Mainly focused on Fluttershy; however, that doesn't mean I won't try someone else.
- Second Person Point of View -
You've been friends with the main six for years. It was questionable at first, but they did get used to you and inversely. The last year has been strange when you hang around them. It isn't until Apple Bloom confronts and tells you about what is the problem. There has been a bet placed for you, each of the main six will have their way to make you kiss them, claiming the winner and taking you as their boyfriend.
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I'm generally not a fan of second person stories, but I decided to give your's a try. The concept seems interesting, and I've always liked Applejack. However, there are a couple of sentences in here that seem very incoherent, I think you could make this an amazing story if you were to simply slow down, and just do a simple read through, maybe ask someone else to read through it as well. All of my issues with this story are strictly grammatical and spelling issues. A short list of a few of the more glaring issues:
I feel like the sentence should read "You haven't hung around with many, just a few people here and there."
The end of this sentence doesn't agree with the beginning, I think "You've visited everyone's house before, but you've rarely entered Applejack's." or something to that effect would work a bit better.
I'm sorry if I have come across as rude, and if I have then I sincerely apologize, it was not my intention to be rude nor condescending.
Interesting story.
Nice chapter. Really liked AJ's character.
I like the premise.
But the whole chapter feels like it should be the description.
Also re-read Fluttershy's "text" it kinda doesn't make sense.
I have some constructive feedback if you want it.
Otherwise, I will still read
quickmeme.com/img/7f/7fa6b0be9d5614e6e8aa57089f47c718ec462a462188bb1b058a1456cfd02d12.jpg
I'm really looking forward to see how this turns out. Well done thus far!
Nice to see that all of you are enjoying it so far.
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Thank you for pointing those out. I don't have anyone that reads the material before I release it, so some mistakes slip out.
Liked the idea and the story is nice too. Just feel like maybe you should have build up the intro a bit more to
give readers details on your version of the characters and their interactions with each other. Overall its still
a nice read.
Wow, Shy really is unlucky. I like how she is more confident than her canon counterpart
I like it but parts are still choppy.
"accidentally Apple Bloom's room". Are you saying that it's her room by accident? Or she herself is an accident?
I knew what you were trying to say when we were climbing the attic ladder, but it was a little unclear
"From what you’re looking at is a dark entrance and some nice form-fitting fabric."
Doesn't quite make sense. Know what you are trying to say but this doesn't work.
Also your not really painting it for me. Is she wearing jeans and a t-shirt? A shorts? A leotard? Set the scene!
Also...
"She takes it away and throws it in my chest."
What was the point of that? She takes it away and throws it back at you?
I sure you meant 'the' not 'my'
Still, like it. A sweet moment with the hand and lean in.
Another cute chapter!
However,
"pops open and spurts over the bitch. Although, it looks like a female… You don’t judge by a name. The last time you fucked with a Boxer named Alex did screw you over."
That just seemed gratuitous. Didn't really have any real point or addition to the story plus I have no idea what you were trying to say.
The tub thing was good! Even the wet shirt thing, because it added to the story and allowed Fluttershy to be forward when she verbally wouldn't.
Whose next?
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Thank you, I will have those fixed later today.
While on the matter of the story, I will take my time to get the third part out.
6003267 great! Can't wait!
Liked the caddy chat between the foiled girls and those still "in the running." But I was expecting Pinkie to make a move! But nothing?
Things to fix?
"Rainbow says to add salt to the womb." Unless Dash is attempting to make AJ sterile its "wound".
"...mismatched or bits of flower still all powdery.” Switch to "flour"
"cut his short, but I got to go.” - "this"
Who is next?
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It was more subtle than the other two, but it was clearly there.
Thank you for once again helping me with the errors.
Sorry mate, I can't let anything out until that part is completed.
My guess is that Dash is next?
6048738 Ooop! I see it! Subtle yes, too subtle compared to a heartfelt conversation and a wet tshirt. But it's cute.
Hmmmmmm I'm gonna say Rarity
Is this still alive? Don't leave us hanging!
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Good try,
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Impressive guess.
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I wouldn't do that. This one was a bit more challenging than the other ones, and it just might get even harder with the next one.
I am loving this story. So many fun times, keep up the good work.
The climax is gonna be awesome. The way you are building up the finale is just awesome.
Good deed for the day = complete.
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It seems that I can't go through one update without making an error. Anyway, thank you.
Something tells me that Anon's SO going to be in the doghouse tomorrow.
Wow, Twilight looks beautiful (2nd picture) and sexy (1st pic). Hope to see how the guy deals with the love aftermath.
I think one of the way for anon is he going to choose neither the hair 6 but i think he will choose sunset shimmer i guess.
I want results
plot twist he picks applebloom.
Will there be a update soon?
So, is an update coming?
I would be a lot more aggressive towards them, considering that there playing childish games to win my heart, well guess what!? I FUCKING HATE when people do stuff like this towards me, makes me feel like nothing but a useless toy that is endlessly being argued over by a bunch of 5 year olds that can't share. If they think they can win my heart, will them fuck them, there just making our relationship worst!
If that was me, there will be a shit ton cursing tomorrow, like how I knew about there game the entire time, and then there anus's better be ready for tons of cursing including, Fucker, load of shit, goddamn, and MUCH MUCH more, Hehehehehe, you have unleashed my inner demon.
WE NEED AN UPDATE AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Bitch, it better be fluttershy, yall know what happens when you don't love fluttershy
it will be cool if in the end it is us hou kiss 1 of them. (I hope its sunset shimmer if she is in it)
Either he's gay
Or he fancies sunset
Can't wait for the next chapter!
how come pinkie pie and fluttershy doesn't have pictures
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I am questioning with you my friend answer please?
6476535 Or he doesn't like being held as some kind of trophy to be won?
i.imgur.com/uu9pmDPh.jpg
GET REKT
6391340 Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger.
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Okay! The numbers don't lie on how many people want this. I will get the conclusion out very soon, seeing that I don't have any reason to keep this in-completed and it does need a conclusion that I've been holding on for months, so give it a day or so.
Also, the ideas you guys have are overwhelming to me, nicely done.
Oh man this is just getting good bro can't wait to see what happens at the end of it getting so delicious I just can't wait
I want fluttershy to win.
Twist: Anon and sunset are a thing already.
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...a day or so.
IT'S BEEN SIX WEEKS
Consider this story tracked but.... Do you need/want an editor?
I really want you to finish this story.
Just let me grab some popcorn, get a chair. ' Sits down, and motions with his hand.' Go on.