The Cutie Mark Crusaders decide it's high time they finally learn some magic.
But Earth Ponies don't fly, Pegasus Ponies can't use magic, and Unicorns usually don't grow crops. And learning real magic requires real skill. The time has come to learn from their guardians, and not from each other.
They need to learn about more than just magic, though. Their relationship had always been based on crusading, but they'll soon learn that relationships can change. The Cutie Mark Crusaders set out on a journey, one which teaches them that you can't crusade forever.
Editor: Bahatumay
Art By: Reynaruina
Chapters (14)
Oh! This looks promising! Can't wait to see your theories on pegasus and earth magic.
I wish to club Diamond Tiara like a baby seal right now.
◕u◕ I wanna be a cupcake knight~!
6502859 Me too! I mean! Er... of course.
No, I'm interested to see your reactions.
6502932 Don't worry... she'll get hers.
I like it!
6503616 Well there's more to come.
I appreciate this. Poor Scoots! And now I will throw a big OBJECTION to Diamond Tiara. Hopefully she will get what's coming to her. Otherwise really good! Have a stache:
6503890 But I have so many!
I wonder which presentation was worse. Diamond Tiara's, for utterly humiliating Scootaloo…or Applebloom's, for talking about apples AGAIN.
Is Scootaloo a Changeling?
6504969 And the guessing game begins!
6530289 I miss the golfer.
Hey so far, this is an okay story. Not bad, not good just okay and worth reading.
6591971 Interesting, is there not enough conflict?
6592293 I don't think that's it, you have the set up of a good story. It's either I'm not too big a fan of your presentation style and/or you need to do some tweaking to make it work better. Not saying that it's bad, just that it could be better. I honestly don't know how to describe it, but let me try.
Lets see here, you kind of flew by that whole cupcake knights thing, it seemed like you could have expanded on that a little more. When you have the thoughts of the characters it sometimes seems out of place for whatever reason... I can't explain why they do. The whole going back in time to get Sweetie perspective was okay, but I'll be honest that I skimmed most of it, once I got an idea of what it was about. I made a mistake, not saying yours is, with my own fiction using that kind of thing though but on a pretty grand scale, had to completely redo the chapter. You seem to switch between characters a little too freely.
None of those things are bad, nor are they good. They are what the writer makes of them and/or the reader perceives of them and to me you're doing an okay job so far. It also might help to know when this takes place, obviously before the end of season 4 as you're using the library. I forgot whether you mentioned if Twilight was an Alicorn or not. Anyways, hope I was able to somewhat answer your question.
6592418 You sort of did, but not really. The cupcake knights thing was meant to be a joke, first and foremost. Granted it has nothing to do with the overall plot, so maybe it was a poorly designed joke?
Now, by switching between characters freely do you mean it seems like, in a scene, it switches from one character's perspective to another without much warning? Is that off putting? I've sometimes done this in the past, though, I try to keep it focused on one character until I switch scenes by using an HR tag.
This is before season 4 and before Twilight becomes an alicorn.
As for thoughts, do you have any examples of poorly placed ones? For that matter, what about the freely moving around thing?
Do you mean if I'm going to switch to a scene and have it backtrack to a character to get their perspective, it should be more deliberate and more expanded?
By the way, I don't know if you're making any sense, but this is the most constructive criticism (if it is any) I've gotten in months, so thanks.
6593096
In chapter three you go from Sweeties to Spikes to Sweeties to Raritys thoughts in the same bracket. That's kind of what I mean by too freely. Like I said before nothing is wrong with it, but at the same time it feels like it's losing focus? Even though it wasn't. That's partially why I ended up skimming most of that chapter, I think.
As for poorly placed thoughts... Well It's not so much that they're poorly placed now that I'm looking at it again, it's more so that they're too in line with the narrative and almost seem to complete and/or repeat what is being said and/or narrated. It works but at the same time it leaves little to the imagination? It's still really hard to describe. Chapter 2 has this:
The very thought of not knowing every lie she had just told Twilight scared her to death. If this gets out, or if Twilight asks me again… and I don’t know… she’ll get suspicious! As Twilight copied down the notes, Scootaloo wondered how hard it would be to steal them when she wasn’t looking, copy them down, then put them back. I can’t ask for a copy; that would seem suspicious, too! I’m the one that’s supposed to know!
It's okay, yet at the same time you could do something like, "Scootaloo wondered how hard it would be to steal them when she wasn’t looking, copy them down, then put them back. She figured Twilight would notice them missing and disregarded that idea. She could ask Twilight for a copy, but she didn't want to give Twilight any grounds to investigate her life more closely."
As for the back in time thing that was merely a well... warning, as that kind of thing can totally screw you over if you don't do it right. I learned that the hard way. You did it okay, just keep in mind for future reference some people find moving back in a story a little jarring when it's not in the form of a flashback. By the way, the chapter I made went back in time like four times, soo yeah, just don't do that and you should be good. I fixed it so it pretty much only moves forward now and that was hard to do.
Finally the cupcake knights thing, I don't think it was poorly constructed. Just poorly executed. Just needed to expand on it and make it into something joke worthy. I've got my own made up game in my fiction that I've expanded on and I think successfully made into a joke and plot device.
Well I hope I was able to more clearly state my thoughts on things.
6593776 That's funny. I guilty of skimming stories, but usually it's because an author seems to put far too much fluff in their stories that fail to focus on the overall plot.
The thought thing you mentioned, the example, seems like a sort of oversight on my part. I've been trying to re-read my chapters so I can re-write things, make them seem more sensible. But that was a good suggestion to what I actually have written down. Often it can be difficult to discern what a character, such as Scootaloo, would actually think and feel in certain situations. But keep in mind that she's still a child, so I wanted to simplify some aspects, such as that explanation and her thoughts. Still, nice idea.
Do you think the thoughts, the ones I've provided in the story, are jarring? Or annoying?
Flashbacks can be very jarring too, often I find myself skimming through them because I'm just too eager to get back to the story. I know they're a part of them and it's irrational to skip them, but unless it adds something, something big, to the story then they just feel like mistakes.
You did make things more clear, and I suppose it would be cool if I actually spaced out how Cupcake Knights worked. Maybe next time.
I do appreciate you taking time out of your day to comment and give me some advice, though. Really, I do.
6593801 Naa that's the best I could describe the thoughts. They're hard for me to explain.
It's true I suppose flashbacks can be jarring as well. I would defiantly skim a flashback that I've already read, but if it was new something from the characters past that isn't yet known I can see myself skimming it if it's not too interesting.
No problem! I know exactly what it's like to get little to no constructive feedback in my own story and always leaves me wondering how I'm doing.
Anyways you defiantly got something here.
6593931 Well, thanks. I think I'll check out on of yours.
I've sometimes thought Rainbow is just to talented to teach Scootaloo, she isn't able to explain things to someone who it doesn't come naturally to. Bubbles does a pretty good job.
6595925 Ouch, you have wounded m- her.
Wow, that's some rotten luck for views.
Wonder what Scootaloos deal is?
6642797 Who knows? It could be anything!
...Wait a minute... I'm the writer. Shouldn't I know?
Dang it, the Scootaloo bit hits you right in the feels!!!! Stupid Diamond Tiara, I hope this backfires on her and she gets in trouble.
And now I've got this image of Sweetie collecting runes from every Unicorn in town to learn new magic tricks. Rune Master Sweetie Belle has a nice ring to it.
As for Apple Bloom, she definitely is an Apple, she got a simple explanation and managed to buck down an apple on her first try! Way to go!
6648659 Rune Master Pinkie sounds better.
6649929 Pinkie is already a party, pastry, baloon, cake, game, and random master, she's done enough multi-classing.
6650230 You forgot master of the Hammer Space.
We'll never know Bubbles' real name. I mean that her other names are Derpy Doo, Derpy Hooves, Muffins and Bright Eyes.
6708196 She'll always be Bubbles to me.
Huh, that was an uh, interesting interpretation of Scoots backstory, not bad, just interesting.
6710557 Do you disagree? It's just one idea for it; the best part about Fanfiction writing is you can simply disagree then go make your own interpretation.
Very well done, been reading this so long that I was disappointed when it just ended. I'm sure there is more but you did very, very good. Wish I had this kind of talent. Excited for more. Also not that I mind Scoots being a Breezie but how the hell did she change into a pony? And why do I have a feeling the god of chaos will make Scoots keep up to her promise?
6831143 Thank you for reading. And, yes, I have a few more chapters to post, they just need to be edited first. As for those two questions, you'll see...
6832116 Of course my friend. You have my full attention and awwww yeah! Anything with the god of chaos always has my attention. So fun to write. Also Derpy. Awesome as always.
6832200 Discord is very fun to write. Though I've yet to actually make him the star of a story... hmmm.
6832637 Right? If you ever need any help, ideas or advice. I got your back my friend.
6832677 Sure ^^ Do you have Skype?
6832761 Yeah. Flameclaws2 my friend.
So Sweetie and Apple Bloom are getting direct training on using their tribal magic, what about Scootaloo???
6952344 It's a comin', just waiting on my editor to edit the next few chapters. They've been written for weeks...
I can just picture Apple Bloom's head popping out of the pile of apples with a grin bright enough to light up the night.
Hmmm, given that Apple Bloom finally got it when she touched Granny's hoof, Scootaloo might need to take a ride on a few other pegasi backs to get a feel for flying and Sweetie might try being horn to horn with a more experienced unicorn to get a better feel for their magic.
6953538 Horn to... horn? Something about that doesn't sound very right...
Anyway, good suggestions, and I've seen other stories use methods like that. Where a filly or foal unicorn learns by being connected to an adult unicorn. But I wanted this to be my way of telling their universe.
6954034 Well, at the end of Canterlot Wedding we see Shining and Cadence cross horns to do the super 'Toss the Changelings through the sky like rag dolls' spell, so it's got a basis in canon of two unicorns being able to synchronize through their horns.
6954918 Eh, I accounted that something skin to, like, crossing the beams in Ghostbusters. Doesn't nececcarily mean you can teach little fillies magic that way,
Huh, the story finally got a downvote.
Scootaloo's backstory gets more and more mysterious.
6978011 Perhaps Rarity should look into things; she is a detective after all!
Scootaloo... you are making a huge mistake. I hope Bubbles comes looking for you and says Dinky is missing her new sister.
Apple Bloom and Sweetie are making great progress and it was nice to see the whole group comparing notes, it seems Sweetie and Apple Bloom sharing info is helping both of them.