Two years after the attack on Equestria, Queen Chrysalis finds herself broken and unable to go on, but there is hope. Discord and the original Queen Chrysalis came up with a spell many years ago, bring a girl from another dimension to Equestria, and she would become the new Queen. Though she would have the previous Queen to help her take on the ultimate disguise.
Though this is not all the new Queen faces, a dark force has risen, with power strong enough that even the old queen fears it. Their choices could affect the future of Equestria, and not just for pony and changeling, but every creature! Who will survive? And can something that the Queen has denied for so long, be the key to their success? Read on to find out!
Editor:
Knowledge (Chapter 27 and on)
Pre-readers:
Yurick45
Meep the Changeling
MuckyHusky
Gore Tag for death and slightly descriptiveness of such
Sex Tag for eventual talk of sex and implied sex.
Cover art done by me, under my nonsite name Lexni. (But if anypony feels like drawing one that pertains to the story better, feel free!)
Story takes place during Season 4 of the show. And though we might see background ponies introduced after that or some canon stuff learned after that, most changeling canon now being made in season 6 will either be used if it is still relevant to my plans, or will be ignored. (Changelings hatching into Larva for one example.)
Interesting very interesting.
6623796 Thanks:) I hope I keep you interested! :D
6624450 I hope you do too this site could some more well written changeling queen.
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I so agree! She is my favorite character, so I love reading the ones on here. Most I have read I have liked, but only a few have I LOVED.
Hmm, it's a bit unrealistic that she would adjust so fast to her new body, but since this is your first story, I understand. You're a little fast with other things as well, like the pony seemingly falling in love with Chrysalis. Also, if the girl is a pegasister, why would she want to conquer Equestria all of the sudden? There are some easy explanations, like feeling the power of a changeling Queen.
I'll follow it for now and give advice, whenever I deem it necessary.
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Thanks! Yeaaah I'll need to go back and fix that once November is over. Being it is for NaNoWriMo, I was kind of getting stuck so skipped ahead a bit, hence the rushing. (Plus I couldn't wait to introduce Shiny hehe.) I really appreciate the advice though~ This is indeed my first nonrp work for MLP so going to be some bumps in the road. (Should have done a better outline before NaNo started, but *shrugs* too late for that for the moment.) I'll work on those points you made some more, they are great advice. :)
Chrysalis. Is a tease both of them.
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Hehe oh yes indeed! I enjoyed making them both that way. *chuckles* I'm guessing you are still enjoying it then? :D Have I been able to fix some of the things you saw not working well before? Or have more cropped up?
6662523 Oh most defiantly! I'm very much enjoying this. and I think you got me confused with Smrrt when it came to any issues with the story. And as for me I don't have any, but I did notice one mistake.
Come, let’s go to bed,” I said and pulled down the covers.
that was the only one the jumped out at me. but anyhow. Good luck author and remember I'll be reading
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Whoops yeah I guess I did. XD I shall go fix that! (That's what happens writing at 3am in the morning :P) Hehe well I am glad to see you still are! Makes me want to keep it up knowing somepony is reading. :P (I mean sure the views go up, but when I don't get any comments, I get to going 'okay, they are looking at it, but are they finishing it/liking it/hating it?' :P Maybe I'm just weird like that.
6663326 trust me I under stand every one needs a little input once in awhile.
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Exactly! It is what keeps us motivated to keep writing. :D
you don't mess with the queen. by the way have you thought about submitting this to some more groups to that should help you get more readers.
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Nope, or else you get payback hehe. Hmm no I hadn't thought of that (heh in fact the one group it was added to somepony else added it?) Have any groups you would suggest I submit it to? Was wondering why I get so few readers. Thought maybe it was the time I posted new chapters at, that by the time the big groups of people got on it was already off the main page or something... But I guess having it in more groups would help with that as well. :P
6672637 I'd recommend Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm , Queen Chrysalis's Feeding Grounds , and maybe The Hero... Queen Chrysalis???. And yeah what time you post can effect how much you story gets seen. I don't know what the peak times are but if you ask one of the moderators. they might be willing to tell you. edit And now that I look I see that you already in most of those groups so that's good.
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Hmm would a mod tell us? *shrugs*
Hehe yep after my last post went and looked up a few changeling themed groups and joined and added my story. :P Will totally go and add it to those others as well!
I don't understand how the spell that makes the body Queen Chrysalis is needs to bring a human into it. What exactly does it do? Why is the human so compliant? Why is Discord helping Queen Chrysalis? Two years after the invasion isn't he reformed yet? You need to delve into these stuff more.
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Hmm true he would likely be reformed by then. (I kind of place the 'two years' being after Twilight becomes a princess but before she gets her castle? But that is partly because I can't recall if they even have said how much time has passed since she moved to Ponyville? (Might have mentioned it in an episode/the comics.... if they have feel free to remind me? (Since it hasn't effected that part of the story yet written, but very much could in future chapters.) So I go by each 'season' being about a year. ) I guess I need to get it across better that they are old 'friends'/accomplices/partners? Will work on that as well as the rest in my revisions after NaNoWriMo. Thanks for your questions on clarifying things and the such! I hope I can answer those well for you. :D
I understand that she would be dead anyway, but why does she agrees so fast with being evil?
To be honest I would even expected her not to try to eat that Pony.
I admit, that I´m a bit dissapointed, that not only Chrysalis, and Discord knew about it.
However even if I am a bot sceptical here and there, it was a nice chapter.
I still have to read this chapter, but I still wanted to say something.
When is the moment that Chrys last Energy does dissapear? I never thought she would live forever in her mind.
The second thing is, it start´s to look like her own brain would be forced to think a certain way, I mean why does she actually feel for the Changeling that she never saw? As much as I remember, he was just a one Night stand.
It could be that she already was somehow like that, but it lookes like she just got a different personality, and it doesn´t really look like she developed another personality, if you know what I mean. I can´t be sure, but this is one thing that looks a little bit off for me, but well I think that I like this story so far.
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Thanks for reading and so many comments! Sorry it took so long to get back. Finals are killer x.x had them over a week ago but they blasted any creativity from me for a bit, heh and this next chapter has been hard to work on because of such.
Anyway sorry to blabber on heh as for your comments, hmm well not sure what to say on the first one, need to work on that a bit still I think, or at least make it more believable?
As for the next, I felt she needed at least one other who knew her secret, someone she could talk to when Discord wasn't around. (That plus with how close they are, Apatelodes would have noticed something weird was going on eventually? As I am 'hoping' is seeming to be noticed with her and Shiny in the present?)
Hmm yes that part does need to be made a bit more clear I guess? Yep he was a one night stand, but still a close friend of Chrys so she cares for him like a friend? As for when the energy of Chrys will dissappear, no she won't last forever, but it will still be some time before she moves on. (Though I am 'thinking' of almost having an "Avatar" kind of thing, where Chryssy can still call on her later if she needs her for something... but this would mostly be in the sequel I plan on so it is not fully fleshed out yet.)
I am glad you are liking it so far! I promise now that finals are over I will try to get back to adding chapters more frequently! Working on the next chapter at the moment so we will see. It's a bit more awkward in places as I work with history we know bits and pieces of, trying to not let it be redundant and give my own 'flesh and blood' to it so to speak. Not sure when it will be done but will try to have it done by around Wed.?
I don't really like mysterious villains like this. I can't handle too much suspense. However, that is just personal taste. It hasn't approached my limit, but scenes like this raise a red flag that indicates that it has the potential of happening. Some suspense is still good, especially when used correctly. You seem to be able to balance it out as needed; thus, it has not reached the point where it outweighs my interest in the story thus far. Keep going; I'm willing to step outside my comfort zone a little.
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Sorry about the late reply, somehow missed your comment!
I'm sorry, I like a little suspense in my stories, (plus gives the readers something to comment about for who they might think it is?) *cough* I guess you can say part of the reason I am keeping her identity secret is I want readers to guess who she is, so I can see how well I am doing with the hints. *cough*
Thanks! I'm glad you think so, and are willing to step out of your comfort zone a little. She will be revealed soon, within the next few chapters most likely. (Partly because with any other hint I could give, it would probably give her identity away anyway.)
But thanks for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it and hope you continue to enjoy the rest of it. ^.^
How about Amore leaving him there to let him suffer in ignorance when she knew what he was all along and did nothing about it, then gets put in immense pain due to the power of the Crystal Heart when the Crystal Faire came around every year? If I was in his place, I would have done the same thing!
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Indeed, the poor stallion. Amore really could have gone about things better, and only has herself to blame for not doing what she could to help young Sombra. Though all the experiments might have been going too far, even with the suffering he was put through as a colt.
(Btw thanks for commenting and reading! You made this little changelings night! :D)
OK so the story started a bit slow for my liking, but considering what it was introducing I can understand. I don't normally like mysterious villains very much but I do like how you're feeding us more information about them as the story goes on. I've read plenty of stories where the main antagonist is just mysterious and that's the end of things for the next twenty thousand words for them.
Once I pushed past the initial slow part of the story though I was happy because I feel like I've got a pretty good grasp on the characters and the dynamics of Chrysalis' hive.
You don't seem to have any problems with run on paragraphs, no homonym/autocorrect mistakes, and one thing I have to say I appreciate is the "POV text" it's quick its efficient and it tells me exactly whose POV you're switching to.
My only complaints so far are some odd characterization inconsistencies for the old Chrysalis in the older chapters compared to the new chapters. Its nothing that couldn't really be explained or fixed its just that she seems more accepting of ponies as time goes on. Again nothing you couldn't fix by saying something like "it looks like you're personality is rubbing off on me" in a psuedo scientific manner though.
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*Seriously, I love comments heh.*
First of all, thanks for commenting! You made this little changeling squeal in glee!
Of the comments I have had you were the first to think so it seems. (Of those who commented.) Heh and here I thought it went a little too fast! (One reason I added a bit more after the fact.) But yeah setting the scene did take a bit more.
I feel the same! I like my villains at least somewhat mysterious, but if it is for a fandom I do like to get enough clues that by the time they are revealed I can either go 'HA I knew it was you!' or 'Wow, I was totally off!' but then go back and realize I misread the clues or some such.
For curiosity's sake, where do you think it starts to pick up? Heh I'm glad you feel like that, I do try hard to make them that way. ^,^
I haven't found an editor yet, so I am happy to hear you say so! Even going through it sometimes a dozen times fixing little bits here and there before I publish it, I fear I will miss something big and feel like an idiot, so it is good that it looks well.
It is a thing I love in stories with more than one person speaking, Might not be seen as something to use in published writing (at least I don't think I have seen it much, if at all) but for fanfiction it makes things so much easier. (Especially since I am still working on having distinct 'voices' for all my characters. I have seen too many authors who do multiple points of view and the voices sound so similar that you don't always know who it is who you are listening to! I don't want to do that. POV tags help for now, but just something I can work on,)
Hmm yes I do see your point there. Guess you can say that is one of the problems of being a 'write by the seat of your pants' kind of writer. I do have a good base of where I want go and what I want to do, but I can't do outlines. For the stories I have written with outlines, they just have no... life/heart/blood? in them? That and I can never finish them as I feel tied down to following the outline.
But yes, it can be explained or fixed fairly easily. A few lines here or there.
So, thanks so much for your helpful comment! I will see what I can do to fix the problems you see and continue onward to Dodge Junction! *Heh after all, have to get there before we can get to Canterlot hehe.*
7234130 In no particular order.
What I find helps me when writing is coming up with the ending early on, nothing is concrete obviously and you need to change it over time but having an ending to think about helps me know where to tie the story together.
However the biggest thing that helps me as an writer is that I have two of my internet friends look over chapters and ask me questions about them while the chapters are in progress. For me it helps figure out when something isn't explained enough and stuff like that because I'll compare notes on what they thought was happening and what happened in my head. They also barely know anything about MLP so they can reign me in if I decide to make a reference that's too obscure.
For me the story started to pick up when it became apparent it wasn't going to be entirely about the differences between old Chrysalis and new Chrysalis. For the first part of the story I was a little bit worried that it was going to be only about Shiny changing the changeling hive(and new Chrysalis) through music, I wasn't sure how well that plot thread would have held up for an entire story on its own.
The main reason I appreciated the POV tags is because oftentimes for several paragraphs an author won't say who was talking when they switch. Even if every character in the story has a very distinct personality its very hard to tell whose perspective is it anyway if they're doing something mundane(like just waking up, or walking). I would just stick with them, especially the location tags.
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*nods* That much I can and have done. I know around where I want to end the story. (Thinking I might split it into at least two though, so I can explore other characters POV's as well. 3 is enough for one story, even with tags for who is 'talking' I feel. ;P) And I do have good places to end both, though the second one is still iffy as I haven't got that far ahead yet.
I do have a few friends who keep saying they will read it, but eh they lead busy lives and haven't gotten around to it yet. (But I do keep asking them to so they can toss questions at me. Guess my support system just kind of sucks. :P
Ah yes I can see that (especially with the synopsis. I really need to fix that to fit with the current story better, but I suck at synopsis's so haven't yet...)
Heh yeah maybe I focused a little too much on that. Wanted to work on his character attributes I guess? And the importance the little nymphs/changeling foals see in him? But then we have adventure!
Oh yes, I HATE when that happens! It can get so confusing and I almost want to say 'just go to third person omniscient if you want to get in so many heads!' *nods* I plan on doing so. Following the good examples of some of my favorite changeling writers on here with that. (Though they make their tags a lot more fancy, and I guess I am just too lazy to do that/feel it looks fine in regular script.)
Normally, I wouldn't wish for a person's death but Lucky Shot is beginning to push me in that general direction.
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Yeah he can be quite a jerk. And I know what you mean, such prejudices in characters that they can't seem to let go of how they feel about others can really grind my gears. (But I guess that means I am doing my job well with him? :P It can take a lot to hate a character enough to want them dead after all.)
7252489 You are doing your job well.
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Thank you, I really appreciate that you think so. ^.^
You'll have change the story rateing to Mature, if you are going to have more clop parts, it's the rules. I telling you because I don't what anything happening to your story.
I ran a hoof through my daughters little frill
Changeling Castle-Nursery-Apatelodes
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Ah thanks for pointing those out! I shall go fix them! ^.^ I was sure there must be a few I kept missing. :P
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*nods* I understand that. If I do feel the need to add more clop(not sure entirely yet if I will) then I will open a new story to put the clop versions of chapters in and the more clean versions here. My prereader told me one time(especially since it is nowhere near as uh... detailed... as many) should be fine for teen as long as I have the warnings, but anything else I would have to make it mature. (And I have had a few readers come forward saying they would stop reading if I was to have to make it mature, and I don't want that of course!)
Thank you both for your help and for commenting! This is just what this changeling needs to come home to after a long weekend away with no internet! ^.^
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Your prereader is either an idiot or a liar, then. Even a single instance of clop means a Mature rating. As of this chapter, your story is in violation of the rules. You need to either change the rating or remove the clop scene IMMEDIATELY or risk having this story taken down. None of us want that.
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Of course we don't want it taken down. *nods* Then I shall make an edit of it and make a new 'story' for the clop scenes (if I end up doing more than the one.) Yeah I was worried about such stuff....
7327028 Personally, this doesn't strike me as the kind of story that goes well with such content, at least not yet. Rating aside, the way the story was going, clop (or even the subject of such activity) was the last thing I expected. The presence of the scene felt forced. It just feels a little too soon for that sort of thing. If there's going to be clop, then let her think she can handle it a while, and let the guy warm up to the idea.
Also, don't forget that New Chryssie used to be human, so even with the hormones, she might not like the idea of doing it with another species at first. That could lead to some amusing awkwardness.
Yeah, a lot of authors use side stories for this sort of thing.
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(Best explanation I can give for it...)
Yeah I hear ya there. (It was all an uh... kind of tmi thing atm that made me want to write a heat scene?) But yeah it was really out there (which is part of what is making the next chapter... awkward? to write?) being my first foray into that type of writing and heh I guess basically my brain was elsewhere?
And that has always been the hardest part for me in writing in general, the buildup to romance. (Though until now I have always just written the kind of 'fade to black' kind of scenes...) The crazy changeling in me just wants all me charries to catch up to my brain in terms of their relationships? (At least I know it is a thing I need to work on. Keeping it until chapter 13 for their first kiss for example was hard.) Yeah both need to get used to the idea first. *nods*
Heh oh yes indeed it could! And awkwardness being amusing is fun to write.
I do really thank you by the way, besides my prereader, you have been the most help to me in my story so far(the two of you at least. Been talking with my prereader about it for some time, bouncing ideas off on them and such. They were originally very surprised about the scene as well. I guess I shouldn't have been letting my own crazy hormones write for me heh.) All this help is going to make my little story here better, (and hopefully help with getting more views! hehe) so really, thank you so much!
*nods* I have seen some of them
So I mean, I guess Discord chose somebody who would be specifically compliant with the whole idea of becoming Chrysalis, sure. Why he's helping is a different thing that should be answered soon, as well as to if he's power-restricted that he can only use this method to restore Chrysalis' youth.
Though, I am curious. If this Chrysalis was 520 years old, then who brought her into the world since Discord was in stone at the time?
Also, the scene at the very end, when new Chrysalis decides to check in the door...she trips, and then just decides not to look in the door anymore?
Well, it's nice to see the 500 years ago point brought up, but I feel like new!Chrysalis should be more inquisitive than she is.
Plus if ponies are building settlements around the badland, integrate them fully. If Celestia shows up to try to kick the changelings out further, point out to other nations as ponies being aggressively territorial,
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Precisely.
And it might be awhile, but I do plan on a situation coming up where it is explained a little better as to his powers for the spell.
Oh this will come up next time we see Discord, The new Chrysalis after all was a little overwhelmed at the moment and didn't even think to ask. (And when he comes to the party later, her attention is elsewhere.) But next time, she will be asking and he'll explain the story.
Hmmm good point. will have to fix that. Heh going back through this now I am seeing so much I want to rewrite....
And that is one of the thing I plan on fixing when I go back through it. After this month and the contest I am participating in, before I move on in the story I think I will go back and fix some little things at least, if not bigger things. (Of course this all will depend on what my commenters say, so thank you for helping me out with that!)
Very good idea! (And makes more sense. Will totally integrate this idea into the story. ^,^
A bit quick to acceptance in my opinion, but I like the concept. Would have been even better if the original chrysalis was construct of discord and he used a human soul to bring her to life.
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But yeah, guess the thought of her just liking villains is too weak of an excuse?
Hmm never thought of that, I do like the idea though! Possible idea for something in the future!
But either way, thanks for reading and commenting! Hope you like the rest of it. ^.^
If the OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
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And I guess the easiest way to answer it, would be to compare them to actors/actresses/'singers' voices? (And now looking through all my favorite actors/actresses voices, and some random ones, seeing which one fits best well... I am finding most of them are British/have non American accents, or are dead... heh... but that's not the important thing entirely...) Just going to post links to examples as embedding the video would make this way too long. :P Sooo
But he is very soft-spoken, almost a male Fluttershy, kind of a medium pitch voice, not a tenor nor an alto tone to it, but something inbetween? (See this is why I found it easier to find actors to portray them. 
)
Woah, that is a deep question! I like it!
Shiny Whistle- SINGING voice wise, I totally see him as a younger(less matured/trained voice) of Mario Lanza:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8o8SZng55T0
Speaking voice wise, Brian Bedford, more Specifically with his role of Robin Hood in Disney's Robin Hood. *Cough* And nope this isn't just because I had a crush on that sexy voice 'of a' handsome fox as a young girl, nope not at all.*Cough*
Lucky Shot- Barrie Ingham - (More specifically, the voice he does for Basil in The Great Mouse Detective.)
Fire Stick- I just CAN'T find an actor I feel portrays him best.
Apatelodes- Edward Hibbert- no specific character of his, but eh just feel like his voice would go well for him.
(ex.- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSmVoohSch4 )
Morpheus- Lionel Barrymore- (More Specifically in his portrayal of Mr. Potter in It's a Wonderful Life.)
Chiodes- Bill Hader- no specific role, but I was first drawn to him by his Portrayal of Fear in 'Inside Out'.
Nemoria- Janet Varney- mostly on her roll as Korra in Legend of Korra, but with a higher pitched voice.
Acronicta- Michelle Horn- (More specifically, when she was younger, with her voice for young Kiara in Lion King 2.)
Flintdust- Dan Blocker- no specific character of his. Just has that friendly, mildly deep voice?
(Aaaand pretty much all clips of him on youtube are tributes or full length Bonanza Episodes... x.x)
Any others you are curious about? (These are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head/ones that are more recurring in the story.)
Wow that was quite the question to think over! Stumped me for a bit there as even though I have thought of how their voices sounded, describing voices is nooot my strongest suit. Hope that is er... descriptive enough? heh and now I really am going to be hearing everyone talk in those other character's voices. Hehehe.