You have entered Equestria via a black portal. To make matters worse, the portal's properties have made your body able to cast magic spells, much like a unicorn. To ensure that you can be able to control these powers, Celestia assigned you to be Twilight's student.
What a great decision she had made. Throughout your time with her, you developed feelings for your teacher. One night, you ask to sleepover at her house. This night would be the night that would change your relationship to her forever as she tests your willpower.
Image by Mewball.
Chapters (1)
Why all the down votes and no comments? Why down vote something if you haven't even read it.
6646912
My guess is either my pacing's bad (it's a common complaint I have across all my fanfics, so I can understand that) or it's a second person wish fulfillment fic, which again, I won't blame them for.
6647469
Yes and yes. The story is going a million miles a minute and has no intention of slowing down until the very end... where ironically the expected conclusion for a self-insert wish fulfillment fic - sex with the sexy ponies - doesn't end up happening. I bet a few readers who weren't capable of noting the lack of a sex tag downvoted it in a huff after the end.
This story badly needs an editor. There are little mistakes all over the place and they made this annoying to read. You also have a massive problem with show don't tell; you spend way too much time summarizing events or glossing over specifics in an attempt to get to the interesting parts, but only manage to make your story feel rushed and incomplete. You also have a problem with sentence usage. You use too many short simple sentences and not enough complex ones. This is partly because of your lack of detail and partly because you have problems smoothly transitioning from one idea to another and end up using a short sentence as a stopgap instead of smoothly weaving them together.
As for the story itself, well, it was an interesting idea in theory. A sudden transportation to Equestria resulting in 'you' becoming a mage could have very exciting implications, but you don't really do anything with it. You made it just a backdrop explanation for getting close to Twilight and instead focused the story almost entirely on building up their romance, but you didn't even give it enough time to grow. Relationships are complicated and slow things, especially between different species, especially involving socially awkward Twilight, and especially involving a unique being that was mysteriously transported to her world whom she knows little about. Basically, you went way too fast.
Your quick synopsis of the stereotypical down-on-his-luck brony's life and the subsequent transportation and fight with the guards gave a really strong downer feeling to the start of the story that feels very out of place next to the rest of it. The rest of the story is supposed to feel light and cheery, but the lingering feeling from the beginning made it hard to get into that. It's also kind of stereotypical for a brony to feel like that and it would've been fine if you addressed it afterwords, but instead you just put it in the beginning for a cheap emotion grab and never addressed it past that point.
Explaining a sudden spontaneous transportation of a human into Equestria must be done with extreme caution. If you get too serious with the explanation you'll lose casual readers, but if you make up some BS explanation that doesn't really make sense then you'll lose readers who were interested in how it happened. Not only did you do the latter, but you also forgot all about the whole dark energy theory and never addressed it again. If you aren't willing to put in the effort to come up with a good logical explanation for it and then keep running with the effects then you should just leave it a mystery. I know it's cliche to have the reasoning be mysterious, but cliches are cliches for a reason. Having them in your story just means that you're taking good ideas from other works.
I can't really write my post review disclaimer in good conscience since I only wrote this in response to the first comment, but I do hope this helps you and I wish you luck in your future writing.
6647728
I will admit that, yes, I disregarded the dark energy subplot and that I went too fast with the story. My original idea, one I'm still considering writing up, involves some more depth of the dark energy and have some more bleak moments.
However, and I think this is the fatal flaw of the story, I decided to water it down to a simple fluff fic where the reader cuddles it out with Twilight instead of being its own entity.
I agree that I need an editor. If and when I decide to write the expanded story, I'll definitely find someone to proofread.
Hm, interesting. I shall add this to my group.
6646912 Don't know why. But it not that bad.
you should make a 2 story
6651009
So... a continuation?
This just seems rushed.
Well that and the fact that I just dislike 2'nd person POV's, but the premise is a good one...
Not getting onto any of my shelves but here: have a like.
pretty much sure lets go with that
I forgot to mention the first time I commented, I really enjoyed this.
I mean the pacing is pretty quick but it is only 3000 words,
You should continue this or perhaps write a sequel.
amazing very very amazing
I like it, but this was somewhat rushed. There was not enough character development. It just kind of went head-on. Other than that, this story has a lot of potential and I liked it. :)
This was soo sweet
Twily as a teacher and a human casting spells??? DA FUQ IS THIS!!
You know, I just realized, if this were any other universe and you had called teleportation basic, I would question your sanity.
Where's the part that he decides to STAY??!!!!
Great story.
9641118
Yea, I looked it up and since there are 9 spell levels, I’d imagine that we are using D&D phrasing here. Teleport is a 7th level spell. Hahaha-hell no it ain’t simple. Thunder step is I think a 3rd level spell though and it is kind of like a short distance teleport spell with about a 90ft range
11214021
I will confirm that I am using D&D terminology as a nod to how Hasbro owns that property.
Blushed
That was adorable. not much romance but still good