Dan Farley was a navigator, a civilian pilot for a corporate colonization firm. He was technically an officer in the command crew, but as the most junior of his peers, Held no real authority. He loved his job however, Exploring distant planets, and seeing the vastness of space. Now, However, He's the only living member of the command crew. Which Makes him acting captain, and the leader of the survivors of the CMF Proud Mary. He will be the the one to initiate first contact with the strange, Numerous, alien races of the planet....and with no way home, Can he forge a place for his people among them?
Chapters (4)
7279101
Ey
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Good story
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Continue
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The only issue I have with this story is that there is no language barrier
Looks OK so far.
I'm liking where this is going!
Please educate yourself in the proper use of Capitol Letters; other than that, good first chapter.
nice work so far, hope to see more soon
7279531 I know proper use, I just have meat hands.
Too many "he"s in the description. Poor quality description almost always denotes poor quality story, and just turns me off from the whole thing.
7279616 Thank you for your honesty. I'll try to fix it later, but right now I've gotta get to bed.
Very good with great grammar. Just the capital letters need work but still love this so far.
Love it so far. Just some capitalization errors, but still good overall. This holds a lot of promise. I'll be following this. Can't wait for the next chapter!
7279654 sure, no problem, just trying to pass along small Peace's of advice, and honesty without cruelty works better, in my opinion... though sometimes I have problems trying to not be cruel in my reviews
7279101 The real question is why they exploded in the first place, Federation technology...shames us all!
I love it
Can't wait for the next chapter
Good, but far too short - too little story happened.
Also, MOAR!!!!!!!!!
Feels extremely rushed. this should be at least 3 times as long if not longer. where's the build up, where's the context?
More.
like this a lot, hope it updates frequently
7279542
Not a bad start.
Overall, it's pretty rough and raw, and you should really consider an editor to help, but it's a rather intriguing first chapter with a lot of potential. I have the sense you're new to fiction writing from this, but that only means practice will give you great improvements.
I will be watching for more.
7285309 Not...New per-say but Definitely in need of assistance.
7285330 Well, you have a worthy start. Just keep at it and through time and practice, you shall blunt force trauma your way out of some of your errors. That's basically how I did it. And I say new due to the writing flow, the little errors and how you lay things out. Having been working on my own stuff for over two years now, I am just noticing things that slip past when getting the ball rolling. Some of them I recognize having done myself when I got started, honestly.
The concepts used thus far are quite fascinating, and later on, I'd say it deserves a revision to enhance the interesting bits already in place through even better wording. It really changes the entry point to your story when you do so, and is something I've also been through (and am still working on).
I like this. I encourage you to write more, because I will be sure to read it. You have my attention.
As for editor help, you might try putting up a post on the Looking For Editors group. Someone might be interested in providing assistance and a second pair of eyes (that acknowledge they have no real power over your story and are just wanting to help you do better) can dramatically impact your quality level. Certainly did for me.
7285413 Thanks. This is exactly the kind of comment I look for. I'm always trying to improve, and this really does help a lot. (frankly, I didn't realize there was a group dedicated to finding editors.) I'm also glad you liked the first chapter, short as it was. I may at some point lengthen it, to at least double it's current size. For now though, it's a good entry point. Trying to stay away from the gary stu pitfall that I seem to stumble into far too often, so I thought I'd try something different. A regular guy stuffed unwillingly into a leadership role at the worst possible time.
7285631 Well, don't fear cliches. Cliches and tropes (TVtropes) are only tools. Yes, the Gary Stu thing is much maligned, but even that can be played well and qualify, yet remain entirely enjoyable. Presentation and implementation can make or break even the most creative ideas, or make popular hits out of rampant cliche abuse. There's even a trope for it: TropesAreTools
I also took a quick peek at your other stuff to look at the publish dates. I will confess it took me a year before I think I was really starting to make good progress in shedding many of the common hiccups. A few months is not enough for most of us without focused training and a boatload of feedback. It's just the nature of the writing beast.
Oh, small tip from experience though. Never rush to publish. If you finish a chapter, give it a day and read it again while hunting for errors and bad wording. Possibly even a couple days to a week. Working alone, you often go blind to some problems because you're automatically correcting what your own eyes perceive just because you know what it's supposed to be already. Time away reduces your author-blindness. You have numerous capitalization errors when I looked, including Fluttershy's name in one spot that stuck in my head. Simple stuff that's easy to fix, if you look for it. Patience of a couple days, and one or more editing passes as a rule, is something that has served me well, even with someone now trading editing services with me to help (suggested the story and he sees potential too, by the way). You clearly have the capacity, but you won't polish up anything without elbow grease combined with smart effort.
Interesting Xenoblade X-style concept. Will follow.
A word of advice: embed the videos links. Rather than putting the actual youtube video in there, use BB Code to link it into the story itself in one way or another. Youtube videos are bulky and really break the immersion of a story. I also suggest an editor or, at the very least, a proofreader, to fix some of more obvious typos.
That said, this story has potential and I look forward to seeing where it goes. May or may not go over this and point at some typos later.
7296139 I laughed at that because I just got two Epic editors. New and improved chapter one will come out...eventually.
Where is the next chapter?
7316673 Soon...Maybe...Probably....
7317036 Good.
Is the next chapter in the works yet?
When are you gonna release the next chapter
AW YEAH! I'm loving this! Keep up the good work!
7419342 Thanks. I'll certainly try
7280174
There was an OIG report looking into that matter. It found a number of recent ship building contracts were awarded to the Irwin Allen Ship Construction Syndicate, a company notorious for developing submarines with large glass picture windows, misaligned warp drive coils and was well known for creating control panels that had the common flaw of detonating and destroying millions of dollars worth of system control consoles as a "cost-saving measure designed to protect a five cent fuse".
7419530 Speechless ...What more can i say.
7419556
"Lt. Torres" of the federation star ship Voyager?
Why so short?
I would like to suggest that you reduce the roundtable of replies where all of the mane six give their two cents one at a time. I personally find it annoying and I don't think it's a natural group action.
7420435 Wasn't she head of engineering? Surely a commander should be first officer?
May I have some more please?
Update this please?^_^
A word of advice with regards to grammar: you don't need to capitalise after a comma. Capital letters are for the start of a sentence, and for proper nouns (names, places, ships, etc.).
*Looks at Discord accusingly.*
Where is this sudden influx of sci-fi fanfics coming from? I mean, I'm thrilled, but it seems like there has been a sudden resurgence...
I question the numbers, 3000 people is more ponies than seem in ponyville.
Feeding and caring for them is going to take a truly massive effort, which hasn't really been mentioned.
8092114 They have supplies for a decade's worth of rations for 5000+ people to establish a colony in space. Even considering the damage, there are still considerable amounts of supplies and raw material.
Any chance you can space out your paragraphs? Just need an extra line between each. Everything seems to blend together without it.