Lyra

*BEEP!* *BEEP!* *BEEP!* Twilight grumbles as she awakes from her slumber. She presses the button to turn off the alarm clock and feels for her glasses, almost breaking them in the process. She combs her purple and pink mane. She stumbles out of her room to the kitchen.

“Mornin’ Twily,” Twilight’s older brother Shining Armor ruffles her hair, making Twilight giggle.

“Good morning BBBFF,” Twilight answers seating herself at the table.

“You two better hurry up,” Twilight’s mother Twilight Velvet says magically bringing Twilight and Shining Armor’s saddlebags. “It’s almost time for school!”

Twilight cringes. She loves school and learning, but there was one thing she hated about school: the other ponies. They made fun of her and beat her up. But she didn't want to worry her family, so she never told them.

She grabs her saddlebags and plops them onto her back. She kisses her mom on the cheek and runs out the door so she wouldn’t be late.

When she arrives at school she almost runs straight into Midnight Shine. Midnight Shine is a white unicorn with a beautifully styled pink mane; everyone calls her Middie, even the teachers! She’s the most popular mare in the school, and Twilight is her favorite pony to bully.

“Hey!” Middie screams. “Don’t you know this school is for unicorns only?! As in, no Earth Ponies allowed?”

“I- I am a unicorn” Twilight stammers.

Middie laughs her heart-crushing laugh and stares at Twilight right in the eye.

“Prove it,” Middie challenges. “Use a spell.”

“I can’t,” Twilight says. She had been trying to make magic spells with her horn for ages and couldn't even cast one.

“Well then Earth Pony,” Middie sneers. “You better leave before someone catches you.”

Just as Twilight turns to leave she hears a voice say, “Leave her alone!”

A mint colored pony with gold eyes and a harp cutie mark steps in front of Middie. She narrows her eyes and gives Middie an unspoken challenge to say something else.

This makes Middie furious. “You’re on her side?!” she asks. “Why? She’s a total nerd, has no sense of fashion and doesn’t have even one friend!”

“I’m on her side because she’s not a total jerk like you,” And with that, the mint colored pony turns her back on Middie and walks over to Twilight.

Middie trots away enraged with her followers running off after her trying to reassure her that the mint colored pony is just wrong in the head and would come around eventually.

“My names Lyra Heartstrings,” says the mint colored pony to Twilight. “Don’t let that pony get to you. Everypony will see how much of a jerk she is sooner or later. Until then, stand up for yourself; I’m not going to be there every time she bullies you.”

“I- I’m Twilight Sparkle,” says Twilight.

Lyra smiles, and looks around. Her eyes go this way and that and Twilight starts to get worried. Then she notices: she's never seen Lyra before.

“You want a tour?” Twilight offers gesturing to everywhere. Lyra smiles and nods her head and they start on their tour. Twilight shows Lyra everywhere from a great view of the royal palace where Princess Celestia lives, to the graffiti in the girls’ restroom.

Afterwards, they have to get to class. Twilight waves and gallops to her classroom, happier then she's ever felt. But then that all changes; right at the classroom door is Middie. And from the look in her eyes, she isn’t here to give her some cupcakes.

“I don’t know what that pony sees in you but trust me, it won’t last long,” Middie says, and with that she picks up Twilight with magic, throws her inside a locker and closes the door.

Just as class is about to start, the locker door opens. Twilight looks up to see Lyra standing there, a suprised look on her face. Twilight jumps out of the locker and runs to class, getting there just in time.

Middie glares at her from across the room as Twilight takes her seat. Twilight winks at her, then pays attention to their teacher.

After school Twilight starts to walk home when someone taps her on the shoulder. Thinking it's Middie, Twilight cringes, remembering earlier that day. Slowly she turns around to see Lyra standing behind her.

"Hey," Lyra says. "Why were you in my locker his morning?"

Twilight blushes a little. "That was yours?"

"Well, yeah."

"Most ponies don't use their lockers, that's why its the perfect place for Middie to trap her victims," Twilight explains.

Lyra shakes her head. "You're talking about her like she's a creature from the Everfree Forest. Remember, she's just another pony."

"By the way she acts you'd think she was from the Everfree Forest," Twilight grumbles.

Lyra rolls her eyes. "What I'm saying is she has the exact same weaknesses as you. It's not like she's Princess Celestia and is more powerful than everything else in Equestria, she's just one unicorn."

"Hey Twiley, don't leave without your big brother!" Shining Armor calls from behind them. Twilight giggles as he ruffles her hair. "Who's this?"

"Hm? Oh, this is Lyra; She's new." Twilight gestures toward her new friend.

"Well, I'm glad to see you with a buddy, just don't forget about me." Shining Armor smiles. "Hey, didn't you just move in down the street?"

"Yes, I did," Lyra confirms.

"Cool, so you'll be close by. Well, here's our house. Glad to meet you." Shining Armor said as he turns to his and Twilight's house.

"Glad to meet you too," Lyra nods.

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hawthornbunny

hawthornbunny #1 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

It's okay, and I like the idea, but it needs a bit of work.

The most obvious problem is the tense - present tense is unusual for a story, and you seem to be having trouble yourself sticking to it, because there are points where you slip back into past tense. You're much better off sticking to past tense completely - there's rarely ever a reason to use present tense in a story, and it can be quite off-putting to some.

I'd also recommend using block paragraphs (each paragraph separated by a blank line) rather than your indented style. Block paragraphs are much easier to read, especially on a screen. Indented style tends only to be used on paper these days.

Finally, one thing that would improve this is more detail. It's very rushed - there's a whole conversation that could be had at the kitchen table, so that we get to see more of Twilight's relationship with her brother and mother, her feelings, etc. It jumps straight from breakfast to school, which is slightly jarring, and again, a missed opportunity to see Twilight and Shining Armor walk to school (or did they get the school cart? We don't know, because we don't know anything about where the school is, or what kind it is.)

Aside from that, I do like your Lyra, and the idea of her being schoolfriends with Twilight could be interesting. :)

sharpshadow

sharpshadow #2 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Maybe it should say "thrown inside of a locker" instead of "throws her into a locker...". To me, it sound like Twilight was slammed against it, instead of put inside of it.

englishwitch