I love this. The clop is kinky as hell yet not disgusting. The story could use some more spellchecking and better style (sometimes quite hard to understand what is happening or who says what), but in the end, i really enjoy reading this.
Very good, So far this would have to go in my top 5 favorites. And that's out of 191 favorites. Your chapter's are definitely worth the wait. And the best part is that they keep getting longer! Never let ANYONE rush you with this, take all the time you need to continue making future chapters as awesome as it is so far. I really like how you make Celestia more down to earth. In most of these, she's always a super powerful being that only Discord can beat. The way you give her limits makes her seem more real and less OP. So in short, Keep up the good work!
1429948 Unfortunately my proofreaders have abandoned me before Entwine and I'm doing all the proofreading myself... and so, as the author, I lack the perspective of what my imagination fills and what needs to be said. One needs external insight for that and it's hard to find willing proofreaders for something this lengthy. 1430050 Sorry to disappoint but there are only two chapters of the story left. But on the other hoof, the next chapter, while shorter, is definitely more intense and darker than anything so far. (essentially, it is the last chapter, and the other one will be more of a lengthy epilogue....) 1430545 Next chapter will be 10k words, most of it is written already. Still not sure about the last, but it shouldn't be very long either...
Oh that is a shame. And i think i understand what you mean (the lack of objective insight) I keep trying my hand at writing and run in a similar issue, so in the end everything i create goes down the drawer. I respect what you do, and as i said, i find the story captivating and really enjoyable. Work out the "technical" kinks and i would not hesitate to call it great writing. What you created feels lively and got that immeasurable quality.
Alright, you asked for some criticism: two things stuck in my mind in this chapter. The first thing is Zorana's cookie invention. That came out of left field, especially since I expected something dramatic after her entry with "Wait!" just after something serious was to be set in motion. The just-in-time dramaturgy doesn't fit the background of someone giving an order to simply load a train. The dramatic entrance makes sense a few paragraphs later when the scale of her invention is explained. It is dramatic of course, there just was no need for speed. That one broke the flow for me for a while.
The next one was Celestia's performance at the temple. It was a scene full of wonderful ideas and worldbuilding but much too compressed for all the information given. The narrative lost its all-encompassing feel there, making the temple chock full of ponies feel like a static stage. The short but kind of pointless action shortly after (patriarch ordering Celestia killed) felt very superfluous to me, the classic watermelon bomb didn't help. I guess this could have been a really great thing if Celestia had actually given a scheduled sermon, maybe having gotten one snuck in directly after the patriarch had finished, in an orderly way.
Anyway, these are the only points that stuck in this enormous chapter, so there. Again, highly enjoyable. And just to point out that out of left field paragraphs don't have to be a bad thing at all:
“Thank you kindly, Prince Zenith. I will serve my sentence faithfully.”
Completely unexpected scene. Very powerful writing. Sudden immense character development. Great job here, all the more impact because it came so unexpected.
I love this. The clop is kinky as hell yet not disgusting. The story could use some more spellchecking and better style (sometimes quite hard to understand what is happening or who says what), but in the end, i really enjoy reading this.
Very good, So far this would have to go in my top 5 favorites. And that's out of 191 favorites. Your chapter's are definitely worth the wait. And the best part is that they keep getting longer! Never let ANYONE rush you with this, take all the time you need to continue making future chapters as awesome as it is so far.
I really like how you make Celestia more down to earth. In most of these, she's always a super powerful being that only Discord can beat. The way you give her limits makes her seem more real and less OP.
So in short, Keep up the good work!
1429948
Unfortunately my proofreaders have abandoned me before Entwine and I'm doing all the proofreading myself... and so, as the author, I lack the perspective of what my imagination fills and what needs to be said. One needs external insight for that and it's hard to find willing proofreaders for something this lengthy.
1430050
Sorry to disappoint but there are only two chapters of the story left. But on the other hoof, the next chapter, while shorter, is definitely more intense and darker than anything so far. (essentially, it is the last chapter, and the other one will be more of a lengthy epilogue....)
1430545
Next chapter will be 10k words, most of it is written already. Still not sure about the last, but it shouldn't be very long either...
Oh that is a shame. And i think i understand what you mean (the lack of objective insight) I keep trying my hand at writing and run in a similar issue, so in the end everything i create goes down the drawer. I respect what you do, and as i said, i find the story captivating and really enjoyable. Work out the "technical" kinks and i would not hesitate to call it great writing.
What you created feels lively and got that immeasurable quality.
Alright, you asked for some criticism: two things stuck in my mind in this chapter.
The first thing is Zorana's cookie invention. That came out of left field, especially since I expected something dramatic after her entry with "Wait!" just after something serious was to be set in motion. The just-in-time dramaturgy doesn't fit the background of someone giving an order to simply load a train. The dramatic entrance makes sense a few paragraphs later when the scale of her invention is explained. It is dramatic of course, there just was no need for speed.
That one broke the flow for me for a while.
The next one was Celestia's performance at the temple. It was a scene full of wonderful ideas and worldbuilding but much too compressed for all the information given. The narrative lost its all-encompassing feel there, making the temple chock full of ponies feel like a static stage. The short but kind of pointless action shortly after (patriarch ordering Celestia killed) felt very superfluous to me, the classic watermelon bomb didn't help. I guess this could have been a really great thing if Celestia had actually given a scheduled sermon, maybe having gotten one snuck in directly after the patriarch had finished, in an orderly way.
Anyway, these are the only points that stuck in this enormous chapter, so there.
Again, highly enjoyable.
And just to point out that out of left field paragraphs don't have to be a bad thing at all:
Completely unexpected scene. Very powerful writing. Sudden immense character development.
Great job here, all the more impact because it came so unexpected.