-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCK!
Here I am, pretty much going to be executed because Celestia and Luna are right here in front of me. Luna’s rage could melt the entire planet away if she wanted, in fact I am surprised I am even still living or at least not melting, Raiders of the Lost Ark style or even just the wicked witch of the west.
“Please don’t kill me! I have 5 cupcakes at home I need to eat, at least let me eat them!” I pleaded at Celestia’s hooves in basically an instant.
“Jason I-“ Celestia starts but I continue.
“I didn’t even say good-bye to Dash!” I say all dramatically at Celestia’s horseshoes.
“JASON! We are not going to kill you, we, as in you, Luna and myself are going to talk.” Celestia says a bit louder to get my attention.
So…I get to live? I GET TO LIIIIVVEEEE!
“So, no knifes, no beheading, no nothing?” I ask, still unsure, especially the way Luna is looking.
“That is correct, now all I want is both sides of the story for now and you will tell the truth and nothing but the truth, are we clear?” Celestia states her intentions calmly.
“Yes” I answer.
Oh lord help me, this day has already been ruined! No Jason, just act natural and you’ll get out fine enough to get that demon bunny for this. Wait, why am I praying the lord again? He hasn't helped me out the previous two times.
“First off, did you for sure “Sleep” with me?” Celestia asked me calmly.
“I…yes…sorry” I bowed my head in shame. There was no lying to a Princess.
“So thou should be” Luna growls.
“Second question, did you remember any action that you wanted to do this on purpose?” Celestia asks the next question
“No, all I remember was a party and then…oh yeah! There was that drinking contest that I challenged you to and then next thing I know is that I am in bed with you with all my clothes off” I answered honestly but a little bluntly.
“Last question, do you know of an ancient law about bedding Princesses from way back in my early teenage years that you have activated?” Celestia asked seriously, like dead serious in a "What have you done?" sort of serious.
“No.” I reply
Celestia looked satisfied with my answers but then serious, this isn’t going the right way is it? It's going to go downhill isn't it? Any day the demon bunny shows up to screw me over generally does.
“What is it Princess? There’s more isn’t there?” I ask her seriously.
“Well, this law was way back when my parents were the rulers of Equestria just after the three tribes had settled here. I was a mere teen and my parents cared who I ended up with and the only way to make sure that male that ended up with Lulu and I was sincere was to make this law” Celestia explains
“Tis true, the law was passed on by one, Starswirl the Bearded” Luna adds in.
“Oh, not him again!” I angrily cursed the bearded pony.
Let’s just say a few of his works have screwed me over a few times to the point of if I ever go back to the past that motherfucker is gonna get killed by me and damn the wibbly-wobbly time stuff. First that dimension spell sends me to Equestria, then it causes all that chaos in Ponyville with that unfinished spell, which destroyed half my house by the way. And now this law appears out of nowhere, that Starswirl statue is so getting destroyed and damn the consequences.
“Yes him, the law says whoever manages to “court” us and that includes bedding must be bound to marry the Princess” Celestia recites the law Starswirl made.
“WHAT? So you’re saying one drunk night gets us freaking married!? That sadistic bearded bastard!” I am in utter disbelief (try saying the last four words five times fast).
“We’re afraid it’s true Jason, thanks thy actions upon our sister, you two are as of now, engaged. Thou hath in laypony's terms, just proposed to Tia, congratulations” Luna confirms my fate.
“Okay first, I’m so going to destroy one of his statues, second of all you’re the Princess for crying out loud! Just reverse the stupid law and get it done with!” I reply to this law’s existence.
“We can’t, the one pony whom he passed the law to died before he could pass on to a successor so the law carries on forever until the pair of us pass away” Luna shoots down my suggestion. I was still having none of it.
“Are you serious? Do you hear yourself? YOU ARE THE FUCKING PRINCESSES! No higher power resides in this country! Nopony fucks with you two, especially not you Luna, because quite frankly, you scare the shit out of me but right now you are knocking the I.Q out of me. That law thing is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, if you don’t like a partner you break up like normal ponies, if you love them enough truly then you marry the fuck out of them!” I went on about how stupid this law is.
“We are sorry but we can’t, Jason. It’s the law and the law even by us cannot be changed, if we were to break it our royal title and your reputation would be stripped.” Celestia is actually accepting the crap.
“Well I’m sorry I respect you Celestia as much as the next pony, but this is not something I can respect, it's outright stupid! The two most powerful beings in the kingdom bow down to a law made by a fucking pony with a dangerous unfinished spell fetish. I’m sorry but I refuse to believe this for one second, sure I can get that Luna is pissed that I, on accident did the dirty with you Celestia, but this is stupid” I argue even more.
“It’s that or the punishment is public execution and while public execution has been outlawed, this law allows it as one of the loopholes” Luna says oh so casually.
I even looked at the lawbook shown to me, Life-ruiner the Bearded made this punishable by death if you don’t marry the Princess you bedded…well this is tits.
“There’s no other way?” I ask with one last faint hope disappearing.
“None, as much as I regret it, you and I will be together for a long time” Celestia says
I-I UURRRGGGGH! Stupid law! No, who am I kidding, if I had not challenged Celestia to some drinking game, I wouldn’t have gotten in this mess in the first place. Most of this is my fault anyway, can't even control my drunk self to not screw a drunk Princess, unless it was her that initiated it, I don't remember.
“Fine…I guess there really is no choice” I concede defeat.
“Thou are lucky there aren’t laws making bedding a Princess being a death penalty” Luna says, still a scowl on her face, she could still melt me.
A slight pause in conversation happens just as I realize how screwed I am, I am only twenty years old and I am forced to marry a Princess I barely even know and that barely is only because I am an alien.
“So what now? Do we just marry now or what? "You may now kiss the bride" or something.” I ask Celestia.
“No, there needs to be time to sink this in and tell the general public about our…being together” Celesita hesitates on the last part.
“Yes, because Luna yelling we banged while trying to find me in Ponyville won’t cause some ruckus” I sarcastically say to Luna.
“Luna, is this true?” Celestia rounded on Luna, looking surprised.
“Y-Yes, Tis true, we were merely defending thy honor, he had taken advantage of thee!” Luna admitted while blaming me.
“My honor is perfectly fine, Lulu. And should I recall correctly, the pair of us were drunk at Miss Pie’s party so therefore the blame should partly be mine.” Celestia replies to Luna in a fair way, at least she's taking some of the blame.
That brings up something I've been meaning to ask Celestia.
“About that, I thought Alicorns don't get drunk, how exactly did you get drunk?” I ask a fair question to Celestia.
Long as I remember, I know for a fact that Alicorns couldn’t get drunk, Celestia even said it when I first met her. She basically lied to me.
“Well, I may have lied to you about that but it was a natural precaution at the time. Alicorns can get drunk like normal ponies, but we actually cast a spell to protect ourselves from being drunk and even poison. The reason you along with everypony else has been told is to protect against those that may think to get us drunk in order to advance their own agenda or even try to poison us, even with a spell poison is highly unplesant.” Celestia explains why she lied about the not-getting-drunk thing.
“Thou will not understand just how many attempts there have been over the centuries, while we may have missed several centuries, we know and understand this fact” Luna adds
"And let me guess, you forgot one time to put the spell on?" I ask Celestia with the most are-you-fucking-kidding-me look ever.
"Unfortunately yes" Celestia answers with her head in shame
You heard it here first, even Princesses can forget shit, where's your perfect Princess image now, ponies?
“So…what now?” I have no idea what to do right now.
“Well, there is naught for us to do right at this moment, for now you may go back to Ponyville, would you be so kind, Lulu?” Celestia gives me a free ticket back home for the day.
Luna grabs me in an instant and then we teleport back…
We landed roughly in front of my house, maybe I need a drink of two to start my chaotic first few hours of the day. I started to walk until Luna held me back by the shoulder. Luna was looking dead fucking threatening as hell.
“We art warning thee now, thou may be engaged to our sister but does NOT mean thou art to mess around with her or act like the pair of thee are in love when not in public. If thou messes with Tia or even hurts her feelings so much as a pinch, we will be sure that your body remains will be found spread out all over Equestria for everypony to see, art we clear?” Luna threatens me with the “If you hurt her, I’ll kill you” speech.
"Crystal as the Crystal Empire" I reply, giving my word I won't do anything funny.
"Good, we shall be watching thee, fare thee well!" Luna says as she disappears.
I am now left in front of my house all by myself and today has been a very fucking terrifying day.
“That mare creeps me out” I comment on her recent behavior.
Well I guess I can spend the day banging me head against a wall or drink my problems away a bit. How do I get myself into these messes?
No, I am in fact pretty sure that this is outright stupid.
Thor infamously once conned a giant out of his ocean-sized cauldron so he could brew mead in it. Gods get drunk all the fucking time. Even Jesus supposedly once made his own wine to get sloshed on. I don't really know where the stupid idea that they shouldn't comes from, because mythology sure isn't it.
Yeah, I think we all could have lived long and happier lives without ever knowing that.
Note to myself, never challenge a princess to a drinking competition..... funny story so far, keep up the good work
6504982 Thanks for noticing the error, I reworded that sentence a bit better and sorry about the last bit...don't know what went into me (I may have had a few at the time of writing the AN). Also, when does Thor do that? I can picture but I can't remember when and where it happens it's been a while. As for the Gods don't get drunk thing, I disagree with that notion but I have seen a few fics have placed this one here or at least the Princesses saying they are more resistant to being drunk, bonus points if the Princess gets drunk and ends up bedding the male in the scene right after she says it. That said, I'm all for Gods and Goddesses getting drunk.
6505016
Don't worry, it happens. Also, I am not quite sure in which particular myth this happens, but I think it was part of the Prose Edda. Most stuff is, really. Thor was really rather fond of cheating the giants out of all kinds of shit. Like that time he pretended to be Idun (I think) and almost married the king of the frost giants so Asgard wouldn't have to pay their debt for a service rendered by them.
Yeah, the Aesir were kind of dicks. No wonder the giants are eventually going to kill them all.
Ok, you have my attention now, let's see what happens. for now take my like and trak
now it's 87 likes to 14 dislikes, you going high.
someone should get jasons hopes up by asking if a unicorn or luna scanned his memories to verify if he actually did it with celestia, then just as hope comes back to the surface BAM! the alcohol was too potent and after a furious makeout session all memory is lost!
I think that I like this story and it well be funny as hell. Keep up the good work you are doing. I do hope to see a new chapter soon.
Dragonfox
6505140
Jason: Pinkie Pie, Just what the fucking hell did you give us to drink?
:You know, I am not really sure. I think it was something called a Pants Gigantic Guzzle Bunker or somethi-
Jason: Wait a second... Do you mean Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?
: YES! That's what it was called.
Jason: ...How the hell are me and Celestia still alive?
Good, fun, but feels rushed.
your main character is kind of a wimp.
6506121 That's sort of how I want him to be, the thing is, a lot of human characters have that sense of bravery that I don't think a drop of fear ever really hit them, they act way too normal for their experiences to even support the fact. I mean it's something the HIE community accepted a long time ago and I'm not against it, far from it. I just think that maybe some fics need a little less bravery, when was the last time you saw a human outright run from a villain? Or at least have some sign of fear. So I like to think a bit of fear is alright, I won't make him too wimpy or anything.
Is this story saving the obvious divorce question for a proper time?
I saw this story, liked the premise and gave it a try. I'm afraid I couldn't make it much past the first chapter.
The good parts of this story are the premise, the fact that you have a cowardly protagonist, and the choice of first person is a good call for you.
The biggest downside that I see is the character voices. All the characters talk like Jason. They all use the same slang, the same sentence structure, and the same tones.
You also have talking head syndrome. There's almost no prose in this story, everything is either thoughts or dialog. This leads to talking head syndrome.
6506174
Pretty often. The problem is that bad stories tend to come in either extreme, but rarely with something more nuanced and in the middle. If you can pull it off well, I'm certainly not complaining. I prefer it somewhat heavier on the bravery, admittedly, but that's because I think a protagonist (human or otherwise) who doesn't have enough spine to go out and actively do things unless pressured into it just isn't fun to read about.
Hehe, I highly enjoy Luna going all protective over Celestia. Normaly its the elder sibling to do so but this reversal plus the fan-canon for Lunas character in general makes this very fitting.^^b
So...how does he know for sure that they banged? Cause at this point it seems he's just assuming
6516763 some people have quite good memory even when drunk off their asses and can still remember the previous nights events. im like that, got so shit faced one night in my early years of drinking and i have had the shit beaten outta me by accident and i still remembered every detail....drinking and then fake fighting don't mix well trust me on that!
Why not just get the wedding over with then just get a divorce? Or is there some clause that says they can't?
6946195 Starswirl made it literally until death do you part in the law.
If posible why not run for the hills when nobodys looking and move to a different countrie?.
well thats something i would do
bhe , there 's only one thing to say now ... WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW????
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What. Seriously? That's one of the fucking stupidest things I've heard of all day. Because some piece of shit from 1000 years ago died before getting a successor, this law is still in effect until we fucking die. Who the fuck would even attempt to enforce some ancient law against the entities that control the bloody moon and sun, especially when said law isn't about murder, rape, theft, or an actual serious restriction? I don't think anyone would really think it's an offense bad enough to try to overthrow these ridiculously powerful entities who also rule everything in the country and are extremely kind and benevolent. Even if there is, it's unlikely that there's a large enough portion of those to actually enforce it. If a law is so completely and utterly stupid that it has pretty much no place in society, people ignore it. That's why, when Prohibition occurred, people mostly ignored it and just got alcohol in other ways. Along with that, I doubt that a large portion of ponies would know about such an ancient and archaic law. Luna wasn't shouting about how, by law, Jason must marry Celestia. Luna was just shouting about how she's going to rip his leg off and break his spine with it.
This chapter just triggered me. Jason, you pussy.
I'm sure it'll be answered in future chapter, or maybe I just missed it, but couldn't Anon just divorce Celestia right after they get married? Sure that would cause a little trouble depending on the Laws (which even in real life Divorce laws are pretty stupid.) All they have to do is sign a marriage certificate and then immediately sign a divorce paper after that.