A young Changeling Princess makes a deal with the Devil to save her two unhatched daughters.
But the chaotic Devil is a fickle and devious creature and one should always be careful about what one wishes for.
Now set in the backdrop of the most prestigious Canterolt wedding in centuries, the Queen comes to collect what is rightfully hers.
But will she get what she had asked for so long ago?
Will the lives they have lived up until this point be compatible with hers and her races?
And more importantly, will they ever see her as their mother?
Special thanks to The Cake Devil for editing.
Chapters (5)
When the timeframe was revealed, I was really expecting the daughters to be Celestia and Luna.
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This might be the best written Bug-Horse I've read, yet.
Most authors who try to give her some character just end up giving her the Draco in leather pants treatment.
WHO ARE THE KIDS!?
in this last chapters you have in my opinion alludet to one of Chrysalis daughters being Fluttershy, Pinkie pie or Rarity
This could use some editing, there are parts where it's a bit hard to follow.
That was a hoot!
is that a typo in the description?
6607539 Damn, yes it is. Sorry about that. It has been fixed.
6607547 your welcome
I really like the premise, mainly cause I am a sucker for Chrysalis having Mane 6 kids. Or really any of the Mane 6 being changelings. But I feel that is all this story has going for it, a premise. It is probably why I read as much as I did and why I feel so suckered in. The execution of the story needs a lot of work. I can't even judge the pacing of the story since the sentences, word choice, and grammar are all over the place. I have a general idea of what is going on but I cannot really point out a whole lot of specifics since this was so hard to read. It would be easier to pick out the sentences that are right than list all the ones that need fixing.
I would consider this a rough draft that would need to be heavily edited. I unfortunately do not know how comfortable the author is with the English language but I would suggest just reading through it correcting sentences so they make sense in terms of the narration. There also needs to be a definitive choice of tense. Right now the narration flip-flops between past tense and present tense; I suggest going with past tense.
I would be willing to act as a mild consultant in this story but I would not do the editing of it. I would probably want to rewrite every paragraph and I just do not have time for that. However, questions about how something should be written and little things I would be happy to answer.
6607081
"Some"?
I'm adding to what's already been said. Really nice premise and even characters so far, but this story could really use the touch-up of an editor.
Still, what I've seen so far is good. Don't get me wrong on that.
The right editor would easily push this story clean to great, though.
...Did something happen to this story?
A direct link seem to work just fine, but its not showing in any of my shelves anymore.
Given the potential I've seen so far, I do hope you aren't considering unpublishing slash deleting this.
Is there going to be any more?
Living Madness where is the next chapter for this story
*reads*
*suddenly finds the chapter ends*
*reaches for "Next"*
SON OF A BITCH!
6606032 I know right?!
I need more chapters plz
Okay so we know where one daughter ended up. Is Twilight the other one?
The rewrite did a lot of difference. Good work!
So Isobel has been returned home, likely by Discord somehow but can't understand anypony and with apparently her mother. So where is her sister?
6742372 I think the other one was her sister. It wasn't particularly clear of course but I think the guards would have brought in one of the Princesses if Chrysy was there.
That was actually good. A little hard a the beginning of Isobel's entry to figure out exactly what happened, but still good given her current state.
OOOooooo I am just loving this! Keep up the good work. :D
Hmmm im really enjoying this fan fic great way to do somthing i have not seen before and you are doing it magnificently
If I'm reading this right, the only thing that confuses me is why Pinkie knew what she was but Isobel didn't... That, and why the invasion brought Larvalette into Equestria, but that part will probably be answered next time. Pretty good so far!
6752320 All in good time my good man.
Ok I'm done. Isobel's story in between Chrysalis fast paced story doesn't work for me. Chrysalis parts were too far part to keep up the tension and I wanted to skip Isobel's parts to get back to Chrysalis.
Isobel's story is a fine story but starting here doesn't work for me.
Ways to fix:
Start Isobel's story earlier when Chrysalis's story isn't in the middle of an action sequence.
Start it later. For example end one chapter on Isobel arriving in Equestria and introducing herself. And the next one is her story until she arrives in Equestria.
Cut it all together. Isobel come from such a different world from the ponies that a lot of her background will naturally come out as she introduces herself to the ponies. (What you wrote won't go to waste, you know it. it will influence your writing of her.)
My bets are on Twi and Pinkie being the changelings.
I think that it is Futtershy or Rarity
I really hope it's Fluttershy I don't but really I will be happy with any of those three (but not Rarity very much)
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huuuunnnggggghhhhh
Has this been abandoned this was the reason I joined FIMfiction.
I'm So grateful for this story please continue writeing!
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7537112 I thought Rarity and Pinkie.
wow. this story is truly fascinating. It’s unfortunate that this story is most likely dead
I hope this someday undies.
Not gonna lie, this actually does inspire me... Considering the author's last connection point however I do not know if they will come back to update or anything in the foreseeable future.
What’s this? Only five chapters? This actually sounds like a lot of fun to read. Will it last long enough to pick out the two daughters.