His internal struggle doesn't make much sense to me, and it seems a little forced, because you already had him admit his feelings to himself, and if she says she likes him, rarity already went over the whole "honest" thing, so he should just accept that and be happy. [although that doesn't make a great plotline]
Darn you, I'm trying to write myself and you just had to put out a fantastic chapter now of all times. Loved it btw, keep up the great work. Can't wait for the next part.
854212 Second Person fic. Starring you. This is you we are talking about, not someone else. I've spent all day conjugating verbs in my work. Conjugate for yourself instead of he/she, or so help me I will come through this screen and make you.
854097 Wait.......so does he have Multiple consciences? (Fun fact!: I actually do have two consciences but they don't talk very often) And if so, it is the stereotypical Logic/asshole and No logic/nice. If not then..............internal struggles can really suck...
Great chapter man. I can see all the effort you put into it. It’s really neat how you do get into the respective heads of AJ and the main character; it adds a sense of depth that you can rarely show with a typical narrative. As far as that goes, just keep it up.
I laughed out loud at this: "Brain, that was mean. Nobody cares what you think anyway..." So you have been getting the comedy of your writing down pretty well, which is always greatly appreciated by all of us.
“Bullshit... You think as you remember her watching you yesterday morning.” – Love how you incorporate the ridiculousness of the show a little bit, and how from someone who doesn’t know, it does seem a bit crazy. This was a good way of showing how Rarity’s eccentricities translate over into the ‘real’ world. “You chuckled. "Oh really? What comes after that?"” Same deal here.
It’s plausible that Rarity would concoct a scheme like this. And it is just as plausible that AJ would act like this too. Which is something that it’s really hard to achieve. Many stories can’t get the believability of the ponies which you manage to do.
From dragging ‘you’ out of the room, to Applejack being incapable of keeping a secret, I just love how they act.
I don’t know how you manage to get inside of the head of a nervous country girl so well, but you do. Same with the city boy. I do see how AJ is a country girl; you have the accent, the mannerisms, and the attitude. You’ve left the city slicker in the dust though. No more minecraft, xbox, or that video game challenge which I thought I would see in this chapter. Maybe next time, I hope. You could do a lot with that, as they get further into their relationship it could really provide some comedic moments or whatnot. Basically, ‘you’ needs a little bit more of his background to show through. Yeah, whatever happened to the parents?
I think Big Mac/Parents is the logical next step for both characters. Rarity seems like she’s going to Big Mac for something, now it’ll be for something else. But AJ needs emotional support methinks. That’s where Big Mac and Rarity will come in. Rarity is going to have to make an appearance. It doesn’t matter to which character she goes to; she’s confused and is going to figure out what’s going on. Hell, if I was there, I’d be going all Spanish Inquisition on that. You have tons of opportunities with this, as it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense at the moment.
As far as the interaction between AJ and ‘you’ goes, I really like how it’s evolved. You had some totally strange “…s” down there near the end. Just wigged me out like a bit. No worries.
Now. For the main character. I sincerely hope you have a good reason for him being mildly psychopathic, because right now, I don’t see it. Sure, jitters and whatnot are fine. We’ve been seeing those forever. It’s about time they went away, after all, what he professed himself – his crush on AJ – and her crush on him, it’s like a dream come true. It hasn’t been so good to be unrealistic, there have been fights and damage and drama. That’s starting to get resolved, so his jitters and trepidation should lessen as well from this point forward. What’s there to be worried about? What’s been keeping them both awake at night has been solved.
“You heard the voice clear as day, but you didn't believe it. It was your own brain crashing this little party.” I didn’t either. There’s going to be something else keeping them both up after this. Nevertheless, what you’ve written is what’s there. You can only build upon it. We can make it work. It’s time for this mysterious boy to explain his inner monologues. He has to work through whatever confidence issues are gnawing at him. At this point, it can’t really be wrapped up quickly. IE: AJ and Rarity can confront him, they just can’t as simply slap the craziness out of him. Bring some of that city stuff back. I’ve said that already, but it might be what you need to sort this out. I really hope that ‘you’ doesn’t have schizophrenia or something. I’ll try and conjure up some ideas.
Overall, your writing is good. Progression and everything makes sense, and it was about time those two got their feelings sorted out. You should be happy with how this turned out. I sure am!
I love the brain fights . And the story is coming along quite nicely, especially with this new curve-ball. One thing you should work on though is that you jump right into explaining a back-story. You should ease your way into the explanation, and not just have someone open up immediately. It's in these parts that the story loses it's flow, but other than that, I'm still loving the fic
Read this straight through from chapter 1 and am loving every bit of it! I've never had more nervous stomach knots in my life, AND THIS IS JUST A STORY!
A good chapter. Bravo. Fortunatelly, my brain doesn`t troll me like that, so it was rather difficult to put myself in that situation. Still a wonderful chapter and I look foward to the next eagerly.
Another fantastic chapter, the highest word count and it's out it a little over a week, well done on that.
I can sypathise with 'me' in this story (freaking meta... ) mainly because im a weird bugger, internal monolouge tends to become a habit when one is an intorverted type. Not to say that this is bad.
I have a feeling that 'my' thought proccess will be resolved in the next chapter, maybe then the story will take on themes of a more progressive nature.
I already left you that massive comment a few chapters back expressing my opinion on said matter so I wont go into any more detail at the risk of boring everyone.
Which brings me onto ask whether or not you have given it any thought? Even if they are published as 'additional chapters' in a seperate story. Like I said before, a more 'intimate union' can only complement the progression of this story and its target goals.
856337 D'awwwww, Jexxazrez is flattered by your praise! Brain: Don't let it go to your head... *Okay.jpg*
856465 If you had his brain, I think the story would be different...
856507 I mean, how else do we stay entertained? Inner monologues....they come in handy! As for your little idea...I've decided to do it :3 and it will be in the main storyline. However, since some people (for some reason) don't like to read that stuff, I shall warn everypony beforehoof... May Celestia guide my hand...and yours. (huehue...)
Fucking brain, why does it always do this to me?! Though I can very much relate, the bigger, stronger percentage of my brain is the one that always stays realistic and always puts myself down. Oh the low self esteem.
But anyway, loved this chapter! I hope more of them are as epic and full of win as this one!!!
My my, this was a big development. Though I do hope there is a good reason behind his brain talking him down like that. I especially love the inner dialogue of "me." The arguments with "my" brain just add on to the hilarity.
Ok if i ever freak out like that i want to be fucking slammed in the back of the head with the biggest most harmful looking tree branch that can be found so i can go back to lip fucking applejack! ( i like how that sounds and mouth fucking and tongue fucking are already things look them up on google!) oh and this can easily be resolved by rarity talking to both sides of the party involved.
Finally
His internal struggle doesn't make much sense to me, and it seems a little forced, because you already had him admit his feelings to himself, and if she says she likes him, rarity already went over the whole "honest" thing, so he should just accept that and be happy. [although that doesn't make a great plotline]
854088
He only admitted his feelings to HALF his brain...
854097 Did he have a complete Corpus callosotomy?
damn psychotic mental disorders
Well, someone needs a shrink.
854117
This is you we're talking about. Conjugate correctly.
854162 Wait, what?
Darn you, I'm trying to write myself and you just had to put out a fantastic chapter now of all times. Loved it btw, keep up the great work. Can't wait for the next part.
854212
Second Person fic. Starring you. This is you we are talking about, not someone else. I've spent all day conjugating verbs in my work. Conjugate for yourself instead of he/she, or so help me I will come through this screen and make you.
854242 Meh, it still seems forced, and my point stands, also, in my head, second person fics read about the same as first person.
also, i will be very impressed if you appear out of my screen.
Nooooooooo!!!........ Well damn....
854249
Much to my dismay, it would appear my shoulders are unable to fit through this damn box of mine. You win this round, I suppose.
Cool another chapter Can't wait to see it
854097 Wait.......so does he have Multiple consciences? (Fun fact!: I actually do have two consciences but they don't talk very often) And if so, it is the stereotypical Logic/asshole and No logic/nice. If not then..............internal struggles can really suck...
854285
curses, foiled again.
YES!!!!!!!!! Dude. My brain does the exact same thing. Something's going perfect, then it just says, "No..." And I'm thinking, "WWWWWWHYYYYYY?!?! "
Damn you-well, can't say cliff hanger so im just gonna go with this;
MOAR
I read the last bit while Listening to "complicated" by Yourfavouritemartian... There are now tears on my desk.. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL :'(
Ok I have a meme that goes with everything. There was always a picture in my database to describe every feeling and reaction.
This is my reaction to my inability to describe my reaction!i.canvasugc.com/ugc/processed/13e37da22f75e192010ec6e866ebc0b8ea40d8d9.jpg
Great chapter man. I can see all the effort you put into it. It’s really neat how you do get into the respective heads of AJ and the main character; it adds a sense of depth that you can rarely show with a typical narrative. As far as that goes, just keep it up.
I laughed out loud at this: "Brain, that was mean. Nobody cares what you think anyway..."
So you have been getting the comedy of your writing down pretty well, which is always greatly appreciated by all of us.
“Bullshit... You think as you remember her watching you yesterday morning.” – Love how you incorporate the ridiculousness of the show a little bit, and how from someone who doesn’t know, it does seem a bit crazy. This was a good way of showing how Rarity’s eccentricities translate over into the ‘real’ world. “You chuckled. "Oh really? What comes after that?"” Same deal here.
It’s plausible that Rarity would concoct a scheme like this. And it is just as plausible that AJ would act like this too. Which is something that it’s really hard to achieve. Many stories can’t get the believability of the ponies which you manage to do.
From dragging ‘you’ out of the room, to Applejack being incapable of keeping a secret, I just love how they act.
I don’t know how you manage to get inside of the head of a nervous country girl so well, but you do. Same with the city boy. I do see how AJ is a country girl; you have the accent, the mannerisms, and the attitude. You’ve left the city slicker in the dust though. No more minecraft, xbox, or that video game challenge which I thought I would see in this chapter. Maybe next time, I hope. You could do a lot with that, as they get further into their relationship it could really provide some comedic moments or whatnot. Basically, ‘you’ needs a little bit more of his background to show through. Yeah, whatever happened to the parents?
I think Big Mac/Parents is the logical next step for both characters. Rarity seems like she’s going to Big Mac for something, now it’ll be for something else. But AJ needs emotional support methinks. That’s where Big Mac and Rarity will come in. Rarity is going to have to make an appearance. It doesn’t matter to which character she goes to; she’s confused and is going to figure out what’s going on. Hell, if I was there, I’d be going all Spanish Inquisition on that. You have tons of opportunities with this, as it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense at the moment.
As far as the interaction between AJ and ‘you’ goes, I really like how it’s evolved.
You had some totally strange “…s” down there near the end. Just wigged me out like a bit. No worries.
Now. For the main character. I sincerely hope you have a good reason for him being mildly psychopathic, because right now, I don’t see it.
Sure, jitters and whatnot are fine. We’ve been seeing those forever. It’s about time they went away, after all, what he professed himself – his crush on AJ – and her crush on him, it’s like a dream come true. It hasn’t been so good to be unrealistic, there have been fights and damage and drama. That’s starting to get resolved, so his jitters and trepidation should lessen as well from this point forward. What’s there to be worried about? What’s been keeping them both awake at night has been solved.
“You heard the voice clear as day, but you didn't believe it. It was your own brain crashing this little party.” I didn’t either. There’s going to be something else keeping them both up after this.
Nevertheless, what you’ve written is what’s there. You can only build upon it. We can make it work.
It’s time for this mysterious boy to explain his inner monologues. He has to work through whatever confidence issues are gnawing at him. At this point, it can’t really be wrapped up quickly. IE: AJ and Rarity can confront him, they just can’t as simply slap the craziness out of him.
Bring some of that city stuff back. I’ve said that already, but it might be what you need to sort this out. I really hope that ‘you’ doesn’t have schizophrenia or something. I’ll try and conjure up some ideas.
Overall, your writing is good. Progression and everything makes sense, and it was about time those two got their feelings sorted out. You should be happy with how this turned out. I sure am!
Man! I'm a duechbag!
I love the brain fights . And the story is coming along quite nicely, especially with this new curve-ball. One thing you should work on though is that you jump right into explaining a back-story. You should ease your way into the explanation, and not just have someone open up immediately. It's in these parts that the story loses it's flow, but other than that, I'm still loving the fic
I have a few words to say : FUCK YOU BRAIN WHY YOU HAVE TO RUIN IT?!?!?!?!?
And that is why I turn my brain off.
this is the shit nuff said this fucking rocks love it keep them chapters coming
A new chapter?
memberfiles.freewebs.com/35/70/36777035/photos/NewComers/bison.PNG
Read this straight through from chapter 1 and am loving every bit of it! I've never had more nervous stomach knots in my life, AND THIS IS JUST A STORY!
Really nice chapter. But I can't shake off the feeling of something being rushed here. I don't know what it is, I just know there's something.
Yeah! One of the few stories where the first date isn't perfect but far from it. You sir win an Internet.
854285 Damn! foiled again........
oh, this chapter..
ourequilibrium.org/wp-content/uploads/ubpfattach/captain-picard-full-of-win-500x3811.jpg
...
well then
About damn time...
A good chapter. Bravo. Fortunatelly, my brain doesn`t troll me like that, so it was rather difficult to put myself in that situation. Still a wonderful chapter and I look foward to the next eagerly.
Omfg! I can for the next chapter, I'm going insane just from the suspence of what will happen next . Your story is number one in my book!
Best brain ever!
854562
Because AJ is his waifu.
Another fantastic chapter, the highest word count and it's out it a little over a week, well done on that.
I can sypathise with 'me' in this story (freaking meta... ) mainly because im a weird bugger, internal monolouge tends to become a habit when one is an intorverted type. Not to say that this is bad.
I have a feeling that 'my' thought proccess will be resolved in the next chapter, maybe then the story will take on themes of a more progressive nature.
I already left you that massive comment a few chapters back expressing my opinion on said matter so I wont go into any more detail at the risk of boring everyone.
Which brings me onto ask whether or not you have given it any thought? Even if they are published as 'additional chapters' in a seperate story. Like I said before, a more 'intimate union' can only complement the progression of this story and its target goals.
yay an update, aw silly bad thoughts dont let them ruin you...
Well... my reaction after reading this chapter...
BRAIN ....
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/130189071562.gif
854117 Gods no, that would be terrible :P
Brain: You can only lie about me for so long...
854235 Oh you know, I'm just a scumbag author xD
>Sends out newest chapter when other writers are trying to write
854369 Well you know...this fiction is starring you...
854478 It made you cry?
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTZM9UHAKbsx7PbL__W_Z4TzKXIRmlkweHEwEXiUsAEUnbsNtGC
I feel accomplished as a writer
854562 Tl;dr
Just kidding
I assure you, all will come into light in time...
854732 Your advice shall be taken into account...
855060 Brain: Because you lack logic! I'm the embodiment of logic, for chrissake. I'm still an asshole though...
855071 Brain: You can't turn me off, you'll never turn me off....
855239 Just a story....or is it...?
855793 encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS61KWp5lNKTal5tjwG3EwbrzuNljKz6Xwelehz6Ta1b8KDarBl
856225 Brain: Well then indeed.
856257 I aim to please, sir
856337 D'awwwww, Jexxazrez is flattered by your praise!
Brain: Don't let it go to your head...
*Okay.jpg*
856465 If you had his brain, I think the story would be different...
856507 I mean, how else do we stay entertained? Inner monologues....they come in handy!
As for your little idea...I've decided to do it :3 and it will be in the main storyline. However, since some people (for some reason) don't like to read that stuff, I shall warn everypony beforehoof...
May Celestia guide my hand...and yours. (huehue...)
856985
felix-fox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/oh-yes-i-did-202x300.gif
Fucking brain, why does it always do this to me?!
Though I can very much relate, the bigger, stronger percentage of my brain is the one that always stays realistic and always puts myself down. Oh the low self esteem.
But anyway, loved this chapter! I hope more of them are as epic and full of win as this one!!!
YAY!!!
im not the only one with a mental disorder!!
WOO HOO!!!
My my, this was a big development. Though I do hope there is a good reason behind his brain talking him down like that.
I especially love the inner dialogue of "me." The arguments with "my" brain just add on to the hilarity.
Keep up it, Mac!
(I'm calling you Mac from now on, by the way.)
Ok if i ever freak out like that i want to be fucking slammed in the back of the head with the biggest most harmful looking tree branch that can be found so i can go back to lip fucking applejack! ( i like how that sounds and mouth fucking and tongue fucking are already things look them up on google!) oh and this can easily be resolved by rarity talking to both sides of the party involved.
858930 Mac? Isn't he often paired with Fluttershy?
Are you sure you wanna open up that door?
859068
videogamesblogger.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/little-mac-punch-out-wii-artwork.jpg
I was referencing this Mac.
859151 Oh THAT one >.>
Why that one...?
859166
Uh, because Punch-Out is awesome?
859234
It is, but I have no relation to him.