DERPA

by CrimsonCowboy

Much ado about something.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female violent offender, Tami Owlson, a male alcoholic, Java Stout, a female mummy, Quantum Shift, and a female arsonist, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card fades to plaid.

-----
Sunday
-----

Quantum Shift, at long last, is frowning. She is holding a letter in her good hoof, and rereading it for the third time. Java Stout enters the scene. "Oh, cool, you're looking better. Ah, wait. No, you're looking worse. But your face is looking better? Well, not really. You can move your face. That's good. Uh. What's up?"

Quantum sighs and places the letter on the table. "I just checked yesterday's mail. Get Tami and Oson up. They're..."

"In trouble?"

Quantum sighs again and goes to make herself a cup of tea. "I don't really know. But that last report we filed for class? The new-and-improved function? Word's gotten back to Signal Jammer. And Discord. They want to talk."

Java purses his lips for a moment, before heading to the fridge to retrieve a beer. "OK, I'm ready. Boil some more water, I think we're going to need some pretty high grade caffeination to deal with this."

-----

"OK, one triple caramel latte, one five-shot espresso, a cup of earl grey tea, and a fortified black coffee for yours truly. I think we're ready, dudes." Java distributes the beverages he has made with his freaky barista skills.

Quantum sniffs her tea before taking a sip. She sighs, and then pushes the letter forward towards Tami and Oson. Oson has a small foam mustache. Tami has already finished her espresso.

Quantum points at the letter. "Short version: We're boned. The reigning experts in chaos magic want to talk with us. Signal Jammer, and Discord himself. They're very interested in the work we've done on the spatial contraction function. I think, from the tone of the letter, Signal Jammer justs want to discuss it with us. Discord, on the other hoof..."

Oson wipes some of the foam off of her snout. "What about Discord?"

Quantum sighs again and tosses something onto the table. It's a whoopee cushion. It has writing on it. Tami frowns as she reads aloud, "You're next. Love, Discord."

"It was inside the envelope. This envelope." Quantum shakes a regular sized envelope. "He must've snuck it in there with, well, the same magic we're studying."

Java tilts his head. "What do you think it means?"

Quantum shakes her head and sips her tea. "I have no fucking clue. It doesn't make any sense to me, which I think is the point."

Oson tilts her head. "He used comic sans font. Do you think that means anything?"

Quantum places her tea cup down. "I. Have. No. Idea. This is just... weird. It's like, the only constant with Discord, from what I've read."

Java speaks up. "So, uh, do we have a plan?"

Tami and Quantum state together, "No."

At the same time, Oson states, "Yes."

Tami and Quantum state together, "What?"

"I have a contingency plan for a Discord encounter. It's up in my room. Well, a copy of it. I had to photocopy everything after the radiation contaminated my room. That was a hassle, but it's times like these I'm really glad I did so." Oson runs upstairs to retrieve the aforementioned documents. She returns with a file folder. She pulls it open and begins to read, oblivious to the slightly stunned looks the others are giving her.

"OK, so, step one. 'Check status on life insurance policies.' Oh, dear. Um, step two... 'Check status on safety equipment.' Huh, well, we do that regularly enough. Step three. 'Document status of reality and store multiple copies in discrete locations.' Do the videos count? I think so... Ah, yes, I left a note about that below it. Um. Step four. 'Prepare a full tea service.' Oh, that's nice... Um, step five. 'Collate research on chaos derived spatial contraction fields for review.' Well, that's easy enough, I've got another folder full of that."

She looks up and asks, "So when is the meeting?" She notices that everyone is staring at her. "What?"

Quantum shakes her head and picks up the letter. "Signal Jammer is going to visit the campus on Thursday. I don't know when Discord might be about, but I'd expect he'd like to catch up with Jammer. But I can't know."

Oson taps her chin. "That's reasonable. We can probably use the cafe on campus for the tea service. But we should prepare some cucumber sandwiches and carry a thermos of tea with us wherever we go. I'll make photocopies of my notes for all of us, as well." She heads back to her room to retrieve her notes.

Java looks at the other two at the table. "I feel kinda inadequate right now. Anyone else feeling that? Cause she's, like, on top of just about everything."

Quantum frowns. "I'd expect that from you. You're drunk, twenty-four seven. I really don't know how you do it."

Java closes his eyes and crosses his forehooves. With a smile and a nod, he says, "Practice."

While Quantum slaps her head with a forehoof, Tami has held a worried frown since Oson began reciting her list. "Um. Do you guys know any insurance agents nearby? That'd cover griffons? Cause, I'm feeling I'm a bit inadequately covered right now."

She begins to wring her talons together, looking down at them. Quantum gets out of her chair. "Let me find the phone book. I think I'm gonna need to update mine, too. 'Acts of Gods' were pretty explicitly not covered by the basic policy."

-----

"Alright, ladies. Here are your dangerous mission kits." Java Stout has laid across the table a variety of items. He lifts them up in his telekinesis one by one.

"One. A copy of Oson's notes. Sticky notes have been placed on particularly interesting pages, and she has taken the time to highlight the sections that may save our lives. Read them. Know them. This may be on the test. Heh."

"Two. A one liter thermos. You are to keep this filled with tea at all times. Well, I guess you could have a cup or two throughout the day. That'd probably be fine."

"Three. A small box of cucumber sandwiches. We will be going out there with scones on Tuesday, buttery croissants on Wednesday, and back to cucumber sandwiches on Thursday. I figure we'd get sick of 'em if we had to eat them every day, so I switched it up a little."

"Four. A flare gun. If you're alone, and outside, send up a signal flare in the event of contact. If you see a flare, converge on the location ASAP. We stand a better chance if we stand together."

He places the flare gun back down. He picks up a can of beer and takes a long slurp from it. "We're facing the lord of chaos here. We've just focused on one aspect of chaos magic. Who knows what we're going to see. There's an autobiography of Discord in the living room, along with a copy of 'Discord's Favorite Puns'. I say we should read them."

He slurps again. "These may be our last days in Equestria. Remember to have fun. And if we never see each other again, I want you all to know, I've loved having you as my roommates. You're all really great."

Oson brushes a lone tear from the corner of her eye. Tami is once again wringing her talons in worry. Quantum, however, smiles. "That was the most articulate I've ever seen you Java. I liked it a lot. The flare guns, though, seem odd. Plus, we take a lot of the same classes so we wouldn't really need them. And I don't know if they allow those on campus."

Java shrugs. "I dunno. They let you walk around with that crossbow. And like, half the unicorns there know fire spells anyways, I figure it's like the same thing. Just like, don't burn down the city and we should be fine.

"Oh, and one more thing. Document. Everything." He taps his hoof on the table twice to mark the point. "We'll compare notes at the end of the night. This is a reality warper. If something starts seeming off, the sooner we know about it the sooner we can... um..."

Tami squeaks out, "Collectively start freaking out about it?"

Java shrugs again, and nods. "Yeah, that's about as good as anything I could come up with."

Quantum turns her head to look Tami over. "What's got you so worked up?"

Tami continues to wring her talons in worry. "Oh, I don't know, I just have anger issues and a tendency to curse like a sailor, and we're going to be dealing with the fucking GOD of CHAOS. I think if any of us is going to be blasted out of this dimension or something, it's probably gonna be me when I tell him off."

Java looks upward in thought while slurping his beer. "That's a good point. You're probably going to get us all killed, or worse."

Tami scowls at him. "Not helping here."

Java waves his forehoof apologetically. "No, no, I mean, we should work on those. We can find a way to mellow you out, or something. Like, meditation, mindfulness, or drugs."

"I'm allergic to benzo's and weed makes me paranoid. I'm more more with my swearing when I'm drunk."

Oson turns to look at the coffee cabinet. A small shelf holds the bags of coffee Java Stout uses in his creations. The other two shelves hold jars of instant coffee. "Maybe drink less coffee?"

Tami scowl intensifies. "You rarely say things that make me angry, Oson. I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

Java claps his hoofs together. "Mindfulness and meditation it is! If you can pretend she didn't say that, then you can pretend you're calmer!"

Tami's scowl lessens, and she returns to looking at her talons. "This week is going to suck ass."

-----
Monday
-----

Oson is looking through the bars of a jail cell at Tami. "So, why am I talking to you in the jail?"

Tami lets out a sigh. "I assaulted three of the ponies in that meditation class you found for me."

Oson's head drops as she lets out her own sigh. "Why. Just... Why."

"I can only take so much bullshit about chakras and magnetic energy healing, and the mantra they were using just really grated on my nerves."

Tami brought her arm to her chest and screws up her face. Moving it away and back from her, she chants, "Waaaa bloooooo. Waaa-aah bloooooo. Waaa-Ah-aaah blooooo." She coughs.

"Ugh. Anyway, when the instructor went on to tell me to release my inner chi to achieve real quantum healing, I picked her up and threw her into two of the other students who were trying to sell me on organic quartz before class." Tami mimes the motion of throwing.

Oson is wearing a stunned expression. "I... really picked the wrong class for you. Seriously wrong. Wow. Organic quartz? Like, silicon-oxide, quartz?"

Tami nods. "Quartz. Yeah. They had samples. They were mostly purple. Anyways, I talked with a lawyer before my arraignment. Those hippies are really forgiving, so they're not pressing charges, and 'cause it's my first offense, I should expect a night or two in here," she gestures at the cell walls, "before being let out with community service and anger management classes. So that will help. She also suggested exercising more to relieve some of my pent up energy."

Oson shakes her head. "We should've thought of anger management first. I guess I'll make sure to get notes for you for the next few days. Do you need anything while you're here, anything done? How do you feel?"

Tami shrugs. "Strangely relaxed."

-----

Oson was slightly freaked out. She took most of the same classes Tami did, and as of late relied upon the gryphoness to serve as a shield from unwarranted attention. Now, she was just a little lost changeling at a big school. And she had a big problem.

"Java, I need your help."

Java puts down the video game controller. "Sure, Oson, what's up?"

Oson sits down and begins pointing with her hooves to mark every point she makes. "I can't change. I can alter my color a little, but I can't change. I haven't in so long, I I I just forgot! I think it was all the memory exercises, and not practicing, I wasn't even very good when I was in the hive I could only copy and I'm scared and Tami's not here and I know that most ponies are good ponies but some aren't and I'm I'm I'm..."

Java has at this point walked over to her and embraces her in a hug. "Seriously freaking out?"

Oson sniffles. "Yes."

"Don't you, like, have a plan for this?"

Oson shakes her head. "I didn't consider this contingency. I've grown really dependent upon all of you, but she's around me the most. And after last week, I think I got worried. It didn't click at first, 'cause I was busy, but now..."

Java maintains the hug, looking over Oson's shoulder. He's alternating between a confused and frowning expression. "Ok, why do you feel you need to go out in a disguise?"

"I don't want to be noticed."

"Um... Don't you have to be noticed for attendance for some of those classes?"

"Dang. And I have to sit up front, too, because my vision's bad." Oson wails, "What can I do?"

"Hooboy... I don't get this, Oson. I really don't. You've gone out alone, like, a lot. Whole bunches of times. We got called by the librarians to come pick you up when they found you sleeping when they opened up shop one day. What gives?"

"I think it's anxiety... I'm prone to it when I don't get enough love. Like, most of us just get really depressed or something, but anxiety is really common too. And there are a lot of things to be anxious about right now."

"Oh. Well, that's easy enough to fix." Java gets up and sits himself back on the couch. "Come here, you can sit next to me on the couch, we'll play some games, feel some good feels, and boom, y'er good to go."

Oson tries her best puppy-dog-eyes impression, which is not terrible successful with glowing compound eyes. "I was kinda hoping you could cast an illusion spell on me."

"Oson. I'm an engineer. I'm learning this stuff because I really suck at magic. I can lift like, ten kilos, max. If I try really hard, I can cool down a beer, sometimes."

"Double dang. Could you escort me to class, then?"

"I've got a bunch of exams coming up, and I've missed, like, way too many classes last week. I'm good for that to the ASK course, but that's about it for tomorrow."

"Triple dang." She sighs. "I'll have to take what I can get. Scoot over."

"That's the spirit!"

"Player 2 has entered the game! Rocket's ready... FIGHT!"

-----
Tuesday
-----

"Please don't see me please don't see me please don't see me...."

Oson was murmuring to herself. She had climbed up on the ceiling, hidden her saddle bags beneath her wings, and had, with what little she remembered about changeling magic, blended her colors in with the surrounding marble.

"Why didn't I just stay home today? I'm a nervous wreck. I... I wouldn't have freaked out, if I were sane right now. I shouldn't have kept the flare gun with me. Oh sweet hives, I really could use a break right about now. Please, please, please, I just want to go home."

She grimaces, as a quintet of slightly singed ponies enters the hallway. She shuts her eyes and tries not to move much.

"I know I saw it running this way."

"It's gotta be down here somewhere."

"Isn't this a dead end?"

"Nah, there's an exit just around the corner to the track'n'field."

"Crap, it could be anywhere then, couldn't it?"

"I dunno. Do you smell... raspberry? Like, these are just lockers... wait... it's coming from..."

The quintet looks up. If Oson hadn't been shaking, the small patterns of shadows she had been casting would've been imperceptible. She was, however, shaking like a leaf. The last one of the quintet speaks again. "Up there."

Oson opens her eyes, the glowing blue a vibrant counterpoint to her currently marble colored exterior. "Fuck."

Magic bursts around her. She buzzes off the wall and down the hallway that supposedly contained an exit. "I'm sorry sorry sorry oh please I'm sorry Exit EXIT EXIT!"

She bursts through the door to the outside. She is constantly mumbling to herself. "There's too much hate, too much hate! Arrrgh, they're using attack magic, what kind of spells, can't tell, no time, so much anger! Faster, Oson, faster, oh no, please don't let me die today. I didn't mean to set them on fire, it was an accident, why did I pull out the flare gun, that wasn't Discord, what's wrong with me, oh no, that was a close shot, faster, Oson, faster..."

She rapidly approaches the entrance to the field. There are cheerleaders practicing, including a set of changelings. They immediately notice her. Being experts at gauging crowd emotions, they can easily detect her distress. As can, for that, most every other pony on the cheerleading crew.

Tears streaming down her face, Oson flies at them, screaming, "HELP ME! I'M SORRY! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" A bolt of some kind of magic sails past her, leading her to wail.

One of the changelings in the cheerleading squad looks to the others. "I think we should help her."

Another responds. "With our... special form?"

The initial one nods. "Yeah. Let's show them what the cheerleading squad is really capable of! Hey, you, get behind us, right now! We've got this!"

Five of the changelings step forward as Oson buzzes over them. With a shimmer of green magic, four of them adopt uniquely non-changeling colors - Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow - but all of them seem to have a strange armor-like coating around them. Their horns still glow, some kind of magic synchronizing between them.

The black changeling shouts out, "Prepare interlock! Thermoshunts, connect! Infracells up! Overcasting is go!"

They all shout out together, "GO CHEAR SQUAD!"

The yellow and blue changelings rush at the black changeling. "Form feet and legs!" They grasp onto the back legs of the black changeling.

The red and green changelings rush at the trio. "Form arms and body!" The forehoofs of the black changeling are summarily grasped.

"And I'll form the head!" A lightning-like flash engulfs the bodies of the changelings, and a blocky, armored chimeric being stands in their place.

A voice like five speaking at once yells at the ponies that had been pursuiing Oson. "We will defend those that can't defend themselves, in the name of peace and justice! Prepare to be defeated!"

The other cheerleaders, who had stopped their routine practices for the transformation, begin cheering on the changelings. This was arguable the most intersting thing they had seen in a long while, as the hoofball teams at their particular university was, while successful, also... rather dull. They had good fundamentals, but lacked the sort of zazz that had just been witnessed.

The ponies that had been chasing Oson halt in their tracks, stunned into silence. One regains their wits fast enough to state, "What the fuck?"

The Cheer Squad yells out, again in the slightly distorted five-as-one voice, "Shimmering Sword!" It rises on it's hind legs, presses it's forelegs together, and releases them, a blazing blade of light forming.

"Oh, hell no.", a pony yells out, before running away. The group scatters, the chimeric being chasing them around the field.

Oson, meanwhile, has stopped running. Her tear streaked face is now contorted in a geusture of extreme confusion. "What... how... dear me... this school is even stranger than we are..."

She looks down and shakes her head. "Oh dear mine. I really don't know how this can compare with everyone else's notes today."

She cautiously approaches one of the cheerleaders on the sidelines and asks, "Is this... normal?"

The senior cheerleader hops up and down, a large smile plastered on her face. "Ohhoho, no, they've been practicing that one for weeks! This is the first time they manifested the Shimmering Sword for more than a few seconds! Oh, my stars, it'll sting like the dickens if they can get a good swat in on those fellows."

"It, uh, looks, a bit... lethal?"

"It's just an energy blade. There isn't really much substance to it. It's about as painful as a flyswatter. Oh, I'm sorry, luv, didn't mean to offend 'ya. But yeah, unless they put a whole lot more into it, maybe if they really had to fight something, save the city and all that... I think it's just 'cause of you they tried this now, and can hold it together. How's it feel, being an inspiration? Oh, are you ok, luv?"

A sharp yip from across the field interrupts the conversation. The cheerleader continues. "Yup. Just like that."

Oson stares at the cheerleader, and then the chimeric figure. She switches between the two for a few seconds, and then looks directly at the cheerleader. "Yes, I think I'm fine. Thank you."

The cheerleader gives Oson a brief hug and a kiss on the head. "You take care now, luv."

Oson begins to walk off of the field in a direction well away from any being else. She's staring down in front of herself. "They will not believe this. Not in the least bit."

-----

Quantum Shift and Java Stout, meanwhile, are having a perfectly normal day. Quantum is pleased that she can rejoin the archery team in a few days after her casts come off, and does not notice anything amiss on the field while she discusses the matter with her coach. Java is enjoying a beer he has snuck onto campus in a secondary thermos while reading the daily paper in the library before an advanced chemistry course.

Tami is having a slightly abnormal day, but having already spent most of one in jail, is somewhat used to it. She is getting pointers on weight training from a fellow inmate, and intends to review some mathematics in the evening after a shower and the dinner.

Oson hides her notes of the day, putting together a false report to share with her friends, until they witness a performance by the pep-band featuring the cheerleading squad some week or so later. Consensus afterwards was that this was a reasonable course of action.

It was, accordingly, not the most atypical Tuesday they had experienced.

-----
Wednesday
-----

Quantum puts down the phone. "I just called the jail. It's the same as the school, everything is in lockdown. We can't pick up Tami today, but she's fine with staying till this all blows over."

Java shrugs. "Yeah, not much we can do about it."

Oson speaks. "Do you think we're still on for the meetings tomorrow?"

Quantum nods. "They should get this all wrapped up before dusk. Signal Jammer wrote the train they were on was leaving the Dodge Junction station at six pm today, so even if there's a delay on the line there's enough time before class to get here."

Java begins to pull some ingredients out of the cabinets. "Well, if we're stuck inside, I guess I'll make one of those tricky recipes today. Seems like I'm going to have a lot of time on my hoofs."

Oson moves to help. "I'm honestly kinda relieved. Yesterday was excrutiating."

Quantum moves to the living room. "I'm going to read some more of that autobiography, call me if you need any help."

Java nods. "Will do. How are you finding it?"

Quantum replies from the living room. "I've just gotten past one of the juicy parts. I'm glad I don't need a towel to read this thing anymore. I'm not surprised it's a self-published work, paper wouldn't normally hold nearly that much fluid."

Java shouts back. "I left some oven mitts out there for the steamy parts, you're gonna need 'em."

The two begin cutting ingredients. After a few minutes pass, Oson comments, "It's strange, don't you think?"

Java raises an eyebrow. "What's strange?"

Oson rolls her hoof in the general direction of the window, indicating the outside. "Well, that. I just think it's strange."

Java's face returns to a neutral expression. "Eh, it's not that strange."

"But in those Oubliettes & Ogres games, the horrors-hoofbook has Quezocotals as being good aligned. And there not being so many of them."

Java shrugs. "Eh. It's a fantasy game, you know? Creative liberties and all that."

"I guess so."

-----
Thursday
-----

Tami arrives back at their house. "Wow. You would not believe how much being in jail sucked."

Oson blinks at her. "We had to spend nearly a month in a tent village while the legal system was ground to a halt after the Five Second War. We had never seen stir-crazy in the hive before that. Thankfully, we had enough love to keep ourselves mostly sane. The entertainer's really helped with that - I think one of the current big comedy programs had their start there."

Tami blinks. "OK, you might know how much that sucked, but the others..."

Quantum Shift speaks up. "I was in a full body cast for five days until they got an X-Ray machine setup in the Crystal Empire hospital. Then another day in a partial cast before I could take the night-train home. My face has just recently healed enough that I can move it."

Tami lowers her head and rubs her eyes. "OK, so you two know how much that sucked..."

Java chuckles. "Oh, man. Are Lock and Key still working there? I loved those guys. They told me what I babbled in the drunk tank the following morning so many times, I'd banter back with them, the captain would come in and threaten to throw Key out, we'd all have a good chuckle."

"OK, OK, I get it. So all of you know how sucky what I just went through was."

Java nods. "Yup. That's why we went to the import-shop before getting you. For what's probably going to be one of your final snacks, we present..."

Oson sings out in the lower ranges of her specie's specialized high-pitched communication. "Dooot doo dooot!"

Quantum presents a bag with the logo on it from the Import-Shop. Tami picks it up and looks inside of it. Her beak falls open and spasms a few times. She looks up and smiles at her friends. "You... you got me bacon bits? Oh my god, you got me real bacon bits?"

Quantum nods her head at Java. "He's had a meal cooking overnight. We figured, well, it's probably our last day alive, so let's make it a good one. We're skipping all classes till ASK, and we're going to make this day as great as possible."

Tami rushes forward and pulls the other three into a hug. "I... I love you guys so much right now."

Oson sniffles. "I know. I can feel it, too."

Java smiles. "Hey, let's not focus on what's coming up. Let's just, you know, grab some food, play a round or two of Rocket Battles, and then..."

Quantum steps away from the hug. "Yeah. We still need to get to campus by three pm. And I'm hungry."

Tami clutches her bag of bacon bits and joins the crowd heading into the kitchen. "I'm digging this plan."

-----

Signal Jammer is at the front of the lecture hall. "OK, so, using the old equations, yes, it's clear we can contract space in a variety of respects, but I was using like, a water-heater full of tea to drive the chaos generator. That's, what is that?"

Discord raises his hand from the back of the room. "I do believe that would be seventy four gallons, or one thousand one hundred and eighty four teacups."

"Right. I just went all out. Not the best of results. I ran the numbers through these new equations, and it fits the pattern. The old equation fits for large values, but smaller steps, not so much... So, I'm pretty glad I've got a better model, cause... Well, I'm still un-contracting the badlands. I think this will let me do it a bit faster, with a provable safety factor, you know, that I won't cause another earthquake, so I'll be free of that royal geas pretty soon. Good job, you lot, by the way. I might have a few questions for you afterwards." Signal Jammer points at the quartet. They are visible sweating.

After Signal Jammer takes a few questions, the class lets out. It's one of the last of the day, so the room remains empty afterwards. Signal Jammer and Discord walk/float up to them. Four thermoses full of tea are whipped out of saddle bags, and a tray of sandwiches of the cucumbery variety are assembled from the collected baggage. Oson is the first to speak. "Please don't kill us."

Signal Jammer's head pulls back in shock. "Um, I, uh, need to talk with you. Killing you would be kinda counterproductive, don't you think? Heh, heh.

"Wait, you weren't talking to me. Damn it, Discord, were you threatening them?!"

Discord smiles. "I don't think I threatened them. Really, I think they're overreacting a smidge. Oh, are those cucumber sandwiches? And sniff Oooooolong tea? Oh my, you're all too kind."

Discord helps himself to some of the tea and sandwiches. Tami slips Quantum a few bits, her thermos of Earl Grey tea as yet untouched. Just because they are certain they may all die doesn't mean they can't engage in a bit of playful gambling.

Java speaks up. "Um, kinda? I mean, the whoopee cushion with, "You're next, love Discord" on it was... kinda menacing. And confusing. We're kinda worried you're gonna like, unmake us or banish us to another dimension or turn us into a glass of water so we'll get drunk...'

Discord pauses on uneating the crusts from around the sandwiches. "You... you honestly think I would do that?"

Oson nods. "We read your autobiography. It did not alleviate any of my fears. I set a few jocks on fire with a flare gun when I thought I saw you two days ago. I'm kinda totally am at my wits end here and may start screaming soon."

Discord tilts his head. "Oh, you poor thing. Here, let me give you a hug, you changelings like those, don't you?" He leans down to try to hug Oson. She begins to scream at an incredibly high frequency for half of a minute, before gasping twice and passing out. Everyone barring Discord had covered their ears; Discord had merely removed his.

"Welp, we're two minutes in and we already fucked up. Do we have a contingency plan for this? One that's not just inside her head? Anyone, anyone?" Tami looks between her friends, Signal Jammer, and Discord. Staring at him, she continues. "You're not going to kill us, are you?"

Discord raises his paw and talon. "Perish the thought! Snicker"

Quantum points a hoof at him. "That was a very noncommittal pun."

Signal Jammer interjects with a head shake. "Discord is actually very helpful. A treacherous bastard very good at writing contracts that make sure all the blame lies on me, but very helpful."

Tami lets out a sigh. If Signal Jammer can talk to Discord's face as such, then they are probably safe. "OK. Listen, tea is nice and all, but we've been freaking out since we got your letter. I could really use a drink right now."

Java perks up. "Screwdrivers?"

Tami looks between Signal Jammer and Discord. "If it's alright with you, can we have this chat over a pint at this nice hardware store a few blocks from here."

Signal Jammer nods. "I know Screwdrivers. I got my first radio set from there. I'm a Canterlot native, you know, I'm just kinda... tied to Dodge Junction till I fix the badlands. I only have a few days a year I can travel. You game, Discord?"

"I do think I may be. I can't wait to see what interesting things you lot will get up to with what I'm about to share with you. I've been watching you since you've opened that letter. So much spirit, so much energy, so much chaos, and you weren't even trying to invoke it this time. If I can cause this much disorder with a simple prop..."

Quantum's face falls flat. "You just did that to freak us out. The whole thing." Discord nods slowly, a smile on his face.

She sighs, and begins to pack her bags. "Yeah, I need a drink now too. This is just too insane."

The others follow suit, and Tami picks up Oson. "So, what was up with quetzalcoatls?"

Discord looks at her. "Oh, that wasn't me. Some ancient artifact or another was stolen or some such nonsense. Vindictive justice and so forth. Happens all the time, really."

Quantum grumbles and hands the bits she won from Tami earlier to Java.

-----

Discord is calmly sipping an A plus beverage, having added a few mixers from the solvents and paints isles. Java Stout is having difficulty dealing with the news he's just been provided with. Discord, with a smirk, asks of him, "So, Doctor Stout, what are your future plans?"

"I... I don't know. I... I guess I'll keep doing what I've been doing."

Tami slams back her drink. "I can't believe you didn't know you graduated four fucking years ago. A fucking P H D in chemical engineering. I know you're oblivious, but Lun's buns, man, that's unbelievable. How did they let you keep taking classes?"

Java rolls the drink between his hooves. "I don't know. I think as long as I kept paying them, they let me sign up for things. I kinda wondered why it got cheaper a while ago when everyone was complaining about tuition rates going up."

Oson sips a cup of tea from her thermos. She's still a bit unsettled from the earlier events and has elected for the calming chamomile she brought with her. "I'm actually really glad to know that. If you can graduate, then so can I! Also, you're coming with me to the library tomorrow. They let faculty check out books for four weeks instead of three!" She puts her hooves up to her face and squees.

Quantum Shift takes a drink. "He's not faculty, but I'd be interested to see what might happen. We can make use of this. A bloody chemeng degree? We can probably get access to the chemistry departments stocks. They've got liquid nitrogen down there. A liter of liquid nitrogen is less than a bit, dudes. Less. Than a bit." She taps the table for emphasis.

Java continues to roll the drink between his forehooves, the longest ever such a thing has existed in such a dangerous location. "I'm kinda having difficulty processing this, guys. Can we talk about something else? Like, um... The equations?"

Signal Jammer speaks up. "Discord and I have already had a delightful chat over the equations you lot have provided me with. I must admit I very pleased you had such detailed notes prepared on the subject. Really, I had hoped to have a pleasant evening with like minded folk while I was in town. I was intending to visit Ellen in the hospital before her surgery, but when your research came across I was able to petition for another day in Canterlot to, ahem, get to know you."

Twefy 'fi Oson's eyes flare open. She sits up, grasping the table. "You're meeting Twent Kiloth Ellen?! She's famous!"

Jammer's head tilts. "Of course. I'm responsible, after all, for why she's in there. She's my HAM-radio buddy. Has been since even before the Invasion. We still chat over the network, very regularly. I mean, I'm stuck in Dodge Junction fixing things, and she's embroiled in the whole, well..." Jammer looks at Oson. "I'm sure you know what."

Oson releases her grip on the table and shrinks back into her seat. "So... what do you know?"

Jammer nods. "Everything. I was there at the court, after all. Celestia was still pissed I caused all those earthquakes with the spatial contraction field shrinking the Badlands, also, once again, as always, screw you Discord, you should've mentioned that the weight of all that land shrinking to a smaller area would've had geological significance,"

Discord calmly adds a few nuts and bolts to his drink, which fizzle into nothingness. "It was all in the contract that..."

"That I signed, yes, damn it all. That was some exceptionally fine print. I digress... Luna was very interested in what Ellen had to say."

Oson's eye twitches. In a hushed whisper, she says, "You do know everything."

Signal Jammer gives a single nod. Discord drinks his concoction, and belches an iron-red cloud. Tami, Java, and Quantum are looking at each other. Tami, once again, breaks the silence. "Knows what? Is this some like, dark political intrigue kind of thing? We're already in enough trouble. I'm curious as all get out, don't get me wrong, but I really don't want to go to jail again."

Discord chuckles. "Oh, it's all in the public domain. But that doesn't mean it has been made easy to find. Would you like to see it? I'm ever so grateful for the results it had."

Oson mouths "No" at Discord. Quantum, however, does not notice. "Well, yeah, I'd like to see it. I don't even know what it is, but if it involves you two and Luna, then I'm pretty damn interested as well. Hey, Java, get us another round. It looks like it's story time."

Jammer smiles. "Well, if you're so keen on it..."

-----
The video c....
-----

Oson flips the table. "NO! THIS IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL. Not yet."

Java is still rolling his beer across his hooves. Everyone else's drinks are lost with the flippant behavior of Oson. Discord's drink is causing a mild degree of corrosion on the floor, before igniting the linoleum.

Quantum and Tami hold a shocked expression. Discord smirks. Jammer nods. "I know Ellen. But... You're right. There's still work to be done."

Oson looks at the others around herself, before moving to try to pick up the table and restore it to a degree of order. "I'm... I'm sorry. Let, um, let Ellen know we are all really grateful."

Jammer nods again. "I do think I'll share with her the results of your jet tests, though. They seem relevant."

Quantum waves her still plaster encased forehoof. "I can't say they were the most successful."

This gets a laugh out of Jammer. "Oh, wow. It was actually you that flew that? Well, I wouldn't worry. Compared to some of the things the Diamond..." The sentence cuts off as Oson grips the table once again. "Sigh. It seems you're a tad touchy on the subject."

Tami rubs her forehead with her claws. "For fuck's sake, Oson, we know the changelings were manipulating us into a space race. It was one of the biggest factors leading up to the griffon's economic collapse."

"And you don't hold that against me? Against us?"

Tami holds her head. "Oson, of course I do. Every griffon who found out about the manipulation is slightly pissed off. I've gotten over it, myself. For the most part. I really like you, Oson. You're great." She rubs Oson's head affectionately. "But man, you guys had a really warped idea of how to 'help' society."

Oson shakes her head. "We're... really sorry."

Signal Jammer frowns, then smiles. "Yup, just as Ellen said. "Everyone loves a race. And the only thing that could get us to the moon, would be love."

Signal Jammer laughs. "But that's not my story to tell. Hah, it'll probably be in a history book in the next century or so. You know... well, they're planning a new moon mission? Luna left behind some things, apparently..."

"It was her love of our moon program that revitalized our race..."

"Yeah. Anyway, I gotta head back. The train leaves in a few, and the Badlands ain't gonna fix themselves."

Discord smirks. "So, gentlemares and stallion, are you up for a pleasant night?"

------
Friday
------

Twefy fi' Oson is screaming in horror.

Tami Owlson is screaming in terror.

Quantum Shift is banging on Oson's door. "Shut the fuck up, it's six in the sunfucked morning!"

Oson rushes out of her room into the bathroom. Running water is heard through the door. Quantum pokes her head into Oson's room.

It's dark. Oson mentioned she's got very good night-vision. She flicks the light switch. Not much of a change in illumination - some sheets of paper glow with a faint blue fluorescence. Oson also mentioned changelings can detect UV light. Oson must've replaced her ceiling lights with ultraviolet lamps. She flips a second light switch, which is triggered to an electrical outlet with a lamp plugged into it. The room practically materializes before her.

Bookshelf. Drill press. Bookshelf. Work bench. Bookshelf. Bookshelf. Small wall full of bookshelves. Tool chest. Window. Filing cabinet. Bed.

Thought one: "She was able to get all this replaced on that insurance claim? Wow."

Thought two: "Why is Tami in her bed?"

Thought three: "How much... how much did we drink last night?"

Meanwhile, Tami has been staring at Quantum, bedsheets tightly pulled up against herself, merely her eyes poking out. They are filled with either/or terror or rage. "Go. Away. Now. Get away now. I will end you if you speak of this."

There is a blank expression on Quantum's face. "Yeah, sure. Do you want the lights on, or off?"

"Off."

As she leaves the room Quantum flicks the lights off. "I'm going to start breakfast. It's too early for me to give a shit..."

As she passes down the hallway, she looks out a window. "Damnit."

-----

Java Stout coughs from the water poured over his head. Quantum is not looking at him happily. She is, in fact, very not happy. "Hey, Java."

He coughs again. "Hey, cough, Quantum. What's cough up?"

Quantum points to Discord, who is sleeping with a lampshade over his head, on their couch. "I don't mind that we took Discord in overnight. It's a nice gesture. I don't mind that you left the GameStation on. Not a problem. I do mind, however..."

Java rubs his head. "Oh boy... We're not in jail, are we?"

"No, we're in our living room. But we're probably going to be in jail soon."

Java falls out of the chair he had fallen asleep in. "Dang, what did I do this time?"

Quantum sighs. "Come with me to the window, Java."

He follows her to the window. It's a beautiful morning. The city is just beginning to wake up, with the occasional scream of terror as the citizens look upwards. Following their terrified gaze, he too notices the discrepancy.

Quantum sternly states, "It's plaid, Java. The sky is plaid. I know you two were up the latest -"

"Yeah, I only got like, three hours of sleep..." He rubs his temple.

Quantum continues. "And this somehow relates to whatever caused the sky to turn plaid. Java, I know it's partially your fault. Get Discord up, get the sky normal, and don't do this again. I'm going to make breakfast."

Java screws up his face in confusion. "How the hell do I wake up Discord?"

Quantum throws up a hoof. "I don't know, and I don't care. Make him some coffee or something. Just de-plaid the sky."

She shakes her head as she walks into the kitchen. "It's still way too early for this shit..."

-----

Quantum Shift sets down the second set of mugs of coffee. "One quantum of solace ready to go down the hatch. Waffles up, in about a minute for the first batch. How do you want yours, Discord? Haha, I jest, I can't control this thing for crap. And it's a waffle. Not much you can do to one of them without, like, a fancy waffle iron."

She points a spatula at the table, where sits Discord and her roommates. She glares at Discord. "And fuck YOU if you dare fuck with my waffle iron! I don't know how but I will find a way. I. Will. Find. A Way."

Java raises an eyebrow. "Your a bit uptight this morning, Quantum. What's, um... what's up?"

"Java... I am trying really hard right now to remain civil. I have had to deal with, in the past hour, a plaid sky, an abomination in the refrigerator -"

Discord raises a paw. "That wasn't my fault, I'll have you know."

"I damn well know! Java, I am going to kick your butt to kingdom come if you ever leave green peppers in the back of the fridge for so long again!" Java shrinks below the table.

She touches her head with a hoof and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I've just had a really stressful morning... Especially after seeing..."

Oson mouths "Please don't."

Tami mouths "I will end you."

Quantum shakes her head. "I just... sweet Celestia... I can't believe I'm saying this. I just want to go to class."

Discord consumes a portion of a waffle, which, as they have yet to be served, was an impressive impossibility. "Perhaps I should then. You found them after a night of intercourse."

Quantum slams her good forehoof into her face. Oson's blush intensifies. Tami stands up from the table. Tami calmly pushes Quantum aside, removes the waffles from the iron, and proceeds to throw the iron at Discord. Comically, it clamps around his head. With a hiss, he removes it from his head. His face has left an impression in the iron. Quantum sighs and moves to wash the iron before the next batch of face-waffles.

Java has a confused look about himself. "Um... Wait, you guys weren't girlfriends this whole while? Cause you're like... Really close together, like, most of the time. I mean, in every Rocket Battle match you two teamed up in, dang. Quantum and I couldn't touch you."

Tami screeches at him. "Java! What the fuck?!"

Java shakes his hooves in front of him. "I don't mean anything bad about it! I just figured, you know, she gets so freaked out when you're not around and you calm down when she's there! And I was pretty surprised, you know, 'cause of so many issues with dating a housemate. I just figured you guys were making it work, you know? Please don't kill me." He promptly hides under the table.

Oson is at this point glowing red, her whole carapace shifted towards the color. Tami is scowling. She takes a deep breath, and sit's back down. Closing her eyes and rubbing a talon across them, she gets back up and leaves the table.

She returns with a talonful of colorful construction paper. She shower's Oson with them before sitting down again. "Every single one of the hug voucher's I got from you. I think I'm paid off now." With a wing, she pulls the little changeling's chair closer. "I'm going to need more of those."

Discord smirks. "I'm glad you didn't waffle over that decision."

Tami's wings contract in anger, pulling Oson closer. "I will... I will... I will kill you so hard right now..."

Oson, smiling, looks up at Tami, then levitates a few waffles onto their plates and tries to get up. "Come on, Tami. I think we can finish these over a few quick Rocket Battle games. And I've got a contingency plan for this."

Tami cocks her head. "For killing Discord?"

Discord frowns, pulling his head back slightly. "For, killing me?"

Oson nods. "Oh, yes. I have two containment and control plans, and another two eradication plans, plus another plan that might only accidentally eradicate him."

Tami looks at those gathered around the table. She looks left, then right, then at Oson. She plants a small kiss on Oson's head. "I'd love to look over those plans with you, Oson. Let's play some Rocket Battles."

Discord picks up a freshly baked face-waffle. "Well. I suspect I've overstayed my welcome. I'll just leave you with this, and be on my way. Delightful confectionary work Quantum Shift." He sets down a book on the table, gets up, and takes his leave. "I really would love to stay and chat longer, but I'm honestly somewhat slightly frightened. I'd normally try to destroy the papers, but..."

Quantum shifts her expression to a smirk... "Her contingency plans for dealing with you included making multiple copies of any relevant notes, including those devoted to your destruction."

Java peeks up from below the table and forks a bit of waffle. "Some of which are radioactive, some of which are hidden, and some of which are stored in the DERPA archives which have a responsibility to respond to their destruction with, um..."

Quantum places a face-waffle on her own platter and shuts off the griddle. "Overwhelming firepower?"

Java peeks up again to fork another bit of waffle. "Yeah. The reharmonized arrow in a chaos-field in an atmosphere test are apparently really interesting to those guys. I remember I checked the mail a few weeks ago, and we got a really big grant for further research."

Quantum faces-hoofs again. "For fuck's sake, Java, you need to tell us when you pick up the mail. I already applied for a student loan for the next semester."

Java peeks up again and grabs another forkful of waffle. "Well, you can probably pay it off right away. They're really liking the work we're doing."

Quantum sighs and drizzles some syrup on her waffles. Sarcastically, she waves her fork and says, "Well, grand. I sure do love me some paperwork."

Discord waves a paw as he leaves their apartment. "Right.... It's been a delight. I can't wait to see what you get up to in the future. Ta-ta!"

Quantum sighs again. "He's going to be monitoring us or something, isn't he?"

Her face-waffle speaks to her with it's syrupy tongue. "I certainly will be."

She stabs down with her fork into the face-waffle's eye. It cries out in pain. "Get me a chaos flux sensor, Java. And the geiger counter. I'm going to get a bowl of cereal. Seriously, this has been the worst fucking morning. I love waffles, and even those have been ruined for me. What else can go wrong today?"

Java peeks up to grab the remains of his waffle. "Well, we have an exam in Coding Theory today..."

A cry of anguish escapes Quantum's mouth.

-----

For submission to the four nerds who put up with me, love - Discord.

Author's Note:

One final entry.... Well, no, I suppose there may be an epilogue where in the book Discord drops off is explored... Yes, a few more experiments. What all would Discord elect to share with those who play with Chaos Magic?

This is probably the most flippant and offensive-language rich thing I will write that involves ponies...

I hoped this wasn't an unpleasant read. I'm either going to have a serious reconsideration about changelings after upcoming episodes, or will be able to continue as I've thought with stories. I'll either get back on "Shield Generator", or start "Crimson Cowboy" or "The Numerous Crimes of Dr. Clocks", or perhaps even the story of Twent Killoth Ellen, "Moonshot!".

Bugger me, there are too many ideas in this head of mine.

Oh, and the tea selection - Tami figured Earl Grey would be the prefered tea, and Quantum actually read the Autobiography of Discord's, so she knew Oolong would be prefered. Oson wanted a calming beverage despite her research. Java just went with a generic black tea.

Edit: Found a few typos. Nasty little beasties, them. Also was considering mentioning I do most of my writing in a fairly sleep deprived state (as if that justifies anything) and am doing this without an editor or, in the first draft, a spell-checker. I really just tried to throw ideas against a wall and paint over what didn't stick.

Wait. Hold on a second.... I've got magnets.... post-it notes.... way too much super glue.... and the back of the whiteboard is a sheet of steel.... I.... I'll be back later, I need to throw some ideas against a wall.

Comments

[totallynotabrony]

"What about Discord?"

Ahh, he said it!

Also, I request a spinoff about the megazord changeling cheer squad.

[CrimsonCowboy]

7720077

Ha, it was actually more inspired by this...

I don't know if I can do that, but I'll think about it... Till then, just imagine a changeling cheerleading squad fighting off quezacotls.

[Mythic Night]

You need to have a proofreader help you with this; what you have here is wonderful, I'm enjoying it a lot, but when I see things like "probable" when you mean "probably" just brings the thing downs bit...