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This story is a sequel to Please Forgive Me
A week after Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo have officially become mother and daughter again, Rainbow Dash gets word from Spitfire that there's an upcoming show in Cloudsdale. She's worried about telling her parents about Scootaloo, but finally decides to tell them. How will they react to the news that they have a granddaughter?
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I like the idea and the story is good, but it's way way way waaay too quick and short.
Those events should be filled with emotions and drama, but you skip them in order to tell only the events. But for this sort of story, the reader wants emotions and drama. There are no points in the story where the reader can stop and think about what's happening, or how he's feeling about it. It's even difficult to say what the characters are going through since you don't describe it.
Not only that came practically out of nowhere, but the dialogue itself lacks emotion. How should I picture it? Is she saying it really fast because she's scared? Or is she talking slowly because she's hesitant? Is she crying? Is she avoiding eye contact? Now, you shouldn't write plain emotions unless you don't know how to avoid that or you're pointing out something final. But you should leave hints of how they're feeling. Describe what's happening. If you read Ezn's guide you'll find the line: show, don't tell.
Still, thumbs up for you. I'm looking forward to reading the next chap of Deepest Desires.
Wonderful storyline,
I think you can make a great fanfic out of it! I agree with andrizzi in that you should slow down a bit and try to add some more emotion to your dialog, an easy way to do this is to go through your writing then think "ok how is she saying this, how does she feel?" and replace said for one of these words.
mrskandmrsa.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/said-synonyms-2.jpg
10/10
That's some quality rainbow pony
7509786 Thanks
I like the story, I really do. I like the idea of it and it pains me to say that there's a nitpick about it, well two but the other one is small and it's me probably missing something.
Main point, it's came and went to fast. I literallyb blinked and it was over and all I got out of it was that happy feeling that Scoots has been accepted into the family by RD parents and that was it. I don't know if it's the writing style or something wrong with me. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just one asshole saying his nitpick.
Second thing, why is it when bringing up Rainbow Dashes parents her mom is named Firefly? It always confused me, sure her farther is named Rainbow Blitz but that somewhat makes sense. Was there an episode that there's that RD said the Firefly is here mothers name?
7542165 Long story short, the general fandom is that a few of the mane 6 are the daughters of some of the ponies from G1 The best guess of a generation gap is with Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. Applejack is a G1 bringback, similar to Spike, and the general idea is that our Pinkie Pie is just Surprise from G1, just without wings. Or to be easier, one could say that the wings simply came off Surprise and were put on Posey, hence G4 Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. Rarity is completely new. But that's for another discussion.
Anyway, back to the generation shift, and of course, it starts with the leader of the Mane 6, Twilight Sparkle. We have seen Twilight's parents before, even in speaking roles, and many have noticed that the mare that is Twilight's Twilight's mother, Twilight Velvet is the same pony that G1 Twilight comes from, complete with her love of astromony and her gift of magic. Obviously there is a redesign for modern day, but the same concept is there.
A similar situation goes with Fluttershy, which prior to the episode "Flutter Brutter", we all assumed that Fluttershy's mother would be the G1 Earth pony Posey, who remarkably looks just like Fluttershy in mane and coat color, just that Posey's cutie mark is a bunch of flower (tulips, if you want to be specific), and obviously Fluttershy is a Pegasus. I have to admit though, when "Flutter Brutter" premiered, it kinda blew up headcanons but gavanized them as well. Mrs. Shy is a Pegasus, same as Fluttershy, but she has the same yellow coat, if a bit paler than Fluttershy's, a darker shade of pink than her daughter's, not to mention the cutie mark on her is--you guessed it--flowers, similar to Posey. And also, she has the same timidness from Posey, similar to her daughter now. So, there is a lot of discussion that G4 Mrs. Shy is still Posey, just redesigned--similar to when the team at DHX redesigned Moondancer but still had the same cutie mark she had in G1.
Now as for Rainbow Dash, Word of God (meaning Lauren Faust) have mentioned that G1 Firefly is the inspiration for the Dashie that we all adore and love, and to completely blow up that G3 Rainbow Dash that would make today's Rarity a run for her money, but remember it is pretty much opinion on that. A lot of people that remember the MLP from the 80s know that Firefly is brash, and pretty much a tomboy, similar to Dash now. And from some episodes, particularly Games Ponies Play, we know that Dash has a father, but we have yet to see a mother. So the general consensus is that G1 Firefly is G4 Dash's mother. And until a future episode says otherwise, it just works that Firefly is Dashie's mom--Dash has so much in Firefly in personality and style. There is some opinions that Firefly is or was a Wonderbolt at some point as well, which could explain Dash's admiration for the Wonderbolts. There is the mystery of what happened to Firefly though if that is the case and Dash is her daughter. And some of those can get a little dark, but that's for another day.
7711500 ohhhh okay that make sense ty
7711537
No problem.
Though, have to say that I remember a lot of it, even though I was born in the 80s...thank goodness for YouTube and the Internet!! And honestly, I was surprised that I remembered a bunch of it, considering that I was like 3 when those movies came out. Kinda weirds me out that I know that much about what's considered a show for little girls and I'm a guy, but can't help what I like to watch.
A little short, but good. So is the father going to pop up?
7725032 Read Deepest Desires next.
7725043 thanks
7725759 You're welcome.