- Member Since 23rd May, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 30th, 2023
Berserk
"When the world throws you in a corner what do you do? You look it dead in the eye and tell it to fuck off!"
Berserk
Joined 23rd May, 2014 ·
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Ok, I like the premise of this. The description made me think it was going to be bad, but i will give it a try.
7369829 thanks i'll work on the description.
more plz
Oh. Deleting comments is just not going to help you here, newfriend. This isn't Deviantart.
7370443 yeah your right, I guess I just need to become a even better writer.
>Deleted comments
Kek.
7370551 yeah I know bad first start but I'm changing it know.
and I deleted it before I added the "first story so criticism is welcomed" thing.
7370670 yeah my brother jumped my shit for it I wont do it anymore unless its like telling someone to commit suicide or something.
Hmm... Definitely a rough gem but it has potential. I'll watch and provide constructive feedback if I can especially in regards to grammar and spelling if you need it.
Bartender + bad ass = i'm gonna see what happens.
you have my attention.
Is it just me or does it seem like the way that sentence I written out is seems like he almost broke his hand hitting his alarm clock?
And secondly.
I think there should of been a comma between Eclipse and Jack. Unless the team is literally called Eclipse Jack Wild.
And my final nit pick about this story.
Said the disembodied voice. Why is there narration of who is talking and what there doing after that sentence?
I would go on with the little things I noticed but I would just end up making a review full of little nit picks, wich is something I would rather avoid doing.
7380969 noted I'll take a look at this later.
7380969 their we go that my not be a perfect fixe at the moment but for right now they will do I've been a little busy and haven't got the time to make the story perfect. thanks for the help and for the record I don't mind nit pick but don't go super crazy.
7384378
I added Doom levels of gore, and some of the more sophisticated, and more blasphemous, and more crude Early 20th Century swearing to my debacle, and no one has come to make it M Rated. Probably because it still is at Hellboy Comic levels but still.
Somewhat decent premise but you need to sharpen up in your narration and dialogue, I also recommend that you watch a movie. (With the execution of a drunken Wall-Street executive trowing a dart and accidentally hitting a copper in the nose, but none of us are perfect.)
"HE NEVER DIED" On Netflix (If you have Netflix). It's a similar premise, and it's the vibe that I think you are going for.
I'm not posting the trailer because it's not a very good one... But The movie is gold wrapped in tinfoil. Pure Genius!
7409264 got it i'll get on that thanks.
7416008 love this story already please make more
7421106 already have chapter two done so don't worry.
7422167 hurry i cannot wait
7422167 This is good. When update?
7432784
Right now.
i love it allready
Love this story so far please make nore
more
Intresting.... When is the next update?
I could let the few grammar errors slide, but using the "ya'll" as a singular pronoun really irks me, as a Southerner. Y'all is plural. Keep up the good work.
Yes. Another OP story and I like it.
Jack? ...Nah, from now on I'm calling him Michael McDoesntexist.
7645689 I have no problem with this.
I'm beginning to think this man is a possible relative of Max Facepuncher.
moar...........simple as that.................moar............,.....
7673060 I'm working on it my editor isn't.
7673920 well...............crap................
7675336 yeah no, I got the the chapter done on September 23.
when is the new chapter going to be out
Pretty good start, looking forward to the next chapter.
i1255.photobucket.com/albums/hh623/stephen51991/bp_1428647606__mlp_its_beautiful_zpsgkt9gyxb.gif
7713035 thanks
7713042 I was kind of going for that feel, glad you liked it.
Not bad, but you called Pinkie a mare when she left Jack's place
7713060 were I don't see it?
7713064
7713076 that was intentional don't worry. Thanks for the favorite btw
So basically you applied the 8 gates of chi or whatever from that Asian religion to magic.
7713092 something tells me Jack will see more of Celestia, wether he likes it or not after he is done training the new and/or joins the new Eclipse team
7713342 yes actually. I personally thought would be cool.
7713657
Could've made another system and based it on how you think magic works instead of a belief about how fictional life energy moves around the body.
Also it makes me think about Naruto, and I don't want to think about Naruto.
7713668
...*eye twitch*
pa1.narvii.com/6115/06d0dfa592decdc90d8fa472f1c0e8658a8ca30d_hq.gif
so this is a human EQ?