Anon; Ponyville's Most Renowned Escort

- Second Person Point of View in Fluttershy's perspective -
After breaking down and getting a chance to go out with Anon, Fluttershy slowly learns that Anon isn't the true gentleman she wished for.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 6
- Newest First
- Oldest First

The Story Man

The Story Man #1 · Feb 26th, 2016 · 1 · ·

The story was fairly short, but that makes sense as the actual plot is fairly simple. A few small changes could make things flow a little better. Firstly, there should be an action sentence at the start to establish the reader as not being anon, and to show where things are. Rarity could also be a little more embarrassed when she's warning Fluttershy, since right now she's just mysterious and yet tells fluttershy to wait and listen when she's leaving, which seems to counter that.

Very few errors in the story, and only that stuck out to me ("Out of all the ponies, I did not wanted you to be like this."), so that's pretty impressive in its own way.

In your next stories, I'd recommend having some spaces in your dialogue sections, because when you read dialogue, your mind unconsciously speeds up as it goes on. Adding in non-speaking/modifier sections make it feel more natural and help picture the scene in your head. You do seem to have a good grasp on modifiers though, given the ones at the start cleverly describe how ridiculous Fluttershy looks.

mtf0330

mtf0330 #2 · Feb 26th, 2016 · · ·

I feel sad for her. I really love fluttershy, and to see her get hurt makes me feel depressed.

Fifty Shades of Yellow

Fifty Shades of Yellow #3 · Feb 27th, 2016 · · ·

6977052
If it makes you feel any better, there was some more detail afterwards to the story, but that was tucked away so that I could focus on other stories. ~~Especially one that was meant for Valentines Day, which is still being completed as of this moment.~~ Aside from that, I can, however, post the rest of this story to give that "conclusion" you sort of wanted, but it might be less than a thousand words.

mtf0330