Friendship is Awkard |Part Two|
A flash of light, blurry vision with stars, distorted hearing, a loud whine ringing in the ears—that is generally what some-pony would call the effects of being struck off guard, especially somewhere the old noggin.
For Twilight, this meant a screaming blue meteorite striking the very place Twilight was standing in somehow perfect ballistic and accuracy.
That’s a problem for a different time, if Twilight has to sue the asteroid belt for damages and possibly a concussion. Twilight didn’t rightly know what hit her, if it wasn’t a blue meteorite, but it’s certainly has a really raw voice after that scream.
TL;DR—Twilight was struck by a smooth criminal, going near Mach-speed, screaming like someone took a dragon’s prized jewels.
As Twilight tries to fix her googly eyes, she hears a rugged voice under her – groaning in what Twilight assumes to be pain.
“You’re… sitting… on my balls… lady…” the stallion wheezes out, Twilight doesn’t hear him. “And not the good kind, I mean the kind that actually hurts…”
“Are you alright?!” Twilight growls at the stallion, the loud ringing in her ear starting to fade. “You’re lucky I’m protected by plot armor! I would have been killed!”
“That would totally be bad,” The stallion retorts condescendingly, “Now get the buck off my balls.”
Instant hatred.
Why is that a new thing with all the ponies she meets that they flip around from asshole to kindness in a moment’s notice, like they were bipolar or something likely out of a shitty start to fan fiction
Twilight looks down to see that she was straddling the blue stallion, her face changing from a pissed off unicorn who got hit in the side of the head by a falling stallion from the clouds to a unicorn who is straddling the very falling stallion that hit her on the side of a head with a rock.
That long sentence meant a blush shoots across her face as her one good ear starts to flicker uncontrollably.
Twilight quickly rolls off of him, sits up, and starts brushing the dirt and gravel off of her coat and mane. The stallion does the same, after nursing his foreshadow-heavy hurt testicles.
“So, for the sake of your dignity and my reputation, that never happened,” The stallion bluntly says, “I would rather not be the colt who ran into a stranger that… looks totally uncool.”
“Rude!” Twilight growls, “I’ll have you know that I am the personal protégé of Prince Solaris himself!”
“Oh… buck…” The stallion gets a shocked look on his face, his breath slipping from his mouth.
“Oh buck indeed!” Twilight pops her neck, relieving tension in the bones.
“You’re a NERD!” The stallion laughs, crumbling to the ground to hold his sides while he laughs at the one thing Twilight has worked so hard to earn. “Oh! I know! You’re an egghead!”
“Don’t call me that,” Twilight’s right eye twitches.
“And because you’re purple, you’re an eggplant!” Barbs joins in the laughter, the stallion grins at Barb.
“BARB! THE BETRAYL!” Twilight shouts, glaring at the dragon rolling on the ground.
“This girl gets it!” The stallion chuckles.
This continues for a couple of minutes, or until the author decided so – he doesn’t know how to tell time based on the sun or how long scene breaks are.
The stallion sits up.
“Done?”
“Yeah-yeah, I’m done,” The stallion’s eyes look at Twilight’s mane, most particularly, her ears. “Whoa! What happened to your right ear? It’s all shredded and stuff!”
Twilight subconsciously flickers her mangled ear, “Don’t worry about it,”
“But I want to know!” The stallion complains, “What could be so bad about telling me about something as stupid as torn ear?”
“Stupid?” Twilight asks, narrowing her eyes to a dangerous level of barely seeing.
I’m going to enjoy this more than I should…
“GOSH! I ONLY ASKED WHAT HAPPENED AND YOU HIT ME ON MY BALLS!” The stallion cups his jewels and rolls around on the ground in pain, Twilight rolls her right hoof clockwise—not really use to physical violence.
It took one quick hit on the male genitalia that’s worthy of all stallions to cross their legs and hiss like rattlesnakes on a train, to shut the stallion up. Even Barb – who doesn’t even have what the blue stallion has – still closes her legs tighter than she normally would.
“Now if you excuse me, I have to go find this Rainbow Blitz bloke,” Twilight, satisfied with the amount of times she slammed her hoof into the stallion’s family jewels, says with venom leaking out of her voice. “And talk to him about the weather—cheerio, you sod.”
“Ay!” The stallion sits back up, done cupping his now-blue jewels. “That happens to be me, the fastest thing alive, total lady-killer, and the one perfect for the Wonderbolts!—what? You didn’t see my totally kick-ass mane?!”
“Oh goddess damn it, me and my luck…” Twilight mumbles under her breath, pinching her snout with her hoof. “I don’t even want to talk to you for more than I should, so I’ll make it simple.”
“Buck you too,” Rainbow Blitz answers, his high pain tolerance the reason he stops hurting in his jewels.
“We want a clear sky for the celebration, not a cloudy day,” Twilight explains to the rainbow haired stallion, who was following along.
“I see,” The stallion shrugs, “Why should I care when it gets done, I could have it done in ten seconds.”
“Impossible,” Twilight declares, looking at a whole group of clouds starting to bunch together – not to mention the amount of clouds there are on this cloudy day. “You’d have to be moving near the speed of sound, and I hate to break it to you – and I mean I don’t – you’re not fast—”
“Done,” Rainbow Blitz lands in front of Twilight, causing a stray gust of wind to blast her from the right side of her face.
“Hold on, I’m not done mocking you,” Twilight opens her eyes again, expecting to see clouds in the sky – and what she saw was a whole lot of blue and a sun.
Twilight’s internal organs feel like they’ve been replaced with ice, to avoid a lethal and mental breakdown she decided to flip sides. “See? You cleared all of the clouds…”
“Lady, your man-…” Rainbow Blitz starts, but Barbra quickly makes a ‘No Bueno’ motion with her hands.
“Meaning you went near the speed of sound, by the calculations of how many words I said and how long it should have took—What are you looking at?” Twilight turns back around to them, Barbra and Rainbow Blitz literally on tears to avoid from screaming out.
“Your mane,” Rainbow Blitz suppresses a laugh (and by suppress, I mean loudly laughing in her face while pointing.) “Oh my god, you totally look like that one guy from that play!”
“Fanny, from the GameTrumps?!”
“YES!!”
Twilight didn’t hear him, her mane puffed out into the most fabulous curly-afro Barbra and Rainbow Blitz ever seen. The mane covers her good ear, because of the gust of wind, instead of her right, chewed up ear.
“Hey!” Rainbow Blitz yells into the mangled ear of Twilight, “I’m trying to make fun of you here and it only works when you can hear me!”
Still nothing.
“Oi!” Barb calls to Rainbow Blitz, climbing back up to Twilight’s back and points at her bad ear. “That’s completely deaf, unless you scream your voice into a megaphone –she might notice you.”
“What happened to it?” Rainbow Blitz questions, Barb shrugs in return. “I’d only assume that you know what happened because you live with her!’
“It was before I was born, even then, she won’t tell me,” Barbra defends, “She won’t tell anyone, not even Solaris knows what happened to her ear.”
“What?” Twilight calls out, hearing almost next to nothing.
“So… Is that why she totally went psycho when I asked about it?” Rainbow Blitz asks, “That’s the first time a mare has kicked – and kept kicking me – me in the balls for asking a question…”
“Touchy subject, I guess,” Barbs shrugs again, moving the hair out of Twilight’s good ear. “Anyways, I’m Barbra and she’s Twilight.”
“You already know mine,” Rainbow Blitz shrugs, “So what’s the big deal with her?”
“Huh?” Barbra blinks, not understanding the question. “Sorry, culture differences, what do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s put her in such a bad mood?”
“Besides the whole crashing into her and acting like a dick for no reason?” Barbra condescendingly shrugs, “Solaris basically lost our house in a card game and we’re forced to live here.”
“What, so she thinks she’s better than us?!” Roars Rainbow Blitz, glaring at the confused as hell unicorn. “Just because she’s Solaris’s special student?!”
“Not really,” Barbra quickly answers, and thus quieting down Rainbow Blitz’s easily triggered rage for now. “She doesn’t exactly enjoy attention, she practically hates it.”
“A mare who doesn’t like attention, what are the odds…” Rainbow Blitz mumbles, “I know someone who acts the exact same way, except he doesn’t talk as much as her.”
“You should be thankful she’s making a coherent response to you,” Barbra brings up, “You can’t find a more awkward conversation with another pony, even if you talk about taxes during sex. Probably what she’ll do.”
“Whoa, you got quite the imagination,” Rainbow Blitz raises an eyebrow at Barbra, “How old are you?”
“Pony years or Dracon years?” Barbra fires back, “Dragons live for a damn long time, especially female dragons,”
“Let’s try Pony years,” says Rainbow Blitz.
“…Okay… its 300 C.E… divide that by ten point five…” Barbra mumbles, math equations filling her head to the brim. “Carry the four… Seventeen.”
“Wow, what about Dracon years?”
“Don’t even bring that up, I made a mistake to, that’s going to take me all day to calculate,” Barbra warns, “Don’t even worry about it.”
“I can dig it,” Rainbow Blitz shrugs, a smile on his face lasting no longer than three seconds. “Anyways, I’m sure you got some other thing going on – and I gotta practice for my entrance to the Wonderbolts – so I’ll catch ya later.”
“Cheerio,” Barbra says, watching the stallion burst into the air. She looks back to Twilight and pulls her ear out of the frizzy, and awfully scratchy, mane.
“What happened?” Twilight spaced out, “What did he say?”
“Heh, nice try, we’re moving on,” Barba says bluntly, “What’s next on the list?”
“Oh… erm… Decorations,” Twilight answers, but looks back to Barbra. “Are you sure? It looked like you two were laughing… by the way… did you stick a cotton ball into my ear?”
“Are you being purposefully dense right now, do you not feel how frizzy your mane is right about now?” Barba tugs on a strand of hair, “It got into your good ear.”
“I don’t even want to see my mane, but” Twilight says dejectedly, feeling like an idiot. “I’m embarrassed about the way I acted and I want to apologize to him.”
“Okay, you social anxious mare, c’mon!” Barbra taps Twilight on the head, “You can do that later—”
As the two leave, Rainbow Blitz lands and stares after them—mostly towards Twilight and her flank. The stallion grins and shakes his head.
“For an egghead, she ain’t bad looking,” He says to himself, thoughts shooting throughout his head. “Yep, totally going to bang her.”
“In, and out,” Twilight instructs, standing at the door of the really fancy boutique. “I want to hurry up and get to our new house and unpack everything, it’s been a long day.”
“At least you met someone, especially the way that Rainbow stallion looked at you,” Barbra teases, receiving a death glare from Sparkle. “What? Too soon to talk about the pent up sexual aggression you two obviously share?”
“…Good god, Barbra, what in Tartarus kind of magazines are you reading?!” Twilight exclaims, “Blimey!”
“Beside the point, you actually have a chance at not being alone…” Barbra begins, but is cut off by Twilight’s interjection.
“But that’s pretty much what I want…” Twilight mumbles, “But no, every-must have friends and whatnots. Especially a stallion who towers over me and an arsehole with a gay mane-cut. What good ponies…?”
“Applejack was pretty nice,” Barbra shrugs, “You could always go for the farmboy route…”
“Must I remind you of my sexual orientation?” says Twilight Sparkle, sharply spoken.
“For all I know, you’ll wine and dine with a bookmark,” OF COURSE BARBRA HAS TO BRING UP LAST YEAR’S HEART’S WARMING EVE.
“Mush!” Twilight hisses at Barbra, who just simply shrugs and takes her seat on the back of Twilight.
Opening the door is like opening a lid off of the pickle jar, it just wasn’t happening, no matter how hard you pull.
“C’mon Twilight! Stop faffing about!” Barbra chastised, “I’m going to get a tan while you do this!”
“You! Can’t! TAN!” Twilight finally learns to push, instead of pulling the door off of the hinges. Indeed while pulling so hard, only for it not to move, she pushes the door open – successfully making about twenty brain cells commit suicide.
“Crickey!” Barbra stands, pushing on Twilight’s spine uncomfortably, “Look at the beauty!”
Twilight picks up a strand of ribbons, noticing the quality to be professional but something about it… made it… seem… off… maybe the fabric being made out of fuckin’ gold is the reason. “Top notch work, okay, let’s leave…”
“Not the physically impossible ribbons, you chufa! I mean HIM!” Looking centered stage, Twilight notices a white stallion hard at work. His mane was purple and in curls, and the author mentions this because of the way it looks girlish.
“Ten bits says he’s gay,” Twilight says to Barbra, who would have made the deal if it wasn’t for the way she hovers in the air with hearts appearing in her eyes.
“He blooming better not be!” Barbra puffs out her chest before looking at Twilight, “YOU HAVE TO BE MY WINGPONY!”
“You don’t have a chufa’s chance in hell with him,” Twilight deadpans, looking through her cold hard reality eyes instead of Barbra’s heart eyes. “And he’s completely out of my league, out of my ballpark, out of my sport, out of my nation to be right.”
“Good thing I’m not the one who sleeps with a doll,” Barbra growls, hearts still for eyes, “Be my wingpony or I’ll nark to every-pony about that stupid doll!”
“Don’t you dare bring Mr. Smartypants into this, you chufa!” Twilight warns, “And stop using yellow nutsedge an insult! It doesn’t even make sense!”
Barbra was unmoved.
“Bloody Nora, you’re a tough chufa to crack,” Twilight relinquishes, “Why am I having déjà vu?”
“Because you’re meeting a stallion against your will again?! Hurry up before you’re social anxiety kicks in, you swot!” Barbra, acting like a rat in a kitchen, tugs on Twilight’s mane forward. “C’mon!”
“Uh… Hullo… erm…” A blank goes through Twilight’s mind and she stands there awkwardly, fishing for the correct words but can’t.
Even when Twilight does find the words, it seems incredibly rude to just stop someone from working on their job—Twilight doesn’t want to be the cause of someone not getting work done, that’s just ludicrous.
The white stallion looks up after Twilight sneezes, his pupils shrinking into pinpricks as he cuts off the mechanical sewing machine. Twilight, however, doesn’t notice.
“Oh, um, hullo again,” Twilight fumbled the greeting, how nice. “I just wanted to tell you about our lord and savior, sol— oof!” One sharp nudge from Barbra later. “I wanted to… um… put the good word in for my friend…!”
“My Goodness! Your mane!” The stallion shoots up, receiving a quickly retreating mare in return. “Who would do such a thing to a lady’s mane!?”
“…I was going to fix it at home…”
“Good Solaris! The bravery!” The white stallion cries, not literally crying but saying ‘says’ all the time is just saying the author’s not very clever with his dialog ending, “It’s… soo…”
“Jewfro?” Twilight answers with sarcasm, but it seems the unicorn took her seriously.
“Exactly! This must get corrected right this instant!” The unicorn levitates up several of combs, blow dryers, and sprays. “HERE! NOW! I FIX MANE!”
“Oh! Um! No need! I don’t want to waste your time!” Twilight quickly retreats, and fumbles and excuse. “We’re just leaving!”
“Whose ‘we’?” Barbra asks, breaking out of her trance, floating over to Twilight. “Come on! You HAVE to take one for the team!”
“Barbra!” Twilight whines, “He’s a nutcase!”
“It’s not about this!” Barbra makes imaginary lines appear out of her finger tips as she draws a circle in midair, “Or this!” She draws a triangle. “It’s all about THIS!” She draws a rectangle.
“That’s incredibly vague!”
"Oh no, Madame, I insist!” The stallion puts on the most serial killer – like face one a mother could love—quote on quote. “And I will not take no for an answer.”
“I need an adult…” Twilight mumbles as she sits on a stylist chair that came out of somewhere.
“I am an adult!” the stallion says, getting ready to style.
(what is it with Twilight and her luck of finding a Farm Boy, a jerk-ass, and a psycho all in one day?!)
As Elusive styled Twilight’s mane in multiple different fashions, Twilight decided to keep her usual mane-cut, they had a bit of a chin wag.
Not what you’re probably thinking, it means they had a bit of a chit-chat.
It sounded more or less like a test, to Twilight, and it only managed to shut her up further than any of the two colts she met so far.
Of course, the white unicorn never pried and respected her silence on certain questions—especially about the ear.
Twilight learns that the stallion’s name is Elusive, and regarding Twilight’s bet for him being a bender is completely irreverent now.
“I don’t remember catching your name, darling,” Elusive says.
“Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight answers, allowing him to completely comb and brush her mane to a sheen.
“Ms. Sparkle, I faintly remember your name,” Elusive continues, “Is it okay if I call you Ms. Sparkle?”
“As long as it’s not Sparkler, or eggplant, or egghead, I’m easy,” Twilight shrugs, “Honestly, being called in a professional manner isn’t exactly the worst thing to happen to me so far.”
“Yes, such ruffians like Rainbow Blitz or Applejack are in no right to treating a lady right!” Elusive clucks his tongue, which is a noise Twilight instantly despises now but decided not to interrupt because of that reason.
“I beg your pardon?” Twilight quips up, deciding to keep quiet of the fact Elusive practically forced Twilight into a mane-cut. “Applejack wasn’t completely off his rocker as Rainbow Blitz—I say,”
Twilight coughs into her hoof, “or as you”
“Sorry, I was concentrating on something different, is your dragon okay?” Elusive looked up to see a STILL floating dragoness with hearts replacing eyes. “She’s a little… how do I say… being weird…”
Twilight coughs again into her hoof, “and bob’s your uncle”
“She’s fine, her name’s Barbra,” Twilight shot a glare, “I’m lucky she isn’t a boy.”
“Why’s that?” Elusive asks.
“She’d be raping your leg,”
GOD DAMMIT TWILIGHT, YOU AND YOUR STUPID WORDS.
“Oh my—that’s… not something you’d hear every day.” Elusive awkwardly replies.
“Cor blimey…” Twilight mumbles, “I’m sorry, I’m just not use to talking to… erm… other individuals of my own race…”
“Oh, it’s quite alright darling!” Elusive coughs awkwardly into his hoof, “It just caught me off guard, that’s all!”
“Sorry…” Twilight chuckles forcefully, “I panic sometimes under pressure and would say the first thing that goes to my mind…”
“…meaning you were thinking about Barbra doing a horrid deed on someone’s leg?” Elusive raises an eyebrow, “Again, not something I hear every day…”
“That’s irreverent,” Twilight feels a blood vessel popping from the sheer amount of awkwardness spewing from her mouth. “So I pretty much spoke about myself, what about you – could you tell me about yourself, rather?”
“Well, since you asked, I’ve always wanted to live among nobles in Canterlot!” Elusive sighs dreamily, “Riches aside, I want to talk with like-minded ponies – conversations that only they have, but most of all: my dream of finding the perfect bride!”
“That sounds lovely!” Twilight actually gives a real smile, for the first time in the day.
“Mm-hmm, but the only thing stopping me is how fair it would exactly be on my friends here if I just up-and abandoned them,” Elusive sprays something in Twilight’s hair, “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
“Right—”
“I have recently gotten another goal, however,”
“Pray tell?”
“Of being the best of mates with you, Ms. Sparkle,” Elusive gives a sly smiles, and Twilight offers a small half-smile back.
“Well that sounds love—wait a second…”
Processing.
Loading.
TwilightSparkleAlarm.exe fully functioning and online.
Status:
RED FLAGS!
RED FLAGS!
RED FUCKING FLAPPY FLAGS!
NOT PENALTY FLAGS.
REDDER THAN FUCKING BLOOD FLAGS.
“You don’t have a Canterlis Accent…” Twilight’s smile drops and an alarm siren echoes throughout her head.
Twilight shoots up from her seat and snatches Barbra from the air. “Oh bloody nora! Do you see the time! WEDON’TWANTTOBELATEFORTHEPREPERATIONSTHATIAMNOTATTENDINGOKAYGOODBYEANDGOODRIDDANCE!!”
One mindset Twilight had in mind.
RUNNING
LIKE
HELL
AWAY FROM THIS WHACKO OF A STALLION!!
Or until she ran out of breath.
“I should… have… paid… attention in P.E!” Twilight regrets so hard, her heart beating so fast and lively – her mangled ear was feeling pulses. “UGH!” Twilight holds her chest, feeling the beats of the heart.
“Don’t have a heart attack now!” Barbra leans over Twilight’s head, “This will teach you to not work out, ya lazy squish!”
“Bite me, I’m trying my hardest not to flip out here,” Twilight retorts, panting. “It’s been one hell of a day! I just want some peace and quiet now, maybe a cuppa, but that’s just the rambling of a mare tired of other species of my own race.”
“So, should we skip the next thing on the list then?” Barbra asks, even though she knows the answer.
“No!” Twilight rubs her chest, a light headed feeling approaching her head. “Solaris will hang me by his bloody beard if he finds out I skipped a block!”
“Really?”
Twilight snorts. “Of course not, but you’ll be swinging.”
“You cheeky…” Barbra begins but shakes her head, realizing that their bickering will only go back and forth. “What is the next thing on the list?”
“Music… huh… you’d think they’d get Treble Clef to do that task,” Twilight comments, moving to a swift and nervous trot.
And for the sake of time, they found who they were looking for.
And unlike the Unexpected Love Live, Twilight didn’t fall head over tit for the yellow stallion, however, Twilight would admit that he looks even closer to a geek than Twilight does.
For one, he wears glasses, which Twilight found ABSOLUTELY Adorkable. Another thing was his voice, which is soft and light on her ear instead of the booming and rugged voice of Blitz or The loud and close Applejack.
While trotting up to the stallion, Twilight clears her throat – preferably a raw voice from talking for so long. This action successfully scares away the stallion’s birds, leaving feathers in their wake.
Also the stallion, he clings to a tree branch high in the air with a yelp – his glasses tilted almost off of his face, but was held up by the force or something like that. The branch shivers and shake like a shitty Ybox controller, that, or a Nintendon’t 69 Rumble Pak.
The stallion lasts up there for a minute before the branch snaps, because of the weight of the stallion. Twilight looks on with disdain now, if it wasn’t annoyance panging through her head then she doesn’t know what.
“You don’t think that was even a LITTLE of an overreaction?” Twilight deadpans, looking over the yellow stallion’s body. Twilight picks up the stallion’s glasses with levitation, landing the glasses into her hooves. “Blimey, I thought I was bad.”
“Sorry,” The stallion quickly gets up, brushing the dirt off of his coat. The stallion faces a bench, as if Twilight was there. “I didn’t expect company, or an audience…”
“I’m over here, mate,” Twilight taps the stallion on the shoulder, causing the stallion to flinch slightly. “C’mon you, get your glasses on.” Twilight carefully places the glasses onto his snout, his pupils contracts in focus before relaxing. “Much better, I’m Twilight Sparkle.”
The stallion’s cheeks go red at the proximity of the two, literally inches from each other. Twilight notices this and quickly backs up, an awkward silence falling over them.
“…” The stallion says, keeping his jaws wired shut.
“…” Twilight replies, biting her tongue to avoid shouting out a random answer on Quantum Physics.
“Butterscotch,” The stallion answers softly, finally too-writing silence is too easy to write and boring to read. Mostly into the deaf ear of Twilight Sparkle.
“Sorry?” Twilight flicks her bad ear, “That ear doesn’t work, don’t ask—won’t tell.”
“Oh, sorry,” The stallion blinks, a flustered look shooting across his face. “It’s—” He mumbles.
“Fluttershy?” Twilight leans in closer, left ear on full alert.
“No, it’s—OH MY GOODNESS!! IS THAT A BABY DRAGON!!??” Fluttershy shouts, causing Twilight to reel back in a sharp-like pain-trance.
“WAGH!” Twilight wails, she holds her only good ear as it rings it’s painful high pitch wail. Twilight rubs her ear gingerly, it starts to throb lively.
“Sorry!” The stallion goes back to his normal level of volume, “It’s Butterscotch,” He turns back to the dragon. “I never seen a baby dragon before! What’s your name? What can you say about dragons!”
“Barbra,” Says the dragoness dryly, picking her teeth. “What are you, writing a book?”
“Oh, yes!” The stallion makes a squeak, exactly like you’d expect out of a toy. “I love to make archives of the different species I seen, I’ve never seen a dragon before!”
“I think I figured that out,” Barbra retorts, “Well, if you want my life story – I’m more than happy to chat.”
“No need, I’ll be heading home,” Twilight says, walking in the direction of the address printed on the back of the Eviction Notice. “Enjoy your chat, I wouldn’t mind an eternal night anymore. Good day.”
“It all started when Twilight didn’t pay attention to Solaris…” Barbra begins, which halts Twilight in her tracks. Twilight’s dead ear twitches, even though she can’t feel it. “About the Muffin Mare…”
I will buck you off of my back, I swear to the father of Solaris, if you share that slander I will send you to the stars.
Note to self, kill Barbra in her sleep via Space Rocket zooming into the sun. BECAUSE SHE DID THAT JUST TO SPITE TWILIGHT, AGAIN, THE BETRAYL.
Barbra didn’t leave any details, any of them, pretty much telling everything about Twilight to this stallion that they just met.
“And that’s everything leading up to today.” Barbra finishes, smugly grinning at Twilight.
“I never knew this red plumber saved you, he must be a real hero!” Butterscotch says softly, but eagerly to speak to Twilight because of OUT OF CHARACTER CHARM. “Or about a stallion named Peter, who can spit webs out of his hooves.”
“Me neither,” Twilight really wants to end the conversation, entirely fed up with life. “It’s been really nice to talk, but I need to get ready for eternal night.”
“Aren’t you going to invite him for tea?” Barbra asks, again, condescendingly.
“What’s that?” Twilight points to an empty sky, making Butterscotch turn around.
“I don’t see anything?” The yellow stallion turns around to see a dazed dragon on the ground and a unicorn mare picking him back up. “Oh my! Is he alright?”
“Peachy, but I think she needs a nap,” Twilight coos, “She can’t even keep upright!”
“Sleep is very important for a growing boy,” Butterscotch agrees, “Perhaps we could meet again, Twilight?”
“Soon, (when hell freezes over)” Twilight replies, opening the door to her new house, looking at all of her things just tossed onto the side of the front door. “I swear those guards hate me…”
Twilight enters through the door, flipping on the lights to the dark hollow tree.
Twilight’s heart leaps. “SURPRISE!!!” Ponies yells, left, right, and centered stage. The pink stallion blows a kazoo in Twilight’s face, as if to end the surprise.
All eyes were on her. All of them. Staring. Smiling. Applejack and Rainbow Blitz and Elusive and Butterscotch. Every-pony else too.
Heart. Beating. Faster.
Faster.
FASTER.
“Hi! I’M Bubble Berry, but you can call me Bubble like every-pony else! What’s your name!? I hope to be best of friends! WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!” Bubble rambles, and with the marking of his words –out came a poster reading IT’S A GIRL WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!
Twilight huffs, and then puffs, and then bawls her eyes out –racing through the crowd of ponies to reach upstairs.
“….” Bubble Berry didn’t move from, “Maybe she’s just crying tears of joy!”
Barbra raced in the house, waking up from her ‘nap’ “What’s going on…. No… No-ho-ho, you didn’t!”
“Do what?” Rainbow Blitz asks, “What? She has a fear of fun?”
“No, well maybe, but not that!” Barbra sighs, “She doesn’t like attention drawn to her. At all!”
“Yeah?” Rainbow Blitz has yet to put two and two together, “So?”
“That also means she doesn’t like other ponies around her, looking at her, talking to her, or even hearing her all at once!” Barbra points to the party banner, “Congratulations, it’s a girl sobbing her eyes out upstairs.”
“So, party’s canceled?” A stranger asks, receiving groans of dismissal and annoyance in return.
“Not really, just let her ease into it. Have at it, I’ll talk to her later.”
“YAY!” Booms Bubble, “PARTY TIME!”
And indeed it was .
For hours.
And hours.
And hours.
And hours.
And hours.
And then for a couple of seconds break…
And then for an hour.
Throughout the party, Twilight covers her head in a soaked with tears pillow, an attempt to keep the sound out of her mind. Some quiet noise, some mental health, something to shut everything up for just a moment. Twilight wants silence, always wanted it, longed for to be alone without feeling lonely.
The door opens and Twilight gives out a death stare worthy of a remodel of the Death Star. Bubble Berry has a lampshade for a hat, or covering his entire head if you will.
Twilight’s favorite lampshade.
“Hey, snoozy doozy! I was just checking up on you!” The stallion says, “It’s me! Berry Bubble!”
His voice.
Instantly despised.
Twilight remains silent, sighing as she ducks her head back into her pillow. “Just go away, you bugger.”
“Nada! If we’re going to straight-copy the Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, we might as well do it correctly!” Bubble Berry grins, wearing a sign for a not so shady/obvious sponsership about a soon to be updated storyline. “Anyways, why are you sad? Is it because the Joker’s dead?”
“What?!” Twilight shoots up, fearing an actual dead clown in her new house.
“The clown! He’s dead!” Bubble groans, “Didn’t you pay attention to the comic?!”
“Well, no, because I don’t even realize they still make comics…” Twilight huffs, “Blimey, you scared me for a second!”
“How about a deck of cards? You know how the Germanes sell good things?” Twilight gets a face full of cards, cards of hearts falling from the deck. “Okay, maybe not, but how about magazines? You got Hooters, Cooters, Tutors, Computers!”
“I beg your pardon?!—”
“What I’m trying to say is, I can’t possible scare you!” Bubble strokes his chin as he smokes on a bubble pipe, wearing a tuxedo and a top hat. “Indeed, pip pip, old chap!”
“Where’d you get those?!”
“Party USA, but that’s not important!” Bubble says, “I’m trying to make you feel better, how else would a normal Canterlot Pony would act in Canterlot?”
“WHAT ARE THOOOSE??!!” Twilight points at the tuxedo hoof-shoes violently, never seeing a stallion wear a black dress shoes in ages.
“My crocodile!” The shoe moves, a alligator painted black. “Isn’t she just cute?!”
“WHAT—NO, I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS RUBBISH! I AM GOING TO – oh... hugging works too…” Twilight has her head pressing into the chest of Bubble, the smell of a bakery invading her nose. Bubble wraps Twilight into a hug.
“A hug fixes everything! Except criminal charges!” Bubble Berry grins. “Now that you’re calm, tell me everything what’s wrong.”
And Twilight did.
“So, how can we fix my problems?” Twilight asks finally.
“Huh? I was focusing on the time.”
“For twenty minutes, I’ve been explaining in detail why this day was crumby,” Twilight mumbles, “Thanks for contributing.”
“I will tell you a story about a really unlucky barnacle,” Bubble Berry says. “Once upon a time, there was a female barnacle named Starlight Twinkle...”
“HEY!”
“This barnacle was so unlucky, that everything she came across of fell in love with her…”
“Please stop,”
“But the barnacle didn’t enjoy attention,” Bubble Berry continues.
“You’re not stopping, are you?” Twilight concludes.
“So she continued to live on life unluckily, (“That’s not even a correct way to word a story!”) that every-pony dies from a meteor.”
“…” Twilight sigh, lowering her head. “That didn’t help at all!”
“Didja think about any pony else?” Bubble Berry smiles, “How they are affected by your mood?”
“What are you trying to say, I’m so confused!” Twilight groans, “I had a better time deciphering Romane Messages than this!”
“Aren’t they unsolvable?” Bubble Berry asks.
“THAT’S THE POINT!” Twilight yells, stuffing her head into the pillow like an ostrich. “Seriously, if you have something sensible to say, say it or go.”
“Well, I tried that route… time to rip off The Unexpected Love Life – again.” Bubble Berry shrugs, “Twilight, what exactly are you going to find under the pillow?”
“my head?” Twilight muffles out.
“Well duh! But what else? You realize that instead of making friends and defeating Nightmare Moon – Er – Night-Terror Knight, you’ve been complaining nonstop about the entire situation!”
“How do you know—”
“Barb spilled the beans,” Bubble admits.
“Figures,” Twilight rolls her eyes. “But you’re right, but..”
“YES?!” Bubble Berry bounces in place.
“I give up,” Twilight says, snuggling up to her pillow. “I’m done with that sod-ish story, It’s a myth and a legend told by millions of ponies of thousands of years. It’s nonsense.”
“But!”
“I didn’t even care about it to begin with!” Twilight rolls on her bed, cocooning herself in her sheets. “I mean, I did, but I stopped.”
“…” Bubble Berry strokes his chin. “You’re just giving up?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Twilight mumbles.
“Why?” Bubble Berry asks.
“You have everything you want, you all do, like motivation that drives you like mindless drones with the promises of everything getting better tomorrow,” Twilight rants/muffles. “You know what I want? Quiet. Peace. Alone time! Not a bloody party!”
“And Eternal darkness for eons of horrible torture and punishment of ponies, causing a great famine for everyone?”
“…If I go to the Celebration and there’s no Night-Terror Knight, I’m going to kill myself,” Twilight emerges from the sheets.
“THAT’S THE SPIRIT!”
Twilight sits there, staring at the curtains, occasionally checking the crowd for her sister but alas, she wasn’t there.
“I’m getting the noose ready,” Twilight says finally, standing up and walking down the aisle – only to be lead back to her seat by an annoyed Rainbow Blitz.
Twilight notices a old colt, not as old as her grandparents but old enough to sport grey hair. The stallion clears his throat. “Fillies and Gentle-colts, welcome to the two-thousandth celebration of the summer sun, I am your reprwsenative – Senator Stallion… sorry for my monotone – it’s too early for me,”
A few ponies chuckle, others give a blank stare as they try to rub the sleep out of their eyes. Twilight broods while Rainbow Blitz waits in anticipation, Applejack chewing on a strand of onion-weed, Elusive watching Twilight diligently, Butterscotch practicing his conducting while the birds do a quick harmonizing.
“BUT, without delay because I need sleep, I introduce our glorious leader: Prince Solaris!” The Senator Stallion cues the curtain fall, but instead of our ponified Mayan sun god – it’s Hitler!
“THE FUCK’S A ‘HITLER’?!” Some pony in the crowd shouts. “WHY IS IT STANDING ON HIS LEGS!?? WHY IS HE SPEAKING SUCH A VIOLET LANGUAGE?!”
“Screw you guys, I’m going home,” Rainbow Blitz stretches his wings and was about to sour, until a booming voice came from beyond the bipedal organism wearing a weird outfit with a seemingly offensive symbol.
“HITLER! WHAT HAVE WE TOLD THEE TO DO?!” Booms a really dark, edgy, and Voldemort-like voice. “BAD HUMAN, THAT’S A BAD HUMAN!”
“Es tut uns leid Vater ...” The human lowered his head, disappearing into smoke, being replaced by Night-Terror Knight.
“HELLO!” Knightly screams, or talks normally but it sounds like a scream. “YOUR LORD AMD SAVIOR IS HERE, PEASENTS, HOWS IT GOING? GOING GOOD?”
“Screw you!” a pony in the crowd screams.
“WHOA, NO NEED FOR ALL THAT HOSTILITY, SQUIRE!” Knightly says, his voice full of friendliness but his appearance and actions are otherwise as he practically snaps the neck of that pony in the crowd with a cloud-mist. “SORRY, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE US. WE JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG!”
“Hey! You killed him!” Rainbow Blitz shoots up. “What the hay is wrong with you?!”
“WE DID?” Knightly asks, condescendingly. “WE WERE HOPING HE WOULD DIE FROM DIRE AIDS, TRULY A SAD SIGHT!”
“Bloody Nora!” Twilight exclaims.
“SO, MUCH LIKE WORLD OF WARCRAFT, NON OF YOU ARE HERE BY CHOICE ANYMORE.” Knightly says, pacing in front of the Ponies. “YOU ARE ALL UNDER MY RULE NOW.”
“What about Solaris?!” Twilight shouts, “What have you done to him?!”
“NOTHING! HE JUST SURRENDED!” Knightly says, “WE KIDDTH YOU NAWT! WE HAVE HIM IMPRISONED!”
Gasps.
“ALSO YOUR PET LIZARD AND BUNNY!”
“Barb?!” Twilight looks behind her to find the rude dragon not on her perch of Twilight’s back. “Oh no!”
“Angel?!” Butterscotch searches frantically. “oh no…”
“OH YEAH!!!” Knightly screams while holding the shift button down. “NOW WE WILL ENGULF YOU INTO ETERNAL NIGHT!”
“You sound like a cool dude, but you’re acting like a dick!” Some pony yells.
“Yeah, man, that’s just, like, fucking mean.” Another pony says in hippie.
“THAT’S BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING EVIL!” Knightly continues to hold down shift because he’s not a capslock nerd. “I WIN. YOU LOSE. NOW ENJOY THE NIGHT, FOR IT WILL FOREVER!”
Forever
Echoes
Echoes.
Echoes
Echoes.
“You’ll never get away with this!” Twilight snarls, receiving a chuckle from Knightly.
“WHO IS GOING TO STOP US?” Knightly uses his cloud-mist to strangle the guards around him. “YOU? WE THINK NAWT.”
Knightly appears in front of Twilight, slyly grinning. “We have other plans for you, cutie.”
“I NEED AN ADULT,” Twilight cries out.
“WE ARE AN ADULT!” Knightly replies, trailing his tongue up Twilight’s jawbone.
“HOOFS OFF MY FUTURE BRIDE!” Elusive screeches, charging ahead, but was met with a ghostly bitch slap from Hitler that will be honored for generations.
Elusive crashes into a wall.
“Oh god, not the Nazi bitch slap!” Bubble gasps, “That’s an equivalent to a poorly timed Holocaust joke!”
Rainbow Blitz gotten a pimp slap from Stalin, while Applejack wrestled Donald Trump to a standstill.
Of course, they disappeared once Knightly taken his place back onto the stage, winking at Twilight. “WAKA WAKA!” Night-Terror Knight escapes, leaving behind a very disturbed and violated Twilight and a lot of dead ponies.
“HEY!!” Roars Rainbow Blitz chasing after the cloud until it somehow outran him and his mare counterpart. “COME BACK HERE YOU PUSSY! FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!”
Rainbow Blitz sees the new unicorn in town that he has a high urge to bang for no reason reason other than the satisfaction of being on top of her?
How else does OTPs happen – the author doesn’t fucking know don’t ask him—
ask the situation.
SMASHING THROUGH TWILIGHT’S WINDOW WITH VIGOR, while the others calmly walk through the front door, RAINBOW BLITZ LANDS IN FRONT OF TWILIGHT AND STARTS INTERROGATION.
“FIRST of all, and to finally be able to say this, are you a spy?!” Rainbow Blitz gets into Twilight’s personal space, looking for hints of the kind of spy-thingies spy kids would wear on spy missions to spy while being spied on by their spy mum and sly dad on a really spy movie.
“I literally had my only thing close to a friend I have taken away from me, of course I’m not a spy!” Twilight deadpans.
“LIKEly story! But that’s something a SPY would say!” Blitz hollers.
“…” Twilight remains silent.
“FIRST, while everyone goes to their loved ones – you go to the library!” Rainbow Blitz accues.
“…because I’m looking up a way to thwart Knightly’s plans of destruction?” Twilight wilts under the attention all five of them giving. “I don’t have any loved ones in Ponyville."
“SOMETHING A SPY WOULD SAY!” Rainbow Blitz shrugs off. “Second! You come into Pontville exactly the same time as Knight! Explain!”
“Coincidence?” Twilight offers.
“I THINK NOT!” Rainbow Blitz says, “MAYBE you win but I’m keeping my eyes on you, you sexy thing.”
“W-what—w-wow okay—creep” Twilight stutters, “Right, anyone has any idea how to stop them?”
Nope.
“Someone?”
Nope.
“Bloody hell, I don’t have all the answers!” Twilight struggles, her mind drawing a blank.
“But yer smart, Ah’m purty sure you can figure it out!” Applejack encourages, “Just use that big noggin of yers!”
“DO IT,” Bubble Berry yells, “JUST. DO. IT.”
“Come on, you fucking egghead! Figure something out with that big brain!” Rainbow Blitz roars.
“Take your time, darling, don’t rush yourself my love~” Elusive encourages.
“I need my angel back, I feel so lost without her…” Butterscotch pleads.
Everything just boils over now.
“E, LOOK FOR ELEMENTS! GOD SAKE LOOK EVERYWHERE!” Twilight’s irises turn red, her coat covered in so much white-hot magic – turns white, and her mane and tail burst into literal fucking fire.
The stallions stare at her, nervousness creeping up their necks.
And then there’s Blitz, with an awkward boner from the sheer amount of badassery that just emits from Twilight.
It takes… no longer than a few minutes of destroying the library to find the book. Twilight had cooled down back to her normal self, and Blitz has too after taking his sweet time in the bathroom to rid himself of that erection.
So they learned one more noble truth: Don’t push Twilight too far or she’ll start whooping some ass.
“Ahh, let’s see,” Twilight flips through. “Some generic poem-rubbish, some facts about Necrosis – ew – Here!”
“Well, the Elements of Harmony seems to be some kind of stone that’s used to banish Knight into the moon.”
“Well, where is it?” Rainbow Blitz questions, “On the moon.”
“Even worse—
The Everfree Forest!” Twilight exclaims.
“That’s just great,” Rainbow Blitz complains, “It should be the moon, at least we can bounce around until we suffacte.”
“Yep, you’ll get mauled and eaten here,” Twilight answers, “I got this.”
“Hold on there, sugarcube, yer not thinking about going - right?” Applejack questions, “You’ll get killed!”
“Point?” Twilight asks bluntly, “That guy has my assistant, no one left behind!”
“So let us come with!” Rainbow Blitz flies, “We’ll pvide backup!”
“Anything that harms my love is going to be destroyed, Blitz, Destroyed.” Elusive glares at Blitz for his ‘sexy’ quote a while back.
“YAY!” Bubble Berry says, “OFF TO NEVERLAND WE GO!”
“F-For Angel…” Butterscotch preps himself, but realizes he’s been left behind. “H-hey!” Butterscotch quickly darts up, flying after them.
“It’s so spooky…” Elusive comments, “Are you sure you don’t need me by your side, my love?”
“ABSOLUTELY SURE,” Twilight looks behind them. “Wait—
“What?!” Rainbow Blitz growls, “You being a chickenshit is going to get us killed!”
“Where’s Butterscotch?” Twilight asks, raising several red flags in each of the five pony’s heads.
Butterscotch bumps into Knightly, who looks at Butterscotch with disdain.
“WHAT ARE THEE DOING HERE!?”
“Oh… you know… um… flying around…”
“FLYING AROUND?”
“flying around,”
“TWARTING OUR PLANS?”
“thwarting your p-plans?”
“ARE YOU?”
“no…”
“GOOD, BECAUSE THAT’LL BE BAD.”
“how bad?”
“WE’D HAVE TO KILL YOU!”
“that’s bad…”
“INDEED!” Knightly looks at the Elements book, noticing it says Twilight on the cover “STUPID VAMPIRE ROMANCE BOOK YOU GOT THERE.”
Butterscotch holds the book closer to himself. “yes… it’s a romance… and nothing else.” Butterscotch added the last bit roughly.
“WELL DUH, THAT’S HOW A ROMANCE BOOK WORKS,” Knightly says. “DUMBASS.”
“…”
“….”
“can I, um, help you?” Butterscotch asks, politely telling Night-Terror Knight to fuck off.
“NO, BUT WE CAN HELP YOU…” Knightly strokes the face of Butterscotch, holding a rape-like face.
“I need an adult—OOF!!”
“WE ARE AN ADULT!” Knightly slams his hoof into Butterscotch’s face and then stomping onto his belly, (“ARGH!” Butterscotch screams)knocking him out cold.. “BY THE WAY, WE ONLY HIT THEE BECAUSE OF OUR PENT UP HATE FOR SOLARIS.”
“…”
“TAKE THAT!” Knightly fades into mist as the gang finds him, gasping and sorry for leaving behind poor Butterscotch.
They soon come across a cliff.
“Blizy!~” Bubble says once more, for the soma-thousandth time.
“NOW WHAT?!”
“CONFLICT!” Bubble screams out as the rocks around Twilight crumbles and shatters, sending the sprawling main character screaming for her life.
Applejack dives after her, while Rainbow Blitz flies around and away.
Twilight slides on the land slide, dodging a stick that would have meant her implement and the shitty ending to a promising story. She avoids a rock to not be a squished marecake, all the while screaming.
Applejack practically goes full bad and rides the stick down the mountain, taking the lasso from under his Stetson and swinging it in a impossible fashion. Applejack tosses the lasso and lands it on the rock. Applejack slides as he runs out of time, Twilight approaching the cliff faster than Rainbow Dash can fly.
Applejack grabs hold of Twilight’s hoof firmly with his left hoof, but holds on tight to the rope with his right. Applejack standing on a slant between death and a rock. Applejack tries to pull up, but the rock threatened to drop they candy asses to the ground by wiggling.
“Hey Applejack!” Bubble says over the cliff.
“WHAT IN TARNATION IS SO IMPORTANT?!”
“I figured out what the rock is cooking!” Bubble Berry said, “And that’s a really awkward romance happening between you two!”
“WHAT?!” Twilight yells.
The rock opens up a mouth, “IF YOU CAN SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *GASP* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL-AH!” The rock abuses the letter E, “WHAT THE ROCK, IS COOKING!”
“Why must y’all do this now?!”
“BECAUSE THE ROCK SAID SO!!” Bubble screams.
“Twilight! Ah can’t hold on for much longer!” Applejack groans, panting as his muscles start to ache. (“HA!” Exclaims Pervy Sensei) Applejack looks up to see a blip of blue, “Yer going to hafta let go!”
“LET GO, ARE YOU MAD?!” Twilight screams at Applejack, “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but IT LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY BUCKING FAR DROP TO ME!”
“Twi’ Ah would never lead you off the right, honest path…” Applejack loosens his grips, his green eyes digging deep into Twilight’s. “Trust me.”
“…I do…”
Damn his pretty eyes…
Applejack forcefully raises his hoof, flinging Twilight off of the cliff’s side, watching with hope as she reaches out for Applejack – who was fighting the strong urge to dive after her – as she disappears from his view.
And for the second time, Twilight slams into a blue meteorite, oh wait, never mind, it was just Rainbow Blitz catching a violently sobbing Twilight. (For this reason, and this reason only,) Blitz didn’t buck her off of him so she could cry into his chest in peace.
Hey, she almost died by someone she should trust throwing her off of a cliff to be caught in probably her enemy’s arms: fucking call the wambulance if you want – let her have this moment to cry.
An awkward silence falls over them, Elusive refusing to leave Twilight’s side – no matter what. Both Blitz and Applejack look at Twilight occasionally, making sure she was alright with her first near death experience. Bubble was carrying the Rock on his shoulders – his name is Dwayne, and Butterscotch still unconscious and riding on the back of Applejack now.
“I spy… with my little eye… something black!” Bubble Berry grins.
“Your eye, if you don’t shut your mouth!” Blitz growls. “This isn’t a game, this bastard killed a dozen ponies already!”
A mist trail catches his eyes and he flares up. “THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE! HOLD IT, NIGHT-TAINT WUSS!”
“BLITZ WAIT!”
Rainbow Blitz chases the Mist trail, while the others minus Butterscotch chase after him. Leading them to a decayed bridge.
“BLITZ, YOU HARDHEAD WAIT FER US!” Applejack screams, “We can’t cross this bridge!”
“HES NOT GOING TO GET AWAY!!” Blitz enters the Mist, panting and snorting pure venom. “COME OUT!”
A swift buck to the sides struck Blitz, into the awaiting hooves of a pony that lacked heat. The pony behind Rainbow Blitz held him in a full nelson, little did they know Rainbow Blitz is actually a black belt in Kung Fu. (Look it up on CMC chronicles)
Rainbow Blitz slams the back of his head into the pony holding him in a submission hold. Rainbow Blitz frees his foreleg and he bends down to flip the pony over his shoulder before slamming his hoof onto the temple of the pony. Rainbow Blitz shoots back up onto his hind legs, wings flapping furiously, his arms in defense.
Another pony tries to charge him, but receives a joint to the neck and a one way trip to the rapid rivers below. Rainbow Blitz slams his hoof rapidly into the chest of another pony, then finishing the fake pony with an uppercut.
“YOU MANAGE TO DEFEAT TWO OUT OF THREE SHADOWBOLTS!” Knightly proudly exclaims “AND THE OTHER ONE IS NOW DROWINING IN THE RAPIDS! GOOD WORK!”
Rainbow Blitz aims a jab to Knight, but Knight merely slams his hoof into Blitz’s stomach – sending the black belt to his side, coughing and sputtering in pain. “God dammit, I didn’t plan that at all!”
“WHICH IS WHY WE DON’T KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!” Knightly chuckles, “WE HAVE AN OFFER TO MAKE YOU!”
“I’ll kill you!” Another attempt to attack, Rainbow Blitz slams into a tree – which breaks in half – and then flips onto the ground painfully.
“YOU WILL DIE TRYING,” Knightly warns. “LISTEN TO MY OFFER BEFORE I TOSS YOU IN THE RAPIDS!”
“Ask away—!” Blitz says, dazes.
“JOIN US, THE SHADOWBOLTS, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL RULE.”
“Fuck you, you laughed at your own man’s death – who the fuck does that?!” Blitz growls, “Why should I give you my loyalty when you offer none?”
“DAMNED IT YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON’T!”
“You drive a very hard bargin,” Rainbow Blitz sat up. “Kill me then, because I refuse to turn my back on those who need it the most—
“WE NEED IT THE MOST!”
“Fuck you!” Blitz spits on the hooves of a demon and receives being slammed into the ground multiple times. “Ow – that hurt – a lot...”
Blitz plays dead, leading to Knight to move on.
“God dammit, I’m going to rut that fucking nerd so hard when I get out of this forest…” Blitz ties up the bridge, leading to the others following.
“Blitz! You alright?” Twilight asks first, looking over his various of injuries. Especially the bruising mark on his cheek, because she ends up pecking him on the cheek. “Thanks for mot deserting us.” She whispers.
“FUCK. YOU.” Loudest whisper ever.
Pretty much cut and copy from the show, just a bit of awkwardness. Also, Twilight slips ahead, wising to put an end to this NOW.
Twilight enters the castle, her hooves clicking against the chilly cobblestone. “Gee, it’s cold...”
“BUT IT IS HOT NOW! YOU HAVE WALKED IN, MY LOVE.” Knight simply tosses the elements at Twilight’s hooves, each of them smashed to smithereens. He sits on the throne, smiling diligently. “COME! SIT WITH YOUR KING, MY QUEEN! WE HAVE A LOT TO RULE! AND A LOT OF SEX TO DO.”
“…” Twilight feels her eye twitching. QUICKLY gathering the elements. “no…”
RED FLAGS.
RED FLAGS.
“…NO GOD,” Twilight screams. “NO GOD PLEASE NO. NO. NO!"
Knightly waited.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
One sided battle later, a defeated Twilight is held by the neck of Knight’s whip, being strangled. While her friends are powerless to do except watch. The Knight stands over Twilight, hoof on her belly, he whispers sweet nothing into the deaf ear, occasionally biting it but Twilight can’t feel the ear.
The world around Twilight becomes fuzzy, unfocused, her head screaming for oxygen but lungs unable to supply. Twilight’s face feels strained as she loses consciousness.
Butterscotch flips through the book, a caption under the unicorn spell. “that’s convenient...” Butterscotch speaks the language, which is dead by tongue so writing it would be the same purpose as drawing a dick on an animal.
The elements start to glow.
“AY!” Knight screams “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
“what am I doing?!”
“THWARTING OUR PLANS?!”
“thwarting your plans?”
“ARE YOU?!”
“…” Butterscotch considered his answer. “yes.”
“….WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!”
Twilight and the gang them their strength replenished as the Elements start circling around each of them, and you heard this song and dance before.
The book flares as Butterscotch becomes the first Pegasus to ever cast a spell, fixing the Elements and restoring them to their proper form. The light emitting from the book shines off of Butterscotch’s glasses, making his eyes appear white.
Twilight’s eyes, however, became white as the Element of Friendship—
“Magic,” Bubble argues with the author, successfully breaking the fifth wall. “I’m not going to be friend-zoned and completely stray from any sort of continuity because you want to be refreshing! Stick to the manuscript!”
//My manuscript tells me that it should end here, Bubble, with all of you being friend-zoned.\\
“DRAW UP A NEW ONE!” Bubble yells, knocking on the monitor of the Author's screen. “HAVE HER END UP WITH ME”
//since you asked so nicely, I’ll draw up another manuscript, it might take me a second\\
The jeopardy theme song plays.
//Done, you spoiled shit\\
“YAY!!!”
Twilight’s eyes, however, became white as the last element adorns her head – surging her magical tenfold. It was the Element of Magic.
With the combined effort, they banished Knightly into the same place Cotton Eye Joe came from.
Solaris appears behind them. “My plan, has, been, successful!” The sun god thinks for a second. “I HOPE, that sort of blast kind-a killed Sin.”
“Solaris!” Twilight exclaims as she runs into the Stallions embrace, which there was no embrace to run into so it was more like a surprise hug you’d give your dad.
“Crickey, Twilight! My back is as awesome as it is ever, but not my heart!” Solaris chuckles, rubbing Twilight’s mane. “Don’t get choked out next time, I thought I had to intervene!”
“Wait—what?” Twilight pulls away from her mentor to give him a look of disbelief, “You didn’t…”
“What, I’ve been ruler for this long and non of you even questioned the idea of me sending her to specifically Ponyville?” Solaris grins, a mischievous look staining his noble face. “I planned the entire thing. Every detail.”
“Exactly how accurate was the plan?” Twilight asks, “Because he killed some ponies!”
“Nope, all Night-Terror who done the deed…” Solaris says darkly, “I shouldn’t have let them get murdered, that’s my mistake and I’ll lag for it myself.”
“Where do you think you’re going, bucko!?” Blitz pins a stallion, only an inch shorter than Twilight, “I’ve got half a body throbbing in pain because of you, lets see you speak your wiseass retort when I knock the sense out of you!”
“Rainbow Blitz, release him!” Solaris commands, his comedic tone dropping. “You will not lay a harming hoof onto my brother!”
“brother—what wait… hold on…” Twilight feels like a spiral going through her head. “I… don’t understand…”
“Me either, yer highness…” Applejack agrees, sitting as confused as ever. “Ah thought you were an only child?”
“NOPE,” Solaris, again with the childish tone masking his noble one. “As the Element of Honesty, you should have determined that to be a lie.”
“So this guy’s just going to walk?!” Blitz still holds the smaller Knight in his hooves. “He’s a psycho, he doesn’t belong in the same world as us…”
“His name is not Night-Terror Knight! It’s Artemis!” Solaris separates Rainbow Blitz and Artemis, who was now looking at all six stallions plus one mare staring at him. “A if there’s anyone you should be mad at, it should be me.”
“Why you?” Bubble asks, “It was him who was such a meanie pants!”
“He lived his entire life in my shadow,” Solaris says darkly, “These kinds of things will manifest if you let it grow in your mind, it’ll make your heart dark.”
Artemis looks at Twilight occasionally, both ponies quiet throughout the entire discussion but somehow they shared a connection that seems to bind them through the only constant they have.
Exactly damaged like Twilight, but in his own way.
Forced to slip on the shadow to avoid the glare of reality, because the real world’s cold. It’s bright.
But too bright for some, more than others.
“Did you hear me, Twilight?” Solaris notices her gaze into space.
“Oh, uh, not really...” Twilight looks up. Barbra’s asleep on her back, Angel asleep on Butterscotch’s arms.
“You still have a lot to learn about friendship…”
NO.
“so from here on out…”
NO.
“you will remain in Ponyville…”
OH GOD WHY.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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6456678
I'm gonna keep reading but honestly if you want to go crazy nuts improve the pacing it doesn't really fit this kind of comedy i do encourage going full on jump the shark while high fiving it with fireworksgoimg off in the background crazy 
6456699 I'm still kinda mixed on the 1st chapter okay but chapter 2 seems really rushed and Really blitz seems the only really funny one and there's a bit of a lot of jumping the shark you go from Knight basically molesting twilight on his pimp throne to butterscotch casting magic in all of two sentences
6463558
I had a lot of work to put in on other matters (schooling) so it made concentration hard.
I'll rewrite the chapter when I have spare time so the pacing is a lot more smooth than flexed out.
6464488
thamks, I keep that in mind.
Wow, I think I just died from either laughing my head off or caving in said head by facedesking so hard. Good thing I always have a phoenix feather on hand. Now where was I? Oh right, the chapter. So. Many. Goddamn. Puns and references. And the personalities... Why am I still reading this?!?
6467522
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I fucked up this chapter due to distractions, I'm drafting it up again to be less cringe-worthy but still cringeful.
i.ytimg.com/vi/DfURXKUwbFA/0.jpg
just to let you know the R63 for Angel is Lilith also love the DBZ team 4 star references