My Two Favorite People

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Just Defender

Just Defender #1 · Nov 14th, 2015 · 2 · ·

(spit-take) the dude is named Chris?
Sounds familiar...

ChaseArni

ChaseArni #2 · Nov 14th, 2015 · 2 · ·

Bon Bon, Lyra, and Chris?...methinks someone needs to cry Pusspuss.

Pusspuss

Pusspuss #3 · Nov 15th, 2015 · · ·

Bon Bon and Lyra are Chris'

... Nah... It has to be a coincidence. Still, it freaked me out. I shall read this later.

Norm De Plume

Norm De Plume #4 · Nov 15th, 2015 · · ·

http://kittenseitz.deviantart.com/art/Lyra-and-Bon-Bon-281679443

Art Source.

Also, you missed one:

"Bedtime, come on." I sighed.
"Can I sleep on the couch?" Lyra asked.

Commissar Derpy Hooves

Commissar Derpy Hooves #5 · Nov 19th, 2015 · · ·

"Neolithic revolution......2 billion years ago" UNFATHOMABLE RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARHG IT WAS 12,000 YEARS AGO!

ThunderCracker

ThunderCracker #6 · Nov 21st, 2015 · · ·

6650143 I'll fix if needed

Edit: was fixed

Commissar Derpy Hooves

Commissar Derpy Hooves #7 · Nov 21st, 2015 · · ·

6653537 Oh really....floats my boat!

The oracle

The oracle #8 · Nov 25th, 2015 · · ·

I found this adorable

Drakalian

Drakalian #9 · Dec 4th, 2015 · 5 · ·

I wanted to like this, I really did, but it just seemed a bit...well, rushed for me. I would go into details, but writing on my phone is kind of difficult, so I'll just get to the main points.

So, the beginning was a good start...nah, a great start. You gave them enough character and personality that they felt like actual people. The sex itself...well, while a bit short for my taste, it was still nice, though you could have done a bit better with the detailing of certain parts during the sex scene.

Now...the transition from plot to...well, "plot". It was...sudden. I don't mean like "oh it's just a bit rushed there wasn't any build up" I mean it just...well, there. I mean, first he was confessing his love, the two are completely ok with it (that part itself is that bit of a deal, since they did exposing it rather nicely) and then for their first date is...well, sex. And they are...ok with that too...the reasoning that Chris brought up for why was just...well, to me, it made him sound selfish and...prudent, for a lack of better words. It was all just so sudden for me that it knocked me into a loop and well...it just killed the mood entirely.

Anyways, those were my major concerns I had, but otherwise, while I won't like this story, I also won't dislike it either. Hopefully you'll get better as time goes on, and I do wish you the he's of luck. You've got potential...now put it to use and make us writers proud.

Lemondance