What if Twilight had a friend before heading to Ponyville, what if there was a seventh Element of Harmony, what if this pony stayed with Twilight in Ponyville. how would things have turned out
Editing by KingJoltik
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Chapters (11)
- Member Since 31st Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 6 minutes ago
Banshee531
I've always been a lover and writer of fanfiction, but it wasn't until I got into MLP that I really found something I loved writing about. Hope you all enjoy.
Banshee531
Joined 31st Oct, 2016 ·
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Sequels1
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Banshee531 · 151k words · 122 12 · 6.8k views
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This is a good story idea but you need to go back and edit your chapters better. You misspell Cadance's name and several words don't seem right, like towards the end Joe says "of your party" when I think you mean "for your party."
Thanks I hadn't realised that and managed to fix it. I'll be making sure I proof read from now on
Word of friendly advice: while its not a rule that you have to, it is generally frowned upon to have chapters with a word count lower than at least a thousand words each. I might recommend combining the first two to meet this unspoken requirement. Other than it seems pretty decent so far. Keep up the good work.
I had originally intended to have it like that, but couldn't think of a way to segue from Flash's tree house to Twilight's Birthday so just decided to have them in two chapters
7695115 Didn't know you replied to me. If you want someone to know that you replied to them, click on that little arrow icon on the right of the comment box. Hope that helps.
The actual story is pleasant so far. I just wish that I didn't have to slog through all those spelling and grammar errors.
I've just read this for the first time, and is really good so far, please continue.
I like this idea, (I'm a sucker for FlashLight) but you need an editor. I'd help you with that if you'd like.
7703380 if you don't mind doing that but how would it work
7703484 Did you get my PM over that?
7695115 You have to put periods and questions marks and exclamation at the appropriate times, otherwise it will annoy readers.
I love love love how Flash's openness and boyish charm plays off of Twilight's ever increasing annoyance. I also realized how much more interesting of a group dynamic the actual show would have had if the main cast had another boy.
You seriously need to put periods, exclamation points, and question marks at the end of characters sentences. I really like this story I do, but simple stuff like this is what stops from reading stories in the first place.
7708831 sorry about that but I'm really terrible with that kind of stuff. Hopefully my new editor will fix these problems
Man, now I REALLY wish that the main cast canonically had another boy.
Wow! This was epic. I know a lot of Flash's haters wanted to see him get beat up, but I doubt they were expecting this.
WHY IS THIS NOT CANON?!
Flash played off of Spike and the girls beautifully. This should be canon.
This was a pretty good story. Thanks very much for doing this. Not much I can say other than excellent job on the exchanges, emotional content, general story wrap-up and future story set-up in all the right places. And, I had this odd thought; maybe "Amending Fences" could happen here MUCH sooner than in canon (i.e. in this case, Twilight returns to Canterlot long enough to pack a few prized belongings for her move to Ponyville and explain things to her parents and big brother, but either Spike or Flash (possibly both of them) make some comment that "It seems odd that you are just realizing how good it feels to have friends, but there are ponies here in Canterlot who have been trying to tell you something similar for a long time now. Moondancer in particular." (or words to that extent), which makes Twilight realize just how badly she unintentionally hurt Moondancer by snubbing her party and set out to fix things.
Of course, if you don't like the idea, I understand completely.
7715829 dude. you might have just got me a chapter. For the next story I intend to have a combo of cannon episodes with Flash integrated and original chapters which you've just helped add to, thanks
7715843 You're quite welcome.
I smell a SoarinDash ship coming on.
You took that from Aladdin.... Don't know if that was lazy, clever, cleverly lazy or lazily clever.. . But I approve
While not familiar with post Digimon Season 4, I approve of the Royal Knights, is Shining one?
Nice to have a real straight-ma...stallion, that they Spike didn't try but Flash as a pony has more...force to it
7757300 No he's not. Like I said only a Pony who has done an incredibly courageous deed or is trained by another. Shinning will still be Captain of the Guard, but won't be anything else
A little too much like the first part of Episode 2 of the seires, but nice to have someone that can actually provide contrast to the mane 6
I'm guessing that this AU completely disregards the tree of harmony origin of the elements.
7765101 No, I'm going to include that later. Just don't ask me how yet.
7757424 Fair enough
I know. Posting a comment here after doing so for the sequel is unorthodox, but I thought I might offer my input in here, as well. As I'm sure you're aware, a few discrepancies with the punctuation, spelling and grammar. But nothing too major, in my opinion. It doesn't deter me from enjoying what you have going on here. I especially liked how you integrated Twilight bumping into Flash as foals, via slightly Aladdin. I also like how his determination from living on the streets helped push him through the obstacle course, even though he didn't necessarily have to, except maybe to give his own courage and mettle a boost. It was also touching to see he got a mentor figure in Grand Hoof, to correlate with Celestia for Twilight. I was half-hoping for at least a moment of temptation from the young colt to steal, while in the palace, given his survival instinct, and get in a little trouble with Shining, but, oh well. Speaking of which, how will he fit into the Wedding, I wonder. Only one way to find out. Besides, we still have a Gala and Discord to deal with, first. Keep up the good work.
I don't remember the flexing and the acting macho part. Umm, is your editor trying to get Flash to start a harem?
Huh. In canon, AJ's apple was orange. I'm guessing you changed it, so that the Elements didn't have more than one color of each gem. I'm fine with it. Green fits with AJ's color scheme pretty well.
I read this after your latest chapter in the sequel. I dont know why I read them out of order, but I did.
Definitely a good read.
"Come on kiddo, I know a shortcut."
I'm surprised Grand Hoof didn't make a terrible pun and drink out of a ketchup bottle. Then you would've completed the reference.
I didn't expect Flash to be... amazing here.
I expected Flash here to be either pathetic and/or bland at best or a complete hate-sink at worst but nope, you took my negative expectations and tossed it against the moon so hard it shattered Nightmare Moon's seal and destroyed the moon a la Disgaea. So many unexpected twists you did that I love.
For instance, Flash's main strength is his courage, but his humility and his "I've-seen-it-all" vibe to him makes for some pretty profound moments and/or absolute comedy gold. When he started talking about stuff like the folly of poor character judgment, comforting Fluttershy and teaching her the meaning of courage, I thought... "This is gonna be one of my favorites, isn't it?"
And I was right.
Hell, as of the (amazing) Amending Fences episode in the sequel, with his new weapon Lightbringer, he now has the potential to be one of the most powerful characters in the series, WHICH WAS THE LAST THING I EXPECTED FROM HIM!
That said, I do have a few criticisms on both here and the sequel. In some episodes where Twilight is the major focus, she doesn't get enough of it. She mostly does research and only sometimes solves the problem herself. And even THEN, it's a minor criticism since she and Flash play off each other so well, especially in the sanity department.
I expected this to be nothing more than another average shipfic but nope, expectations inverted, exceeded and exploded.
Oh and as for the spelling and grammar errors... Who cares? The story is a fun read. Besides, the grammar errors (prior to edits) bothered me about as much as a flea giving me the middle finger; it's barely noticable, and by the time I noticed it, I give so little crap I just go about my day.
8055314 This story and its sequel are basically a textbook example at making a character that is shown as something people don't like and making them likable. I just wish more people paid attention to it.
Is still a small chapter but I gotta say, I am so glad that u didn’t write Twilight and Flash romance as “Love at First Sight”. I hate that.
I definitely like what I’m reading so far.
7757138
For a moment I thought that he would start singing that song from Aladdin.
awesome story
who got the king arthur reference
8578030 I didn't and I wrote it. What king arthur reference?
Find out indeed
First
https://www.deviantart.com/xxxkayceejrxxx/art/Flash-sentry-Chronicles-the-element-of-courage-753597860
Dude, congratulations! You got fanart! Whoot! Whoot!
7708995
Also, a little side note, but if a character’s dialogue ends with a period, you wanna replace it witha comma. “Blah blah blah,” the person said.
8230382
7757138
"All this for a hayburger and fries?"
I want to like it. I really, really do want to like it. I love Flashlight, and I wish there were more stories that used Flash and used him well.
Unfortunately, Flash in this story is a bit too much of a Gary Stu. A street kid who becomes a Royal Knight through a twist of fate, is totally unflappable in the face of any danger, and creates a new element of harmony all on his own? It just screams Gary Stu to me.
9846505 Yeah, this was me trying to make Flash so great nobody could say anything bad about him. But that just made him so perfect people couldn't become interested in his struggles. He gets less perfect as the series goes on, promise.
9846757
It’s okay: we all have stumbling blocks initially. My first version of my OC was a pretty big Gary Stu too.
Now I really like having Flash Sentry accompanying Twilight and Spike to Ponyville. Him actually encouraging Twi to make more friends brings an extra dynamic into this first installment into show itself.