DERPA

by CrimsonCowboy

Hey guys, I did something, check it out!

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

The scene unfolds. Java Stout is looking much cleaner, as is much of the cheap apartment he is in. Due to the radiation hazard he had engineered on the previous day, a very thorough cleaning of 'just about anything we can clean' had to occur. As it turned out, his mane is actually a rather attractive wavy cream colour. This was not indicated in any of the previous videos, where it was brown, or black. Or a mixture there-of.

Java was working on... Something. He turns to face the camera, in a fashion one could only call cheesy. "Well, hello there, Equestria. I'm sure you're wondering what I'm doing. Here, come a little closer." The sound of his telekinesis firing up and the golden field around the camera indicates he has gripped it with his magic.

"So.... I got bored yesterday, after all the cleanup and document signing and stuff. Cracken' stars, dudes. You would not believe just how angry the ARA is if you make a couple of things radioactive. I'm really glad insurance covered all her stuff, 'cause, like, Oson's a good bug. She.... Damn." He shakes his head, and then looks at his hooves, guilt evident in his stance. "She's a way better roommate than I am."

The cheesiness and pseudo-professionalism dropped from his voice by this point. His next comment was perkier. "So, anyway! I figured I could make a thing for her! It should work out pretty well. Uh. Maybe. Uh.... oh boy.... OK, gonna start this one later, kinda need a pencil right now..."

The video cuts out. The video reopens. Java Stout is still in the frame. There is now a small pile of paper on the table next to him. The faintest glimpses of sunlight are starting to peak in through the windows. Java Stout is now a bit more confidently standing up next to a medium-to-small item covered by a towel. A brand new tea kettle is steaming next to it. In later watchings of this video, it was noted that most people became sweaty and alarmed while witnessing this scene. This is because.... The cup next to the tea kettle indicates either: "A. I'm going to have a cup of tea." or "B. I need entropy for this chaos-field generator to work".

There were, at that time, very few laws regarding spatial contraction fields. Only the very particular one that one pony caused. That was the work of Signal Jammer, who was noted as the first trying to apply chaos magic to shrink the effective distance between two radio towers, and whom caused the law to rapidly be formed, stating "It is a crime to contract any space large enough to cause a geological event". The field of study of chaos-based spatial contraction fields was now wide open for bright and bold students to explore, with deplorably limited legislation.

This also implies that the field is wide open for the dim and cowardly to also explore, with minimal fear of legal reprise. The file folder this video is found in indicates, very strongly, that Java Stout has a history of utilizing chaos-fields for less than demonstrably ideal purposes.

"So. What I thought... We got this old, like, Pachino machine. Pachinko? Pakinko? Uh... Whatever. We found one in the basement when we moved in. It has like, ball bearings, that fall, and bounce off of levers and pins and paddle's and shit. Sorta like pinball, but lamer, really. Like, seriously. Getting all the letter's lit up for the Five-X score multiplier, and then the dragons open their mouths, and it lights up like it's on fire and stuff? So cool."

Java tapped the unveiled machine. "This thing? Not so cool. But, cool enough. And it's about to be even cooler."

Foreshadowing for certain listeners. Tami Owlson, a gryphoness, has excellent hearing. At this point in the video, her voice can be heard faintly coming from upstairs. The language used is mostly foul. Some was assuredly from the sailor component of the gryphon society, a dialect known as Fowl. Words like "Cup of coffee...", "where's the kettle?", "Not again..." filter through the background of steadily increasing gryphish curses. She is strongly, and correctly, thinking that something is up.

"What I'm gonna do, is use a small chaos-derived spatial contraction field, powered by this half-cup of tea, to shrink this pachineko machine down to pocket size. Cause unharmonized matter entering a field doesn't even care, it should be fine. It'll be like putting your hoof into a small bubble, that like, shrinks your hoof as you're crossing through it, or something. It makes your hooves tiny. While it's in the contracted space. But is totally ok! And, AND, let's you play pocket pashinko."

Java taps his muzzle a few times. "Huh.... It's still going to weigh as much as normal, even if it's smaller. OK! So, um, keep your saddle bags light when playing with this."

He was mumbling the next part of his speech while inexpertly taping the chaos generator to the Pachinko machine. He then cursed, when he realized he had not plugged in either the pachinko machine, the chaos-generator, or the tea kettle. The fundamentally wired nature of all of the items he was working with did not seem to affect his outset much - which was probably for the worst. Making this thing portable was not really a possibility, but the nature of reality did not deter Java's efforts. He swiftly plugged all three items into a nearby power strip, and called up the stairs. "HEY! OSON! I made something for you! Come downstairs, I'm in the basement!"

The three members of the household who were not already in the basement appeared suddenly. Oson still had a crust of film around her eyes. Quantum Shift had another fire extinguisher. Tami held her empty coffee mug in a threatening fashion. In tandem, they yelled, "What did you do THIS time?"

He already had the tea kettle hot. Lifting it up with his magic, he stated "Ladies, I present to you... Pocket Patchingo." He poured a half cup of tea into the chaos-field generator's reservoir. Nothing appeared to happen...

Oson noted something, despite her extreme nearsightedness. "It's not turned on."

"Oh. That's right. Lemme get that." Java's magic flicked the switch that energized the generator. The pachinko machine appeared to shrink inside the spatial contraction field. It did look like you could fit it into a pocket - perhaps not so with the chaos generator as well. Perhaps if they got a battery powered one, later.

Quantum stared at Java, then at the set up he had made. She set down the fire extinguisher. With a slowly softening frown, she congratulated Java. "Wow, Java. I'm honestly impressed."

"Yeah, I'm pretty awesome like that, sometimes."

Tami interjected. "Impressed he built something like that, or impressed you didn't need that fire extinguisher."

Java promptly frowned as Quantum nodded, "Both. I'm doubly-impressed."

Oson could read the emotions coming off of Java, and knew he was feeling a blow to his pride. "I think it's very nice, Java. You made this for me, right? That's so nice of you." She could feel that Java himself was feeling better from hearing her words. Better enough, in fact, that she felt it safe to ask the next question she had.

"Uh. So... How do... how do you play pachinko?"

If one looks closely at the tape, they may be able to catch a statically standing Java Stout's eyes nearly vibrating as they shift between the pachinko machine and Oson. He eventually gulps, and looks at Oson to say, "Huh. That's a good question. I've really never played pashrinko before."

Oson gave a small smile. "Oh. Well, I'm sure we'll figure it out sooner or later."

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
First demonstration of the the practical miniaturization of objects of interest with a chaos-derived spatial contraction field.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

First demonstration of the the practical miniaturization of objects of commercial interest with a chaos-derived spatial contraction field.
For submission to the Equestrian Postal System.

Comments

[Starlight Nova]

(looks title, then at character tags) So... Derpy isn't going to appear in this story?

[CrimsonCowboy]

7535759

Unless I can figure out a way to rope Ms. Derpy Hooves in... I'm afraid not. This is just a story of a few students, doing somethings that are potentially very dumb, and inside of a really silly universe I have somehow built in my mind and need to get it out of. I could probably even have made it without the ponies and griffins and changelings and such... But it's just so cute with them. And I need to get it outside of my head.

[Roxsy Variant]

Smells like an old idea of mine, The D.R.P.(Dark Rainbow Project).

[JFalk]

You know - if these guys didn't get a job with the Equestrian Government, they could get one with either Aperture Science or Veridian Dynamics...