When two apprentices to King Sombra flee, one finds herself battling for the fate of her world, while the other finds herself in a new world entirely. In the space of a few years, they both unwillingly find themselves at the heart of the rebellions that represent the last hope for a brighter future. As the villains' final victory looms overhead, they scramble to find a way to reverse a thousand years of bad fortune.
Will they be able to overthrow the tyrants, or are both worlds doomed to live in fear?
Chapters (4)
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Haha! That's great! Thank you.
Looks like you might've missed a closing italics tag someplace around 'You can trust this girl.'
Other than that, nicely done! A little worried about what's about to go down with Flash there at the end; the guy gets a seriously bad rap most of the time,
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Thanks for the catch. I just fixed it.
They've never directly given a name to the EQG world, as far as I know. Closest they've come is Luna/Celestia simply referring to it as 'another world' or 'the other world'. For lack of anything better 'Earth' seems to work just fine, except for a few super-picky fans. 'Earthquestria' started as sort of a tongue-in-cheek reference to the place, but some folks have taken to using that as the actual name as well,
6516380, as always, thank you. If the name is mentioned, Earth it is.
Honestly this looks pretty good. The characterizations (in my opinion) are on point and nothing really seems out of character. As for the magic, I'm not sure; I think it comes down to everyone's personal headcannon.
Pacing looks fine, although I do wish individual chapters were a bit longer/ more took place in them (it feels like we are just getting snapshots from each world rather than having a significant period of time pass). For example (the last chapter is exempt from this) you usually have a single scene happen in a chapter, like Sunset waking up to Fluttershy was all that happened in chapter two or that in this chapter we only saw the confrontation with Flash Sentry. Hence why I think each chapter was a bit longer, it would allow the reader to get immersed in the story more.
In short: Chapters feel too short cause only one thing happens in them each time, I think you could maybe use material for two chapters of the selected world for just one chapter. Only if you think its appropriate of course.
Now I also want to say I love how you've portrayed the Dazzlings here, they FEEL like a world-ending type of threat and it gives a really good atmosphere to the human-world scenes. If you could do some of that portrayal with Sombra, it would be great. Like showing him doing something terrible or showing the effects of his actions (I have a feeling this is gonna happen soon anyway) because at the moment, while we've HEARD of Sombra doing terrible things, he still seems nowhere near as strong (in the omg this guy is so evil sense) an antagonist as the Dazzlings.
I also like how you have 'split up' the other main 6/7 as protagonists between the two worlds i.e. Pinkie, Applejack, Twilight and Rarity in one. With Rainbow, Fluttershy and Sunset (and Flash?) in the other, it makes the two worlds more distinct (I guess I just don't feel like dealing with two Pinkies at the moment
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Finally; and this is more of a request, don't make flash sentry super unlikable or pointless like many other stories do, his shortcomings in the movies come from a lack of development as a character anyway and starving him of said development in a fic, doesn't help his case.
P.S. I really do love where this story is going and as a writer I believe you are progressing well (and already better than some other people I've seen
. This turned out a lot longer than I thought it'd be
6551460 . . . Wow. Just wow. Thank you so much. This is some of the most direct and helpful feedback I've ever gotten for something I've written. You gave great advice, and I'll be sure to follow it.
6553629 Heh, no problem. I just figured you'd like something more than "oh this was amazing". I know I do