The Amateur
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It's a short chapter, but it has a decent hook. This has some nice flavor, though it seems a little bit 'gamey'. Some people like that, but it can be jarring. Still, you have some grasp of making fun characters and scenes. Have you played the old games, because while 13 is an unlucky number, it is the vault from the old games so there are expectations to be had.
Anyway, this was a fun little chapter and I look forward to seeing more.
6796544 Thank you, first off, for the comment and critique!
I understand the 'gamey' element to this story is noticeable. Though I tried to emphasize the story I wanted to tell over the game that inspired it, I may have gained a bad influence from Fallout 2 and all its fourth wall breaks. Forming this story's identity separate from the inspirations will be my primary challenge these beginning chapters.
I can see where you are coming from with the use of '13' for the stable. Such expectations are justified, I think. The story I have in mind plays more on the world of the first two Fallouts and their themes than the Bethesda titles. I will keep those expectations in mind, regardless, as I revise the next chapters.
6796544 Well there is a contradiction in your response. Kkat's story may be based upon the Fallout universe, but she created an entire universe by her own imagination. The Fallout: Equestria story will always be the canon story that writer need to take note of when writing their piece, for obvious reasons. The previous games of the Fallout franchise have nothing to do with the FO:E universe, therefore Amateur is allowed to make Vault 13 in any way he/she wants it to be.
6799579 Anything is fine in writing. There are no rules. They can defy FOE's canon, they can defy fallout, they can defy my little pony, and if it is interesting, then it is worthy of praise. However, being good is sadly not the only way that a story is evaluated. When publishing stories, they will be subject to the audience that reads them, and if popularity is the goal, then understanding people's expectations should be taken into account of things. Just as you expect that any FOE story respect Kkat's canon "for obvious reasons", those who have spent a lot of time with the old fallout games and have strong established feelings about places correlative to Vault 13, we will have expectations about how things unfold. The author can do what ever they like, but they should take consideration of expectations of the audience when playing the game of popularity.
If you want to continue this discussion, I would say handle it in pm. We should be respectful of the author.
A skyline of mutilated towers stood out to the east. Likely the ruins of a pre–war city. Encompassing half of the skyline beyond the city was a cloud wall black as coal, which lit up with frequent streaks of lightning. Out to the south, I spotted another city, one atop a hill. Further west were mountains high enough to pierce the cloud cover.
Nice description of the area. Very reminiscent of FO3's beginning, for obvious reasons.
With how scared the outside pony was, I figured it would be in good spirit to offer a smile. Somehow, that only made the stranger shake and slowly backpedal. Before I even noticed the gun in her mouth, I began speaking to her, “Why hello there––”
––then the revolver suddenly kicked back into my teeth. Having forgotten to steady my own weapon, I took the full brunt of the recoil into my noggin. My tongue had pulled the trigger on an impulse. Now was really not the time for amateur mistakes!
"Oops."
Very sharp, very sudden. A very interesting and notable character establishing moment.
Seeing the other pony’s body stumble and fall, dead on the spot, gave me a chilling sensation as though this display foreshadowed my own impending death. It helped little that she looked so much like myself.
Very nice writing there.
The one time I make a clean shot, it kills the mare from… Stable 13? The ‘Stable Dweller’ I shot, an earth pony, wore an armored jumpsuit labeled ‘13’ and armored saddlebags; the first broadcasts did mention a Stable 2, not a 13. So this pony was not her.
An interesting, roundabout way of telling the audience that Comet is an earth pony.
PipBucks were the gamebreaker in the struggle of Wasteland life.
That's a very distinct juxtaposition between the opening commentary Littlepip has about her own Pipbuck, even better establishing the difference between Comet and Littlepip.
I knew next to nothing about what the colors meant, but if I heard more I could discern who the party was.
When in doubt, fake it til you make it. Or, in this case, bluff your flank off until you figure it out.
“Hold up. There’s somebody in there.”
Oh snap, somepony with a Pipbuck who isn't a Stable pony?
“Look. Green glow in that window.” The PipBuck! I forgot to turn it off!
Aww.
Now I had them. I was the Stable Dweller, and I commanded respect… and payment. “You’re not asking me for company… uh…”
Another interesting comparison between the real Stable Dweller and Comet.
Thankfully, no one could tell from a first glance when a pony has no clue which end the bullet comes out of.
A bit of inconsistency between this and the earlier section about Comet carefully putting her gun down after shooting the poor faux Stable dweller. Comet's clearly handled (hoofled? No?) guns before, and even used them... even if she never hit anything that's not smiling at her.
“I can’t believe a stable pony is extorting money from me… Alright. Deal.”
My thoughts exactly.
Perks
Others are more likely to hand you errands… I mean quests.
Hell yeah, fetch quests. Everyone loves a good fetch quest, right?
The one thing that stuck out to me, is that Stable should be capitalized.
Comet is a fascinating, very distinct character who is both very different from the normal character, and a case of a protagonist who isn't edgy or evil, but is definitely not a nice pony.
This is the first Fallout Equestria story I find with the Raindrops tag. I hope it will be good, let's start.^^
Love the reference to the king. Just great
7061794 I am glad you enjoyed it! I could not resist throwing in the pop culture references in this chapter.
this is pretty awesome! keep up the good work! its amazing
7094654 Thank you so much for the compliment! Should luck look favorably upon me, chapter 6 should be up within the following week.
The king reference was a little unneeded, but it will prove good if he turns up later on. I just feel enough time was devoted to that character to not be a throw away one.
As always, the primary joy of your stories are your characters. you define them fantastically and each one breathes their own life. I love their contrasting personalities, mannerisms and even in the way they speak.
Your locations however, for all your descriptions, seem to be devoid of a lot of life. They feel like places to pad through but they dont feel like homes of anypony else. so maybe some more interaction with locals on a personal setting in terms of description is needed.
I like the characters names, and the slavers themselves really stuck in my mind. if they dont appear later on in the story, I will be sorely disappointed.
Fantastic chapter, keep it up!!!
7098607 First of all, thank you kindly for the feedback! To put your worries at ease, all characters introduced in this chapter will play a role later on in the story.
I had my doubts about how I crafted my characters, but it gives me relief to know that they were the highlight of the chapter. But the lack of life breathed into my locations is unforgivable. In the midst of planning out these chapters, I may have forgotten that the setting itself is a character that needs to be as fleshed out as the others. Rest assured, the next major settlement I write in - Celestia's Folly - shall be more engaging and lively.
I will take your comment into consideration as I prepare chapter 6.
7512789 Thanks for the pointer. It has been fixed.
I liked how this opened up much like Fallout 3 as I got pleasant nostalgia shivers. I got a bit confused when Comet shot the stable-dweller from 13, and had to re-read it a couple times, and honestly I thought it was a nice twist -- though I felt sorry for Eiffel. Likewise I like the premise of Comet, whom seems to be a mare that is geared more for deception and has a silver tongue, almost like the "non-violent" play-through games that rely on Speech and Barter to complete the game; which has me intrigued to see where this goes. At the same time my head spins with how many ways this masquerade can potentially blow up in Comet's face. Though I am wondering -- and this is likely something that is answered in later chapters -- how Comet managed for so long in the wasteland.
The only real errors I saw were a few missing words that made some sentences a bit wonky, but everything else is stellar. Descriptions are straight and to the point, though it would be nice to see a few more specific flares; a pre-war poster or advertisement, like many of the things you would find in the world to give it a little more life. They're fine as is for getting the job done.
This has earned an avid reader from me. Well done and I'm excited to see where this goes!
7705912 Thank you for the comment and fair critique!
I liked the action in this one, though I hope Nova learns how to shoot fast! The wasteland won't be too forgiving of that.
Creed Brook seems interesting so far, and anticipating to see where he goes from here. Likewise, with every character Nova meets and accompanies, I'm wondering about what's going to happen when they inevitably learn that she's not the Stable Dweller. It'll be a great test of friendship whether or not Creed and the others decide to stick by her side... or not. Makes me excited!
My only complaint would be that Creed's explanation of being a Dashite felt kind of forced, like exposition. It seemed a little unnecessary, given that Nova already knew what a Dashite was. I also liked how Buckner and the others in the city aren't immediately enthralled by her being the "Stable Dweller". I think it was a realistic reaction to the Stable Dweller's reputation, since she's done some things but nothing significant in the area.
I'm liking the reputation display that you have going on right now, and I'm interested in how that's going to grow and change chapter by chapter.
I apologize for how long it's taking me to get to reading these, but I am liking it so far.
Really good beginning, so much can spring from there. The plot twist was great. Comet is an interesting character and just is your version of the wasteland. I'm looking forward to the next chapters
One thing though, ponies usual use "somepony" instead of "somebody".
7905108 I am gladdened to hear you enjoy the story!
As for the pronouns, I figure it would be linguistically sensible to use the pronoun, "somepony," in a region predominantly populated by ponies. Likewise, it would be linguistically sensible to use the pronoun, "somebody," in a region populated by various different species.
How long did it take me to return to this story... blame school and work
I love the irony behind this masquerade and the "similarity" with original Fo:E plot. Still, you're able to insert yor own original touch to it, be it a brewery under siege or a shovel as the main weapon. I'm looking forward to the surprises hidden in the next chapters! Hopefully it won't take me a few month to continue reading...
Anyway, I'm glad to be back as this chapter was a great read with an occasional laugh!
Why is this rated M?
8184626 Based on Fimfiction's standard for the mature rating:
As "extreme violence" is par for the course in Fallout: Equestria content and present in the story, the mature rating is applied.
Took me some time to get around to starting your story, but this was a great opening! I love when characters can skillfully talk themselves in and out of situations, and I'm intrigued to see just how Comet will manage being "the Stable Dweller."
Sounds like an interesting story...
Okay, this earned a real laugh.
All caught up! Gotta say, I really enjoyed what I've read. Despite being a bit wary of Comet at the beginning, I've come to like her as a character and even sympathize with her. She strikes me as someone who, deep beneath all the deceit, bravado, and smooth-talking, is really quite lonely. I hope things will eventually work out for her... and that she might make an actual friend by the conclusion as well ;)
Your humor is top-notch and the "corporate raider" concept is unique and utilized well. Bravo on the work you've completed, and I'm excited to follow along whenever you continue!
Heya! Sorry it took me so long to get back to providing some feedback. Firstly, I really enjoyed the chapter. The bait-and-switch opening was great, and I commend your creativity. In regards to the 'gamey' aspects, I respect their creative implementation. There's an odd sort of stigma in most western literature against playing with the medium. So many think that if the story in question can't make all of its impact through a standardized format, it somehow falls short. I've never understood that viewpoint; creative experimentation doesn't always work, but when it does (as it does so here), it can lead to a lot of fun avenues. I'd say paint the medium as much as you wish.
Welp time to see what this story is all about. nyxOs spoke highly of it, and I had plans to go look at it anyway with it being part of Project Revival so lets see if a new wave of feedback can't get the wheels rolling once again!
So done with the first segment of the story, and I must say that was a very skillfully made intro! Not only do you get us hooked in the first line of the chapter, you explain what the plot is in one of the most natural ways that I have ever seen, bravo! Then do you go on and explain how the main character looks in one of the most natural flowing ways that I have seen so far. Normally would I moan and groan at the lack of an prologue chapter to introduce us to the setting, because that is the only area where I accept info dumping and hate later exposition, but seeing how smooth that start is do I have high hopes for how the story will be told already!
… SQUEE! JUST SQUEE! I won't go into details because it would spoil too much, but I have been looking for a story to do what you just did in the start of the second segment for ages! You had my curiosity, but you have my attention now! Instant fav!
Nitpicks:
This is the area where my work damaged editor brain points out small typos and such that slipped trough and got published.
" Just the thoughts of what it could for me made me skip on the trail back down." pretty sure it is missing a "do"
" With a luscious voice that mesmerizing to listen to" missing a was
I do really not know why so many stories have an allergy to jump forward in the story and show us the plot properly. When I saw the relative short length of the chapter were I fearing for a short moment that nothing would be said or done with so few words, but skipping the normal travel time between objectives that so many other writers focus on is just yet another sign that shows that you clearly knows what you are doing.
Was that a "Worlds End" reference? Will we getting easter eggs in the form of cornettos from now on? One can only hope!
A raider gang made out of the descendants of a megacorps copy right lawyers… Now that is the humor that I know and love from the old Fo games. From the good old days where plants played chess and where a traveling merchant such as Eye Candy would fit in perfectly. God I sure hope that Eye Candy is a returning character and that someone actually will buy something from her in the future!
Why am I getting the slow feeling that Comet is slowly becoming a better and better person, while Angel are falling down from graze, getting more and more extreme as time goes on, and that the thought of death to all is a slowly loading chekhov's gun
Ohh and FIRST by the way!
Welp, last chapter for me today, and it seems that I ain't the only one there are noticing that there are something off about how the characters are acting.
I do not know why it took me so long to realize it, but why have no one questioned er race yet? I mean there is quite the difference between an unicorn and an Earth pony after all.
9679489
I appreciate the commentary and feedback you have been providing me on the past few chapters! And I am happy to know you are enjoying the story so far.
In each good lie are there a core of truth, its easier to edit a true story after all than making up one on your own, so I wonder which parts of the slaver saving was true and which were truths prettied up. I could see hiring a person to feed a high standing griffon an apple could put you on a black lists with the Talons.
So all of these corporate raiders... Any change of getting a side stories only with them? I would love to hear about the business adventures of a new upstarting merchant group in that town! I am serious, I would love seeing way more of this setting, its so Fo that it hurts not to get to see a closer look of it.
Sniffle, I am getting closer and closer to catching up with the story. I sure hope that you soon will write some more! I have read my fair bit of different FoE stories, and yours are something unique, a lovely well told tale which danger level dosn't explode into the atmosphere in some silly way. I have honestly only found one other story that felt so... well "believable".
Nitpicks:
"There better be something valuable to pilfer from this place." Pretty sure that you had a tense slip up here
"That meant there were all sorts of important war–time artifacts gathering dust in here. " And here as well
"No mechanical whirring or gun clicking or lazer charging" laser
"All the bullets wound up hitting the door frame," The "bullets" of a shotgun is called "lead" or "shots"
Even more sniffle, I quite liked the corporate ponies, and will once again say that I would love, love, love a side story following a business adventure, no matter if it failed or succeeded.
Nitpicks:
"As it turned out" You have a linebreak mistake here."
" When we do get confronted," Should it not be would?
" We completed the handshake, " hoofshake, way less tasty than a milkshake
Welp, that was a surprisingly short, and a surprisingly weird chapter, and a really really bad place to give a cliffhanger and not update on the story! For the love of god and all there are holy, please go back to writing so we can figure out what the hell the backstory of Comet is!
Nitpick:
" There’d need to be something that keeps them everyone in line.”" Either or, not both.
9689551
I've been getting back to work on the next chapter actually. Part of the long wait was reconfiguring the overarching story and characters. Your feedback is welcome encouragement!
9690689
I do only have one Thing to say to that... Yush!
Great read! Looking forward to more chapters!!
Eeeey, Nova Scotia is back baby! Truely, what a time to be alive! Thank you so much for this awesome chapter, and I hope you and your family are safe during this ongoing crisis.
Welp, I am up to date with the story yet again and can't wait to get more of it, even if it seems like all of the mega corps are in the past, sniffle!