hamcon
Joined 13th Nov, 2012 ·
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Flow, and pacing suck. Needs more tact. I could help, if you want?
6625635 Sure, just PM everything that didn't flow in the story.
If this story only has one chapter called "The Only Chapter" why is it still incomplete?
6626152 Thank you for that, I forgot that I still had it as incomplete.
Good story, needs better grammar though, I could help, though I'm a slight grammar nazi, heil grammar
6626435 please, I see grammar nazi's on youtube everyday, do your worst.
6626435 If you want you can PM your email so you can edit the story on Gdocs
6626437 alright, keep an eye on your inbox, also, *pulls out a swastika with grammar written and puts it on my left arm* heil hitler... I mean grammar
is there going to a secong part to this?
6626539 No, there is not.
6625653
mkay. But, just to clarify wut I meant, it just feels so.... empty. Does that make sense?
Homonymic typos kill the mood. Still +1.
Not too bad. Still, little more details would be nice
6635240 No idea what homonymic means
6635518 Be live me when I say that I thought this story would be more disliked than liked. But yeah I could add more detail, I am just still new at clip stories.
6636529 Sorry, I meant "homophonic". Like to/too/two. Very confusing, makes me stop and think what word really fits there. Anyway, here are the typos and errors, homophonic and not:
an unicorn -> a unicorn
some of the text is missing, but I don’t think it could anything important -> "could _be_ anything", also spell checker suggests removing "of the"
lions -> loins
impressed.with how he looked -- spell checker suggests dropping "with"
Rainbow was no on his back -> Rainbow was no_w_ on his back
leack -> lea_k
oragsm -> or_ga_sm
masterbated -> mast_u_rbated
of the others saliva -> of the other_'_s saliva
won’t be to big -> won’t be to_o_ big
we have live with this -> we have _to_ live with this
they do know a unicorn -> they _did_ know a unicorn
Twilight came down to see what her friends. -> "what did her friends want" maybe?
the mates in Ponyville -> the ma_r_es in Ponyville
she is too crazy to experience it -> she _was_ too crazy to experience it
they ran hear to get -> they ran _here_ to get
“Well, it seems that we have to wait it out,” -> needs a paragraph break before the "Well"
“Sorry girls, -> “Sorry_,_ girls,
Lets see -> Let's see
the potion will relief a mare -> the potion will relie_ve_ a mare
for the rest remainder of her heat cycle -- either "rest" or "remainder" is redundant
tied to the bedpost by his four legs -> "tied to _ bedpost_s_ by his four legs" (unless all his four legs were tied to the same bedpost)
back to business," -> back to business_._"
played the book -> laid the book
After mixing it all together, the liquid was a bright orange -> After _they mixed_ it all together, the liquid was a bright orange (or many other variants)
after get some more -> after _we_ get some more
her friends logic -> her friend_'_s logic
became for stallion-like -> became _ stallion-like
smelt -> smelled (not obligatory, but "smelt" brings images of ore smelting and fishes)
and it’s length -> and it_s_ length
“but, what if I get you pregnant --> should start a new paragraph
into each others mouth -> into each other_'_s mouth_s_
others' saliva -> other_'_s_ saliva
red as the saw -> red as the_y_ saw
After Applejack explained what happened to her brother -> After Applejack explained to her brother what happened (otherwise it may also mean explaining to somebody else what happened to Big Mac)
takes away a mares heat -> takes away a mare_'_s heat
as the bolted out the door -> as the_y_ bolted out the door
Well, I’m about to let you be the only one get enjoyment out of this. -> Well, I’m _not_ about to let you be the only one get_ting_ enjoyment out of this.
As he sniffed it in smell -> As he sniffed it _
After mixing it all together, the liquid was a bright orange, and had the smell of oranges too. -> After _it was all mixed_ together, the liquid was a bright orange, and had the smell of oranges too.
http://pastebin.com/WfdtabiX
Feel free to delete this post.
Sequel!!!!! I want to read what happen later and if Applejack drink the potion too!!!
By the way:
So that mean that AJ will not drink the potion? and Dash didn't enjoy it?
6644312 fixed, it was suppose to be "Well, I'm not about..."
I do recall seeing one part where Rainbow said
"no I know why it takes away a mare's heat."
I'm guessing it's supposed to say "now"
Good story,
hoofbump.