RefugeInSilence
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I like the sound of this story and I can't wait to read the consequent chapters to follow. I am indeed intriegued as to where this may go. I am going to most definitely going to keep track of this story. This was an interestingly solid start and you have most definetively caught my interest.
I shall await for more whenever you decide to update this tale.
-Frost
you might want to change "Could" to "Couldn't"
7027159
Cheers I dunno how I missed that.
"Enjoy your time at Rares?"
that's *rite* of passage.
Well, i'll say this: she's much MUCH more pleasant than Mr. Hyde.
Anyone else think of that old lollipop ad with the owl?
I'm addicted to this already.
Someone's been reading Robert Louis Stevenson again, it seems...
You might want to change that to 'utter gall'.
7027362
I'm guessing, just wait until Twilight really gets rolling and then she's probably going to bring out the bondage and S/M. After all, she's got the memories of everything Dusk Shine's ever read and he's probably read much more than Princess Celestia has assumed.
...Hrm, should've finished up with Sweetie Belle saying "Your diary." for maximum hilarity
Your writing isn't exactly tops, but it's tolerable. I'll track it.
7027420 considering some depictions of Mr. Hyde, my point stands.
7028551
Thanks for the feedback, I'll consider making the necessary changes once I've done the next chapter.
and the names of those ingredients don't already raise a red flag?
since this is an anthro story, that might be true?
But i think you mean genes.
I'm trying to avoid throwing in the piles of missing commas, but this one is kinda important - as 'unable to move' is a nonessential clause (can be left out without making the sentence grammatically incorrect), it requires a comma separating it from the rest of the sentence.
Now how did Dulight know THAT? Mind magic is generally pretty serious stuff - you can pull this in third person omniscient, but in first person it's a right mess.
EDIT: The replacements to these lines are better, but part of the trade offs for first person perspective is that you don't get to hear other characters' thoughts, unless circumstances (such as telepathy or mind-links) make it a dialogue. In exchange, the reader gets to BE a participant instead of a floating camera. In essence, everything that we read in a first person section needs to be something that the perspective character (Dulight in this case) can observe. Perhaps use the fact that Mac's probably staring at hir wide-eyed to have Dulight observe hir reflection in Mac's eyes changing?
As for the latter line, you can simply cut the section off just after Twilight falls unconsious - she's the point of view at the time. If she doesn't observe something, neither should the reader. Adding information about Mac's motivations and thoughts is unecessary - if you can't show them through deed or through a section of his own, then they aren't really relevant enough to matter in a first person perspective. For example, the section immediately after this (Twilight awakens and infodumps her thoughts on the situation) could have been done from Mac's point of view, and been nearly identical, as neither gives the reader their thoughts at the time.
See prior comment - if you go with first person, commit to it.
That came out of left field. Why would Mac think that at that time? Twilight didn't drop any mention of Luna, nor had she mentioned anything regarding a crush. While Mac certainly could know this, there's no clear association that would make him think about it now.
The way of the mirror - the only TRUE way. 'Made my way to the mirror' is correct.
Pedestal.
EDIT: Now it's spelled right, but as it's a common noun in the middle of a sentence, it should be lowercase.
But either I failed to find anything unusual,
Dat ass be hogging all the adjectives. Spread 'em around a bit, be more generous. 'Tis elementary, darling!
'Rubbed and caressed faster,'
Too much to bear,
I wonder why
Odd. One would expect the stock comment regarding shy ones to come after a shy one makes a move on you, not the other way around. Perhaps it was Moony here that was doing the kissing? Except that it goes on to show that Moony's still not acting in a way that would provoke that comment. Unless Twi's referring to herself, which makes just about as much sense - she's doing all the nuzzling, but she's not an especially shy one. Either way, the comment's out of place.
Well THAT's hardly a fair bet, not that Twi knows it.
Overall, this is better, but still has issues.
and THAT should read more like
I'm sorry. it's just a quirk I've developed through the years.
Might want to change this to "I'm starting to hate being cooped up in here nearly all day."
I need more!!
Wait a minute, that was Luna, wasn't it?
Might want to change this a bit.
"Yer not gonna say something to Dusk about the whole jumping the gender gap thing?" Just a sugestion.
"That was all Duskie, I don't Know what causes it to happen."
Dude. When proofreading, go somewhere private and read this stuff out loud. You will pick up on errors like this much more easily when you can hear them, otherwise your brain fills in the blanks based on what you want it to say and you wont even notice them.
7031520
I agree. I also don't see any reason for Spike to listen to Twilight and Big Mac since he barely knows them. How can he be so sure that this isn't negatively affect Dusk in anyway? Even then there's no reason for him to not inform Celestia, Twilight's worried she'll freak out but that sounds very out of Celestia's character and who cares if it could save Dusk's life.
I've got to agree with Dark_Star.
This has amazing potential to be excellent, but the pacing has to be controlled. Scenes got to be longer and pauses of calm action and description between scenes are a must.
As it is, you barely finish unzipping your pants before the sex scene is already over.
Good chapter! Normally I don't read mature fics, but there's just something about this one that keeps bringing me back for more.
Here's a better version:
You see, I messed with something I shouldn't have, a simple spell - an enchantment, to be more precise - I was working on and to be fair it worked...only too well. I-I didn't mean to... I thought that if I could pull off Starswirl's unfinished spell then I could do this on my own. I'm paying the price for my mistake now, and ever since then the changes come at random. I still haven't worked out what brings it on, but each time...I lose myself.
...and each time the transformation lasts just that little bit longer. Originally it only lasted a couple of hours, but now I remain that way a full day...
"Dusk?" Spike, a small purple dragon, called out to the basement
I smiled in satisfaction as I mixed the ingredients. It was a pain to get a hold of them, but a little prodding here and there in the right places allowed me to get these extremely rare substances, and in some cases going out to actually gather the ingredients myself. Zecora, thankfully, was kind enough to point me in the right direction to find them and also showing me how to properly distill and prepare the herbs.
I made sure I used very precise measurements for this catalyst, sometimes it was good to be a perfectionist. I only had one shot at making it work - someof the herbs I used only grow once every fifty years.
The mixture glowed a faint pink, as it solidified into a crystal.
And what is this spell supposed to do? You have a pile of herbs you've mixed into a potion that you've allowed to crystalize, leaving you with a chunk of magically imbued crystal - which itself would be a separate recipe - and now you're going to enchant it... to do what? If it's supposed to be a charm to help with shyness, a piece of crystal's pretty unwieldly. You cut it into a gem and stick it on a bit of jewelry after enchanting, that leaves you with a bunch of little shards of enchanted gem - how are you going to get rid of those safely?
Y'know, there's already an alchemical concoction that helps with shyness. 'S called alchohol, or so I'm told.
the crystal was done at last and I was about to place it in the center of the pedestal.
if it can fuck up...it will, and in the biggest possible way.
Naming it Derpy's Law here... I approve.
I must have lost track of time. As I worked into the night creating the crystal, I didn't realize the moon was out, shining it's rays right on the crystal I was holding. This wasn’t good - the light of the moon was the next part in creating my enchantment, and I needed it to make the enchantment a permanent one.
...I thought Dusk was in the basement. Where's this moonlight coming from? Even the crystal castle of friendship would presumably be cloudy enough to be effectively opaque - otherwise, consider how little privacy he'd have. For that matter, Spike would've been able to see that Dusk was in the basement if it wasn't opaque.
You're holding the crystal, pup
. If you had tripped and dropped the crystal near a window, then you might get a pass. But this? Just move the bloody thing out of the way, or move between the crystal and the moon. You're worse than a Spark, at least they wait until a mechanical failure to be fatalistic.
I spoke too soon as the crystal exploded with a flash of blinding, lavender light. I was overwhelmed by the magic and thrown across the room like I was backhanded by an enraged Manticore.
And no, you didn't speak too soon. Speaking too soon is for people trying to claim that something won't happen.
This lab in the basement with a window that moonlight could come in from. You get Discord to design your castle or something?
...For that matter, IS this the crystal castle? We're in Ponyville, based on later chapters, but there's no clear indication of what structure this is. The treebrary wouldn't really be able to have basement windows - the basement there would be more likely a mere hole, and thus lack the stability needed to have a window along a ceiling. The crystal castle of Friendship could, but it doesn't really fit the general design asthetic.
I practically had to bend over backwards to get a hold of them.
Something seemed determined to not allow me to sleep
My heart was pounding - why did this feel so good?
By Celestia, I was practically radiating heat!
I could feel something building up throughout my body, starting from my stomach. It was drowning me in a sinfully pleasant feeling that washed over me from head to toe, the kind of feeling you could get addicted to...
and I couldn't help but reach down into my boxers...only to find nothing there, replaced by something moist.
My heart was racing at this new sensation, it was overwhelming my very being with utter bliss. With each caress, I was working myself up into a frenzy,
...I'm not sure what's going on here. Is this Dusk noticing that he's not caring that his bits are swapped, and being concerned that he isn't concerned? It almost sounds like it is, but the wording is just this side of gibberish.
If it is, then perhaps this would be a better way to put it:
A little voice inside me was concerned that I wasn't worried that my stallionhood was replaced by a now wet pussy, but it felt so good to touch and rub that I couldn't bring myself to care.
watching my usually short hair lengthen from the corner of my eyes.
I could hear something rip and tear. The seams of my boxers gave way as my widening hips and growing plush backside slowly filled out, getting plumper and fuller.
Each little pulse of growth giving off such a heavenly shock throughout my body.
I could feel my t-shirt tighten against my chest until, in the heat of the moment, I tore it off, groping and fondling my new found swelling chest, each caress and grope seemingly urging on the growth.
I could faintly hear the pitch of my voice soften
My waist narrowed, and everything else just seemed to snap into place.
I stood up, looked around a bit and stretched. What amazed me was the vision of beauty that greeted me in the mirror.
"I bet if anypony saw me now they'd probably want to fuck me silly."
I felt so confident and desirable.
I took a moment to look at my body. My mane and tail were still the same colour, as was my lavender fur.
you know what they say about the shy ones.
but I reconsidered as something naughtier came to mind.
Luna was making her way back to her room, tiredness setting in from the early morning hour. She let out a yawn as she entered her private chambers.
She was frustrated at her sister's attitude. Luna couldn't understand why Celestia kept her away from Celestia's prized student, Dusk Shine.
Celestia had some nerve invading her dreams...that was Luna's territory. She couldn't deny that the thought of, in her sisters own words, "Giving him the ride of a life time" appealed to her.
Luna knew she'd seen her somewhere before, but where...
I got up, stretching and spreading my wings, "The name's Twilight...Twilight Sparkle. Kind of fitting considering the time, don’t you think?"
Luna backed away until I had her back to the wall, my breasts pushing up against her own well endowed chest.
"B-back off at once!" or "B-back off this instant!"
All to yourself, to be the one in control, or would you rather watch while your guards have their nasty way with me?
I had to hand it to Lulu, she’s a tougher nut to crack than I realized.
Well you know what they say about having fun...
And suddenly we're in third person. Or do we have another previously unmentioned mystery mare lurking on the balcony?
It would explain why the window was open; I could remember feeling hot.
I guess having all that hard work crumble into dust just took it all out of me. I got dressed, and made a start on cleaning my lab before going back to the drawing board.
As I cleaned, I felt restless, like I was craving something, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I put it out of my mind - I could figure it out later, and I had work that needed doing.
I still felt tired and my wings still ached from exhaustion, though I didn't know why.
I still didn't know what that craving was, and to be honest it felt like I was suffering from some form of withdrawl.
"Great the princesses are coming..." I sat down in disbelief, though at any other time I would be excited. "What am I going to tell them? How badly the project failed? What the ingredients were for?"
"Now what would my faithful student need powdered desire, crystallized lust and liquid courage for?"
"Using alchemy as a base for an enchantment?"
I was under the impression that it was the moonlight that bestowed permanence, not use of alchemy.
How does your magic work?
"Well I wasn't going to use dark magic." I countered, "Ponies use alchemy in enchanting all the time; it's one of the safest practices in Equestria."
"That may be, Dusk, but remember that even the simplest alchemy comes at a price." Celestia reminded, "It's the First Law of Equivalent Exchange. For every working, something of equal value must be given in exchange." I shook my head and sighed.
Running on Fullmetal Alchemist rules then, at least partially
? A curious choice, and one that you'll need to reference in later chapters. Still doesn't really clarify the whole Alchemy + Enchantment = Permanent Enchantment. That's a lot of value to pay for - making an effect last until the destruction of its base reagent, or beyond?
"I didn't even get a chance to cast the spell to bind the enchantment."
next time, don't go behind my back about about stuff like this. I'm still your mentor, alicorn or not, Dusk."
"But nothing, Dusk. Creating a spell or enchantment from nothing is both dangerous and foolish without the proper guidance." Celestia scolded me like a child, "There is a reason I haven't taught you anything of that nature Dusk..."
Hey, there's that errant mind-reading effect again. Maybe that's our rogue enchantment?
Not sure that it'd really help with shyness, but I'm no mage.
"It would appear my sister had a rather risqué encounter with an unknown alicorn...
"Though I will be inquiring as to how a nude alicorn managed to sneak by the palace guard."
I do believe you've answered your question, Celly. Your guards were distracted.
Oh, but she DID attract attention, Dusk. That's how she got by
.
I shook my head at that stray thought, wondering where it came from.
The rest of the day was uneventful. I spent it cleaning up the remainder of the mess from last night's accident. Despite having slept until noon, I still felt drained.
this utterly overwhelming desire for more washing away all coherent thought.
The buttons of my shirt began straining against the expansiveness of my increasingly sensitive bust.
revealing thickening thighs, widening curvy hips and a swelling backside
...I'd offer correction, but while I can see this is erroneous, I'm not quite sure what she's doing. I mean, yes, she's walking, presumably to a mirror, but why? Why walk? Why look in the mirror? Is she compelled to do so? Did she catch a glimpse of herself and find herself unable to look away?
I loved being the centre of attention, you could say I thrived in it.
...Unless this is Twilight telling the tale- actually, that raises a good question. What's the framing device for all of this? Supposedly, Dusk is telling the story, but who are we? Why is he telling this to us? And how does he know about the Twilight sections? Or is Twilight taking over for those sections
?
Damn, observing that would almost be more fun than the tale itself... bah, enough existentialism.
Interesting... Someone's a bit more substantial than she's been portrayed.
Poor Spike, he's completely head over heels for her. I shook my head and rang the bell on the counter.
Someone doesn't know how to write Rarity.
Don’t get me wrong - the clothes Duskie always wore were comfy, but he really needed to be a bit more stylish. That bookworm look of his didn’t exactly do him any favours.
I wondered briefly if Luna would like me in any of these. Maybe later, but for now I was half tempted to visit AJ if I got some 'play time' tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I'll get AJ or that sexy brother of hers all to myself...everypony was trying to snatch him up, but then the strong silent type was definitely a turn on. He’s smart too - don’t let that farmhand look fool you, there’s a reason he’s in charge of the farm.
Spike finally got through the door. He could faintly hear the shower upstairs.
Spike shrugged, then caught a faint whiff of something in the air.
Smelting is what you do to ore to turn it into ingots. Smelled is the right conjugation, but the above phrasing combines the sentences more effectively.
Spike gave me a confused look
Interesting phrasing... it implies that Dusk has previously had... gender issues. Are these points intentional?
"I've seen the way you sneak a peek of her ass every now and then."
While her thighs might be described as mountainous, peak is the wrong homophone.
I walked off to my room, not noticing the sway in my hips.
"It's...t-that hussy that came here earlier!"
Derpy's Law
Those two words made me laugh.
Tracking and thumbs up for that and of course the Story.
7031185 no shit shirlock
You know for Dusk to be as smart as he is, he's really dumb. Like come on! You get black outs repeatedly for the past few weeks (I think) and for some reason this mare shows up and you started to look more feminine and stuff. And most importantly, SHE LOOKS LIKE YOU! Kinda... Honestly, you need to beat the truth over his head for him to find out.
Okay my rant is done, awesome chapter. Is it wrong that I'm getting a feeling that Cadence and Dusk... Errm Twilight are going to to have sex with each other? If you think about it if it wasn't for Shining she would of done it.
7080550 I think he kind of knows, but is in denial and refuses to connect the dots
7080550
Well you'd be surprised how little common sense a person can have despite how smart they are. I think Twi's caught Cadance's attention so that may be a thing in a future chapter. Addictions can be a hard thing to shake off once you've had a taste after all.
7080578 please write more chapters I really love this story and I want to read more and more of this story and u can write a sequel to this story it is that awesome
Pretty good, though I'm kind of disappointed that Twilight didnt get to screw Shining Armor and or Cadence.
This fic just keeps getting better and better! I have a feeling that Twilight is going to try and have sex with Fluttershy, isn't she?
next few chapters please if can find the time I'm really love this story
I like this. Nice spin. Just hope this whole Mac Dusk thing keeps going. C;
Wow, good chapter!
Hahahaha! That part cracked me up!
next few chapters if u can find the time to do so that is
Could that be considered a kind of 'team-building exercise'?
I feel that Dusk is getting the short end of the stick in the story so far. Twilight is getting everything she wanted and Dusk seems to have resigned himself to believe there is nothing for him.
I'm curious what will happen when Dusk learns Luna still want to be with him (and that Celestia may also be interested in him). Will he start to fight with Twilight to be with Luna while Twilight wants to be with Mac?
7190136
You have raised a very good point, and yes I admit it does seem like he's getting the short end of the stick like you said. So I'm just going to point one thing out as a bit of a tease. Like Twi has said she and Dusk are two sides of the same coin and they influence each other without realising it. I'm very sure you caught a few moments when Twi is acting like Dusk and the other way round.
It's one of the reasons I wrote this from Dusk and Twi's persective in 1st person, so the reader wasn't entirely sure which of the two was the dominant side at the present time.
7190272 next few chapters please that is if u can to do so that is
Awesome!
This is awesome! So funny!
next few chapters please if u can find the time to do so that is
First, Dang!!! Cadence is scary! And second poor Rarity.... Great chapter btw
Okay, I managed to follow it... barely. The jumping personalities is starting to get a bit confusing. Oh well. It's a good story regardless, so I'll live.