- Member Since 22nd Aug, 2015
- offline last seen Last Thursday
Helljumper206
I read what I want and wright what I want, you read me?!?!
Helljumper206
Joined 22nd Aug, 2015 ·
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All aboard the band-wagon.
muzzle
Dunno if this could still pass as correct. Add a comma perhaps? "Spike, I'm bored"
Is he sitting or is he standing, make up your mind
It think you're supposed to use "a while" in this situation
Again, a comma after "Yeah" would do good. Also the rest of the sentence bothers me a little, maybe change it up with "finished all of them two days ago"?
this should be "an". Or you could potentially change it to "a book on astronomy". There should also be an "s" at the end there.
Tirek
figured. shaped
I'd also change it from "a chest" to "the chest", seeing as there only one in existence
Drop the "have". You could also change "get" to "obtain"
At this point I'll just stop pointing out places there is a need for some punctuation, like commas, because I foresee a lot of them unfortunately
you're
I'd either drop "around" or add something more to it. like "Around town", "around the castle", etc.
"up from her spot" maybe?
forgot a word here
Either add a comma after "see", or remove "that"
it. Cadance. Shining
Aaand this is getting tiresome, I am not cut out for this, especially not in the middle of the night. I'll still continue to read and I do hope this helped a little bit. Sorry for not doing more
need and editor and serious spelling check
more
7567266 Did some editing so should be a lot smother to read now. Thank you for pointing those out friend.
Despite some grammar corrections I can't wait for the next chapter. I wonder if he'll awaken.
i love it
Great story so far. It has a lot of potential, I feel, because there really are not a lot of Doom/MLP crossovers with the actual Doomguy so big points in my book.
This one especially takes an interesting approach that could really set itself apart from others. The tome describing the Doom Slayer, the tomb, and the actual physical manifestation in a Doom Slayer testament could be good selling points. So definitely keep heading in that direction.
A few issues that need to be pointed out are some issues with grammar and spelling. Not huge issues but enough to break the flow. Luckily there are a few groups on this website that will gladly proofread it for you and catch most if not all of the mistakes. Also try to be more descriptive about the characters. I wouldn't have known they were anthro until you said "hands." Describe what the characters are wearing and/or the setting that allows your reader to paint a mental picture of the character. Such as "As twilight descended the staircase and the encroaching darkness began to swallow her like a giant maw, she couldn't help but bring her hands up close to her chest and rub them together, all the while biting her lip nervously. Sweat began forming on her next dripping down to the fabric of the pink bow and ribbon that was the collar of the yellow sun dress that was gifted to by her dear friend Rarity for her birthday." Or something along those lines.
But other than that keep up the good work and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Also quick question is the Doom Slayer human?
7578731 Thank you for your input on my story and I know I have a little trouble in the past about the characters dialogue and how they will act to each other so I'm spending extra time on that and trying put more voice in it.
To answer your last question. Humans are extinct and is the race before ponys came to be. I haven't decided yet on how he will play out as a pony yet.
HOLY SHI-- I love what your doing with this story keep er goin
So what now?
7582294 Probably more rip and tear
Who else is expecting Twilight to take Discord, Celestia, and Luna to the Doomslayers Tomb only for him to break out.
7588157 me
By "DOOM" you mean that old first-person shooter game, right?
You know what.? Thank you for catching that, fixing that now.
7578731 No one knows whether he´s human or not, although some passages in the game seem to suggest that he is the very same marine from the classics and that Doom is a follow up to Doom 64.
On my mind, I see it like this: Doomguy decides to stay in hell and as he goes from dimension to dimension (Hinted in the game as well and this may be a reference to wads) until he ends up in Argent D´Nur, meets its citizens and forms a bond with them. Hell invades, they trick Doomguy and seal him in a tomb.
The game also hints that Doomguy is thousands of years old, which may be connected to the idea of him dying at the first chapter of the original Doom "Knee-deep in the death".
Where is a new chapter that is out now today?
7618673 sorry about that I was trying to save my work but actcedenly published it before it was ready.
7619251 oh
7619251 so when will the next chapter being out?
Hey.
Good job. I can;t wait for them to realise the stone coffin has someone still alive in it. Someone who's famous for three words....RIP AND TEAR
Fucking great chapter. Loving the story
holy heck this seems just from the start like a idea i had for a story
when are you going to continue the story? this is very good.
7682654 I've been distracted with work the last few weeks and writing on my phone is hard when your trying to edit. the story is still on no worries there
Now THIS is an interesting doom story. I really like how you incorporated the new Doom game's lore within your story. Hopefully Twilight and the gang do not summon any demons cause that would be the last thing they would ever need.
Ouch. Though it sounds interesting... to have misspells in the very summary of it is not a good sign. Using 'board' where you mean 'bored'.:\
RIP AND TEAR!
grammar, that's all I really have to say
other wise its a good story so far
Seriously grammar is still totally f**ked up, go over it with three editors. You need practice.
Did the Mane 6 end up in Hell?
7976267 Yes. + Starlight and Spike
Boredom, not board'em. I could understand boardem, but why is there an apostrophe in there? You really need to go over your spelling and grammar. Having a mistake like that, especially when it's in your summary, paints a very poor first impression.
7976284 Hey I know busy an all but when will the story continue?
Before I read this, what is the
Gore, andDarktag for ?And how bad does it get ?
p.s. Sex ?
8243521
The gore and dark tag is mainly focused on when they see the setting Doom guy is in.
The sex tag is for the nudity that is spotted in the story
8243548
when will there be a update to the story?
8352618
I would have already updated this story but last month I lost all of my progress I did on it and now having trouble reweighting it
8356453
Don't you mean rewritten.
LOVE your story mate, and like i tell other writers here.... who CARES how long it takes for you to write a chapter, as long as what you deliver is awesome.... and buddy, you deliver the awesomeness by the TON.... keep up the good work, looking forward to the next chapter
good chapter and i cant wait to see what happens when they get to the end of the book.
Lets see if she can handel the knowledge about the Blood temples and the sarcophagus cargo
Looks like the DOOM Slayer is going to wake up soon.
Ah, even the Doom Slayer has a soft spot.
THOU SHALT LOVE ALL BUNNY RABBITS (save for Angel bunny the douch) ........... so sayth the first commandment of the blessed DOOM SLAYER
Awesome chapter
8713021
Doom Slayer will teach Angel to be nice