DERPA

by CrimsonCowboy

I think that might actually work, lemme try something.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

The scene readily unfolds to the three of the four around a table in what looks like a poorly maintained apartment, somewhere within walking distance of Canterlot University. The participants are drinking. All evidence suggests they have been engaged in this activity for quite some time, and are at that most dangerous point of drunkenness where one can still preform calculus, but probably should not be. As they were all in this state, there was no one to tell them how awful the idea they had was.

Firstly, one should never drink and derive.

Secondly, if you are drinking and deriving, making a video tape of the event may help you remember what happened, but will probable not help you in court.

Thirdly, it was probable a very bad idea to start with.

The gryphoness is cursing in her native tongue, as Java Stout reenters the frame. "I'm pretty fuck-off sure that won't work. We.... uh.... We need to compensate for what... fuck... this circuit is doing." She pointed a talon at a diagram that had been hastily scribed onto some grid paper.

Java Stout chuckles. The gryphoness does not take this kindly. "What the hell, Java? Wait, you're actually recording this shit? Gods above and below, for fuck's sake..."

Java Stout shrugged, and responded in his ever-so-mellow voice. "Yeah, well, we got the camera for another week, so why not?"

Quantum Shift narrowed her eyes at Java, then looked directly at the camera. "OK, it's not the worst idea you've had. This one, though..." She tapped the graph paper. "I'm not so certain of."

Oson's head was firmly planted on the table. She hiccuped once, then again, and finally began speaking. "We can do it with hic the stuff in the basement and some of the hic some of the tools I got up in my room."

Tami reached her arm across the table to pick up Oson's head. She looked into the changeling's eyes, noted she was probable getting a lot of but not all of their attention, and once again silently bemoaned how compound eyes work. "Sigh. Oson, why do you have a drill press in your room?"

Her head restrained by the gryphoness, she elected to just hiccup and explain herself. "I need to drill stuff, occasionally. It happens. I don't hic get why you guys don't have one."

Quantum Shift was pouring herself another glass of room temperature wine. She chimed in at that point. "I'd just end up borrowing yours if I needed it."

Oson nodded as much as she could with Tami holding her head. "Yeah, that works, I guess. Wait, haven't we had this conversation?"

Quantum shook her head. "Not quite. You told us we can use your tools, but we need to sign them out and pick up, what did you call 'em? 'Hug Vouchers'? You're such a weirdo, Oson."

Oson shook her head right out of Tami's talons. "It's not weird. It's like, the most common way for changelings to get love these days."

Tami interjected. "No, it's not. Maybe for you nerd-lings. But I'm pretty sure you're the exception, not the rule."

Oson frowned, and slammed back her drink before entering a tirade. "You know what, I'm calling in those vouchers from you three right now. I demand a hug from Quantum," Oson pointed at the earth pony, "Tami", pointing now at the gryphoness, "and Java...." She tried to point at the perpetually drunk unicorn, but failed. "Wait, where's Java?"

All three stared at each other for a moment, the gaze shifting between those present and the space for the one who wasn't present. This continued for nearly a minute, before Quantum Shift eyed where the fire extinguisher was mounted on the kitchen's wall. In her slightly drunk state, she was visible mouthing the operating instructions for the fire extinguisher, and even playing out how to use it with her hooves.

Tami began to scan the kitchen. Her eyesight was a bit sub-par for most gryphons, but she still saw better than anyone else here but for Quantum Shift. Oson was staring at the papers on the table, Quantum was miming using the fire extinguisher, and here she was, trying to figure out was missing in the kitchen beyond a lone idiot unicorn. A quick glance at the notepaper led her to stare at two spots which should have held common kitchen equipment.

"Guys. Where the fuck is the tea kettle, and where the fuck is the microwave oven?"

A piercing whine filled the house they shared, clearly coming from upstairs. Oson's mouth hung open, quietly mouthing "My drill press..."

The kitchen geiger counter - a fairly odd piece of equipment to have in most kitchens but not theirs - began clicking. All three turned their heads towards it. Tami was the first to speak. "Fuck."

Quantum was the first to dash upstairs, fire extinguisher acquired and in hoof. Oson grabbed the geiger counter in her magic and followed with all due haste. Tami looked directly at the camera, and said to herself, "Once the guard gets involved, and they probably will, we're gonna need this.... Damn it all, damn it...." She grabbed the camera and it's connected tripod mount, and the scene shakily follows her travel upstairs.

The scene unfolds. Java Stout is in Twefy 'fi Oson's room. The microwave oven has a number of holes in it. The tea kettle, a nice electric model, is brewing. A chaos field generator has been plugged into it. Later assessments would reveal the chaos field strength was around seven teacups, one cup over the tea kettle's maximum suggested limit.

There were certainly going to be words later about that.

Right now, though... Quantum was aiming the fire extinguisher at Java Stout. Oson was holding the geiger counter near what he had done with the microwave oven and her drill press. And a fair lot of her other tools. If a tube of radiosensitive electronics was threatening, she was certainly trying to make use of it.

It wasn't terrible effective. In no small part because Java was already drunk. And of course, so were Quantum, Tami, and Oson. And a geiger counter hasn't ever served as a weapon, except for a few legal battles.

Java Stout, in his ever patient and mellow voice, stated ever so calmly, "Oh, hey. I, uh, I guess I built that thing we were talking about. Sorry for using your drill press."

Tami spoke first. "You can't be fucking serious."

Java tapped the microwave oven. "Um, nope, I'm pretty serious. And that's a geiger counter, right?" Oson nodded, a sad frown gracing her black carapace. Java continued, "Yeah. So it's working. That's pretty cool."

Quantum spoke after that outburst. "You have to be kidding me. You built the thing we were drunkenly talking about, in the span of the five scant minutes we weren't paying attention to you."

Java nodded, his bangs bobbing in front of his eyes. "Yeah.

"I built a fusion reactor out of the microwave and tea kettle in about five minutes."

Oson, ever the nerd-ling, continued. "The chaos flux, it let the light hit the target stuff way faster than it should normally... and you're using the microwaves the microwave oven produces to, through chaos flux, to accelerate them to... Oh, Tatarun chimes, X-rays? Gamma? Oh, crap, we shouldn't be in here."

Java, ever the idiot-genius, nodded affirmative. "Yeah, the fusion reaction can occur pretty easily if you twist the spatial contraction field just so. And it fits in a microwave! It's great!"

Tami slammed her clawed hand into her forehead, before dragging Tami and Quantum out of the room. She proceed to head back in and drag out Java Stout, after kicking out the power cord powering the chaos generator and the microwave. She then slapped him very hard. "Java, you fucking idiot. One, there's a neutron flux here. You just made Oson's room a fucking nuclear disaster area. You are officially a jackass now. Two, you didn't even have a way to remove the heat. So, you not only made our fucking microwave a radiation hazard, but you also burned it."

Java shook his head. "Nah, I didn't burn it."

Tami opened the door to Oson's room again. She gripped Java's head in one claw, and pointed his eyes in the directions she want'd him to observe.

"The desk is scorched. The microwave was white to start with, it's blackened. You can see the bloody heat coming off it. You're a fucking twit, Java Stout." She slammed the door shut, and threw Java in the opposite direction down the cramped apartment hallway. She then picked him up and dragged him downstairs.

Oson was crying. She knew the implications of what just happened. Her room, all her stuff, all of her tools, they were now all radioactive. It was interesting that the fusion reaction was possible, but that didn't serve as enough of a distraction to the knowledge that all of her stuff now had to buried for a few hundred years. Including her drill press.

Quantum shifted her forehoof around Oson, wrapping her into a hug. "Does this fulfill our obligations?"

Oson sniffled. "Only the first one. Thank you, Quantum."

Quantum Shift nodded. "I'll be good for that debt. And I think Tami will get things sorted out."

A gryphoness could be heard yelling in the background, with a male pony crying. "You built a fusion reactor, in the five minutes we weren't paying attention to you! You fucking idiot! What the fuck were you even thinking?"

Java Stout was crying. "I-ah-ah don't-ah-ah knooooow....."

"We're gonna lose our fucking deposit because of you, asshole!"

The video cuts out. Title credits roll.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.
The first demonstration of a compact chaos based spatial contraction field assisted fusion reaction.

For submission to the Atomic Regulatory Association.
Request for atomic hazard cleanup.

For submission to the Canterlot Rental Insurance Association..
Request for reimbursement of insured power tools and various books.

Author's Note:

OK, this is actually kinda fun. We might get a few more items from me.

Comments

[DiscoPanda84]

Ooh, drill press, I like that idea... Though I'm not sure where I'd put one... Maybe if I put some shelving in the one semi-open corner left (between my drafting table (with Vemco V-Track) and a wall one direction and between the desk holding my 58" HDTV (that I mostly use as a computer monitor) and the wall in the other direction)... Perhaps that would clear off the dresser... Though by that point I might as well put in a mini-mill, much more versatile. (Then again, if I had a Bridgeport mill, and enough room for one, and a way to power it (these rooms don't come with 3-phase as far as I know), and a way to get it up to the 4th floor... Yeah, I'd probably try to find a way to wedge that in someplace too. And maybe install a ProtoTRAK EMX or SMX retrofit kit on it, too... )

[CrimsonCowboy]

7521971
You sir, an interesting character. I'm afraid that I'd be more like Quantum here, going over to a friend who owns a drill press. I've got at least two places I can get access to them. Though I do own a power drill, and a power drywall screwdriver... So if I'm in need of a drill press, I'm probably working on something a lot more precise than normal, and hopefully had wits about me enough to ask for help.

A CNC Mill would be rather nice, though. Hmm.

[DiscoPanda84]

7525216
Oh! I've seen some kits out there to convert a Harbor Freight mini mill into a CNC model... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bE8H03_XoKE http://makezine.com/projects/cnc-mini-mill-conversion-kit-hardware/ (Though I'd probably get some of those handwheels where the handle can be folded in for CNC mode so that I could still run it manually though, rather than removing the handwheels entirely like most of the CNC conversions do.)

Though to be fair, a vertical mill can do basically anything a drill press can (and usually more accurately as well), but trying to add X/Y axes to a drill press is a bad idea because the bearings in those aren't meant to be side loaded and will fail pretty badly. (A mill can also manage a decent number of lathe tasks if you get creative about it.)