"How's your day?" "Oh good, I get to marry the Princess"
My house was not much, a bedroom, a kitchen and a sitting room, it was all I really needed. No over-the-top pools, verandas or any furniture that makes my house look was too expensive and tacky.
The first thing I did was get a drink, surprisingly I don’t have a hangover, perhaps a no-hangover spell was cast while we were drunk? I will kiss whomever made that spell, unless it was Starswirl or it was a dude.
“Well, to me getting married…yay.” I said to myself unenthusiastically.
“You’re getting married!?” Dash says behind me, making me jump.
Damn it! I completely forgot to lock the door. Can I be anymore idiotic today? Uh, don't answer that one, Murphy.
“Uh, maybe?” I say as Rainbow Dash looks shocked and awed.
“Who? Who is our big lug of ape marrying? And why didn't you tell me?” Dash asks as she’s next to me in mere milliseconds.
“Celestia, long story” I answer simply preparing to get a shout in my ears.
“PRINCESS CELESTIA!? YOU’RE MARRYING HER?” Dash shouted in absolute shock, half of Equestria may have just heard that.
“Keep your voice down! I’m pretty sure most of Ponyville just heard you and I don’t want it out just yet” I urge her to shush.
Dear lord Dashie, I’d rather this day not get worse anytime soon, my life is already over enough already, any more and I may go Twilight freakout on the town.
“So what gives? Since when were the two of you an item?” Dash asks with the demanding voice for details, Rarity will be so much worse.
“Since about a couple of hours ago, remember when I said I slept with her, turns out some ancient law from Celestia’s childhood says if you bed her, you gotta marry her so you are sincere or it’s death. Past has some issues personally” I summed up my reason why I am going to have a ring on my finger for the rest of my life.
“So, some old law got you into this mess, can’t the Princesses just reverse it?” Dash asks with a "Oh that's bullshit" look.
“That’s what I said, turns out the successor to Starswirl who made the law had died before he could pass on the rights to discontinue the law so it passed on until the Princesses die. Actual bullshit if you ask me” I explain why it couldn’t be reversed.
“That’s total bogus dude! Must feel awful but awesome at the same time cause you get to marry a Princess!” Dash pats me on the back
I guess it can be awesome as I can at least brag to some people and go in your face to that smug bitch back on Earth who said I won't amount to anything.
“Yaaaaaay” I say very unenthusiastically
“Come on, don’t you like her at least a little bit?” Dash asks reasonably…reasonable is strange for Dash, please stop it.
“Well no, don’t get me wrong, her body gave me a boner when I first saw her but I don’t love her, we’ve barely had a few conversations before this and that was a year or two back.” I explain my non-existent love right now.
“Only just a boner, dude! I’d go lesbian for her” Dash is literally in awe that I don’t have some sort of dream sex with Celestia.
“I thought you were already lesbian” I could not resist that joke.
“Ha ha ha ha ha!” Dash sarcastically laughs.
Do I have feelings for Celestia? No! Especially not after one night after drunk sex I don’t even remember…well it must have been alright cause I just feel it did. Did I have some secret want for this? No, but other stallions do, Celestia has that body to die for.
Celestia’s like that girl that isn’t too photoshopped but she has that body that many mares want and stallions to jerk off to and maybe dream sex her too…don’t lie stallions, I know you do it. She just has that perfect ass and a slight curve line that doesn’t look to try-hard or too laid-back, she has eyes that looks better than shiny gems. And her smile, I’ve seen her fake ones and her true ones like around Twilight for example, that true smile tells you everything is gonna be alright even if the world was burning around you. Oh and the mane and tail too, I’ll just leave those thoughts her for now shall I?
Bottom line, you're gay if you did not ever feel that Celestia was damned hot, no pun intended.
Yeah, I’m describing the Princess I have no feelings for and yet am marrying in that detail, what is wrong with me? Why aren't I jumping at Celestia like any other Stallion would, definitely nobles would do so, I hear they been trying that for years.
“So, I got a couple of cupcakes, you want some?” I offer her one to change the subject.
“Oh alright, but only one, I gotta keep the Dash physique if I am gonna keep Soarin around” Dash says as I go the fridge.
“Are you two ever gonna fuck? You guys have been together for like a year and half, one may start to think you might going down the lesbo path” I ask her about her lack of sex.
“Oh so it’s on me now is it?” Dash replies with a laugh
“Yeah, a physique like yours and I bet Soarin would throw his wonders into your bolt and yet somehow it hasn’t happened yet, go any longer and I might change the "You need to get laid" line from Twilight to you.” I reply trying to make a sex pun.
“Dude, that’s the worst sex pun ever” Dash laughs at my admittedly poor sex pun skills.
“Yeah it was bad I admit but honestly, Pinkie even got with Spitfire to bet on how long it would take” I told Dash about the betting pool that was going on.
Yep these two have been on at least 6 major dates and not one is ending in a rutting, so their close friends, Wonderbolts included started betting, my money is on 3 months later from today, just one month after heat season. That will be a horror.
“Oh? And how will your royal mare do when the heat goes around?” Dash says, throwing the sex question to me.
Oh crap, Celestia is probably going to go after me at heat season. I can distinctly remember last time, I end holding a door closed for the entire last night.
“Highly unpleasant cause if we do fuck even against my will, Luna will basically kill me.” I shudder at the thought
“Ah come on, she won’t kill you” Dash tries to reassure me.
“Trust me she will, and heat season is already bad enough without you mare simulating the zombie apocalypse but instead of moaning brains you moan “Diiiicccccks”” I recount my last experience of the heat kind.
“Ah it’s not that bad” Dash is clearly playing ignorant.
“Yeah well you’re not yourself when you do that, I was this close from having accidental bragging rights to banging you first” I mention as I gave her the cupcake.
“Come on, you would have loved it” Dash says as she eats said cupcake
Aha, NO! Okay maybe back then when Dash and I were crushing on each other at the time, but now would be just cheating and Jason Anderson is not a cheating bastard.
"At the time maybe, but you and I both know that it would never have worked out in the long run" I say honestly
"Maybe" Dash agrees slightly, she knows in her heart it wouldn't have.
"But yeah, I guess I'll spend my day here" I say, deciding I'd stay here.
“Don’t you have work?” Dash asks.
Pfft, Dash, telling me about work when she never- OH SHIT I DO HAVE WORK! It’s Monday! Mr and Mrs. Cake is expecting me!
“Oh shit! Gotta fly!” I say urgently as I run right out the door.
“I’ll lock your door, Jason” Dash called as I ran outside.
Don’t worry, I trust Dash with my life and I know she’ll do it as a loyal friend. That's true friendship damn it! For now, I am 30 minutes late and I do NOT want to push it!
Bye!
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the question now is "how many ponies heard dash?"
Shining only married Cadence for bragging rights?
Welp, so much for blaming the booze, then. Bona fide natural-born horsefucker right there.
I am so, so fucking sick of that particular cliché, by the way. Horses don't even go into heat, never even mind that having a mating season means an animal is simply completely unwilling or unable to mate outside of it. It's just so amazingly blatantly an excuse to have female characters who literally can't say no to the authorial self-insert, it's only even sad anymore.
Twilight sparkle is going be mad as hell or wanted to learn human mating
6519132
You learn something new every day
Or who won't take a no from the self-insert. Seen it go both ways...
6519132
They're extra-dimensional technicolor magical sentient beings who live in a land of mythical creatures, so your logic kinda goes right out the window on this one.
Also, they're not horses my good sir, they are ponies!
6519639
*Twilight opens letter*
"My most faithful student,
I fear I must call you to the Castle with a most urgent request!
You are the only pony who can do this for me Twilight, I require a skilled note taker before sunset tonight!
- Your mentor,
Princess Celestia."
*Twilight arrives at the castle and meets with a guard who directs her immediately to Celestia's chambers*
"Princess! I came as soon as I cou- WHAT THE BUCK!?"
"Oh, hello Twilight! Quickly, I require you to take detailed notes on human mating. As you can see, I will be rather preoccupied at the time."
Alright i gonna admit that zombie pary was hilarious
6543959
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw7536_small.jpg
And to the person you replied to;
files.sharenator.com/legit_Birthday-s358x235-207468-580.jpg
However
new1.fjcdn.com/pictures/Don_71d89e_1343720.jpg
"and heat season is already bad enough without you mare simulating the zombie apocalypse but instead of moaning brains you moan “Diiiicccccks””
Not gonna lie, that part was the funniest shit I've ever read. I laughed my ass off so hard I started crying.
7375156
What's that middle picture?
7650300 Heat season in a nutshell, people.