Missing Pages & Scrawled Footnotes

by Ice Star

Murder, Marigold, and Mini Sandwiches [One Shot] [Friendshipping] [Luna/Sombra/Cadance]

Author's Note:

Timeline wise: That weird gap between Favorable Alignment and Enemy of Mine.
Spoilers: For anything before FA and including it I guess?

I like true crime. I like weird murder facts. Anyone who has given my stories so much as a passing glance knows I probably have read up on forensic psychology or some other Weird Thing that is also Very Morbid and makes you wonder just what the fuck I'd be writing if it wasn't about ponies.

Well, I probably do read too much weird crime stuff (spoiler: I totally do) and discovered some very neat articles detailing murder behavioral patterns and why they differ between the genders. Yep, people kill differently depending on what gender they are - and there's certain professions that serial killers find useful. Blah blah blah true crime and horses why aren't there more horse crime stories I have no clue but there should be.

This idea is a rather mundane one that popped into my head when it did occur to me that a) Sombra was a serial killer (technically) he'd have Horse Opinions and b) I dunno my brain's weird, but Luna would totally be on board with learning this sorta thing since she did a lot of justice and crime stuff in Equestria (both past and present) and c) c'mon Luna and Sombra are weirdos and would know a bunch of morbid stuff that they'd gab about in front of poor Cady-doo.

So, uh, short story info:

Teen/Death Talking So Death and Violence Tag I guess I Dunno They're Talking/Cadance/Sombra/Luna/Friendshipping/Comedy/Slice of Life

Summary: Cadance tries to stay up to speed when Luna and Sombra are complete weirdos, and this include when they start trying to educate her on famous Equestrian murderers.

Lookit this lazy ass formatting almost like I typed this at 2 in the morning or something haha what.

Cadance swirled her fork in her magic, only picking at fruit medley. Of all the things she could have packed for lunch, and she had picked the laziest option. Delight at visiting Sombra and Luna in Canterlot had monopoly over her attention when packing her share of the picnic lunch. And she chose to make - and eat most of - the fruit medley. Sombra hadn’t touched it, insisting there was a disproportionate amount of honeydew. Luna was too busy levitating samples of everything else towards her to nibble at between conversation; her attention was fixed on Sombra, and there was a shine in her eyes that she had just for him. While Cadance hadn’t seen Luna sample the medley, a few pieces had gone missing when she wasn’t looking, and that was confirmation enough.

She popped a forkful of watermelon in her mouth, enjoying a burst of flavor and looking up at the clouds. Wispy rings swirled around Mount Canterhorn, each a wide ripple across the bright blue sky. With such a perfectly relaxing day, one would think that the discussions at such a picnic would be pleasant, light things.

That ‘one’ in question would not be Cadance. Befriend the weirdos, and the weird shall follow. A crazy demon and his goth girlfriend were not a normal combination, and you know what? That was perfectly okay. One hundred and ten percent definitely completely okay. Heck, it even made them cuter together, and Cadance was hooves-down the number one fan of these two.

Even when conversations get freaky.

“...and multiple ponies perishing from exsanguination was not enough for magical matters to be suspected?”

Sombra shook his head, black bangs brushing falling over his eyes. “You would think so.” He thrust the book he was levitating closer to Luna. “The initial investigation into the Manehattan Blood Magic Murders was abysmal until somepony who could be identified was killed.”

Sombra snorted, and Cadance swiveled her ears toward him. She focused on how Luna nodded with an understanding she didn’t mimic. Perhaps trying to scarf down fruit in the face of this conversation topic was why. Perhaps.

“To think that the guard was at such a loss in such dire times…” Luna murmured, leafing through the pages with her turquoise glow. “A strong registry of one’s subjects and a blade to the neck of any underworld that threatens to emerge is an invaluable asset to one’s nation.”

“I think there was more to the failure than that,” Sombra said, the critical edge to his voice clearer to Cadance than the depth of their immersion on such a morbid matter. “Intuition isn’t an instinct.”

“My sister has always struggled to manage criminal matters,” Luna replied, shrugging. “Her time alone has the clear underpinnings of just how much she needed somepony more knowledgeable to be there for her. A serial murderer is a breed whose nature is entirely unknown to my sister. Monstrous minds are what I picked apart and stalked, she merely condemned them. I must say it is humorous how erroneously ‘mage’ is misused to describe an earth pony!” She chuckled, and Cadance blinked.

Sombra gave a dry scoff. “Certainly. That’s still something more glaring - what I find odd is her occupation.” A cold smirk tugged at Sombra’s muzzle and he tapped a hoof to one page once he found it. “A general store clerk is neither subversively unassuming, seemingly ironic, or obvious.”

“Sombra, she worked as an unskilled laborer. For somepony who had to mask such corruption and violence in their life, to work at something so undemanding offered this Marigold much more time for her nefarious schemes.”

Sombra’s black tail swished in an arc across Cadance’s picnic blanket. “Yeah, that does give some purpose to why. Mares don’t usually kill how she did. Even her methods were different - she wasn’t that bright, and there’s still no record of her using anything close to her other than the Alicorn Amulet to supply her attacks. I can only describe that as her overlooking resources or monomaniac effects of dark magic.”

“According to your book, the latter seems far more plausible, Som. The mare was out of her mind.”

“Listen you two,” Cadance interrupted teasingly, “are you just gonna gab about this weird murder stuff all day?”

“Perhaps,” Sombra said, arching one eyebrow and following the tilt of Cadance’s head with a flat stare.

“We hadn’t meant to neglect you so,” Luna added, smiling and rustling the feathers of her neatly folded wings. “Perhaps you would like us to fill you in?”

“Uh,” Cadance flicked an ear and made her wings mimic a crooked shrug. “Sure?”

“You get her caught up,” Sombra said, transferring his book to Luna’s magic. He levitated a plate of daisy sandwiches in his direction.

“Very well,” Luna accepted it and calmly turned to Cadance, pursuing the pages as she continued. “The mare we speak of is so-called Blood ‘Mage’ of Manehattan, an earth pony and serial murderer when my sister reigned alone. She is an obscure and morbid part of our kingdom’s history, being the first known owner of the Alicorn Amulet and a bastard to the Blueblood family.”

“Ohmigosh, they had those?” Cadance squeaked, nearly choking on a grape.

“She was the only one,” Luna said solemnly. “Her homewrecker dam was the subject of much scorn after Miss Marigold’s birth.”

“Wait, how could she have kept the Blueblood name if she was a bastard?” Cadance asked. “And is this going to be a real conversation we all have from now on? Strange murder facts hosted by you weirdos?”

“Somepony says that like it’s a bad thing,” Sombra retorts, that familiar, no-good smirk creeping back into view.

Luna smiled impishly at Cadance’s words. “For somepony with our backgrounds this is quite the typical conversation. A young ruler like yourself should be concerned with the safety of one’s subjects from all possible perspectives.”

“Well...” Cadance drew out the word, conceding, “when you put it that way, it makes sense. I just don’t get why ya care that she’s a mare, yo. Isn’t a freaky murderer a murderer either way?”

Sombra brought a forehoof to his cheek, dragging it down to his sharp jawline in a dramatic display of exasperation. “I don’t know, Pink One. Why would somepony’s gender matter in their relationships? Aren’t ponies the same regardless of gender? Surely there’s no important differences between them that would impact how they-”

“Okay, okay, Sombra!” A fork twirled swiftly in her blue magic and Cadance looked over at Luna. “Sooo... why does colt or filly-”

Sombra raised one eyebrow critically.

“-or, uh, spooky dark magic have to do with how somepony would kill? Or why?”

Luna still held her wise smile. “Key differences in any creature are wont to influence how one behaves. As vile as some deeds can be, that does not take away from their complexity or need to be understood. That which you see in such a situation as inconsequential can play an important role in impacting the methodology of the morbid.”

Cadance only gave a flat, “What.”

Luna chuckled at the sight of the other mare’s far-eyed stare. “I suppose I cannot expect you to have the words for that which you hadn’t offered much thought to before. To offer a simpler situation: between a mare and a stallion, and with no other factors accounted for, who is the more likely to poison another pony?”

“Erm,” Cadance bit at her lip, both in thought and because she knew Sombra was scrutinizing her, “a mare?” she guessed.

“That is correct,” Luna replied, her cool eyes twinkling. “Yet, do you know why that is so?”

Colorful curls shifted with the shake of Cadance’s head. “Nopers!”

“A mare is less likely to utilize brute force due to the average mare’s slighter strength,” Luna’s posture straightened with a plucky pride and she rolled her withers, shooting her lithe frame an admiring gaze. “Though it is not something I have any experience with myself, I understand that stallions possess a greater average physical capability, and that mares prefer less confrontational methods out of practicality and are inclined to indirect, passive methods in such an area.”

Sombra nuzzled Luna’s neck affectionately, only pulling away from the adorable gesture to contribute to what Luna said. “Think of that specific hypothetical like communication. How much more likely are you to meet a passive-aggressive mare over a stallion? If the method of communication becomes a violent one, why would somepony abandon all their previous habits?”

“Oh gods,” Cadance gasped, “you two are making murder make sense!”

“Yes, yes,” Sombra’s crooked smile flashed briefly, “we’re such bad influences on you.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Luna added, smiling teasingly. “Might there be anything else still on your mind?”

“Well,” Cadance started, letting her thoughts gather and sampling some more lunch. “You two were talking about jobs. That was the really confusing part. Why would that be important? Isn’t it about the ponies and why they did something terrible? Why would I wanna know if some freak was flipping hayburgers? How do you even keep track of that?”

Sighing, Sombra flopped down to the ground. He let his mane fan out behind him when the rest wasn’t spilling out across his eyes, in its usual place. “Luna, if she keeps asking things like this, you’re going to have your work cut out for you – and for longer than I thought.”

An amused, gentle smile played across Luna’s muzzle. Her magic turned the pages in Sombra’s book with aimless glides. “Som, she’s only a novice. Our discussions may resume some other time. As for your questions, Cady, it is very important. Is a pony’s profession not some part of who they are when they are often marked for that very thing?”

“I guess when you put it that way–”

“...It highlights some fault in your assumptions, does it not?” Luna asked, tilting her head curiously. “The very hayburger cook you described could have been poisoning the very food they flipped. An investigation keeps track of that – and why would we not want to? Somepony utilizing the resources present in their place of employment brings forth many questions about what goes on there, much like a spy in one’s midst would bring about the same discussions.”

“Wait, so you and Sombra were thinking… your weird Manehattan gal was using things from a general store to kill ponies?”

“Ten points to Pink One,” came Sombra’s dry tone, “for realizing that yes, you can in fact kill ponies with the simplest of items if you get creative. Seriously, how did it not occur to you before – me-dammit, you can get rope at a general store, and that’s an obvious one.”

“Not all of us think about Murder 101 every time we go shopping, y’know. That’s for post-Hearth’s Warming agony phases and Nightmare Night, thank you very much.”

Luna cleared her throat. “Perhaps we could save our holiday homicide plans until the season approaches, or did you two wish to continue?”

“Go ahead,” Sombra said, magic plucking Cadance’s fruit medley right out of her grasp. He noted Cadance’s pitiful, silent look with a brief smugness and began to pick at the plate’s contents.

Reluctantly, Cadance moved on, swiping a few trail mix treats with her magic before motioning for Luna to continue.

“So the job stuff… I think I get it now, but does all this mean there’s murderer ponies who like to have certain jobs?”

“Indeed,” Luna dipped her head into a nod. “That is very much the case – just as there are many kinds of ponies more likely to do some deeds than others, but I’m sure you grasp that.”

“Yeah,” Cadance felt herself nodding, understanding settling more comfortably over her. She nibbled her food thoughtfully, letting her eyes shine with bright focus. “Does this mean that there are some ponies that, umm, are more likely to hurt somepony just because of who they are?”

Confusion crossed Luna’s features, overflowing in her wide eyes. “If I understand what you mean, then the answer is not particularly. A condition hardly makes a murderer, and yet you know as well as eye that red flags are no falsehood. Is that what you speak of?”

“No, what I meant was, can a pony be more likely to kill another pony if their gender, y’know, means something that way?”

“Your question is rooted in a fallacy, Pink One,” Sombra cut in, scarfing down a watermelon cube. “What you mean to ask is if there’s currently more known serial murderers of one gender.”

“Yes, that’s what I–”

“Then,” Sombra continued, interrupting her with a swift, authoritative tone clearly coming from somepony who knew the subject, “the answer would be there are slightly more mare murderers – and only because it remains proportional to there being slightly more mares leading non-military lives. Everything remains proportional to the population as a whole.”

“Ooooh!” Cadance swallowed a granola treat quickly. “So then because mares might be more likely to pick certain jobs – there will be more freaky murder ponies of those jobs?”

“Some truth lies in your guess,” Luna clarified, combing at her mane momentarily with her hooves. “Careers are based in matters not just of commonality and disguise. A pony intent on committing such deeds would often want gain – be it materials, fame, or some other means of supplying themselves. Now, with that given to you: Cady, what do you think it is most of these ponies would do?”

“Journalism?” Cadance guessed, scrunching up her muzzle and flicking her ears. “Attention and travel access means they’d know just where to hide a body, yah?”

Sombra was giving her a funnier look than usual, fork frozen mid-bite in his magic. Luna’s look was calm, but unclear.

“Well, uh,” Cadance floundered, “what about gardeners? Everypony needs a gardener! They make bits and know how to dig! Beat that guess, Sombra!”

“I don’t need to guess,” he mutters, “most of these ponies drift to a collection of occupations – unskilled labor, forestry–”

“Which is basically just big-filly gardening.”

“–mercenary work, tinkerers, cart-ponies, couriers, and there are many who avoid having any job at all for the sake of wandering. Knowledge of natural and magical resources can certainly compensate when the risks of staying in Equestrian society just waiting to be caught can be inconvenient. Unemployment and disappearing holds merit, in that case.”

“Remind me to never, ever ask you how you know any of this.”

“Duly noted.”

Luna snorted. “Cadance, I can hardly believe you are an only foal when Som is around you.”

The tiniest bolt of lightning lashed out from Luna’s horn to zap a watermelon cube to ash. Cadance pretended not to hear Luna chiding Sombra for his aim.

“...Which of us is right, Luna?” Cadance asked, distracted with the desire for quick answers and by the curls that kept spilling around her cheeks. It was like they missed some memo that today she wasn’t in the mood for mane-managing. “Is it Sombra? Did he pull a big ol’ God of Smugness on me again?”

“That’s certainly a new one,” Sombra chimed, “I think I almost like it, too.”

Luna made no effort to hide her soft giggles. “Both of you are incorrect. The most popular profession among Equestrian serial murderers are medical ones – nursing, surgeons, and the like.”

Cadance’s mouth hung open and she let out a little squeak. “W-What?”

Sombra shot up, embers of skepticism and mild surprise already showing in his eyes. “Are you sure about that?”

“I’m quite positive,” Luna took in their expressions with a pleased smile. “As I sifted through justice history upon my return, I too, was shocked to see that the most known murderers in Equestria – particularly serial offenders – are overwhelmingly medical sorts, one of the very occupations that would oppose such conduct. Only with much meditation and more research did the reasons behind this becomes clear: a clinical atmosphere supplied with all one’s materials and an environment with a fair share of death make the perfect setup for foulness. As for the ponies –’tis easy to be drawn to such an atmosphere if one seeks to blend in and find unsuspecting outlets for one’s aggression and cruel tendencies. I found much regarding mares with varying levels and habits involving psychopathy that find a strong appeal in the field. Sombra’s guesses made up nearly everything that followed though – particularly unskilled labor and unemployment.”

Crimson magic sparked to life on Sombra’s horn, scratching behind one of his ears. “Count me surprised that pattern is the most prominent. I definitely have some reading to do.”

“Great, now I’m gonna be jumping out of my feathers the next time I have to visit a hospital.”

Sombra flicked his ears, a snake-like half-smile emerging. “Somepony should be in the hospital if she’s jumping out of her feathers.

“Sombra no!” Cadance protested, wings ruffling with offense. “You’re the one who is going to be reading some freaky stuff on how to make a kidney transplant go wrong, so you can’t be making those jokes.”

“First of all, who is going to stop me? Second, what makes you think I don’t already know these kinds of things?

“Luna, please have mercy on me.”

“Oh?” Luna’s smile widened horribly. “Why would I do that?”

“Because I know Sombra won’t.”