- Member Since 1st Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Feb 22nd, 2014
Lucefudu
Iatrogenesisist extraordinaire!
Lucefudu
Joined 1st Nov, 2011 ·
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This story is a gift to a friend of mine who shall remain anonymous. He wanted a clopstory with Octavia, but a M/F one.
I thought to myself: Well, fuck. Octavia is from Canterlot and I don't want her to ship with the snob Jet Set (even though the fact that he would be cheating on his wife, Upper Crust, is amusing) or Fancy Pants (he has Fleur and I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't cheat on her), who are the only known male ponies from Canterlot (apart from Shining Armor and Soarin' {whom is most likely from Cloudsdale} and Pony Joe {who?}).
So, what did I do? I created an OC just for the occasion. There! Problem solved.
Credits: I'd like to thank two of my friends for helping me with this, SwiperTheFox, for actually writing the entire clop scenes for me (because I suck so hard {not like that, mind you} at clop ) and MuzzledElk for giving me a helping hand with the fanfic in general and for kindly editing the cover image so that it is now only semi-NSFW.
I really, really, really can't thank you both enough for this! I'm in your debts.
Spoiler: dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
805330 A new fic by you and Cosmonaut tonight... it's not even 1 AM and my day has been made. Luvs u so much bby<3~
Edit: After reading... DAMN that was nice. You missed a few letters every now and then (smacks with rolled up newspaper), but overall it was really well written.
Goddamn, that was good.
Also, in the very first line, did you mean to say "maple floorboards" instead of "malpe floorboards?"
So much:
i know its a clopfic but i still like how you didnt jump into the sex right away and gave the story a little more..........story to it, with some actual emotion. mighty fine job sir.
8/10
This could have a sequel very easily, lol.
806340 Eeeyp. Fixed. Me derps.
In the beginning, Kovaks is said to be a Unicorn, then an Earth pony, but later you describe him using magic.
An earth pony using magic.
There's something wrong with this, but I just can't quite put my finger on it.
808066 Yeah... stuff being lost during post production. Fixed.
808101
“to turns thing back on until they’re totally finished.”
Other than that, awesome work! Gets my fave and upvote!
813817 It means he needs to have a hard on in order to properly "finish her".
813825
I can see that, however is it supposed to be 'turns thing' or 'turn things'? It just seemed like a typo.
813933 Turn things... I caught this typo now. Thanks
813999
No prob. It just confused me, s'all. Glad I could be of help.
This is just great. Very engrossing, nice work.
I d'awed when Octavia made mocking faces at that one colt, that was adorable.
Hope to see more from you soon, mate.
I saw the name and was thought to myself "A musical title? Octavia's sweet plot? Aaahhh Yea."
Hope you don't mind but I posted this on the directory
Very good. A few mistakes though(sorry, I don't like proving people wrong but I get really OCD about this sort of thing).
OK, starting from the bottom and working upwards: "had no reason to expect him to mean anything to her" not a glaring error, although himself would work better, "eyes looking how weird he looked". That's two uses of look derivatives in one sentence. Again, not a huge error, but I am super twitchy when It comes to this sort of thing, "seeing(or realising) how weird he looked" would work better grammatically. "Watched as his colthood fell him" two problems here, one a tiny detail an the other you would already have noticed, did you mean "fell onto him?" or something else? The second problem I had is me being a bit fussy, but "colt" is generally applied to male ponies during/prior to adolescence and from that point on are usually referred to as stallions, therefore colthood=stallionhood(not a biggie at all just my two bits worth). The sentence in which Octavia was rubbing his stallionhood up her chest needed to be seperated into two or three rather than the one. Another problem I had which exacerbated the previous was "along her belly along her chest, the tip even rubbing her stunning necklace" would have sounded better worded "along her belly and chest, with the tip even rubbing her stunning necklace". "You know blasted well" "blasted" seems a little out of character for any female in that situation and "very" would work just as well. "Licking up and down the sides of her colthood" I think you meant him rather than her.
I'm sorry if I seem overly critical, but I just like helping and greatly enjoyed your story. Hope you don't mind. :)
822183 Where?
824535 Thanks for that. I shall be fixing these up real soon.
This had a really touching development. I love how Octavia is built up and I love how you built up the OC as well. <3 I did find some emotional bits that I clearly felt, and loved how it plays out later on when they bucked. XD haha.
Keep up the good work there.
Congrats on the EQAD feature, and a masterfully executed story. A few grammatical errors here and there, one of them a simple indentation flub and the other you repeated "Flanks" twice in like, 5 words. Aside from that, you paint a very good picture with all the sensations the two would feel during such a session. A wonderfully-told chapter. Bravo!
838494 Thanks a lot. I scanned the fanfic for the indentation flub but couldn't find it. Would you be so kind as to point me the exact paragraph? Also: Since I can't write clop if my life depended on it, SwiperTheFox was the one who wrote the clopscenes in this fanfic. I will be sure to notify him of the errors so he won't commit them in the future.
(And, by grammatical errors, do you mean only the indentation flub and the repeat of "Flanks"? If not, would you care to point me those? Thanks!)
838512
His powerful, deep thrust brought them both in the throws of immense pleasure.
I think "Throws" was supposed to be "Throes"
His eyes bounced over to the thick whiteness dotted upon Octavia’s flanks to her magnificent flanks
"Flanks" was used twice in five words, doesn't seem to flow very well
Her mind wandered, mulling over the lives of the Canterlot ponies. Those of an ‘inferior’ economic class surely would be the ones to work the hardest in order to support the many ponies that, through luck or fate, were always served with a silver spoon over a silver platter on a silver-stitched bed. She considered the fact that the entire reason the elite acted as such and oppressed the lives of those ‘beneath’ them was so that they would ‘fit’ in with the perceived notion of those around them.
Even if they didn’t want to, they treated the ‘lower’ ponies hauntingly similar to mere tools that were to be used and then tossed away like so much refuse from a high-end restaurant at the end of the night. It was with a small shudder that Octavia acknowledged that they acted just like she did with everypony she interacted with this night, especially...
"She considered the fact that the entire reason the elite acted as such and oppressed the lives of those 'beneath' them was so that the ywould 'fit' in with the perceived notion of those around them. (Space here) Even if they didn't want to-" After that space, there's a missing indent. Not sure if the space was added extra, or if the indent is missing. It would flow well enough as a paragraph without the space, but to avoid the awkwardness, perhaps an extra space and an intend could be added before "Even"
Grammar nazi completed. As I said, a wonderful story. I should read Swiper's stuff more, he's apparently very good at this.
838568 Thank you for that. I fixed the indent and replaced some "flanks" with 'haunches' or 'plot'.
Nice!
I read this while listening to "Puscifer - Indigo Children".
Best reading experience ever.
You have now 100 thumbs up.
Cheers mate.
Beautiful,amazing. Very well done good sir :)
That was one hell of an amazing story
838568
Also, he kept on using apostrophe's as quotes for words like "inferior". Some old-English writers used to do that, but if you ask any English professor, they're bound to agree that you can't use apostrophes for a substitute for quotes. Some people do it because they want to separate dialogue from the quoted words, but still that's not grammatically accurate.
Oh yeah, good story too XD
Almost forgot to mention. I thought the story was very cute, although the name didn't stick with me even though you explained it. It was a nice sensual "cloppy" romance. Very well done.
Very nice!
dude that story was amazing tough you should get rid of the link for youtube it the video is gone
I'd love to see more of this story. Maybe show how their relationship develops?