Strife has been building between Princess Celestia and Princess Luna for years, differences in opinion on ruling have finally caused them to part ways. Realizing that Princess Luna and Princess Celestia aren't perfect, and have both made questionable choices, even if they have all turned out alright, and seeing the argument that caused the final rift between the sisters have led Twilight to also succeed from Equestria.
Now Twilight must rally the ponies of Equestria under her banner, and hope to bring peace and harmony to a land that is beginning to shatter from the strain of a three-way civil war.
Chapters (37)
I'm loving it, keep it up.
Odd as it may sound I'm on Luna's side in this. Celestia does seem to care more for her own plans than her subjects.
I'm going to enjoy watching this play out.
Will Twilight be badass in this story?
6748548 You'll just have to wait and see
One thing that really needs to be addressed is that you should probably label your pov changes, it gets really hard to follow who's who.
Loving it so far
i.chzbgr.com/full/8601776896/h4C0F29B9/
Another successful procedure.
i feel, if Rainbow gets kidnapped, Twilight is either going to all mopey dopey, or it will be the triggering point for her to actually fight one of the others.
The Crystals are interesting, it seems like the void crystal could probably be used as a threat of destruction (AKA IRL Nukes)
I don't know why people aren't rushing to your story though. It has all the components, just not the views.
good job.
I think you might be using the wrong word here. Instead of succeed, do you mean secede?
6864833
According to Google, I did it right. But thanks for pointing out a possible error.
EDIT: Nevermind, I checked it again, very subtle difference that somehow escaped my sight...
This is pretty interesting. We need to see more outside involvement though. What about Yakyakistan? The Zebra and Minotaur lands? Griffinstone?
You should replace succeed with secede for her leaving equestria.
Why, Bon Bon. Why?!?!?!?!?!
They seem to be in a medieval age weapons-wise. Ponyville's houses look Celtic. Other stuff hints that they are Industrial Age in other areas, like their trains and factories. But the pop culture like Coloratura is modern, so is Manehattan. Appleoosa is in the friggin 1860s Wild West. Its a scramble of ages based on regions, I guess.
I hope this does't go too twidashy, personally not a fan of the ship. Keep up the great work
Hm, this is a pretty interesting concept you are exploring - I don't believe I have read any stories before this where Equestria is split in a three-way civil war, so as a whole this plotline feels fairly fresh. Your characterization, for the most part, seems reasonably solid and it's interesting to see the different leadership styles of the three involved princesses being explored - and will no doubt get more interesting yet, now that things look to be ramping up.
After all, this was the first military operation performed by Twilight's forces, even if it was an insertion snatch & grab, marking the first time she has engaged the forces of either Celestia or Luna in combat, whilst before she was simply sitting on the sidelines. It will be interesting to see how both Celestia and Luna react to this - though no doubt Luna will be pretty pleased, I imagine. After all Celestia just antagonized Twilight in a very personal way, whilst Luna is still on more "neutral" terms with her. Of the two sisters, Celestia was the first to make a direct enemy of Twilight - the consequences should be interesting.
And, mean as it might sound, it was good for Twilight to get her own hooves wet, figuratively speaking. Unfortunate as it might be, her having to kill other ponies was sorta inevitable, as was her taking the field if she ever plans on standing up directly to Celestia or Luna in a field of battle, which is also kinda inevitable at some point. At that point she can't afford doubts and hesitations, which is why it was good to get the first kill(s) out of the way early, so she can mediate on it and come to terms with it.
Regardless, I look towards what twilight will do next - and you really need to tackle this issue in the story properly. Namely, Twilight's control of Cloudsdale which, in turn, gives her significant control over Equestria's weather, especially against Celestia's forces which have limited numbers of Pegasi.
As of now, Twilight's forces (about 11.000 strong) can't hope to match either Celestia or Luna. The very idea of direct combat is foolishness to the point of being madness; asymmetrical warfare is the only way she is going to have a shot at this, and weather manipulation afforded to her by Cloudsdale should be the first thought both on her mind and that of her major military aides, like Spitfire. Given how Rainbow's mucking about the weather factory resulted the whole of Ponyville being frozen over in moments, the offensive tactical applications of this ability (or prolonged rains and/or hurricanes or thunderstorms or what have you) is undeniable - and Twilight's biggest asset by far. This needs serious consideration, and preferably soon, because it's a giant elephant in the room.
Besides weather manipulation, there is also a second thing the Weather Factory can provide Twilight with - namely, makeshift bombs. Remember this scene from the weather factory? Bottled lightning is a thing apparently, and that thing made a very nice explosion once Rainbow broke one jar. Repurpose that for weaponry, and Twilight could very well have Equestria's first bomber force. Pegasi are noted for mainly fighting with bare hooves and as skirmishers - well, outfit them with a couple of these and Twilight's airforce can suddenly enact bombing runs on enemy formations or infrastructure.
Point being that Cloudsdale and especially the weather factory gives Twilight some unique options, and she should start assessing them pretty soon if she wants to be relevant in this conflict.
Though it's certainly good you are having Twilight tinkering with the crystals and thinking of ways on how to incorporate defensive spells in to her soldier's armor, which would give her a quality edge she desperately needs in order to close the capacity gap afforded by Celestia's and Luna's numbers. And it's a very fitting way for Twilight to go about this - Twilight kicks flank when needed, but her intellect and magical know-how and innovation are arguably her greatest strengths, and she's probably pretty flexible where the older Princesses might be pretty set in their ways. Magical gadgets and tinkering is exactly what I would expect from Twilight to give herself and advantage, kinda like what she's doing with the Twilight Gem (or even the dark magic one), so well done on that part.
---
With all of that said, I do believe there are some things that could be done to polish up the story, and I think the very first chapter is in the most desperate need of it. Which is to say - while the conflict between the princesses is interesting, the way it all started is ... not very convincing, I'm afraid to say. Which is not to say that the premise of Luna and Celestia bickering to the point where Twilight grows tired of them both it's workable - it certainly is, but you really, really should have fleshed it out more, considering this is the founding premise upon which the whole of your story hinges. As of right now it felt slightly childish, and Twilight actually looks like just as big of an idiot as the other two are meant to be.
The setup would really benefit from another chapter that precedes the first one, building up the events that accumulated in the split we see in the current chapter 1. Specifically, you need to show us several cases of Celestia and Luna bickering about similar issues and heavily disagreeing on the solution, while - and this is the truly important part without which the setup doesn't quite work - Twilight presenting her own, third option, which the other princesses ignore in order to keep bickering among themselves. And you need to present her solution as the potentially -and believably- better one.
This is extremely important if you want Twilight's conviction that she can do better than either Celestia or Luna to have a foundation to stand on. And this foundation needs to be solid enough to support the thought that Twilight Sparkle would be willing to fight a war over it, as her own side, as opposed to supporting either Princess. Have her (legitimately good) suggestions be brushed off enough times and I could see her becoming frustrated to the point where she would say "Screw this, I can do better" - and we, the audience, need to see this if you want us to take Twilight seriously.
Because as of right now, given what was presented in the first chapter, Twilight looks the worst of them all. Celestia had her own thoughts on how to handle the diplomat; Luna had hers. Twilight should have had her own - but she didn't. She didn't have any productive output to offer to the discussion, no suggestions on her own, which really doesn't give the impression that she actually has any leg to stand on in claiming that she can do better. Out of the three of them, hers is the secession that looks the most like a spontaneous temper tantrum with no valid reason behind it.
Show us her offering her own suggestions a few times, show us her being ignored and brushed off all the time and not taken seriously so Celestia and Luna can continue to bicker with each other, show us her legitimately good ideas go unused - and then her actions would make sense when the frustration finally boils over. Because as of right now, given what was shown in chapter 1, she looks by far the lest legitimate and the least competent of the three of them. Celestia and Luna were actually discussing the issue (murder of a foal), even if they were throwing a tantrum over it. Twilight didn't eve offer any thoughts on it - she just threw a tantrum. This should really be looked into, in my opinion, because otherwise I can see why the start wouldn't necessarily hook many people - because Twilight's secession isn't convincing given what we have shown, and the idea that she can do better (when we haven't seen her actually do anything at all) has no foundation currently.
--
The second issue that needs to be dressed, I believe, is - how strong is Twilight, exactly? Because as of now this plot point seems to be fairly inconsistent, but it's very important to the plot. The whole reason why Twilight's little Kingdom was allowed to get as far as it was hinges on it actually, so this is one thing that can't afford to be inconsistent.
Celestia gave her reasoning for not annexing Ponyville and taking Twilight out of the game early - namely, she would have commit herself to the attack, because she doesn't expect normal soldiers to be capable of handling Twilight, even if she is currently the weakest Alicorn, but she can't do that because Luna might take critical advantage of the fact that Celestia herself is occupied elsewhere.
And yet, we just saw Twilight fighting Celestia's soldiers just now - notably green soldiers, just out of training. And even three of them could give her a slight pause. Three! Based on what we saw just now, I expect ten to be the absolute limit of what she could handle given similar performance, and that's stretching herself to the absolute limits. Probably less if they are actually experienced unicorn soldiers.
In other words? A fairly pitiful number and performance in the grand scheme of things. Twilight has zero ability to be relevant in large scale battles, much less be capable of turning the tide, if this is her showing (baring some want-it-need-it shenanigans that would cause the entire enemy army to hug a giant powder keg or something). Prior to Cloudsdale joining her, Celestia could have sent a hundred or so soldiers (not a relevant investment, considering that's literally 0.1% of her forces) and have that be enough five times over to subjugate Twilight and Ponyville, and given Twilight's showing in this chapter there is nothing she could have done to prevent it.
Which kinda contradicts Celestia's earlier statement that she would have to get involved herself to stop Twilight - that's clearly not true, and a handful of soldiers ought to be more than sufficient to bring her down and take her in. Even if Celestia is wrong in her assessment of Twilight's power, she can't feasibly be that far off, where Twilight is actually dozens to hundreds times weaker than Celestia expects.
One way or another, Twilight's power inconsistency (where what is said doesn't match up with what is actually shown) and her reasons for secession in the first place are probably two of the biggest issues which, if addressed, could make this story truly shine :)
7287200
I have read this comment a few times, and thank you for the feedback. I think I will go back and improve the first chapter now, when I read over it I find myself cringing. When I first wrote it I didn't even think about having Twilight presenting a third, viable option, so I will have to think about it and revise the chapter to incorporate improvements as such to make it more believable. As of right now, from thinking about it, I believe what I will do next in this story is revise the first chapter, and see how that goes. With any luck, I will be able to revise the chapter before next month so I'm not postponing an update. Once the chapter is revised, I will probably mark is as (revised) or something of the sorts. I will address the power discrepancy in the future.
Once again, thank you for your feedback.
7288392
I'm glad to hear that my ramblings turned out to be at least of little use
So having Twilight split off on her own was a spur of the moment thing? Yeah, I can see that with the way things went - I imagine that originally she was planned to support either Celestia or Luna, or sit it out entirely before the writing took life of its own, as it is wont to do?
Either way, Iļl be looking towards the revised chapter (and Twilight's apparent power inconsistencies being addressed) - It truly feels like with a bit of a spit and polish this story could be great
When does Twilight start being badass?
I really really hope she doesn't start to use Dark magic and uses the gem with ehr magic more often.
Oh it's not odd, not at all, Celestia's being a big fat cake eating priss!
Funny how Twilight is worried about Rainbow Dash getting maimed or something! You would think it would be the other way around...
I mean, I would picture Rainbow as the type to worry about and protect the princess on a deeper leve, I wouldn't have suspected Twilight to get that worried about her friends. I mean, come on they've faced Sombra, Discord, and Nightmare Moon!
Rainbow dash better have at least one badass part.
Sorry, but DIE CELESTIA DIE!
Haha. Twily vs Dash.
Boss battle. We should have that. I think I'll write that...
How the heck doesn't this have more views?
Thank-you for these horse-words.
7610592
You're welcome I guess?
Hmm. So Twilight's about to get hit before she's fully ready. I wonder how that's going to go down.
When the newest chapter came out I just reread the whole story. And well I found it to be amazing still for some reason this story has a re readable feel. The story is just amazing with 3 mini equstrisa now and twilight change from ruling a kingdom. Also just a question since fluttershys good with animals could see get some of the everfree creatures to help defend ponyville. Also Luna and Celestia are gonna have to be careful if twilight does end up using dark magic in the up coming battle. Overall I rate story 9/10 and I think this story deserves more credit that 26 likes considering all the effort you put into it.
7611281
I'm glad to hear that you think this story is good enough to re-read it. As of right now, I don't have plans to use Fluttershy/the animals in such a way, my reasoning being it's Fluttershy. Something like that would devastate her. And as far as credit, it's comments like yours that keep me going. It probably didn't help that I sort of butchered the original chapter 1 and the whole plot setup, but I've... attempted to fix that. But, I'd say I've had good results with it so far, and I'd like to think I'm improving as I write more.
7612059
Well I see your reasoning behind fluttershy but that could change in the future if she is affect by the war.
And I don't think the plots half bad the first few chapter set the scene for the fic showing that celest is and Luna can't agree on anything and that they both believe that twilight is too young or inexperienced to be decding such things. And if you need inspiration or just a few ideas or someone to bounce idea off I'll be happy to help anything to see this amazing story continue.
I'm enjoying it so far.
Celestia knows........
Well now the battle has begun.
Well now this has escalated quickly. Excellent work I love it.
Wonder what Twilight did, and what happened to all the enemy soldiers.
I loved tor ead what General Hooves final thoughts before he was taken down.
That was absolutely lovely.
But, I'm wondering how Celestia will force winter, with Cloudsdale under Twilight's control.
Nuclear winter, anyone?
The war heats up. So far, the battle Luna was fighting seems to be inconclusive, at least for the moment, as Luna retreated as well.
Winter, assuming Celestia's forces can hold out that long, will at least slow down Luna's forces, which will allow Celestia time to regroup.
7850917
Oh, my. That's incredibly ironic... I just spent the day reading Bill O'Reilly's "Killing the Rising Sun."
Welp I feel like Celestia's being a big b**ch in this chapter right now.
Also, when is Twilight going to wake up?
Without her, seems harder to develop the story.
In my opinion Twilight's gonna have to form a alliance with Luna or Celestia if either put a lot of pressure on her.
I think you mean "me".
7997580
Thanks!
I honestly suspect that once Shining Armour sees how good a leader Twilight is, he and Cadance will defect. At the moment they have loyalty to Celestia and not Luna, but they love Twilight. The only reason they haven't sided with her is because they think she is too young and ineffective to lead.
With the last battle, I think some cracks have already started to form
My guess is Twilight in a coma or something since she hasn't woken up yet.
Might i ask what this is referring to, exactly? So far, Celestia and her generals have - reluctantly - let go of the Crystal Empire.