Nova Blaze: a probationary student, Rainbow Dash: class representative, Thunder Quill: a prodigy who picked the wrong day to be absent from class, Mix-up: a Prench exchange student, Skye Mist: a heated mare with a learning disability, and Lunar Love: a mare much more interested in relationships than school, these are the members of Class F, and in the quest for a better learning environment (or the quest for a better environment for sleeping and gaming), Class F is determined to win the Summoner Test Wars and nab Class A's recliners, laptops, and free snacks. (Which may or may not be used for studying).
Awesome Cover Art by: Mix-up
Link to his Deviantart page: http://amalgamzaku.deviantart.com/
Chapters (2)
Not bad, but could use some editing, a little more interaction with the characters perhaps, along with some spacing between paragraphs. Also you mention several other characters in who goes to which class, but some of them aren't mentioned until just then in the story. Best way to fix this would be either to introduce them earlier in the story or not mention them and save their introductions for when they appear in the story itself.
With the Mane 6, might help to introduce them as a group before jumping into the test itself, like a short intro of their goals, who they are and all that good stuff. Doesn't need to be pages of exposition, just enough to give us a sort of quick glimpse into them.
Same with the OC's could use a little more of them, including Nova if he's meant to be the Akihisa of the group, having the teacher just say to his face he's stupid seems a little too out of nowhere, some indication or mention he's dumb, beyond that one problem perhaps.
Also with the class listing, could do that in a different way like this
Class A: Name, Name, Name
Class B:
Etc. Makes it easier to read is all I'm saying.
Not bad, just saying it' looks a little clustered and could use some spacing, along with some additional details and such. Some more character interaction is what I mean. Just providing my thoughts is all.
6827161 Well the lack of character interaction stems from the fact that it's mostly just the test taking place in this chapter, also nopony really knows eachother yet outside of the mane 6. The next chapter will focus exclusively on character development.
6827248
I get that and the character interaction isn't a major thing, though the spacing and way the classes are announced could be altered is all i'm saying.
Mostly just to keep it from looking to cluttered is all.
Aside from the grammatical and stylistic errors mentioned by 6827161, this is moving quickly into interesting territory. I look forward to seeing how the story plays out.
Let's do this Class F!
Edit: Oh, yeah, Thunder's portrayal was pretty much accurate too. That's important...
Looking good so far...
I especially love how Skye reacted, no matter how much it strays from my version of her. Also, her hearing isn't that bad. (32 times, really?)
You don't have to change anything though, Skye's personality and disability sometimes changes slightly depending from story to story. (It's not a bad thing, don't listen to my little observations. You don't have to change anything. Don't take that the wrong way.
) Okay, now I'm just rambling...
Last thing I'm gonna say: Love it. Keep at it.
Finally... I can follow this legitimently...
i.imgur.com/FI0wbW0.gif
6831405
Ikr!
6831430 From one Class F-mate to another, how do you think the year is gonna go?
YUS this is AWESOME!!!
This shall prove to be interesting.
6831477 One word- hectic
6832022 True.
Great first chapter
, I can't wait to start working on the cover art soon
. Seeing that there are so many characters to be presented at once I think that the short insight into their personalty that we have is really good to show there different factors are gathering for a big event that will happen soon; god know how funny it will be to read in the future
Yay!
Yay!
I feel just peachy.
Idk why...
For some reason, I feel like this is gonna happen a lot.
Keep it up, my good sir!
Lovely, she's now the incarnation of evil itself... For some reason I'm alright with this.
Nova...poor nova
Lol class f is gonna blaze a path to victory
I t was a good chapter but I feel that the group seem to go along too easily into RD's and Thunder Quill's endeavors to challenge class D with a group that is not in the least motivated to do the word to get it. I I feel that it would have been better if there had be a gage about the general moral of the group and having a rousing speech to get the group off theirs flanks first before getting them to challenge the other classes. I would imagine that most of the student are demoralized or don't care about getting better school material or having more respect from the other classes ; you would need to give them a reason to fight to getter if their is any hope for them to galvanizes into one coherent force.I also think you could afford to go more into details on what the characters are thinking or at least give more of a clue on their reactions.
They'll die trying. But good enthusiasm nonetheless.
What is the sex tag for?
Apart from some minor, but still decipherable, grammatical errors, a good start. I'm very much looking forward to seeing how the characters interact. I'll let you know if you start taking Gearhead in an unintended direction, and it'll be up to you what you do with that information. At the moment in my series he happens to be dating Fluttershy. A cross-class pairing with a bigger gap is more entertaining on the classic scale, of course. And I'm sure others have paired their OCs with Fluttershy.
The way I wrote Gearhead originally he's definitely focused more on running Gearhead's Gadgets than on non-magical studies or building relationships. Which sort of makes him similar to Twilight and Moondancer, now that I think about it.
...
He's gonna get 'friended' hard, isn't he?
Got a bit confused here, until I realized Quill was doing all the talking. I thought Coalstone was encouraging him to try to get promoted to Class A or something, then I read it again. There aren't any promotions, right? Been awhile since I watched BakaTest. They just switch facilities -- unless they're accumulating favours.
Laughed at Nova getting attacked by Fluttershy's friends. I thought at first they were her classmates just trying to protect her because she looks like she needs protecting when she's ultra-shy. Wonder what the students' reactions would be to Marble Pie.
I guess no one wants to face Gearhead until he's up to full score so they know what they're facing, huh? Well, classes A and B might but I doubt they's pick a fight so early on. Just the desperate Class F would pick a fight.
Not bad and I appreciate my guy being included but Coalstone isn't exactly supposed to be the most social guy out there. That was kind of the idea, him being the intimidating and mysterious guy in the class is all. Kind of seems random for him to know Thunder Quill out of the blue like that.
Also the probationary thing, maybe should have been explained or shown in the beginning or something.
Last I think it would be best to not connect the Mane 6 here to the ones in canon since them going to a school when all of them are adults, have jobs and in the case of Twilight ,are a princess. Going to school makes little to now sense. Just from a narrative perspective it makes more sense to simply have them not be the same world saving characters.
Also dude, the crushing hoof shake thing is funny.....Until you realize that they have hooves, thus there is no logical way that could happen. You even refer to it as a "Handshake" in the chapter, even though they don't have hands.
Again not being critical or anything, just pointing this stuff out.
How come I had bloody forgotten about this!?
I came because you're posted on the Looking for Editors group, and because I like anime. Are you still looking for an editor, because I'd like to edit your story. Even if I don't see your edit, though, I would like to offer you something.
So, this is like Baka and Test, but with ponies. Huh. I don't think anyone's done this before. Best of luck to you!
Welp, before I get started, all of these are my personal opinion, so don't feel like you have to change anything.
My biggest concern with this chapter is the pacing. I love that you're trying hard to introduce every character, but the chapter comes across as an info dump, jumping from pony to pony too rapidly for me to remember any of them. While classrooms are, by nature, places with lots of ponies, you don't need to know all of them from day one. After all, in Baka and Test, the main story focuses on the main characters, and most of the others don't get screentime/only get screentime as a group. In my opinion, there's no need to describe characters you're not going to meet until later in the story, and it takes away from the narrative of the story.
I also think that the chapter could have had been broken down into more scenes. When each separate character takes the test, receives their results, etc., that involves a different situation. In contrast, the meeting between the mane 6 was a single scene, and if they had announced everyone's classes at one place, it would have been a single scene. It's complicated, and I'm not the best at explaining it. I personally think that the writing guide on fimfiction covers section spacing pretty well.
Finally, this isn't quite as much a concern, but sometimes your word choice weakens the story. For instance,
The rest of the paragraph is a cliffhanger tied into exposition, but the word "nab" doesn't have the same tone as the rest of the paragraph.
Another example,
"To be told" is passive voice, and most people don't use passive voice, especially when they're emotional. Also, you repeat, "she yelled," and "Security carried her out" twice, which is repetitive. Finally, "due to her hearing loss" seems to be out of the blue.
Now that I've gotten the things I disliked out of the way, I'll move on to the things I liked about it.
I really liked the characterizations of the characters. It's a really great beginning, and I'm looking forward to getting to know the characters better.
Alright, I know it's a little stereotypical (and dumb), but it was funny.
I'm also really interested in the story as a whole. It's an interesting premise, and one you don't see every day on fimfiction. I, for one, am reading the rest of the story.
Welp, that's what I think about the story. I hope you write more good stuff!
TL; DR: Good story, think hard on which characters to introduce and take time introducing them. I'd like to be an editor, if that's alright with you.
6943669 Feel free! I'd love for you to edit this if you could please.
6949356 Thanks! Could you send me the link to your chapters? I'd be happy to help edit the new chapters before they come out.
(Sorry for the late response. I lost the link to the story, and it took me a while to find it again.)
6988967 I will as soon as it's finished, shouldn't be too long now.
6990005 Ummm...
7112555 Sorry I know I said that five weeks ago, I've just been crazy busy.
7120105 Oh, good. I was afraid somehow you'd finished the chapter and that I had forgotten the notification. Didn't mean to rush you, take all the time you need.