess it was a thing." I'm not saying you have to break new ground, but stories feed on their conflict, there really isn't any in this story. My suggestion, for future writing, not necessarily on this story as it IS a self-contained work, is that you need to punch it up a bit. Conflict doesn't necessarily need to mean people fighting and dying. Conflict in fiction is literally obstructions towards the goal the protagonists have. In romantic fiction that can literally be just another person pursuing the love interest.
The rest of this is personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. I personally find it difficult to relate to Anon in this story. Mostly because I find it difficult to even associate personality traits with him. All I know of Anon is that he's not particularly smart, terribly lacking in perception, and for the most part is dealing with being separated from humanity "ok". He's got some issues, but he seems to be dealing with them well. He is AT LEAST aware of the difference between human and pony courtship rituals, but that's about all I'll give him. This leaves me feeling as though Anon is bland, uninteresting, and I'm not entirely sure why Rainbow even likes the guy.
Now, as previously stated, this is personal opinion, and I understand that writing in the 2nd person kind of requires a somewhat vaguely defined viewpoint character. My advice? Writing perspective is a tool, just like any other literary device. Different genres work more naturally with some writing perspectives than others. I personally feel that romantic stories focus on internal conflict more than external, and as a result, the characters HAVE to be interesting, working, real flawed people in their own right. As a result, 2nd person is a difficult perspective to make work, for the reasons I previously stated. If you're going to make Anon well defined enough to be a character in his own right, why tell us that we are Anon? I'm not saying it can't be done, I'm saying it's like souping up an econobox to within an inch of its life and then drag racing with it. Sure, you can DO it, but it would have been a hell of a lot easier to start with something more robust.
In any case, this is about as critical a response as I can give on the work. It wasn't really long enough to give a real in depth review of it. In closing, is this; I enjoyed it, but if you ask me my opinion of it in a week or two, I probably couldn't tell you what it was called, or any details about it.
Nice and cute. Reminded me about "Xenopfilia".
7646856 That is more than fair. You definitely make a lot good points especially in terms of the safety of this "story." I really appreciate the feedback and will keep it in mind for the future for sure.
Good story it was short and sweet and simple enough plot. Only suggestion would to get rid of the "dating pony dilemma" or make it more relevant. With that kinda of thing its always full on or bust. Don't half ass it. Other than that it was a good story.
7645332 Oi, no problem~!
~
!
That was ADORABLE!
Felt a bit rushed. But it was a nice little bowl of sugar to munch on.
7646856
I have never once felt part of any story just because it was told in second person. The way people keep repeating this as if it was some kind of golden wisdom is really ridiculous. Second person is a grammatical perspective like any other and none of that actually applies unless you're willing to treat it that way. The rest of that may sum the story up well, but it also has absolutely nothing to do with being written in second person and would be equally true in any other.