-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCK!
Here I am, pretty much going to be executed because Celestia and Luna are right here in front of me. Luna’s rage could melt the entire planet away if she wanted, in fact I am surprised I am even still living or at least not melting, Raiders of the Lost Ark style or even just the wicked witch of the west.
“Please don’t kill me! I have 5 cupcakes at home I need to eat, at least let me eat them!” I pleaded at Celestia’s hooves in basically an instant.
“Jason I-“ Celestia starts but I continue.
“I didn’t even say good-bye to Dash!” I say all dramatically at Celestia’s horseshoes.
“JASON! We are not going to kill you, we, as in you, Luna and myself are going to talk.” Celestia says a bit louder to get my attention.
So…I get to live? I GET TO LIIIIVVEEEE!
“So, no knifes, no beheading, no nothing?” I ask, still unsure, especially the way Luna is looking.
“That is correct, now all I want is both sides of the story for now and you will tell the truth and nothing but the truth, are we clear?” Celestia states her intentions calmly.
“Yes” I answer.
Oh lord help me, this day has already been ruined! No Jason, just act natural and you’ll get out fine enough to get that demon bunny for this. Wait, why am I praying the lord again? He hasn't helped me out the previous two times.
“First off, did you for sure “Sleep” with me?” Celestia asked me calmly.
“I…yes…sorry” I bowed my head in shame. There was no lying to a Princess.
“So thou should be” Luna growls.
“Second question, did you remember any action that you wanted to do this on purpose?” Celestia asks the next question
“No, all I remember was a party and then…oh yeah! There was that drinking contest that I challenged you to and then next thing I know is that I am in bed with you with all my clothes off” I answered honestly but a little bluntly.
“Last question, do you know of an ancient law about bedding Princesses from way back in my early teenage years that you have activated?” Celestia asked seriously, like dead serious in a "What have you done?" sort of serious.
“No.” I reply
Celestia looked satisfied with my answers but then serious, this isn’t going the right way is it? It's going to go downhill isn't it? Any day the demon bunny shows up to screw me over generally does.
“What is it Princess? There’s more isn’t there?” I ask her seriously.
“Well, this law was way back when my parents were the rulers of Equestria just after the three tribes had settled here. I was a mere teen and my parents cared who I ended up with and the only way to make sure that male that ended up with Lulu and I was sincere was to make this law” Celestia explains
“Tis true, the law was passed on by one, Starswirl the Bearded” Luna adds in.
“Oh, not him again!” I angrily cursed the bearded pony.
Let’s just say a few of his works have screwed me over a few times to the point of if I ever go back to the past that motherfucker is gonna get killed by me and damn the wibbly-wobbly time stuff. First that dimension spell sends me to Equestria, then it causes all that chaos in Ponyville with that unfinished spell, which destroyed half my house by the way. And now this law appears out of nowhere, that Starswirl statue is so getting destroyed and damn the consequences.
“Yes him, the law says whoever manages to “court” us and that includes bedding must be bound to marry the Princess” Celestia recites the law Starswirl made.
“WHAT? So you’re saying one drunk night gets us freaking married!? That sadistic bearded bastard!” I am in utter disbelief (try saying the last four words five times fast).
“We’re afraid it’s true Jason, thanks thy actions upon our sister, you two are as of now, engaged. Thou hath in laypony's terms, just proposed to Tia, congratulations” Luna confirms my fate.
“Okay first, I’m so going to destroy one of his statues, second of all you’re the Princess for crying out loud! Just reverse the stupid law and get it done with!” I reply to this law’s existence.
“We can’t, the one pony whom he passed the law to died before he could pass on to a successor so the law carries on forever until the pair of us pass away” Luna shoots down my suggestion. I was still having none of it.
“Are you serious? Do you hear yourself? YOU ARE THE FUCKING PRINCESSES! No higher power resides in this country! Nopony fucks with you two, especially not you Luna, because quite frankly, you scare the shit out of me but right now you are knocking the I.Q out of me. That law thing is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, if you don’t like a partner you break up like normal ponies, if you love them enough truly then you marry the fuck out of them!” I went on about how stupid this law is.
“We are sorry but we can’t, Jason. It’s the law and the law even by us cannot be changed, if we were to break it our royal title and your reputation would be stripped.” Celestia is actually accepting the crap.
“Well I’m sorry I respect you Celestia as much as the next pony, but this is not something I can respect, it's outright stupid! The two most powerful beings in the kingdom bow down to a law made by a fucking pony with a dangerous unfinished spell fetish. I’m sorry but I refuse to believe this for one second, sure I can get that Luna is pissed that I, on accident did the dirty with you Celestia, but this is stupid” I argue even more.
“It’s that or the punishment is public execution and while public execution has been outlawed, this law allows it as one of the loopholes” Luna says oh so casually.
I even looked at the lawbook shown to me, Life-ruiner the Bearded made this punishable by death if you don’t marry the Princess you bedded…well this is tits.
“There’s no other way?” I ask with one last faint hope disappearing.
“None, as much as I regret it, you and I will be together for a long time” Celestia says
I-I UURRRGGGGH! Stupid law! No, who am I kidding, if I had not challenged Celestia to some drinking game, I wouldn’t have gotten in this mess in the first place. Most of this is my fault anyway, can't even control my drunk self to not screw a drunk Princess, unless it was her that initiated it, I don't remember.
“Fine…I guess there really is no choice” I concede defeat.
“Thou are lucky there aren’t laws making bedding a Princess being a death penalty” Luna says, still a scowl on her face, she could still melt me.
A slight pause in conversation happens just as I realize how screwed I am, I am only twenty years old and I am forced to marry a Princess I barely even know and that barely is only because I am an alien.
“So what now? Do we just marry now or what? "You may now kiss the bride" or something.” I ask Celestia.
“No, there needs to be time to sink this in and tell the general public about our…being together” Celesita hesitates on the last part.
“Yes, because Luna yelling we banged while trying to find me in Ponyville won’t cause some ruckus” I sarcastically say to Luna.
“Luna, is this true?” Celestia rounded on Luna, looking surprised.
“Y-Yes, Tis true, we were merely defending thy honor, he had taken advantage of thee!” Luna admitted while blaming me.
“My honor is perfectly fine, Lulu. And should I recall correctly, the pair of us were drunk at Miss Pie’s party so therefore the blame should partly be mine.” Celestia replies to Luna in a fair way, at least she's taking some of the blame.
That brings up something I've been meaning to ask Celestia.
“About that, I thought Alicorns don't get drunk, how exactly did you get drunk?” I ask a fair question to Celestia.
Long as I remember, I know for a fact that Alicorns couldn’t get drunk, Celestia even said it when I first met her. She basically lied to me.
“Well, I may have lied to you about that but it was a natural precaution at the time. Alicorns can get drunk like normal ponies, but we actually cast a spell to protect ourselves from being drunk and even poison. The reason you along with everypony else has been told is to protect against those that may think to get us drunk in order to advance their own agenda or even try to poison us, even with a spell poison is highly unplesant.” Celestia explains why she lied about the not-getting-drunk thing.
“Thou will not understand just how many attempts there have been over the centuries, while we may have missed several centuries, we know and understand this fact” Luna adds
"And let me guess, you forgot one time to put the spell on?" I ask Celestia with the most are-you-fucking-kidding-me look ever.
"Unfortunately yes" Celestia answers with her head in shame
You heard it here first, even Princesses can forget shit, where's your perfect Princess image now, ponies?
“So…what now?” I have no idea what to do right now.
“Well, there is naught for us to do right at this moment, for now you may go back to Ponyville, would you be so kind, Lulu?” Celestia gives me a free ticket back home for the day.
Luna grabs me in an instant and then we teleport back…
We landed roughly in front of my house, maybe I need a drink of two to start my chaotic first few hours of the day. I started to walk until Luna held me back by the shoulder. Luna was looking dead fucking threatening as hell.
“We art warning thee now, thou may be engaged to our sister but does NOT mean thou art to mess around with her or act like the pair of thee are in love when not in public. If thou messes with Tia or even hurts her feelings so much as a pinch, we will be sure that your body remains will be found spread out all over Equestria for everypony to see, art we clear?” Luna threatens me with the “If you hurt her, I’ll kill you” speech.
"Crystal as the Crystal Empire" I reply, giving my word I won't do anything funny.
"Good, we shall be watching thee, fare thee well!" Luna says as she disappears.
I am now left in front of my house all by myself and today has been a very fucking terrifying day.
“That mare creeps me out” I comment on her recent behavior.
Well I guess I can spend the day banging me head against a wall or drink my problems away a bit. How do I get myself into these messes?