DERPA

by CrimsonCowboy

I've wanted to try something like this for a while.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

Quantum Shift appears in a darkly lit setting. It is night outside, but inside, where time has lost it's meaning with the advent of electric lights, mares may find themselves at a poorly maintained pool table found in the basement, soldering things together. She has apparently had an idea and has elected to act upon it.

She yells upstairs with some perturbation to her voice. "HEY! Stop playing that freaking game and come DOWN here! I've started the camera!"

Cries of, "But I was winning....", and "There's no fucking way she would do that...", and "Those memchrys' are really expensive, I think she's serious, or drunk. Last of the Hive, if it's the former..."

As the group descended the stairwell of their house, they each got a chance to groan as they discovered that it was indeed the former.

"Gentlestallions and madams, I present for your consideration, a jet-prong." Quantum gestures with a forehoof at the strange device on the table. "A tiny pair of chaos splines outside of a reharmonization cone. Air comes in the base, is infused with harmonization magic, and upon egress at the cone's edge, enters the low density chaos field. It's immediately accelerated well away from the device, providing reactionary thrust as it pushes against the cone. It'd even work in a vacuum if you have a supply of compressed gas."

"And you took us away from a game of Rocket Battles for this? What the fuck, Quantum. Wait. No. No fucking way no. This scales. This fucking scales. If this works, you didn't make just a model jet engine here. You made..."

"A prototype for THIS!" With a flourish, she yanks a sheet off of a diagram. "The Rocket-n-Roll Suit!"

Java Stout held a slightly amazed open mouth. Tami Owlson held a slightly stunned open beak. Twifi 'fi Oson held a hoof towards her slightly canted head, rubbing it slowly against her jaw. She spoke first. "We're gonna have to run some tests. I suppose that's why you built this. I think we can make this work."

Tami looked at Oson with the cold look of shock she normally reserved for interactions with Java. "Oson, you can't possibly be serious."

Oson was still staring at the diagram, but she could see the look she was getting on the edge of her compound eyes. She nodded, "Oh, I'm very serious."

Java was almost vibrating with excitement. "Dudes, we can scale this up to the Rocket Pony! Do you know what this means?" He lept into the air, striking at nothing with a forehoof to punctuate his next statement. "HARDWARE STORE RUN!"

Tami turned to stare at him, slightly surprised she didn't have to change her expression. "Not you, too! For fuck's sake! I know why you're game to go!" She pointed an accusatory talon at him.

Java smirked. "I appreciate the hardware there, too. Besides, the only one open at this hour is..."

Tami threw her talons into the air in frustration. "SCREWDRIVERS, I KNOW! The bloody all night bar and hardware store! Damnit, Java, you are SO transparent!"

Pulling his head back in a faux impression of being hurt by the accusation, Java stated, "Hey, I think it's a legitimately cool idea. But Oson is right. We should test it. Quantum, wanna go out to the meadow tonight and fire it up? Screwdrivers won't close till two a.m. anyway."

Quantum was shoving her invention into a saddlebag. "Does the sun rise ninety eight days out of a hundred? I'm going to fill a thermos with fresh tea. Java, get the camera and some flashlights. I don't think they've repaired the field's lighting yet. Oson, grab my notes and the usual tools. Tami?"

Spent of emotions, Quantum turns to face Tami. "I want you to grab an aspirin or two for yourself. You're stressing out again."

As Java approaches the camera to turn it off, Tami is overheard wondering, "Is all this chaos research affecting our minds?"

Java chuckles. "Nah, dude, my sis was in college years ago. Students have always been crazy in one way or another."

-----

The scene unfolds upon the ruined field from the experiment the quartet had conducted a few days earlier. Flashlights illuminate Oson and Quantum standing in front of the device with an uncapped thermos of tea steaming nearby. Tami is holding a flashlight with one talon and her face with the other. Java's voice is heard shouting, "OK, I got the camera set up. I'm ready to track it!"

Quantum waves a hoof at the camera. "We're ready on this end. OK, you two, stand back. Tami, keep that flashlight on me. I don't want to spill any tea on the crystals."

Tami groaned and looked at Oson. "Don't you want to give a little speech?"

Oson looks quizzically at Tami, who points at the camera. "Oh! Oh, yes, that's important!" She gallops closer to the camera and adjusts her goggles. "Um, we're on a bit of a time crunch, so, short version. Microchaos generators, set up for one half teacup of spatial contraction, around the aerospike design nozzle. Should reach about half a klik to one klik above ground." She turns, and shouts to Quantum. Tami has steadily been walking backwards towards them, keeping the flashlight's beam on the experiment. "Hey, Quanti! Good to go?"

"Good to go! Pouring now..." Quantum carefully pours the contents of the thermos into the chaos generators reservoirs. "I'm going to flick the switch in on a three-count. The harmonizing runes will take a few seconds to energize, so here we go! Three! Two! One! GO!"

Quantum gallops back much faster, and a wicked smile is apparent on her face. Tami looks at her and asks, "Why are you so keen on this, anyway? You always struck me as more the jock type."

Quantum responds. "Comic books. My dad has..."

She is cut off as the experiment blasts into the sky with a roar and a jet of superheated air. The camera seems to slowly track it, but later analysis shows only a scant few seconds passes before...

There are a lot of words all mixed together. "Oh, fuck all kinds of ducks..." "No, no, oh shit, NO!" "Oh, wow! One of the chaos generators must've failed! It's spiraling!" "Oh sweet hives, it's... It's heading for the castle. IT'S HEADING FOR THE CASTLE! We need to get out of here, WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! WE NEED TO GO, RIGHT NOW!"

The camera is picked up in a green aura. It picks up a fair amount of running noises before an explosion is heard in the distance. As the camera is jostled, flames can be seen off of the side of Canterlot's castle.

-----

This recording has been connected to the incident where-in a tower of the castle received superficial damage from a previously unknown object. By Celestia's grace, the crime has been forgiven, and an apology was given to Luna for an accusation that a metallic impactor at such a velocity could only have been a meteorite.

-----

The camera footage that follows is tinged green and details the path between the field and the combination bar and hardware store near the campus of Canterlot University known as Screwdrivers. Most of the audio up to that point is assorted curses and the sound of hoofs and feet moving quickly. An order is placed for a number of very strong drinks and space at a workbench. The camera is set down looking across it down an isle of assorted lighting related hardware. There is a sale on novelty garden lights. Quantum and Oson's heads are firmly planted on the table. A conversation follows after the sound of glassware being set down.

Java Stout speaks. "Four Post-Exam Specials."

Tami replies. "What grade?"

"F minus."

She picks up a drink. "Sounds about right. You know you won't be able to use any of the power tools here after this? They installed breathalyzers on them after... well, you know."

Java Stout visible cringes. Oson shudders as she lifts her head and grabs one of the drinks. "So much blood..." Quantum's head remains planted on the table.

Tami sips her drink. "I can get why Quantum's so bummed, but what's up with you, Oson?"

Oson slams back a large portion of her drink before returning her head to the table. "Oh, I don't know, I'm just a member of the species that last attacked Canterlot with explosive, impactive forces. And anytime something falls from the sky, we all get nasty looks from the populace. I mean..." She lifts her head to take another drink. "We've even started emulating it. Like, nasty looks and all. I've even done it. I felt like crap afterwards, but I've done it. And now I'm depressed. Crap."

Without lifting her head, Quantum drapes an arm over Oson in a side hug. "Don't worry about it Oson... If the guard comes knockin', we got the memchrys'... It's all my fault. Stupid childhood fantasies..."

Java took a long drink. "You said something about comic books earlier. What's up with that, Quantum?"

Quantum raised her head off the table and looked at Java, then the drink before her. "What grade did you say this was?"

"F minus."

"When you have to drink to forget." She picked it up and downed the entire drink. She sighed, and spoke. "OK. Story time. My dad, he's a total nerd. He might even out-nerd you, Oson. I mean, he named me Quantum, for fuck's sake. When he was a foal, in the silver age of comic books, well, he amassed a pretty nice collection. Java, get me another F minus. I can't deal with all this right now."

Once Java returned with two drinks, one clearly intended for himself, Quantum continued. "So, eah, a lot of Batmare, but there was a lot of other stuff there, too. Doc Photon, Magnus Mecha Hunter, The Beige Arrow, and a number with heroines and heroes on alien worlds with..."

Java interjected. "Rocket packs."

Quantum finally lifted her head clear of the table and rested on the seatback. "Yeah. Rocket packs. I loved everything in those comics. That's why I got into engineering, why I picked up archery, and why I loved those Rocket Battle games so much. When we had the idea for the engine, I felt so much nostalgia. My hopes and dreams screamed at me, right then and there. I just had to try."

Oson looked at her. "And you rib on me for being a nerd."

Quantum looked back at Oson. "At least I don't get my jollies from accounting. At least I get out and run every day. At least I don't fixate on the dozens of comics still coming out, trying to find something in their gritty realism or whatever. I took what's the most awesome, the most amazing from those old comics and tried to model myself after them. I'd say I'm doing pretty ok."

She took another drink and looked around the table. "I've lived with you guys for over a year now and I still don't know what motivates you." The other three looked at each other and shrugged.

"Mechanical aptitude and parents doing well enough after the economic collapse to send me here. Hopes and dreams of all of griffon-kind BS, ya'know? And deep down, I guess I kinda buy it."

"We're innately helpful, when we're not insane. I'm good with numbers, and this was a suggested fit back at the hive. And I liked it."

"I honestly can't remember. I think it was on a whim after a few drinks trying to build something, and winding up in jail overnight cause I did something when I was frustrated that I didn't know how to build what I wanted to. Can't remember what it was, they confiscated the napkins. That's why I carry a notepad everywhere these days."

Quantum chuckled. "So wanting to be like Batmare or the Beige Arrow or Rocketmane isn't so odd, I guess."

Java pointed his drink at her. "Not really. I mean, that Crimson Cowboy guy, he got fed up with grad school for a while and became a bounty hunter down in Dodge Junction."

Oson added, "And Dr. Clocks, everything he got up to. We only know what he admitted to at the Day Court because of that tower incident, and wowee."

Tami smirked. "Ponies seem drawn to either dullness or the extremes. Quantum, y'er probably fucking crazy, but that's normal enough here, it seems."

Quantum smiled. "Yeah, weapons-grade crazy, it seems. Damnit, I really wanted this to work. I really wanted to fly."

Oson pulled the plans from her saddlebags. "Well, I don't really see why you can't. I was thinking about it. I think the paired chaos generators malfunctioned cause they were too similar. Maybe an asynchronous set of drivers would work better... Here, I think if the field is generated at different strengths at different places, we could avoid that problem." She looks up, mouthing calculations before writing down her new design. "With a few good bearings and some motors, it could be balanced, controllable, we'd need a few small circuit boards... It'd probably work. I'd like a bench test first, of course. We can still get all the parts tonight."

Java placed his empty glass on the table with a soft clink. "I'm game. Wandering the isles here drunk is one of my favorite past-times."

Tami scowled, downed the last of her drink, and replicated the motion. "Sure, what the fuck. It means a lot for you to fly, I guess, and I'm sure as fuck not going to give you a lift. It seems to mean a lot to you, too. Let's give it a shot."

Java perked up. "Shots sound like a great idea!"

Tami threw up her arms. "Fuck it! Fine! Let's do shots. Just remember to grab the camera."

Oson moves to grab the camera and squeaks. "It... It's been on the whole time."

Three sets of hooves and talons reach for it. Tami yells, "For fuck's sake, again?!"

-----

The camera cuts out for a number of hours. It reopens upon the scene of the basement workshop. Quantum Shift is face down on a workbench, snoring. She has left the soldering iron on. A hoof, of Java Stout, reaches out to switch it off. He begins to speak in a very fake Trottingham accent.

"Here we see the elusive Quantum Shift in her native habitat. Normally an industrious species, the Quantum Shift can often be found working themselves to exhaustion. Let's see just how exhausted this one is. We have at our disposal... Hmmm... Ah, that'll do. We have at our disposal a set of screwdrivers. Let's test this little Quantum Shift, shall we?"

The camera is set down with Quantum in full view. Java enters the frame, and uses his magic to begin setting screwdrivers on her head. The handles are arranged to lay over each other's shaft. It reaches about twenty centimeters before Java speaks again. "Huh. No more screwdrivers down here. How many wrenches we got?" A sound of a tool chest being slid open precedes the comment, "Wow. Why do we have so many wrenches? That's at least... yeah, five monkey wrenches alone. Dang, man. Well, up they go!"

The stack of hardware balanced atop Quantum's head grows taller with the addition of the wrenches. She continues to sleep, snoring occasionally. Java appears slightly nervous, seeming to realize he's running out of tools to stack. He walks upstairs, and returns with a large stack of books. He then begins to arrange them in an inverted pyramid on top of the wrenches and screwdrivers. He returns upstairs two more times to replenish his supply of books. As he places the last one, he sighs. "Man, she's really out of it. I better get the others."

-----
The camera is turned off, before being turned on again.

The shot reopens with Oson fluttering down on top of the pile of books and various tools stacked on top of Quantum Shift. "Wow. She is really out of it. I mean, if Tami landed up here, maybe she'd wake up. I'm like, only thirty kilos."

Tami shouts, "Oi! You calling me fat?!"

Oson shakes her head. "No, no. I'm just, you know, a changeling. We're like..." She waves a hoof from atop her stack of books, wrenches, screwdrivers, and Quantum's head. "We're really quite lite weight. I mean, well, look at me. These holes aren't just for looks." She places her holely hoof in front of her right eye and looks at Tami, Java, and the camera.

"It makes the changeling magics easier, y'know, if you don't have to shift much mass around."

Java nods understandingly. "Right, that makes sense. Tami, can you get up there?"

Tami gives Java a foul look. "Java, I weigh over a hundred and twenty kilos. No. I mean, yeah, I can get up there, but I won't. That's a bad idea."

Oson grips a few of the books in her magic as she flutters down. "I think we should wake her up."

Java nods. "Yeah, that's probably a lot more responsible than what I'm thinking." He grips a few more of the objects on Quantum's head with his magic, and the two make short work of removing the piled objects from her head.

As Oson replaces the tools in their proper locations, Tami waves a cup of instant coffee under Quantum's muzzle. Quantum sniffs it, and with a distinctly blob-like motion slides over to it, placing her muzzle into it and making disturbing sucking noises. Tami recoils in horror. "Celestia's fiery ass, that's creepy."

Oson looks at Java. "How many days has she been down here?"

"It's Tuesday, right?"

"No, it's Wednesday."

"Oh. Well, four days, then. Aaand that explains why I thought class must've been cancelled today. I'm gonna need to get some copies of notes from you guys."

Oson looks at her forehooves. "She's been down here a while. We aren't really good roommates, are we?"

Java shrugs. "Eh. We could be worse. If it means anything, I think you guys are all pretty cool."

Tami pulls the now empty mug of coffee off of Quantum's snout. She looks into the mug and recoils in horror. "I... This was the mug with the stains in it. It's... It's clean. She sucked the coffee stains off of the walls of the mug."

Quantum begins to move. Her eyes are bloodshot, and her motions are uncoordinated. The three others press themselves against a wall and begin breathing very frightenedly and very quietly. Quantum notices the camera is on. She speaks at it.

"Ooooh hey..... The asynchy splines gave me some trouble, but I got them all in. Yawn And I think the chaos generators are all gonna be fine. I made the... things... to Oson's specificities. She's so good at that. Where is she? I need 'ta give her a huggy. Huggy buggy. Oson? OSON? Ya' down here? Eh. So, the whole thing should be good 'ta go tomorrow morning. I'mma gonna fly... yawn tomorrow morning. I... could use.... a... yawn... nap." Her head slaps into the table rather awkwardly. A dainty snore follows soon after.

Oson, and the others, stare at Quantum. She states, "I've never been more frightened in my life."

Java looks at Oson. "She seemed pretty good to me."

Oson glares as best she can with compound eyes. "That was a Tami cup of coffee! She doesn't have your freaky barista skills! I nearly died when I drank half of one of them!"

Tami frowned. "It ain't that bad. And you bugs are like, way more sensitive to caffeine then we are."

"By an order of magnitude, yes. But that's still enough to put a pony into... um... whatever the opposite of a coma is!" She angrily prods Tami with a hoof. "You griffons have... really weird digestion!"

Tami raises an eyebrow. "Says the emotivore."

Java has meanwhile been placing a blanket over Quantum, and is moving to collect the camera. "Hey, dudes, let's take this upstairs. I think Quantum's been awake for the last four days. Wait. Huh. We should probably get her in a bed, shouldn't we?"

Oson bit her lower jaw. "Um... Neither of our magics is very strong, and Tami's kinda... not very strong either."

Tami gave a single nod. "Not gonna disagree there. I didn't take golf as my PE cause I thought the diamond dogs have a rich and vibrant cultural heritage."

Java pursed his lips. "Dang. Um. She's kinda... bulky... Um... Team effort?"

Tami and Oson spoke as one. "Team effort."

Tami followed that up with, "Just remember to shut off the fuckin' camera first this time."

"Oh, damn, right."

Java's magic envelopes the camera before it cuts out.

-----

"Hi, uh. Running the Rocket'n'Roll suit's engine test now. Um. Notes are included with the video. Oson is way better with this. Eh, fuckit, power up is in a few seconds."

The camera falls over as a deep bass rumbling fills the audio channels of the recording. This is shortly followed by a series of "Fuck fuck fuck!"'s, smoke detector alarms going off, and cries from upstairs along the lines of "Oh, what now?" and less savory phrases.

As the automatic brightness control returns the scene into view, a Quantum Shift is visible, her mane blown backwards in a style not unlike those popular with punk rockers.

"Hey! It works, guys!"

-----

The scene opens. Quantum Shift is wearing a variety of safety equipment and the device, which is a single large cone surrounded by four smaller cones that appear as if they could rotate about on a track. It is mounted to her back, and she is standing on her hindlegs. The point of the cone faces behind her.

She turns her head and asks, "All systems ready?"

Tami speaks over the radio they have set up. "It's as ready as it's gonna be."

Quantum lowers a pair of goggles from atop her helmet. "Any of you think this is a good idea yet?"

Three voices speak as one. "No."

Quantum nods once. "Good. We're all on the same page then. I'm going to start the bootup phases, and hopefully won't need but greatly appreciate Tami waiting for a potential catch-me-before-I-die incident in Cloudesdale. This, this, is going to be awesome."

Java and Oson walk back, past the camera. They converse in hushed voices.

Oson speaks. "I think we should have ran more tests."

Java speaks. "She's like... Crazy committed to this. I don't think there's anything we could've said."

Oson responds. "We could still stop her."

Quantum yells. "Asynchronous chaos splines engaged, harmony flux nominal, full power in three..."

Java solemnly responds, "Nope."

"Two, One, YEEEEEEEHAAAAAaaaaaa......"

The camera watches as Quantum Shift disappears into the sky on a wave of superheated air. A full minute passes before the radio crackles with the voice of one peeved griffoness. "Hey, was there some kinda fuckup? Did she launch yet? I can't see anything coming over here."

Java's eyes shoot wide open. Oson turns to stare at the radio. She cautiously approaches it, and with a trembling hoof presses the transmit button. "Um... Tami... We... Uh... Just come back quickly. We need to work on our alibis..."

-----

The scene unfolds again at the kitchen table of the house of the aforementioned. One Quantum Shift is present, smiling not unlike a madmare, profusely bandaged and casted.

Java Stout shouts, "Camera's on, let's get some evidence up in this!"

Oson is sitting next to Quantum, and is looking over her bandages and cast-clad forehoof. "So, um... What happened?"

Quantum turns her body, her neck brace preventing it's rotation. "You know how chaos magic is unpredictable? The chaos splines over reacted. Guess where I landed. Go on. Just fucking guess."

Java suggests ontop of the Canterholm. Quantum shakes her head no.

Tami suggests Griffonstone. Quantum shakes her head no.

Oson suggests the Crystal Empire. Quantum nods yes.

"The Crystal Fucking Empire. I had a parachute, but that thing put me so far into the upper atmosphere I blacked out from lack of oxygen. I couldn't pull it open. If I didn't plow through all that snow on impact, I'd probably be dead. Instead, I just broke my right hoof, cracked a bunch of ribs, and almost but not quite broke my spine."

Java raises a hoof. "At least you can still smile about it."
-
Quantum shifts her body to stare at him. "I can't move my face. Between the wind and the shock, it's stuck this way. It should wear off before the bones heal."

Tami shakes her head. "This was such a fucking stupid idea..."

Quantum looks at Tami. "Yes. Yes it was. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Ow. OK, after the bones knit, a heartbeat. This smile, stuck on my face? I've been wearing it since the start."

-----
The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
First demonstration of the propulsive effects of reharmonizd air inside of a chaos-derived spatial contraction field.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

Evidence as demanded regarding the recent castle impactor event.
For submission to the Day Court, cc Night Court.

Evidence as demanded regarding the recent insurance claims by Quantum Shift.
For submission to the Bureaucratic Employee Insurance Company.

Author's Note:

I've had this idea for a picture for a while, of someone wearing a backpack not unlike this. A large cone, with a quartet of smaller cones rotating about it, the whole thing propelling the user forward at an absurd velocity. I kinda wanted to do this more justice, but I've also grown into the opinion that trying to make something perfect means you never end up publishing anything.

Also, the aerospike is a really cool rocket nozzle design.

Comments

[Stainless Steel Fox]

Yes. Aerospike for the win!

[DiscoPanda84]

You mean one of their flight suit tests didn't involve crashing a stolen statue into something with the suit?? What sort of rocket suit development is this?!?

[Nikita]

Guys. I think I just found Quantum's theme song: