...And Gets Mexico to Pay For It

Lyra placed her lyre in its storage case, shutting the lid and securing the latches. She wiped her brow with the back of her forehoof, exhausted after the performance. She only did concerts like this one every so often, and they were great fun to do, but they really did take a lot out of her. Perhaps she could put together something with Octavia, that cellist.

She levitated the carry case into the air, surrounded by the golden aura of her magic, and trotted out the entrance of the theater into the dark purple night. Ponies were still making their way about the streets despite the hour, most likely from the performance. The town was dimly lit by the occasional illuminated window of the town’s houses, and by Luna’s moon, shining brightly in the sky amongst the stars.

She made her way down the street, waving to a few of the ponies she recognized along the way. After a brisk walk, she came to her destination; a small cottage near the center of the town. The lights were on inside.

Lyra pushed open the door, a big smile on her face. “Hey Bonnie, I’m home!”

A similarly excited mare greeted her from across the room. “Lyra! How did the concert go?”

She was about to reply, but something interrupted her. Something… undefinable. Indescribable. She pointed her nose up in the air and took a sniff, looking around for anything out of the ordinary.

No. There is no-

Her fur began to stand on end, and her left ear began frantically twitching.

Oh dear Celestia. It’s happening!

Bon Bon was now right in front of her, waving a cream hoof in her face. “L-Lyra? Are you alright? Are you having another one of those ‘moments’ you keep talking about?”

Lyra looked back at her with a face of pure, unrefined horror. “I... sense a disturbance in the force.”

Bon Bon reeled back, her face now matching, if not exceeding Lyra’s. “Y-you can’t be right. There is n-no way that's happening. That's a worst-case scenario!”

Lyra stared down at the ground, a feeling of defeat washing over her. No. She was right. Her senses were telling the truth. “Bon Bon?”

“Yes…?”

“IT’S COMING.”

"W-what's coming?!"

"Winter. WINTER... IS COMING."

Deep within the dungeons of the executive's headquarters, at a round table sat the rubbery, pastel-colored horse heads of the buisinessmen wearing tuxedos. Within each of the member's eyes, hellfire and brimstone could be seen bubbling and stewing, waiting to be released upon some poor 5 year old child or scruffy middle aged man living in his parent's basement.

One with a light pink coat and a horn swung its long face towards another, the cold rubber flopping about extremely unnaturally. "Sir! Princess Twilight Sparkle™ was not enough! Not even with the help of the New Magic Rainbow Crystal Friendship Castle™!" Its head flopped about loosely as it spoke.

The purple head it was talking to flailed its long face in the other's direction, its muzzle bending from the sudden movements. Suddenly, Just Deal With It™ glasses appeared on its face. Its hand reached up, and slowly, dramatically removed the glasses from its evil boggle-eyes. "Mother of god! He’s right!”

Another executive with a mint green coat spoke up across the table. “Sir, I really don’t want to do this, but... I think we’ve been left with no choice…”

“No…you’re not seriously suggesting—“

“Yes…I am.”

The two horse-headed, tuxedo-wearing executives looked stared aimlessly at each other for a moment, carefully calculating their next moves.

“We must…put a new director in charge of the show. We must… get Michael Bay™.”

All the other horse heads around the table stood up at once, a panicked murmur (and a few startled ‘neighs’) filling the room. “Sir! That’s madness! The ponies won’t last a single day!”

Silence washed over the table. Nobody dared to speak. He was right... sending in The Bay™ would surely spell doom for the cartoon horses. It'd be flat out murder. Cold-blooded killing. Eventually, the lead purple horse head sat down.

"I'm sorry, but it'd be far too-"

Suddenly, a massive explosion was set off in the air above them, blowing all the executives off their seats. The lead executive picked himself up, swinging his purple face around to the location of the explosion.

A majestic, fluffy white cloud was hovering above the table, casting gloriousness upon all that watched. It, however, was nothing compared to the majesty of what was standing upon it. Standing upon the cloud, looking like he was about to arm wrestle Vladimir Putin, was none other than....

Shia Labeouf™ .

"DO IT!"

"B-but sir, it'd be mur-"

"DON'T LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS!"

"But what if your dreams are about mur-"

"JUST,"

"N-no, I can't! It's too heinous of a crime for even me to commit!"

"DO IT!!!"

The executive picked up his chair and sat down on it, resting his head on his hands. "I... I can do it."

"MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!!"

"I... I can do it!"

"YES YOU CAN! JUST DO IT!"

Finally, the executive horse head looked up.

“Send in... Michael Bay™.”

The first indication Rarity got that events in the normally quaint little town of Ponyville were not as they normally were, was when the giant phallus-shaped shadow slowly began enveloping the small farming town.

Rarity directed her gaze upwards, holding a hoof above her eyes to get a better view.

"Oh my, that is one great big black-"

"Cock! You need to cock the rifle first before it will fire, Private!"

"Sir yes sir… Holy ponyfeathers, corporal, is that what I'm thinking it is?

"By Celestia, you're right! It looks like one great big-"

"Pecker! There, under the apple tree!"

"Oh I say old chap, that is one fine woodpecke- oh what-ho, look at that thing in the sky! I could swear that it's one massive-"

"Dong! Pay attention in class!"

"I'm sorry senpai, I was looking out the window at the big-"

"Dick! Do you see that thing in the sky over there?"

"By Celestia, John... it looks like an unholy pair of-"

"Plums! I need you to get some plums from the shops!"

"Sure th... oh my Luna do you see that humongous-"

"Penis! It looks just like a massive, black penis!"

Everypony turned and stared at Cherillee like they had just seen her turn into a changeling. She looked back at them as sheepishly as a pony could possibly pull off. "...What? It does..."

Surprisingly, they all nodded in agreement.

It was at that very moment, that the giant black cock in the sky decided the time was right.

Winter is coming.

Aliens began descending from the ship, armed with laser guns. Explosions began going off around the town randomly, blowing up various fruit and vegetable stands, but not anything else. A bomb landed in the remains of The Golden Oaks Library, exploding only moments later.

Spike looked on in awe. "You... can explode twice!" He picked up Gummy and shouted right into his face. "Did you see that Gummy?!? You CAN explode twice!!!"

What is an explosion, but a simple, rapid expansion of gas, and particles, after the reaction of two volatile chemicals? Is it but a simple act of science, or perhaps something more? Perhaps, a metaphor of life, for the departure of something before its time…something not yet ready to leave. Something that leaves too soon, too quickly, so much so, that you never get to say goodbye.

Although, isn't everything?

But what, exactly, does it mean to explode twice? Perhaps that is something only a true immortal could answer. Perhaps, it is a sign of determination; of one's sheer determination to not give up, to not give in to the willpower of Mother Nature.

But what... what if you were to explode thrice?!?!

Twilight Sparkle ~~crashed~~ did a fast landing onto the town square, taking a moment to recover. "Everypony, calm down! We need to stay organized if we are to have a hope of defeating these...things!"

Despite her efforts, everypony still ran about the town like they were headless horses. Oh, dear Celesita....

Celestia magically appeared in front of Twilight with a slightly suspicious look on her face. "Oh, you called?"

"Wh-I-well-no-yes-I mean..." Twilight took a breath. "You never did this before when I thought that!"

"Of course I didn't, I just felt like doing it this time."

"…Right… well, I need your help keeping everypony calm, they're all running around like-"

"-like headless horses, yeah. I heard the writer snickering from down in his mom's basement about that one." Without mentioning another word on the subject, she turned around to address the town. "WE REQUIRE THY ATTENTION AT THEE MOMENT OF GREATEST IMPORTANCE!!!!"

The entire town stopped and stared up at her.

"AS I'M CERTANIAL THEE ALLETH THYETH KNOWETH, MASSEVETH PRIVATETH PARTISH FLYINGETH OBJECTETH ITH TAKETH OVERETH THY TOWN! WE REQURETH THY PONIES ALLTH REMAINETH TRANQUIL!!!"

Everypony stared at each other, wondering what the hell she had just said...

...Before they immediately returned to running around like headless horses again.

"I'd say they look more like headless chickens now." Celestia pointedly stated to the writer.

Yes Celestia, but that is a term that we use in the human world. To use a term like 'everyone' or 'oh my god’ in a pony fanfiction would be a sin akin to homosexuality.

"Point taken."

All of a sudden, the entire town square inexplicably exploded, and everything went black.

"Lyra! How are we going to defeat this massive alien mothership!?"

"We need to get past their defenses, Bon Bon. See those aliens over there? We need to take them out to get on board." She pointed her hoof to a group of about five Michael Bay aliens, all armed with massive laser guns.

"CHAARRRRGEEEE"

The two ponies charged, and the aliens opened fire. From the heavens, the erethral sound of Ryde of the Valkyries began playing. Inexplicably, however, they all horribly missed, shooting at everything other than what they were aiming at, and the two managed to take them all out with no harm.

"Good, now let's go find that one wire that when cut, will stop not only the ship, but all the invading aliens as well!"

The townsponies aimlessly galloped about the town, fear struck into their hearts. Little did they know... their savior was just around the corner.

A golden light appeared on the horizon, beaming rays of light upon the shadowed town. It began to come closer and closer, and as it neared the town, a faint 'chop chop chop chop' sound began to emanate from it. As the light drew nearer, the sound became louder and clearer.

Eventually, as the light hovered directly overhead, it became clear that the source was not just one object, but multiple.

Helicopters. That’s what they were. Three of them, to be exact.

And they were gold. Gold plated. As they descended from the sky, the golden shine blinded the onlooking ponies in an awe-inspiring display of dickheadish wealth.

"MY EYES!" One pony screamed in agony as his very irises were burned to a crisp.

The helicopters touched down, and as the rotors began whirring down, a single suited figure stepped out. He was nothing like any of the ponies had ever seen. That face, that glare... that hair... it was all too much for the flower ponies.

"THE HORROR!" They shouted as their limp bodies fell to the dusty earth.

The unholy figure made his way to a stage that Twilight could have sworn was not there a moment earlier. An eerie sound of applause and whistling could be heard from far over the Crystal Mountains.

The bipedal pony stepped up onto the blue, white, and red decorated stage, and took hold of the microphone.

"Ponies, I am very rich. I am also very smart. I'm a nice guy, as well."

Everyone nodded, in agreement.

"You wrote 'Everyone', you know..." Celestia pointed out to the writer.

Celestia dammit, Celestia, I was really hoping everyone'd miss that. Guess I'm going to brony hell now.

Trump continued speaking. “I have also made lots of money. I am a very successful businessman. Why? Because I am smart. I have a gift from god; I have a very good brain. My success in business proves that.”

Celestia put on a face of pure disgust. “That plothole.”

“Ponies, I am the biggest and the best at the military. All the other politicians are stupid. Our country is run by idiots!”

Celestia scoured even more. “You had to make it personal, didn’t you, Trump? Well you know what? F*** you!”

"I know what we need to do. If you vote trump, I'll build a wall. And trust me; nobody is better at building walls than I am. I'll build a giant wall to keep all the aliens out- mark my words- and I'll get Mexico to pay for it-"

“Wait, what is Mexico-” Twilight attempted to interrupt.

"MARK MY WORDS!"

The now massive crowd of ponies erupted in a roar of cheering. "VOTE TRUMP, VOTE TRUMP, VOTE TRUMP!"

“I mean, don’t get me wrong; like I said, I’m a nice guy. I like aliens. Heck, even some of my best friends are alien. In fact, the other day, I was at a bar, and two people walked up to me, and they said ‘Trump, we love you!’, and I said ‘where are you from?’ and they said ‘We’re aliens!’. And I said, ‘I love you too’. I have nothing against aliens, but, they’re murderers, they’re rapists, and they’re very, very, sick beings who need help. That is why we must kill them all.”

The crowd of ponies erupted in cheering once more.

“AND CELESTIA ISN’T A LEGAL RESIDENT OF EQUESTRIA! SHE HAS NO BIRTH CERTIFICATE!”

"That's because I was born before birth certificates even existed..." Celestia hopelessly tried to object over the unstoppable rally for Donald Trump.

All of a sudden, a great red, white, and blue horn began sprouting out of Donald Trump’s head. Wings of the same color scheme began growing on his back, as well. He began to levitate in the air as a brilliant red white and blue light emanated off of him.

Celestia reeled back in awe. “DEAR GOD… DONALD TRUMPTICORN! THE MAJESTY!”

The distant sound of M.A. Larson snickering could be heard from the pits of Tartarus.

Suddenly, his horn illuminated as a wall began to materialize in front of the alien mothership. As its construction neared completion, all of a sudden, the aliens began to falter.

"The aliens! Their weakness is walls!"

"BUILD MORE WALLS!"

Donald Trump focused all his magic into building more walls around the town. One, then another, they obstructed everything. Eventually, the walls became too great for the aliens to endure, and they all dropped dead.

The giant black penis-shaped alien mothership crashed to the earth in a massive explosion that even Michael Bay himself would be proud of.

The horn upon Trump's head dematerialized, and he turned towards the crowd.

"Thanks, for making 'Murika great again. And send the bill to Mexico."

Happy 5th anniversary all you horsef***ers.

Author's Note:

Yes, I know it's more than a week late, but good things take time.... :D Hahahaha, I can't keep a straight face. But in all seriousness, getting this story approved was a real pain. Turns out, you can't mention the word 'Hasbro' in your story. The more you know...
Anyway, this was just something where I went "F*** it." and just sat down and wrote, after I was getting frustrated with the progress of my other stories.
This is the result of quite a few ideas combined. It could have been done better, but sometimes, you just have to DO IT!™

And remember kids, don’t let your memes be memes, or your dreams be dreams. Also, remember to rage at me in the comments with how s*** this is.

Special thanks to my Pre-Reader: supermariosoniclover

4,005 views

127

Comments ( 81 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 81
- Newest First
- Oldest First

rainbowscratch27

rainbowscratch27 #1 · Oct 18th, 2015 · · ·

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh sigh just ugh why, why would u do this

Kaf_Kraked_Poni

Kaf_Kraked_Poni #2 · Oct 18th, 2015 · · ·

Honestly, I was too disinterested to read straight through. I skimmed it, saw the memes, and told myself, "well done for spotting them." I guess since this is a crack fic, it doesn't really deserve any bitching or moaning, and it did accomplish what it sought out to do. Props for that.

I won't thumbs up, but I won't thumbs down cuz it wasn't terrible. This has been a Meh Review by Mondai Shunketsu. Whatever...

Zerocool7785