Oh man, look at these word counts! So perfect!

Also, I really had no idea how long this was. Wow, I'm impressed.

both parts of the story was beautiful....good work!

Or at least, a being that somewhat amounts to the approximation of a human, you can never quite know with the Internet.

This quote...Interests me....

I will now read your story.

6597078 agreed

And now I get a boner...Impressive build up, a nice bit of story...and then sex.

...... i got nothing.
9 s out of 10!

A very well-written fic with interesting TF elements and lots of fun sexytimes. Well done.

That piston metaphor is just not a good thing as when I think of that I immediately imagine a four stroke engine and the four stages and then I imagine an actual piston going in and out and laugh

The back in forth between gender pronouns in the beginning sounds like a good idea, except that reading it is really jarring. I know it was intentional, but couldn't you have done it a different way?

6596981
Bah. If it's my day off then 3pm is still considered 'morning'.

6598282 Almost any porn becomes hilarious once your brain starts playing 'Powerhouse' during...

This is pretty darn good. Might want to work on those side-effects a bit before going commercial tho, Twi...

Chapter 3 : Month later, Twilight discovers she's with foal. Hijinks ensue. XD

6599531
Well she'd need to test genetic viability, wouldn't she?

6599531 Twilight did note repeatedly that Rainbow's virility appeared to have been supercharged by his/her link to the Elements of Harmony/Rainbow Power. Somehow I don't think the vanilla anti-pregnancy spell she cast is going to cut it.

That was... Wow. What a great read. Great job!
A few typos (a lot of the 'passed' should be 'past' instead) but all in all, a great read

6596981 You mean to tell me that your morning ends at 12?! Who are you...

6597143

Twilight aren't we supposed to keep food outside of the lab?

Oh right...

Out of the sterile sections maybe, but a science cannot be done on an empty stomach!

6597244 I did too.

6599187 Well, the way I see it, the transformation magic inside the potion was unintentionally stimulating all of her nerve endings, and creating new ones where appropriate. So the unimaginable pain comes from all her pain nerve endings being warped and reconfigured. This is the same for the unimaginable pleasure, ever had each of your pleasure senses stimulated at once? I haven't, that'd be a bit uncomfortable to be honest.

6599191 I was going to use Zalgofied text, being:

̷͠H̢̢͢i̷̧ş̡ brain hurt.
It was as though an ocean was claiming h̷̕͞e̶̛r̕.

But was talked down from it by my editor. In any case however, the jarringness was kind of what I wanted, I wanted the reader to be just as confused as RD was at that time, making their brain twinge as they read it. It's safe to say I was somewhat successful.

6599301 <- This guy knows what's up.

6599380

But even yet I refrained and kept still. I scarcely breathed. I held the lantern motionless. I tried how steadily I could maintain the ray upon the eve. Meantime the hellish tattoo of the heart increased. It grew quicker and quicker, and louder and louder every instant. The old man's terror must have been extreme! It grew louder, I say, louder every moment! --do you mark me well I have told you that I am nervous: so I am.

Poe is my bae.

6601480 I pushed passed the earnest comment, looking at my past with a shorter rest. Passing past and pushing passed are hard parts to get passed. Though as I understand, if my past is true, and if I passed my class, the past was always the past, where the troubles were passed. However, looking upon the dictionary once more, I find that in the past, past could mean passed, as it says that passed could mean to go past, though passed could never be past, as the past is something else entirely. Basically, what I'm saying is that if we look passed passing the past, or past the passing past, we know that passed and past can be each other, where used in meaning 'to pass', 'be passed', and 'move past'.

6601834 The magic of English!

6603143

cdn2.kevinmd.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/salt_0310.jpg

Hot.

Its marked as complete, but you forgot chapter 3. When and how the change back occurs....or doesn't...and if the relationship continues....or doesn't. You missing the perfect chance for some Pony Yuri TwiDash moments!!!

That can't be all! More juicy story please.

NEED MORE!!!!!!

6603210 Can't tell if the guy you linked is a troll or a bot.

As for the story, I loved it. I hope you write more of this and soon. And the question I have is was the potion transformation permanent, or does Rainbow change back after a few days?

It was a good story. Kind of wished it continued though.

It leaves a lot of questions open ended. But that is probably part of the mystery.

6603143 By that logic, MLP is: Stupid Moralistic Television Show Involving Female Leads #24,870

It is almost impossible to be original these days, success mostly focuses on how well you use these unoriginal ideas, and how well you wrap them all together.

I think SoSoft did well for a first fic, it's well written and the scene in question was drawn out well. Good on him.

6608704 I suppose I can't really fault you there, but when you think about it, the entire reason fanfiction exists is due to the recycling of ideas. Every fanfiction itself is already based off something, that's why it's fanfiction.

However, I see your point, and have no reason to outright dismiss it.

Eh, it's alright. It felt like you were writing what you didn't want to, in order to make it appealing to the reader. I think the highlight of the story was when Dash said, "sweet Celestia I now know what it feels like to have a boner."

6604245 Your profile picture makes it seem that you did, in fact, eat something very hot.

6604609 6604810 6604892 6606853 6605082
I originally wanted to make this a fleshed out story, involving much more sex and story elements, but I'm afraid I haven't the talent at this moment. I even had a bunch of chapter titles planned: Spit Roast (RD->Spitfire<-Soarin), Best Party Ever (RD->Pinkie), Animalistic Urges (RD->Fs), Old Friends (RD->Gilda)...

This story is more of a training ground for if I can write good clop and put it somewhere in the context of a story. Later on, I might see about adding some more story elements to assist the romance of the clop, instead of just clop. I might even expand on this story later, in a sequel or continuation.

Right now though? I just want to focus on clop.

Oh and, 6605082, the potion is an antidote type deal, it's permanent until RD drinks the reverse potion.

6603143 I find your conclusion in setting my story into a category, very limiting when it comes to thinking of 'new' ideas, I mean, 6608652 said it pretty well, it is pretty much impossible to come up with 'new' ideas. If I was to deconstruct your comment though, you have an air that you know of an idea that is utterly new, in fact, you have an air about you that pretty much screams that you have an expert talent in thinking of completely original ideas that any attempt from anyone else is 'laughably incompetent'.

However, being a writer, I am open to new ideas. So I would be rather happy if you could perhaps give a taste of your overwhelming competence in thinking of something completely original, so I may be able to write something that caters to your needs as well?

I'm sorry if I came off as mad, you did essentially insult my passion and hard work.

6609686

It felt like you were writing what you didn't want to, in order to make it appealing to the reader.

How so? I mean, if you're talking about excluding the whole 'transgendered' aspect, then you'd be wrong, what I really wanted to write was a fic in which Rainbow turns into a stallion then makes sweet love to Twilight, the emotional part always was just something to drive the clop.

6609741
I dunno, stuff just felt strained like "You have this quality about you that screams I'm a nerd, but also whispers I'm a sexy beast, like I'll take you to my room and let you ravage me sort of sexy beast," just doesn't strike me as a smooth progression from what came before. I guess it's more like you weren't sure how to set things up so TFTG Dash would be porking Purplesmart, so it kind of just kind of proceeded that way by authorial plot device. That made the lead-in feel more like you were just doing it out of obligation, rather than actually wanting to write the non-boinking parts.

6609804 Well, your point remains valid, and I will admit that I pretty much forced myself to try and put in some non-boinking bits in to practice writing that sort of stuff. I can tell that I'm not all that good at incorporating the fluidity of it right now, that's why I want to make sure that I do it and get it right eventually.

I want to write stories that hit you in the heart as it fondles your privates, but right now? I haven't the skill.

Still, I wasn't sure what I should put in before the porking bit, I mean, I knew that it had to come soon, but Twilight couldn't just jump Rainbow's nuts as soon as he awoke, that seems less natural than trying to shoehorn in a plot continuation... to me at least.

Anyway, your critique is valid, and I thank you for your time with this.

6616767

I want to write stories that hit you in the heart as it fondles your privates, but right now? I haven't the skill.

Well, yeah that's why I said it was only "alright" as opposed to "awesome" or "hilarious." You didn't do bad, just nothing I'd trumpet the praises of. It's a fairly decent setup. If you want to write stuff that hits us in the heart, I suggest you spend some time asking yourself what hits you in the heart. If you can make yourself feel, then not only will you write more passionately, but you stand a chance at making others feel.

I guess my best idea for advice is, never write anything you don't intend to use. You don't have to be all J.K. Rowling and have the insignificant widget you introduce at the beginning be the key to beating the BBEG at the end of every book, but if you're going to emphasize something in your story, people are going to wonder why, if nothing ever comes of it.

19.63742 percent

Remember significant digits Twilight.

6645723 Twilight rounds to seven significant digits.

6650453
With the measurements given she should only have on sig div

6714525 voicemenu 0 1.

Duplication feels weird. There are more of these throughout the story. I think it's important that you recognize the pattern, rather than fix every individual mistake.

I might be more wizened to it in later writings, but I can't pick them up in this one because I've already written it. You're much more sensitive to picking up these errors than I am because I wrote the thing, I am blind to its mistakes.

causing the pleasure to increase passed the threshold of pain

"past"

Refer to the end of this comment: 6601834

Chapper doe:

she could feel the pleasure amounting again

'Amounting' is a word, I promise.

Thanks again!

Dash at the beginning of the chapter:

XD I apologize if I offend anyone.