After immense research, Twilight comes to a startling revelation. She decides to tell Spike about it, to his dismay.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 9th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Jun 20th, 2018
So Here In My Garage
...just bought this new, unoriginal username here.
So Here In My Garage
Joined 9th Jul, 2015 ·
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This was as dumb as I expected it to be. Liked
Reminds me of Bart Simpson and Major League Baseball.
I have a friend who can go on a twenty minute roundabout rant to prove alarm clocks are in the illuminate.
Seriously. He did that once. Shame he's moving, I'd love to record one of those rants to expose him as an illuminate member. Somehow.
Dun dun dun!
And this shows how insane these Illuminati theories are.
Wait
Insane has 6 letters.
Twilight is insane.
Twilight Sparkle has 15 letters in her name.
15 - 6 = 9.
There are six sides to a hexagon.
9 - 6 = 3.
A triangle has 3 sides.
3 - 3 = 0.
That's how many shits I give.
Uhh.................................................................... I legitimately have no idea what to say about this story.
I'm in the Illuminati, but it isn't all that great. All we do is figure out how to make Steve Guttenberg a star.
dis story is Dank,i rate it 9/11
"Dank Lerminarty can't melt Dank Fic"
-Inside Pussi
gr8 b8 m8, i r8 8/8
Brain cells burned adequately. GG.
6188674 Really? How did you get in?
6189341
My father was a member.
6189421 So...your being serious about this...huh
This is awkward.
6189437
I said my father was a member, I didn't say he was in the Illuminati.
6189443 There's a difference?
6189452
Work your way through the other meanings of that word.
6189454 Yeah so he's retired...I'm just a little caught of guard...I thought you were kidding.
Who knew that some stories have exactly a total if 1,000 words?
I should have read this while intoxicated. Still funny as-is though!
Well, now we know whoever approved this at FiMFiction is the one who's letting all the trollfics through.
Oh my God.
Best Eragon reference ever. 30/10 triangles.
But wait, 30/10 is an improper fraction. 30/10 is 3. Three sides to a triangle. This comment rating is illuminati confirmed.
(But seriously the Eragon reference was awesome)
Dafuq did I just read?
Still lolololol
Well, that was... subpar.
Take an idea that could actually work... waste it on cheap yuks. Good going, stay that course. Hackdom awaits.
Have a well-deserved dislike.
With all the issues in this story (poorly disguised meta joke aside), this is by far your biggest issue. There is almost zero "show" in this story, and basically 100% "tell". You don't show us what the characters are thinking or feeling or anything like that in order to make them feel alive. Instead, we are simply told absolutely everything because obviously this story thinks that anyone who reads it is utterly incapable of understanding what context is. The above is a great example. You don't need to tell us it makes her look insane. We already know that.
Beyond that, I don't even get the point of this. I actually love the ridiculous Illuminati jokes I'll see videos of on Youtube. The absurd nature of them always makes me laugh. This? This has nothing to do with MLP. I mean, I honestly have no clue why you even made this a story, because that entire joke doesn't actually work as a story.
Next in the story of Princess Sparkle's discovering of Princess Celestia's darkest secret, how the Princess of Friendship makes a daring escape from the hands of The Illuminati using the power of math and Dewritos.
That was quite funny.
Loved it!
Brilliant
i did a dramatic read of your fan fic
"I suggest wearing sunglasses because shit is about to get real sunny." As soon as I read this, I immediately had to stop reading to upvote this masterpiece.
Man, this was the funniest fanfic I've read in a long time. Thank you, thank you very much
I am planning on doing a dramatic reading for this. That is, if I don't keep failing and youtube lets me upload...
Dearest Sir/Madam/Alicorn Princess of the Silver Brick, while I loved the premise, and was quite prepared to worship this fic in all its asinine glory, there was a glaring issue I noticed the moment I started reading it - namely, you forgot one of the most important rules of writing; show, not tell.
This paragraph is an excellent example.
You see, sir/madam/asexual lizard in a robot suit, the first sentence says that it was 'the fifth morning in a row that Spike woke up to Twilight babbling nonsense.' While this is a perfectly innocent sentence in it's own right, it is a boring, bare-boned introductory sentence. It would have made of a much better opening if you had described Spike waking up, Twily's babbling wafting up the stairs in irregular bursts, the grouchy demeanour of the dragon as rose to greet an immensely stupid morning. These details will help draw us into the world, invest the reader in the story being told. In fact, the importance of details and engaging writing goes two-fold for this sentence, as it is the first sentence of the fic. This is what people will judge you for, and the pickier readers will pass your story by with nary a backwards glance if it is not up to scratch.
This sentence was useless. It was awkwardly phrased, mildly out of place and added nothing of value to the story.
Awkwardly phrased once again, but kudos for the snippet of showing in the first sentence. While it would have been nice to see something like 'Spike stomped over to the stairs, taking a small mirror from the shelf as he went,' this sentence is still a step in the right direction. The second sentence, however, was tedious, boring and very tell-ish. Not that there's anything wrong with telling, it's just that this is awkward, boring, bare-as-bones telling, which is infinitely worse.
I could also point out how much better your story, especially the funny bits, could have some grammar-related changes in order to really make the story shine, but I am far too lazy. But do bear in mind that the presence - or lack thereof- of a specific punctuation mark on a specific spot can make or break the sentence it was placed in.
Now, your story is quite good in other aspects - excellent premise, good characterisation, decent dialogue, et cetera, but the telling, and the okay-but-could-be-so-much-better grammar really turned me off. Just proofread your work a little more - preferably out loud - and get a decent editor, proofreader, pre-reader or somepony else to help you polish the story and your work could be incredible.
Good luck with your stories!
Wake up sheeple....learn the truth
https://m.What did I just read? That had to be the absolute most convoluted "reasoning" I have ever read. My brain hurts. I think it's going to quit it's job.
This story was great! It was just what I needed to get myself out of the bad mood I was in. Thank you.