• Published 24th Sep 2015
  • 4,006 Views, 43 Comments

Twilight Sparkle and Her Unwanted Love Life - ProbableSarcasm



Of course, you know the story of The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, but this unofficial spin-off follows Twilight: an aromantic, smart-alec, antisocial, bookworm, as she tries to hurdle through the challenges that comes with living in Ponyville.

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[Character Page] |Light Spoilers|

Author's Note:

Character page is updated the series goes on, and I'll come back to it later. I'm uploading it now because even I was confused at my horrible attempt at comedic story telling, and I NEED this uploaded as soon as possible before I suddenly get disheartened at my quality.

There's bits of backstory, Rainbow Blitz's being the most detailed because it's so finely detailed, I might make a chapter around it. It's not spoilers because it's not going to be mentioned much, unless the characters are stuck focusing on the past. I just needed a way to stop being disliked because the Mane Six is 'out of character'

I'm also going to change the pace from a tongue in cheek story that doesn't take itself seriously to a harem revolving around serious problems that affects the mind and the body, while also keeping the comedic tone. Like lonliness, like affairs, stuff like that.


Contains spoilers, but they aren't BIG spoilers like OMFGGG!!! TWILIGHT DIED WTF WHY WOULD U SPOIL THAT???!?!!!! :fluttercry: :raritycry: :raritydespair:


Chill out, Rarity, I noticed some people getting confused at the characters and raging that they're out of character.

I realized that I'm moving way too slow in remaking the debut/prologue chapter, and I'll keep getting hated on First Impressions because of my fuck up on that chapter.

Let me say, that while writing this story is very fun as a parody, but, I can't bring myself to write in a different style like I did for Friendship is Awkward. It looks ugly. Parodies should be as good to read as the original source, but the original source will always be better because it's the original [quack]ing souce!

TL;DR: YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ Friendship is Awkward TO GET AN UNDERSTANDING OF ANY STORY WHAT-SO EVER.

This story is broken into sagas, some of them have an impact to the story, some of them true to the show, some of them are not. Remember when I said this is not official? Vengeful Spirit probably has an idea I'm doing this, but either he doesn't mind, or he's filing up a lawsuit to [squawk] me up the [oink] hole.

This is a tribute, a fanfiction of a fanfiction, a parody, a tongue in cheek story, but it's a very gritty story under the harem charm. Trust me, I'm going to earn that 'Dark' tag.

Now that this is almost completed, I need to remake Friendship is Awkward so it doesn't suck.

The Bookworm



When she's not being sarcastic, she's being awkward.

Twilight Sparkle and Cannon Twilight Sparkle highly contrast in character development, but her physical appearance only changes in a minor way. Twilight's right ear is mangled, chewed up seemingly, leaving it deaf and paralyzed. Although this has no effect on her personality, it has affected Twilight socially. Twilight Sparkle is aromantic, meaning she does not fall in love, although, she has a tendency to quickly be attached to an object or person. Rare cases, actually find herself affectionate around some ponies accidentally.

Twilight is highly literal and does not respond to sarcasm well, despite her usage of said sarcasm in her snarky remarks/thoughts. Twilight does not always retort, but only retorts to those who actually mean something. Why she responds to Rainbow Blitz's insults with nut-punches is unknown, probably for comedic relief but some people deserve a good ol' kick to the nuts.

Twilight does not respond to being flirted, for she has no reply to being hit on. She finds being courted shameful, not for her but for ones trying to court her, because the majority of them want nothing in regards of a relationship unless it involves intercourse and that's just gross. Twilight hates it when the stallions compete for her affection, mainly leaving them to duke it out for no reason.

Twilight chose to be alone in her youth, finding disdain and dislike for the ponies in her foal-hood leading up to age ten. She kept to herself and read, she read any thing she could get her hooves onto like phone-books to User Manuel to the Nintendon't 69. Because of her love for reading at such a young age, she became extremely knowledgeable in regards of literacy. Twilight also makes refrences to literacy occasionally, but will never understand Television Vision/TV Show/Movie references. Twilight Sparkle isn't a gamer, but she understands Gaming Pop Culture from magazines like GameController or The Escrapist.

Twilight Sparkle grew to be very anti-social before meeting Prince Solaris in her Final Exam in the Magic School for Gifted Unicorns, where she was tasked into hatching an chicken egg. An explosion of colors triggered a mental barrier to be released and Twilight's true potential shined, she causes the egg to hatch. Little did the ponies know, she accidentally hatched a Dragon Egg, later the very jerkass Barbra. The last unicorn to do such was Starswirl the Bearded. She became Solaris's apprentice shortly after.

Solaris is convinced she's internally hurting because of her ear, that she was shunned because of her ear. Twilight Sparkle tells Artemis that she simply does not like other ponies, sometimes for no reason. The Elements of Harmony are the only ponies Twilight has ever tolerated in her life.

Twilight is the Main Character and is usually accompanied by Barbra, her rude sidekick, or one of the Mane 6.


The Very Rude Companion


This dragon's sassy, she's judgmental, and almost eighteen in Pony Years but only seven in Dracon Years.

Barbra can be the worst female you can ever meet or the best friend you ever had, it all depends on how you make your first impression. Barbra is harsh at first, but when you learn that she's actually trying to connect with other ponies because she has no personality except to be an asshole. She's a defected dragon, due to the color of her egg she was thrown out and shunned by her dragon peers before being found by Butterscotch and donated to the castle because he had no room to store anymore chickens.

Barbra was hatched with a complication in her that keeps her from developing any heredity traits, literally making her a bland and uninteresting character. However, as she grew along with Twilight, they developed a very strong and unbreakable bond. Of course, she's sour doing chores, but she would rather be doing chores and live in a clean environment than be lazy and live in a dirty environment.

As Twilight Sparkle grew into her teenage years, the bond strains to hold a dragon pretending to be an asshole to avoid being nothing. Twilight Sparkle and Barbra will bicker and fight, almost rarely getting physical, but both will always stand up for each other because that's what family does. Barbra enjoys hanging out with other ponies, especially on errands, while Twilight studies.

For some reason, she develops a crush on Elusive. It grows stronger as time goes on,although Barbra will eventually grow out of it. Barbra is naturally a protective dragon, and can be very selfish. Although it isn't a big fact, but worth mentioning, Barbra is a big fan of movies, music, and video games and makes tons of refrences like: "Where in Cloudsdale is Carmen Sandiego...?" and "I've heard better speeches from Nickle Cage than that garbage, Senator Stallion."

Barbra and Twilight met prior to the story, Barbra has no interest in romancing Twilight Sparkle and even gets disturbed when anyone brings up a possibility of a romance between Twilight Sparkle and Barbra. Barbra is a reoccurring/semi-main character, she has a minor-major role in every story-arc (which I call Saga to poke fun at DBZ) except for Dawn Guard.


The Lonely, Quiet Guy


He later gets a haircut and contacts.


The kind, nerdy, adorkable stallion.

Butterscotch is the prime example of a stallion who cares a little too much, setting himself up with the promises that life will always get better for him if he becomes a better stallion. Butterscotch does not work out regularly but has a strict fruits and veggie diet; he's skinny, he's fragile, but at least he won't suffer a heart attack like somepony would.

Butterscotch does not like it when you go into his backyard without permission, Butterscotch houses sick, endangered, or elderly animals in his backyard. His backyard contains of a fresh water stream that leads to a pond filled with schools of exotic fishes, grass so finely cut it feels like a carpet, and multiple trees to hide from the glaring heat of the sun. Some of them bearing fruit for consumption.

Stay out of his shed. At all costs.

it is later learned that he was Jack the Ripper in his VERY VERY past life

Butterscotch wears rectangular glasses, the glasses are for Butterscotch's inability to read, write, or see correctly without them. He later gets contacts. Butterscotch is a book writer and a illustrator, but only in his off time does he write stories. Butterscotch writes archives about the animals he sees so he never forgets how to take care of said animal, he also has finely detailed sketches of the animals in the books along with information.

Butterscotch is a huge fan of video games, especially Metal Gear Solid because he had a boyhood crush on Solid Snake and Naked Snake/Venom "Punished" Snake/Big Boss. During Twilight's invasion into the Forbidden Scroll Room chapter and the Metal Gear Sparkle story-arc/saga, he acts as Otacon. Butterscotch is the combination of Octacon and Fluttershy, because of reasons. Butterscotch also is very attracted to Twilight's accidental cosplay of Solid Snake, but at the same time attracted to Bubble Berry's purposeful cosplay of a Third Echelon Agent. Butterscotch is bisexual, but he's more attracted to Twilight Sparkle than any-pony else.

Butterscotch carries around the Book of Elements for emergencies, he became the first pegasus to ever cast a spell in hundreds of years after regenerating the Elements of Harmony from their inactive state. Butterscotch doesn't do spells, however, as it makes him feel physically ill every time he casts a spell.

Butterscotch is a coward, he's timid, he's antisocial to the point where he would stay silent for an entire day and no one would notice. Butterscotch talks quietly and yells even quieter, but if he's pissed off or REALLY excited, he can be louder than Thomas the Train and a Banshee from the Halo franchise fucking each other in a thorn bush -- yes, that loud.

Butterscotch relies on Angel, his pet rabbit, for support sometimes. Butterscotch would mostly be traveling around with the pet bunny, because Butterscotch would not travel anywhere else on his own due to his really uncanny ability to be the unluckiest stallion on the face of this earth. Angel's mother, Dannie, is Butterscotch's first friend, however, Angel grew up to be an asshole who only stays with Butterscotch out of pity. Everyone's an Asshole Because of Comedy.

Like Twilight, Butterscotch never had friends before the Stallion/Mane 5, later 6. Unlike Twilight, Butterscotch didn't have a choice to be alone or not. Butterscotch internally tormented himself during his childhood; viewing his problems as his fault for being spineless, he looks onto other ponies playing sports or having fun. Butterscotch never punished himself by cutting, or not eating, or suicidal thoughts, but he would scold himself to the point where he would look in the mirror and hate the pony he sees. Because that pony is why Butterscotch was alone, his own enemy, his wall from the outside world.

Butterscotch hates small talk with a passion.

Butterscotch and Twilight Sparkle met during Friendship is Awkward pt. 2 as a parody to the show and the source material, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine. (T.U.L.L.O.D.S (tul-odes)). Butterscotch didn't know what to think about Twilight Sparkle and/or her ear, but he falls in love shortly after the Dawn Guard Saga after Twilight Sparkle saves him from a landslide.

Twilight Sparkle and Butterscotch has a rather silent branch to sit on, which you will see later on.


The Foul Mouthed Jerk with a Rainbow Heart
(not homosexual I pinkie promise)


He later gets a mane cut.

(and color because coloring takes forever)


The cocky, loud, brash, and arrogant pony with a mouth for a sailor and a heart of gold

Lets be frank, Rainbow Blitz is a troublemaker punk. Rainbow Blitz has almost never thought of any pony other than himself until meeting Gildo, a Griffin, in Flight School. Gildo and Rainbow Blitz ruled the school until they both graduated, they became roommates for a short period of time before Gildo moved away to live on his own. Rainbow Blitz is a jerk, but he's always got your back when you need him the most.

Rainbow Blitz swears a lot, almost to the point where I thought about making this story M Rated instead of T Rated because of his vulgar mouth. Rainbow Blitz insults everyone, especially Butterscotch to the point where Butterscotch isn't even phased by his rainbow-headed friend's mockery. Piss Rainbow Blitz off and he'll bark thunder and scream lighting, verbally driving even the most harden pony into tears. Rainbow Blitz is cocky, arrogant, and sometimes even stupid but he's not all talk.

Rainbow Blitz is a black belt in Karate, although it's unspecified what Dan he is or where he learned Karate. All that's explained is who taught Rainbow Blitz, Mr Miagi. However, he is undisciplined and pretty much goes against Mr. Miagi's teachings to never use Karate in anger or vengeance. Which he does anyways. This means Rainbow Blitz can get his ass whooped by an opponent who is cool headed and tactical.

Rainbow Blitz is highly cultured in modern references, as he loves to watch T.V, Sports, movies, music, video games, and plays. Rainbow Blitz is only basic in his reading and has a tough time knowing what complex words mean or any story-book refrences. Rainbow Blitz is a big sports fan, but an even better gamer. He cosplay`s as video game characters at conventions, even know he'll heavily deny being there.

Rainbow Blitz plays as Liquid Snake/Liquid Ocelot in the Metal Gear Sparkle Saga/Story Arc.

Rainbow Blitz wasn't always foul mouthed, short tempered, and obsessed with joining the Wonderbolts. He use to be a prankster punk, always tongue in cheek, filled with piss and vinegar. The 'bad colt' of every filly's dreams.
When Rainbow Blitz was eighteen, after Gildo moved away, he fell in love with a mare named Lightning Dust. He met Lightning Dust in a hotel by mistake during a really bad storm, the front desk colt accidentally gave him a spare to another room. Rainbow Blitz walked in on Lightning Dust about to get in the shower, which was awkward at first but quickly explained by Blitz.

The power went out, meaning the room was locked until the generator starts working again. For some reason, Lightning Dust continues with her shower but leaves the bathroom door purposefully open. She seduces Rainbow Blitz to avoid awkward tensions.

They have a one night stand.

They meet again by sheer luck and had another.

And another.

And another.

Lightning Dust moved into Cloudsdale and became friends with benefits with Rainbow Blitz for almost a year.

Lightning Dust might as well been a carbon copy of Rainbow Blitz, because they were probably a match made in heaven. It was a case of Bonnie and Clyde, they pulled pranks on everyone they knew, on each other, and allegedly once robbed a bank. After becoming an official couple, they moved closer to Ponyville so Rainbow Blitz could work on the weather without flying for miles or taking a train. Rainbow Blitz met Applejack in Running of the Leaves marathon, being tied for first place. A brief bromance happened but it didn't last long after meeting the rest of the Mane 5, later 6.

Rainbow Blitz's relationship with Lightning Dust was passionate, they had a very, very, very active sex life.

That's three 'very'`s, that's pretty serious. Rainbow Blitz was in love so hard, he ignored Applejack's warnings of Lightning Dust being unfaithful with him and only focused on her and her alone. After a year, Lightning Dust goes on to become a Wonderbolt Trainee, moving to Canterlot. Rainbow Blitz couldn't afford moving again, money was tight then. They had a long distance relationship, occasionally flying out to meet her. Rainbow Blitz even had a jar full of bits labeled A Ring for My Love.

He was going to propose to her when she visits him.

The day of her visit, two months later, Rainbow Blitz received a letter. The letter was in Lightning Dust's handwriting, but the smell of cologne hung over it. The letter was an apology, a confession. Lightning Dust didn't become a Wonderbolt Trainee, she lied so she had an excuse to live in Canterlot. In Canterlot was a stallion named Flash Sentry, she had been in two relationships - meeting Rainbow Blitz first. It was going on for a while, a month after getting together.

Rainbow Blitz was devastated, the betrayal wrenched his heart and molded it until it left with Lightning Dust. For weeks Rainbow Blitz kept looking at himself in the mirror, thinking he was the reason for her cheating. He falls under depression, refusing help from his friends out of pride. His depression, the missing chunk of his heart turns him into the incredibly rude, foulmouthed, jerk Twilight Sparkle sees today. He obsesses about joining the Wonderbolts to fill the still hurting hole in his heart.

Rainbow Blitz is a 'friend' who'll help someone out when they need it the most, because he knows what it felt like to be abandoned and wanting help, even if the pony refuses help. Another reason is he hates Lightning Dust with a fiery passion, the worst thing that could ever happen to Rainbow Blitz is if he weasels out of a situation and abandons some-pony.

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Blitz met in Friendship is Awkward pt. 2 after Rainbow Blitz crashes into Twilight Sparkle on accident. Twilight Sparkle sits on his balls accidentally, which instead of making sexually attraction like a bad clop fiction, it actually hurt his testicles. The scene is a parody of Dragon Ball Z Abridged to Vegeta's rage scream and a parody of the source material, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, where Dusk Shine has his face in Rainbow Dash's lower regions.

Rainbow Blitz and Twilight Sparkle share a love--hate tension, although it is unknown why Twilight Sparkle feels so negatively about Rainbow Blitz. Rainbow Blitz flirts with Twilight Sparkle relentlessly because he knows she hates it, which could mean that Rainbow Blitz messes with Twilight just to spite her. Although, he got extremely jealous when Knighty Night-Terror Knight used his mist to molest Twilight's mouth and ears.


The Barrel of Cactus, Honesty, Sweat, Blood, and Apples


Much like Mick Foley, who I strongly compare to this character, Applejack is an honest pony who doesn't go to the extremes.
He goes hard-fucking-core.


Simply, Apple Cactus Jack is his canon show counterpart, he's born on the farm and he plans on dying on that farm. Honesty is the best policy for this stallion, for he's great at sniffing out the line between truth and fiction--lies and truths, so you best put on your truth serum hat because he does not fool around with liars. Nor can he lie himself, in fact, he's terrible at lying.

Applejack has a knack for going to the extremes, sometimes pushing his body way past the limit and straining himself to the point of injury. Injury, however, doesn't just piss off Applejack, he seems to have a tendency to get riskier with each injury he suffers. Sort of like bloodlust, the more he gets knocked down - the more he comes right back up to hit harder. This is how he's able to buck so many trees on his farm despite knowing he's sore, injured, or ill. Pain drives him to work harder, but not smarter.

Almost getting cut to ribbons by Night-Terror Knight wasn't enough for the dare devil Farm-pony, Applejack tackled the Knight into tacks, which were on a table, which was lit on fire. Doing so, he begun to smile despite the blood running down his face. Despite this, Applejack is probably the most sanest out of the group, following Butterscotch.

Applejack, much like his tendency to get nuts, is brutally honest. Sometimes, Applejack doesn't know how much a truth would hurt, and he would practically shower you in truth. For the better this quality has, this is also a quality Applejack really needs to get rid of if he values any sort of trust between him or his friends. This is a reason why there's a rocky relationship between him and Rainbow Blitz, as they both are prone to clash for sometimes no reason.

Applejack is highly competitive, which causes him to occasionally butt-heads with Rainbow Blitz and Elusive. Why Elusive? Applejack once made a bet with Elusive that he could stay clean the entire day while also doing his farm work. If Elusive lost, he'd die his hair green. If Applejack lost, he gets a girly makeover. It didn't end in either's favor, and now it's semi-personal

Applejack had a bromance with Rainbow Blitz, but it was short-lived after learning about Lightning Dust.

Applejack plays Revolver Ocelot in the Metal Gear Sparkle Saga.

Applejack personifies his faults, instead of repressing them. Applejack would sometimes feel really risky and competitive one day, but then feel fatherly and wise the next day. His middle name is Cactus Barrel Fruit, but shorten to Cactus. Applejack has a lot of theories why, but the most realistic one is that AJ's mother was not faithful one day. It would explain why he enjoys risks while his brother and sister does not. He calls his other half of himself Cactus Jack, but not a lot of times.

Applejack is incredibly strong, could be the strongest in Ponyville if it wasn't for Rainbow Blitz or Red Gala. Yes, his older sister is still very strong.

Applejack enjoys chewing on hay, onion weeds, and even sometimes cigarettes--even though he doesn't smoke. Applejack hates smoking, he would forcefully take out any cigarette he sees and snaps it in half.

Applejack sucks at fighting and would get his ass kicked in a fair fight, but if it's a no hold bared brawl, may the hair on Solaris's bollocks help you. EIther your leaving in a stretcher or Applejack's leaving in a body bag.

Twilight Sparkle and Apple Jack met in Friendship is Awkward Pt. 1 when Twilight Sparkle visits the farm and has a feast with the Apple Family. Twilight Sparkle learns that she has a undying love for pop tarts, which will never be explained. Grandpappy remarks about Applejack pairing up with the unicorn, even going as far as naming names for the children. Applejack complains that he JUST met this mare, and she's VERY awkward.

Twilight Sparkle and Applejack are literally a case of a When a City Girl meets a Farm Boy, there's just something about each other that just feels... right. In a way... I don't know, fucking sue me like Vengeful Spirit did.