♪ We're up all night to get pony! ♫
What happens when Rainbow Blitz discovers something that Twilight Sparkle discovered a long time ago...
Well I hope that something like this.
Rule 63 Rainbow Dash X Twilight Sparkle.
This is my first fic ever and my first try at writing.
Every feedback is really appreciated to help me grow.
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As of 7/3/2015 this story is officially out of hiatus!
Now being edited by soulwinds
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Wow so he has a thing for his co-workers now?
Should be later.
Should be these.
Both of those should just be written as "is".
Try and look out for mistakes such as these. They aren't to major but can still be distracting.
whoa wait hold whoa hang on whoa wait what. Alright, may just be me, but you REALLY shoulda' established WHO was rule 63'd in this universe beforehand. That may just be me, but all of the sudden I hear "Butterscotch" and go "who?" and then you say shy and I go "oh... wait what?" and it's just.... yeeaaaahh. Aside from the male/female confusion, not bad. Still a few errors dotted about, but generally nothing distracting from the actual story. Still need to slow it down a bit, since in the ~800 words of this chapter you covered ~2000 words worth of information and description. Take your time, describe the scene, the actions, the feelings, the thoughts, everything. the dialogue feels relatively natural, it's just the descriptions you need to work on, and maybe a little bit of setting the scene. For example, what was AJ's normal mourning routine? You said she... he, still need to get used to that.... You said he was out picking apples when Rainbow got there, but what exactly was he doing? Was he walking to the next tree? in the middle of bucking a tree? setting up the buckets under the tree? How was the weather? what did the orchard look like in the morning? How high was the sun? Stuff like that, minute details that helps the reader immerse themselves into the world you created. There should be very little left up to our imaginations.
Set the scene, describe the scene, then have the ACTUAL scene take place in the area you have taken time to explain and set up.
Hope this helps at least a little, looking forward to more.
2983723
I'll be more careful with the description then, thank you for the advise.
Regarding the rule 63 psicodelia, well let's just say that I have a really ambitious project.
At least I'll add an author note stating the actual state of the mane 6. I wanted to do that from the beginning but it was really late and it kind of slipped of my mind.
2983601
Already fixed.
Thank you for pointing those out and for the advice. Sorry for not noticing your comment earlier, I just didn't see it.
On a different note, your comment about the co-workers was hilarious.
The quality has definitely improved, however it would be nice to make it easier to tell which lines are thoughts and which lines are speech, italics usually work for that.
I see much improvement over the last two chapters, though the pacing is still a bit too fast and there are still a few flow issues, you'll generally work those out with practice. Simple things like which order you should put words in, or even the finer differences in the vocabulary you use. But, like I said, a lot of that will come with time and practice.
Looking forward to more.
3086352 Thanks, I'll keep that in mind...
3086677 Thanks. And yes, i though of doing some one shots and edit this fic once it's over. I really want to gain some practice before continuing with my plan.
Suck it Skeeter!
Now that I've done my "I beat Skeeter to a TwiDash fic" warm-up ritual, it's time to read this... Looks promising.
Okay, again just little things are misspelled, said the wrong way, and other stuff, and I'm not trying to be mean, but have you grabbed an inexperienced proofreader? Or was this just done and published?
If your still on your search, i'm available. I can clean all this up for you, this is a very neat story! And i'd love to proofread this for you.
But anyways, your pacing is a bit...too fast. Other than that, I see nothing wrong with it.
~theviciouskiller
why does the home page say this story updated, and yet this page says it didn't?
5707255
That is certainly a good question. I did update it though. I replaced the first chapter for the first half of it, Rewritten of course.
It's alive! It's alive! Mwahahahahahahha [Thunder/lightning in background]
*Ahem*
Sorry, I get excited when dead things come back to life.... that needs to happen more. Or less... the zombie-fic uprising is upon us. Hide your OC's, hide your plot points, everything's coming back from the grave!
Err..... yeah.... right, actual comment time.
It's been a long time, so I don't remember what this fic was like when it was originally written, but I'm going to assume this was better than it was. That being said, you could really use an editor; I saw quite a few little mistakes that an editor could easily catch for you.
5707549
(Isn't like a group of those thingies?)
So, you heard the boss, anyone up to reading this... things, before they come out and spot any (many) error/s. You are welcome!
Just PM me.
If no one here wants to then I'll have to *sigh* search one.