DERPA

by CrimsonCowboy

Where in something does not happen.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

-----

Tami and Oson are at a kitchen table. It is covered in note paper, sticky notes, graphing calculators, and more writing utensils than are probably necessary or healthy.

Tami tosses a calculator onto the table. "Well, it doesn't follow that model. Fuckin' A." She leans back in her chair and looks out the window. "That's a sunrise, isn't it?"

Oson nods absentmindedly while entering numbers into her calculator. "M'mmhmm."

Tami picks up a pen and begins spinning it across her talons. "There just isn't enough data here. We've been at this all night."

Oson continues to nod absentmindedly. "M'mmhmm."

Tami looks at Oson. "You, uh, you OK there, Oson?"

With a slight nod, Oson continues to tap her calculator. "M'mmhmm."

Java Stout wanders into the kitchen. He has a bowl of cereal and a beer held in his telekinesis. "Woah, dudes, you guys still at it?"

Oson nods again. "M'mmhmm."

Tami looks at Java, and contemplates his choice of breakfast materials. She frowns as Java begins to pour the beer onto the cereal. "That's... kinda gross. And it explains a lot."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java shrugs and begins to eat his breakfast meal. "Eh. So, you two have been up at this all night?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Tami closes her eyes and also nods. "Yeah, this is a real bitch of a problem... I mean, we all know the chaos flux numbers aren't right. Fuck, I'd bet Discord himself gave Signal Jammer a fucked up model that was 'close enough' for that first test. Cheeky bastard... What little data we've got just doesn't match any of the models!"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java chews some of his disgusting breakfast. "Well, make a better model."

Tami throws her talons into the air, launching the pen into the ceiling. It sticks in the tiling. There are, on further examinations of the video, a larger number of writing utensils in the room than initially apparent, most of which are embedded in the ceiling. "What the fuck do you think we've been fucking trying to do all fucking night?!"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java recoils at the outburst. "Woah, dude. We need to dial it back a bit. You need to chill. Get some rest."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java points his spoon at Oson. "And you need to rest, too. You're kinda creeping me out here, Oson."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java nods before slurping down the last of his breakfast. "Anyway, it's clear you just need more data. I dunno, we can design some, like, safe tests. 'Cause, well, you know. Like, half of the things we've tried resulted in property damage."

Oson shakes her head. "Eighty percent."

Both of the others stare at Oson. Tami speaks. "You're still aware?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java frowns. "And it's really that bad?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java places his bowl in the sink to rinse it out. "Welp, I'm thoroughly embarrassed now. Slightly more creeped out, too. All y'all need to get some sleep. I'm going to take a nap after I bring Quantum some juice. Her face is still stuck like... that."

As he grips a juice box in his telekinesis and wanders away, he absentmindedly ponders, "Maybe you were right, Tami. Maybe all this chaos work is affecting our minds. Eh. Could be worse."

Tami stares at the ceiling. "Safe tests... He's got a point, Oson. We need more data. But I'm freaking tired. We should get some sleep."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Tami rolls her head to the side and stares at the changeling. "How are you even awake still? I've been chugging coffee, but you didn't touch any of it."

Oson nods. "I've been using magic to put parts of my brain to sleep in a rotating pattern. It's a trick we developed for long duration scouting missions based on the hyperplasticity of our minds, but every researcher abuses it. It's kinda painful to think in any non-directed fashion right now."

Tami raises an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

"So... if I were to ask you if you prefer green or black tea with scones or cookies after getting a newspaper or a paperback from the library or the bookstore in the north or south part of town at three or four o'clock...?"

Oson makes a hurking noise as her right eye spasms violently. Her face plants itself firmly on the calculator she was working on. She begins to snore.

Tami's eyebrows switch elevations. "M'mmhmm. Well, that was interesting." She pushes herself away from the table before standing up and stretching. "Yup. Bedtime. C'mon, Oson, I'll toss you in. We can come up with a plan and hit up the hardware store in a couple of hours."

She moves to pick up Oson under one arm, and leaves the scene. She notes, with a curse directed towards Java, that the camera was on.

-----

The scene reopens later that day, outside.

"I will throw you, you speciest fuck, into that wall. I will. Just say that again." Tami, holding an overly dressed unicorn in her talons, turns to face the camera, that is in fact now recording. "You're getting this, right?"

Java's mellow voice sounds out. "Oh, yeah. We're getting this."

The held unicorn speaks as best she can betwixt Tami's talons. "I don't care! Those changelings are ruining Canterlot, and you griffon brutes aren't any better!" The held unicorn proceeds to spit on Tami.

"OK. I've only taken one course in civil engineering, but I'm pretty sure stone is harder than bone. But let's find out!"

A combination of a green changeling magic field, a brown unicorn's magic, and the uncasted left forehoof of Quantum Shift prevent the pictured unicorn from being punched through a wall. Tami screams, and tosses the unicorn aside. "I've had it up to here with this fucking bullshit! For fuck's sake, do you fuck heads even know the meaning of a peace treaty?!" She stomps up to the unicorn. "Do you? DO YOU?! We've got one with you fuckers, and you're barely able to recognize it! For fucks sake, what if you have to deal with some other species, or, fuck it all, some fucker who didn't grow up stuck up the same ass you were!"

Tami is inches away from the now terrified unicorn. "I swear, I fucking swear, the next one of you assholes who bitch about changelings is going to make me regret not taking shot put for PE. Because I will throw your ass. And probably, badly. Now fuck off."

The unicorn runs off. Java Stout speaks up. "Wow. Um. That was a slight bit... unusual?"

Quantum follows up. "Yeah, likewise. You don't normally go for death threats this early in the afternoon."

Tami holds her head with both her talons and ruffles the feathers on her crest. "I'm like, really tired right now. We're operating on like, three hours of sleep right now, and I don't have anywhere near the patience for this kind of shit right now."

Quantum Shift tilts her head. "What do you have the patience for, 'right now'?"

Tami rubs her eyes with a talon. "I don't know. Either extreme retributive violence or just an alcohol-infused hardware store run. I... I am not enjoying my weekend very much at all."

Twefy 'fi Oson nods her head. She blinks multiple times and leans against Java Stout, who wraps a forehoof around her. "We were up all night trying to make sense of the data. I can barely think right now."

Java tilts his head and asks, "Aren't you like, a bit pissed about that speciest jerk?"

Oson shrugs her shoulders. "I'm kinda used to it. It takes too many resources to worry about stuff like that. I'm more worried about this project. We need to get more data. Safely. Without dieing, and breaking more stuff."

Tami sighs before continuing on their walk. "I don't understand you, Oson. Not much. At all. For fuck's sake, she was pushing you, about to hit you. She spat on me. Don't you feel anything?"

"It's only been a few years since the Five-Second War. And the Wedding Invasion was a lot more memorable. And longer. We all get that a lot of ponies won't like us immediately. That's why most of us still go out in disguise, unless we find a group of friends. Oh! I should say I'm really thankful for you, Tami. That was very kind of you. And for the record, I think you should've plowed her through a wall for spitting on you. That was exceptionally rude."

Java takes his forehoof off of Oson and taps his chin. "Five-Second War? When was that?"

Quantum looks at Java, a smile still stuck on her face. Her eyes, however, shine with disbelief. "Didn't you live here then, Java?"

Java turns to Quantum. "Do I look like the most observant of ponies?"

Oson sighs and hangs her head. "You might remember it as 'The Spitwad War'."

-----
Spliced in video from the Five-Second War.
-----

Queen Chrysalis and a horde of changelings are amassed outside the walls of Canterlot, singing a choral piece about the nature of love. They have gathered a small crowd of ponies around them by taking advantage of the preternatural desire of a pony to contribute to a musical number. The singing slowly fades out. Chrysalis addresses the guards lined up along the top of the wall.

"I, Queen Chrysalis, formally declare war upon all of ponykind! Nintyn ei' Ofor, commence the attack!"

A lone changeling, who has lived his whole life for this one glorious moment, smiles as he pulls a lens over one of his eyes. He places a straw to his mouth, takes aim, and exhales quickly through it. A lone spitwad impacts the helmet of one of the guards.

Chrysalis cackles. "And with that, we have officially declared our war. And now, we shall sue for peace!"

She raises a hoof and points to the now confused guards along the top of the wall. "LAWYERS, ASCEND!"

A fraction of the amassed army rise up, holding briefcases and documents in their hooves and magic, speaking the arcane language of the legal system.

-----

Oson shakes her head. "I honestly think the legal battles were more traumatizing than the invasion. If you follow the PTSD cases, there were more from that war than when we all dropped out of the sky."

Quantum tilts her head. "You were part of the invasion?"

Oson shakes her head again before continuing. "No, all the Twefy's and most of the Twefo's were just hatchlings. I was in school then. I'm like, really young in comparison to you guys. People are constantly surprised by how quickly we pick things up.

"I guess that's kinda the point I'm going for. We're really, really adaptable. So I can handle a little abuse.

"I won't lie, though. I kinda wanted you to smear her face on the wall. Especially after that anti-griffon jab. I could feel the hate rippling off of her."

Quantum taps her still locked jaw. "I didn't understand that. Changelings, yeah, we had a recent war. But the last griffon-pony combat was centuries ago."

Tami grumbles. "It was the economic collapse. A whole lot of griffons emigrated here afterwards, and then we got shat on for 'taking pony jobs'." She punctuated that comment with air quotes, a uniquely griffon gesture of sarcasm that has since spread to the other species of Equestria.

Java shakes his head. "Man, all these guys need to just chill out. Have a pint, or something. Speaking of which, here's Screwdrivers. Aside from the drinks, why are we here again?"

Tami ticks off a few items on her talons. "We need fresh ball bearings, a bunch of PVC tubes, some more PVC cement, some more gold dust, and a lot of copper wire."

Quantum interjects. "Don't we have a lot of ball bearings in that pachinko machine?"

Oson shakes her head. "We want some that haven't ever been touched by chaos magic. We need a lot of accurate data, and the bearings in the pachinko might have a latent chaos field about them."

Tami perks up. "Oh, and parts for a few more chaos generators. And more tea for them. I'm glad they started stocking that lately. Oh, and some more instant coffee. I've only got a few jars left."

Quantum shakes her head. "It's kinda gross how you just pour water into the whole jar and chug it. Probably not healthy, either."

Tami shrugs. "Eh. I'm still standing."

-----

After about an hour of wandering isles, picking up supplies, chatting with Clyde over in plumbing about their latest idea as he slowly nods and cuts the PVC pipe to their specification, and enjoying a pint of B plus (a porter with a delightful chocolatey aftertaste, the perfect pick-me-up pint! B positive!), the quartet return to their house. Oson, Quantum, and Tami head into the basement with the supplies, as Java begins to prepare a meal upstairs.

They have realized as a group they are incredible bad about shutting off the camera, but do not mind it very much as they seem to benefit from having evidence, and have been given the camera on permanent loan following the radiation hazard potentially contaminating it.

There is minor conversation as a structure is assembled.

Quantum speaks. "Looks like the bucket at the top can hold a few liters of ball bearings. How's the paddle assembly going?"

Tami holds up a small chunk of PVC with wires sticking out of it. She tilts it around, showing a small set of paddles inside of it. "I got the mechanicals of it wired up. How's the control system looking, Oson?"

Oson is hunched over a circuit board with a soldering iron. Her goggles are resting on her forehead above her eyes. "Just a few more connections. This chip is really something else. I'm glad I got those free samples they ship to people like us. Can someone start punching in the program we need for this so I can transfer it?"

Quantum picks up the calculator and notices that Oson is soldering together contacts on a surface-mount chip less than a millimeter apart. "How the hell...?"

Oson makes another connection. "Changeling. Compound eyes. We are really nearsighted."

Quantum tilts her head. "And that gives you freaky soldering skills?"

Oson makes the final connection on the circuit board. She turns off the soldering iron and returns her corrective goggles to their place over her eyes. "It's part practice, and part really good near-field vision."

Tami walks up, shaking a vial of hoof polish mixed with the gold powder. "You didn't know? I always ask Oson to do electronic work 'cause of that. Heh, remember when we had to get the GameStation serviced? They couldn't even tell she installed that zone-breaker chip into it."

Quantum gives a soft huh. "Dang. I should've had you do the circuits for the Rocket'n'Roll suit."

Oson nods, and takes the mechanical part from Quantum, hooking it into the electronics. "Yeah, probably. Do you have the code ready yet?"

Java calls from upstairs. "Hey! The bread's finished. And the chili is nearly ready, but it can like, stew for a while if you're still busy. Do you guys want a lot of MSG, or a little?"

Tami immediately yells up, "Lots. We're nearly done down here, too."

Java chuckles. "Heh, carnivore. I can do lots. It'll be ready when you are."

Tami hands Quantum the vial of gold infused polish. "Can you get the template on the PVC tube, while I get the program in? Talons are faster than hooves here, I mean."

Quantum picks up a piece of cardboard with runic holes cut into it. "Yeah, I got this." She places the template over a long length of PVC angled downwards, and begins to paint. As the last rune is painted through the template, it glows briefly, indicating the harmonizing spell has been successfully encoded.

Meanwhile, Tami finishes typing in the program and hands the graphing calculator to Oson. "Ready to transfer."

Oson plugs the calculator into the circuit board, and begins the transfer. Seconds later, she unplugs it, and moves over to the assembled experiment. "OK. So, camera on me, please. We've got a bucket of ball bearings set to drop every second past an electromagnet and down a tube angled thirty degrees below perpendicular. This circuit will control the release of the bearings. It also will record how quickly the bearings pass a sextet of magnetic sensors set up around the tube. One at the start of the tube, one before the harmonization runes, one after, one before the chaos generator, one after, and one at the end of the tube just for thoroughness.

"The circuit will steadily increase the chaos generator's output after taking thirty data points, by one milli-teacup a step. We intend to get a decent data plot for just how harmonized matter moves through a chaos field, without having to make an insurance claim. We have enough bearings in here to go from zero to point zero one teacups. Assuming nothing catastrophic happens, we will get another bucket of bearings and set it up for point zero one to a solid one teacup."

Oson flicks the device on. A lone ball bearing drops down into the tube with a clink, the circuit shortly beeps, and the process repeats. She turns to Tami and Quantum. "This experiment can just run itself now. It's time for food." The other two nod in agreement and head upstairs, leaving the camera on 'just in case'.

-----
Time passes. Roughly four hours.
-----

Tami enters the basement. Oson is looking at the numbers that came out of the machine, which is still steadily plinking. Tami looks at the bin the bearings are pouring into.

"What the fuck are we going to do with these ball bearings? There's like... What's the field strength now?"

"We're at point four two teacups."

"Millitea cup steps. Four hundred and twenty times thirty.... Forty two times three times a hundred... one hundred and twenty six times a hundred.... Twelve thousand ball bearings?!"

"I dunno. We've got a bag and a half ready to go."

"How many, in total?"

"About thirty thousand. Enough to step from zero to one teacup. I had Java pick up an extra hundred pack because we had the zero teacup test, and it was cheaper than thirty individual bearings."

"Tatarun chimes..."

"Java and Quantum are thinking up pranks we can do with them."

"How much did this cost us?"

"All together, or just the bearings? We're a few bits short of two hundred all together. Ten thousand one millimeter bearings are pretty cheap."

"No shit? Wow. Have they come up with anything clever?"

"Not yet."

"Any good data?"

"We're getting weird spikes at certain chaos levels. I think we can get a regression analysis to fit this to a function, once we get all the data in. I can say, for certain, Discord definitely gave Signal Jammer a faulty equation. To be honest, I'm getting pretty cheesed off by this."

"Cheese sounds good. I'm going to make some grilled cheese sandwiches. You want one?"

"Yes, please."

"'Kay. Damn, thirty thousand ball bearings... What could we even do with them..."

"I dunno. They're ferromagnetic, if that gives you any ideas."

-----
The following day.
-----

Tami is frowning. "This was a bad idea."

Quantum smiles back. "This is a bad idea. Wrong tense."

Java is grinning like an idiot. "I think this is going to be great. I can't believe it was Oson who came up with it."

Tami is still frowning. "What if she get's hurt?"

Java is still grinning like an idiot. "The electromagnet we built isn't that powerful, it won't explode. Much."

Tami shakes her head. "No, I mean, what if somepony punches her, or something?"

Quantum continues to smile while responding. "Then we rush in and deliver a nerd-tastic beat down."

Java nods. "Yup. We smack 'em around like, um... Like a pinata, or something."

Tami sighs. "Kinda ironic choice of words, there."

Java nods again. "Oh yeah. But I'm pretty sure it'll be ok. The cafe is pretty chill with the idea. And we've got a good cleanup plan."

Quantum waves a hoof. "Wait, wait, hush up guys. I can see her coming."

Oson is sitting at a cafe table with a raspberry scone and a cup of green tea, calmly reading a novel she has borrowed from the library. A clock tower chimes four. A very familiar very pretentiously dressed unicorn passes by on the street, before noting Oson. She scowls before marching up to her. "Well, isn't it the little changeling again. But no big bad griffon to protect you this time."

Oson sips her tea. "Oh, I don't think I need protecting. Perhaps you do, though."

"Is that a threat? I can have you deported, you know."

"It's not a threat. More a... no, it's actually a threat. Yes. My bad. I'd hate to misconstrue myself."

"And what can a little bug like you do?"

"Oh ho ho. I can do a lot. I can do an awful lot. I can do... THIS!"

Oson fires a burst of magic at a suited pony sitting at a nearby table, who promptly explodes into some thirty thousand ball bearings.

"Just like flipping a switch! Are you going to be next? Ah ha ha ha ha!" Oson cackles as the unicorn flees, screaming, tripping over the perceived remains of the converted pony.

Tami, Quantum, and Java carefully walk up towards Oson. A cafe worker likewise approaches with a fresh scone. "My goodness. That was arguably the funniest thing I've seen in years."

Oson gladly takes the scone and chuckles. "Thank you! Can I borrow that broom from you now? We can attach the electromagnet to it to pick up all the bearings, and sweep up the paper mache."

"I'd be more than happy to. You guys, that was amazing, showing up one of those condescending... Well, I shouldn't speak as such while on the clock. You've got this recorded? My goodness, it'd be amazing to watch that again."

Tami tilts her head. "Was it really that funny?"

As he walks back into the shop, the cafe worker chuckles. "My goodness. You've never worked in the service industry, have you?"

-----

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
A careful analysis of the reharmonization effect upon matter in a chaos derived spatial contraction field, with focus upon the most probable functions that may describe the results noted, with warnings about potential and probable hazards of applying previous equations perceived as safe.
For submission to the Department of Applied Magic, Canterlot University.
cc, For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

An explanation of recent very confusing statements provided to the Royal Guard about rogue changelings exploding ponies.
For submission to the Canterlot Royal Guard.

A copy of a very amusing video.
For submission to the delightful hosts at the Northside Scone Emporium.

Author's Note:

A whole lot of ideas here. I had the idea of the Five Second War a while ago; I figured, if changelings could be peaceful, how would they integrate? How would they even begin the process? And then I remembered how the Klingons in Star Trek VI achieved peace with the Federation - they sued for peace. The bit of speciesism in there, well... It's an easy plot device, isn't it? And more importantly, it links things together, and helped solve the problem of what do you do with thirty thousand ball bearings.

They really are that cheap, by the way.

This whole chapter was trying to come up with something silly Oson or Tami could do with this chaos magic idea - but they're arguably the most level headed among these characters. So, they do something safe.

The nearsighted freaky soldering skills is something one of my friends can actually do. It's kinda amazing - he lifts up his glasses and then fixes surface mount chips. Bugs in general are pretty nearsighted, due to the nature of the compound eye. I'd imagine changelings, outside of a really detailed disguise, would be be accordingly nearsighted. So, most of them would probably wear corrective lenses of some sort, unless they're engaging in detail work on something, like art or surgery or soldering.

Oh, and Clyde is also a real person - one of my favorite hardware store workers. He's helped me with an awful lot of awfully stupid projects. And Screwdrivers is also kinda real - there's a combination grocery and hardware store here that has saved my butt when everywhere else is closed by six.

Also, more changeling names! Can you find a pattern?

Comments

[DiscoPanda84]

Huh, I slide up my glasses to work with small details on things too... Occasionally with electronics, often with drafting.

[Stainless Steel Fox]

Is Twefy 'fi Oson's full name 25501?

[CrimsonCowboy]

7634332

BINGO! I encoded the numerals as a near-enough sounding name. Ponies get descriptive names, Gryphons have their classical names, but changelings? Either it'd be something like that, or I would have to find a book on entomology.

[Stainless Steel Fox]

7634847 Well, we have canon evidence that changeling names may be insect related. Chrysalis and Thorax. Though since one is a Queen and the other is atypical for a changeling, they may both be exceptions. Thorax may have taken a personal name as a way to distance himself from regular changelings, and Chrysalis may have that as her reign name to identify her from any other queens. (though if you accept the IDW Fiendship is Magic comic, there are no other hives and Chrysalis has been Queen since the race was spawned.)

Also, if Thorax had wanted a human sounding name, would he be called Chester?

[CrimsonCowboy]

7636759

But I really don't want to review entomology right now... The "Choose your name!" trick seems like a good enough excuse. It would have it's consequences, though. It might be difficult to participate in, say, "Oson's day", or "Ellen's Day", or so forth, where all the changelings with the same last two digits get together to have some cake and a good chat. Perhaps even some dancing.

The last "Svento" party was pretty off the hook. The "Sventre" are planning to show them up this year.

Edit: just noticed the name "Chester" was a joke based on "Thorax". Well played.