Spike had always loved Rarity, from the day he first saw her. There were always reasons why it would not work, why he should just give up his crush and move on. He was too young, he was a dragon, he had never caught her eye the way she caught his. Spike had planned around them all, after all what great romance is complete without a few obstacles? But when Rarity says she will be opening a boutique in Manehattan Spike finds that this is one obstacle too many.
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I also would like a lot more Spike episodes.
What a sweet but sad story. I liked it a lot. Great job!
First like!
Unnecessary open quote.
I think this sentence needs some rewording... and some context.
You can use that extra open quote before "nothing."
I suggest a comma after "Spike."
The way that you format dialog makes me nervous. "So," she asked, "doesn't she already have one in Canterlot?" If the "doesn't" begins a new sentence then it should be capitalized. I know it's okay grammatically to capitalize "she," but it just throws me off, especially since you use an uncapitalized "he said" a few lines later. I suggest you experiment with it and see what you think.
hers
Now, what follows here isn't a new sentence, but of continuation of "But Manehattan," so I suggest using a comma instead of a period.
Forgot the "i" in Fillydelphia.
I'm
Period instead of the comma.
Once again, this isn't a new sentence, just the continuation of another. I wouldn't capitalize "let's."
Extra space.
Okay! Enough with the grammar bits! Kudos, Caleb, on knowing to use Starlight to frame this story. Having Spike be alone during it would have sounded too "whiny" and all of the Mane characters are too close to the situation, have lived with it too long, to be sympathetic. I like the balance that you found between using her character and advancing Spike's narrative. She really was the perfect choice for this and you used her well.
It was heart-breaking to see how thoroughly Spike had planned things out, and how he saw how clearly the house of cards was being toppled. The ending was especially poignant for me, as "Spike is never allowed to be a kid" has been one of the things that bothers me the most about his portrayal in the series. I don't know if his crush on Rarity is really the reason for it, but you certainly make an effective case, and seeing him actually play with kids his own age, something we've only rarely see him do (if at all) was a bitter-sweet way to end the piece.
I'll certainly be sending this up to some Spike groups, and I hope it does well for you.
.... one huge flaw in this fic, Rarity open a boutique in Canterlot and yet she still in ponyville she just hire someone to work there. I'm sure she will hire someone for the manehattan branch as well.
This was an overall good story. I didn't enjoy the prose much, it felt somewhat stilted and unnatural, but the dialogue was excellent. I agree with everything The Descendant said.
7144702 Not a flaw. He's not actually upset about Manehatten specifically, he's upset because he's realized that her boutique empire will grow and grow, so that even with many employees running each individual boutique, she'll be too busy managing those employees to spend time with him. He may or may not but exaggerating how little time she will have, but given how obsessions work, his reaction is not unrealistic.
7144406 2400 words and only 10 grammatical mistakes? I must be improving. Seriously though, thanks for the pointers. I actually did the fixes a while ago and meant to reply the next day but a couple of surprise 60 hour weeks left me with zero energy,
You may be giving me a bit too much credit in how I knew to use Starlight. Really I just took the path of least resistance with the moral I wanted to write a story about. You make some pretty good arguments to prop up what I wrote but I didn't really plan it out that much. I just had something I wanted to write about. It does sorta bother me too that Spike doesn't get to be a kid I actually thought back to the cutie mark episode from season 1 and realized that Spike is younger than Applebloom. I loved seeing him become friends with Ember and win the Bloodstone Scepter, but I almost prefer to see him just play a game of tag with the CMC.
7147480 I see where your coming from on that, it gets a bit choppy and the wording and overall voice for Spike isn't as consistent as I would like. It does improve massively on the first draft though and for that I'm happy with it. Maybe one day I'll have time to come back and polish it up, but with how my boss is being that won't happen anytime soon.
Pffft... Who needs Rarity?
Spike already has somepony glimmering at his side.
If you know what I mean *nudge *nudge *wink *wink
Oh, yeah, and Sweetie Belle, too.
7351247 If you don't know rage, you can tell someone to fuck off and it'll feel like they're a kiss, but don't chastise a child until you actually love them a little better than this.
Spike was right because he made Torch mad by teaching friendship to dragons, and he didn't want a phoenix for a servant unless it came back.
A bad parent doesn't want to lay eggs.
Nice job. Definitely a good read.
7193929
Dragons age differently than ponies, and in Pony years he's 7-10 years younger than Twilight according to Jim Miller and according to a flashback in the series Sweetie Belle was only 5 by the time Rarity became an adult. He's probably older than the CMC regardless, and at season 6 he was a teenage dragon, given the fact he was one of the dragons who was eligible to compete in the Gauntlet of Fire. I'm pretty sure all of the dragons competing were teenage dragons. Also the MLP Wiki says he's 20 by the time MLP: IDW was released.
Childhood crush huh?
You can has review!