Twilight Sparkle and Her Unwanted Love Life

by ProbableSarcasm

Dawn Guard Saga |One Unfavorable Morning|

Author's Note:

Okay, so the prologue is pretty much being rewritten when I have time.

Back to the usual writing style.

DAWN GUARD SAGA

|Chapter One: ONE UNFAVORABLE MORNING|

By Condescending-Sarcasm

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“Blast it!” Twilight swears, rattling the locked door to her house. Twilight had left the keys inside of the library, which also acts as her house. Her house is the Golden Oaks Library, which is a library and also her house. Twilight chose this house because no other house looks interesting enough to hold all of her delectable books, that, and she’s the main character so she gets whatever she wants.

//Did the narrator also mention it’s her house?\\

//We had to fire the old narrator we had for the ‘Friendship is Awkward’ chapter/pilot/prologue as he did a terrible job of telling the story arc. He’s currently suing for an undisclosed amount of money, even though we have no money after being sued by Vengeful Spirit.\\

It's a few weeks and a half after the whole Night-Terror Knight situation and it’s been relatively quiet, peacefully busy the town of Ponyville is despite being on the verge of death and destruction. Like the My Little Pony version of Townsville; no matter what happens, it’s always keep calm and carrying on – like that iconic poster in Canterlot.

Ponyville, Townsville, what are the odds?

What is Canterlot? A town where the Princes resides, looking over the lands in a structurally impossible castle right, by an even bigger waterfall. Canterlot, breaking the fourth wall for reasons of getting the point across, is the MLP adaptation of Great Britain – which is why Twilight has a British accent.

//Hi again, it’s the author. I’m sure you’re either not laughing at the references I’m making or down-voting the story because it’s a straight rip off, I’d down-vote it too because I’m a terrible author… but enough of my self-deprecation and onto a unwanted explanation: It’s called a Canterlis accent, because saying Cantish accent sounds like an insult.\\

Where’s Barbra? Barbra’s staying at Butterscotch’s house to help the yellow shy stallion work on his archive. Why isn’t she swooning over Elusive, as usual? Twilight has no clue. A stallion who writes a book for every species on the planet is something to keep an eye on, the book, not the stallion – although Butterscotch is quite adorable.

HOWEVER, Butterscotch is quite scary when you piss him off. How do you piss off the one stallion who is seemingly un-pissing off-able? Either the obvious go into his shed, which is just full of tools, or go into his backyard without permission. What does he do when you go into his backyard?

One time, a bear entered his backyard—looking to eat Angel. Butterscotch tried to calm the bear down and lead him away, but the bear gets into his backyard. Butterscotch straight-up snapped the motherfucker’s neck, like he’s done it before.

//I don’t think you understand, he snapped a bear’s neck. A bear. You try even being NEAR a bear and that son of a bitch will maul you to a carcass.\\

TL; DR—don’t go into his shed, at all. Ask permission before going into his backyard or he’ll go Agent 47 on your candy ass.

Twilight tries again to open the door, hoping that the true meaning of insanity wasn’t being applied to the current situation. It didn’t budge.

Twilight leans her forehead onto the door, feeling the urge to buck the door down – however rich she is, she doesn’t want to go all NY Police Department on her house and spend hundreds of bits on a replacement of her door.

Its mahogany wood, you can only get that shit in the Griffon Kingdom. The Griffins, despite their kingdom being called Griffon with an ‘ON’ instead of an ‘IN’, tend to eat ponies who even breathes in their air the wrong way.

Yeah, it’s pretty expensive.

“Bloody nora!!” Twilight yells her soon-to-be annoying catchphrase, banging on the door. Twilight backs away from the door, unable to get inside. “How do you even get locked out of your own house and leave the keys. INSIDE?!”

Twilight groans, “I could pull a Rainbow Blitz and smash through the window…” Twilight shakes her head at this. “I’ll get hurt, glass shards are a bugger to get out.” Twilight sits down on her haunches, hoof pressed against her chin firmly.

A remedy to this situation, maybe she could open her window inside? Twilight looks upwards, towards her window, and grimaces. It’s a pretty long climb up, falling would either be The Universe’s fatality or a very awkward trip to the Emergency Room.

“Bugger it,” Twilight hisses, feeling herself betraying her own character. “I’ll go… ugh…” It’s a hard word to say for Twilight, as Twilight spent all her free time inside reading. Not preforming scientifically irresponsible experiments – those are on Saturdays only – or fucking up a very important spell because of the Pink Tasmanian Devil; those are on a Monday, Twilight hates Mondays.

The magical word was, socialize. Twilight gags at the thought, pretty much not liking anyone in this god damned town. Twilight isn’t her canon self, meaning her character development isn’t instantaneous – she’s a loner and a loner she will be. Because of this, she doesn’t know how to have a conversation without fucking up.

“I guess I’ll go check Myspace…” Twilight says grimly, walking towards town center. Twilight approaches a mailbox, with Myspace’s logo graffiti tagged on the side. There’s a lot, Twilight means a lot of cobwebs on it.

Twilight Sparkle flares up her horn in a magical aura, logging onto the ancient forum system. “A lot of messages… okay… let’s look…” Twilight deadpans, skimming over the majority of them.

“They’re all asking me for sex, great,” Twilight looks at her brimming friend-request, none of them new since every-pony doesn’t use Myspace anymore. Oh Tom, you automated bastard, you’re Twilight’s only friend who doesn’t mock Twilight or flirts.

Sometimes, at the same time.

“Hey how you doin’, sexy egghead?” A rugged voice flirts/mocks at the same time above, Twilight looks upwards with a glare. “You still on Myspace? My god, you’re fucking uncultured.”

“The way you flirt is shameful,” Twilight growls. Remember when the narrator said she has friends? Scratch that, she has no friends, Butterscotch and Applejack are the only ones who gets the title of Associate.

“What do you want, cluck-head?” Twilight scowls, crossing her forelegs across her chest. “I’m busy.”

“Busy looking at a dead website,” Rainbow Blitz retorts, still leaning over the cloud he stands on. “Seriously, switch over to Facebook – and no, you Canterlis bookworm-y shit, there’s no books.”

That foul-mouth is Rainbow Blitz, Twilight’s worse pony that she’s ever met and the Element of Loyalty. Rainbow Blitz somehow picked up that Twilight hates attention, when she cried in front of her surprise party, and he pretty much flirts with her nonstop. He knows Twilight hates it, but he does it anyways.

“Why are you bothering me?” Twilight asks, closing the website VIA discharging her magic. “Why today? Can’t you see I’m already having a bad day without you breaking my property/brain cells?”

“Because I feel like it,” Rainbow Blitz shrugs, “What? You’re going to tell the guards on me?”

“I should!”

“…” Rainbow Blitz stays silent for a second, flicking his right year. Twilight waits, then turns around to walk away. “Fuck the police, coming straight from the underground.”

“The what?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just quoting a song I heard,” Rainbow Blitz shook his head, “Anyways, what are you doing out of your grave? I thought you died.”

“Not yet, not for a long time I hope,” Twilight replies awkwardly, trying to leave the conversation but Rainbow Blitz follows her by flying. Twilight walks faster, hoping to dissuade the fastest thing alive from chasing her.

“Stop following me!” Twilight whips around, glaring at Rainbow Blitz. “It’s creepy!”

Rainbow Blitz feigns a gasp, landing next to Twilight. “Do my ears perceive me?! Is the one and only Twilight Sparkle, the most awkward pony since Butterscotch, telling me to fuck off?”

“Yes!” Twilight exclaims, “Go away, do something worthwhile! On your bike you go!”

“I don’t have a bike, is one of your eyes as bad as your right ears?” Rainbow Blitz retorts, he grins as he continues to mock Twilight. “As smart as you are—OW!! FUCK!!—” Twilight snatches a cane from a limping pony and slams the object between Rainbow Blitz’s legs, hitting his family jewels.

“Sorry, did that hurt?” Twilight asks Rainbow Blitz as he groans and rolls on the ground, giving back the cane to the limping pony. “It meant to shut you up.”

“Yeah it hurt, why don’t you kiss it to make it feel better?” Rainbow Blitz retorts/flirts, he glares at Twilight Sparkle, whom glares back. “Or better yet, use that horn of yours to conjure yourself a male-you and go fuck yourself!”

“As long as it’s not you,” Twilight scoffs, walking away from Rainbow Blitz. Twilight Sparkle mentally smacks herself for coming up with such an awkward reply to what she said. She turns around and walks back to Blitz.

“Sorry,” She says, “For acting like a… erm…”

“Bitch,” Rainbow Blitz finished. “You were acting like a bitch.”

“Yeah, that,” Twilight says, an awkward silence falling between them. “So… can I ask for a favor?”

“As long as it doesn’t involve me taking car—” Rainbow Blitz begins before Twilight cuts him off with an awfully blunt favor.

“I need you to break into my house,” Twilight bluntly says, “I got locked out of my house.”

“What’s in it for me?” Rainbow Blitz asks, feeling like this is a trap. “What do I get in return?”

“Satisfaction of being a Good Samaritan?”

“Fuck your Samaritans,” Rainbow Blitz swears. Rainbow Blitz thinks for a second before sighing, he speaks again. “Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”

---

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Blitz walks to the Golden Oaks Library silently, neither of them talking. This is pretty much the good side of Rainbow Blitz that Twilight’s ever seen, his loyalty, his drive to help those who need him the most. Twilight, being locked out of her house, is exactly that.

Twilight Sparkle takes a minute to look at him, addressing all of his features. Being an athletic stallion, he is muscular and lean – not as muscular as Applejack or as tall as the said farmer, but still impressive to for a Pegasus. His mane is zig zags, all of them a respective color of the spectrum. His eyebrows zig-zags. Even his tail. Rainbow Blitz has a bandage on his nose, multiple strips on his legs, and a couple on his body.

Approaching the house were two ponies, Earth Ponies, both of them wearing red cloth under their chainmail armor. They hold swords in their sheaths, but the one on the left holds a scroll in his mouth while the one on his right holds his sword handle. Uneasiness fills both Rainbow Blitz and Twilight Sparkle.

“Twilight Sparkle?” The earth pony on the left asks. His voice was hoarse, rougher than Rainbow Blitz’s voice. The chainmail looked chinked, old blood staining the armor, this stallion has been through his fair share of war. The stallion wears an eyepatch as well, the end of a scar piercing his eyebrow.

“Who’s asking?” Rainbow Blitz answers for Twilight, standing in front of her protectively. Twilight silently thanks Blitz before looking back to the two stallions, cladded in armor. “And what’s with the steel?”

“I am Chief Petty Officer First Class, Battalion Vortex. The gentle-colt on my right is Private Fawn.” The stallion on the right declares. Vortex is nicely groomed, his coat a shiny charcoal black, his mane clipped to a buzz cut and covered by a helmet. His voice is strong, as any pony in high rank positions would be, but not prideful. This is odd, Twilight thinks. The stallion on the left has definitely been through more peril, more deserving of either a promotion or a higher rank.

Twilight calls a lie on the recruit bit mentally, why is this Vortex seemingly untouched when the recruit is older and more experienced? “I’m representing the guild of Dawn Guard and the Kingdom of the Sun.”

Twilight’s ear flickers. Does she know what the Dawn Guard Guild is? Yes, it’s the group of soldiers who helps Solaris’s military, The Kingdom of the Sun, fight in wars. Sometimes, they run errands for Solaris. In these errands, they would never send a high rank to do them, so why is he here?

“Yeah? So?” Rainbow Blitz sneers, “What exactly do you two want?”

“We have an arrest warrant – signed by Prince Solaris himself,” Vortex says, beckoning Fawn to come forward with the scroll. Twilight took the scroll and unwrapped it, reading the words for what they hold is the truth.

Twilight’s chest strikes deep, as if an ice cold sword had stabbed her. She continues to read. The scroll was Solaris’s M.O, being tediously long and filled with unnecessary sentences. However, it only truly stings when Twilight reads her name – no charges were listed but it’s still for arrest.

Twilight Sparkle read’s Solaris’s signature over and over and over again, refusing to believe that this happens today – the same time Twilight loses her keys to her house. Today just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?

“For Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight grimly finishes, looking back to the two stallions. Twilight’s bad ear flickers subconsciously, Twilight’s breath feels like stones dripping from her mouth, the cold vice capturing her chest.

“Yes ma’am,” Vortex nods his head, he looks at Rainbow Blitz – who snatches the paper from Twilight’s hooves. Rainbow Blitz reads over the paper, despite his limited skill in literacy he still figures out the severity of the words. Vortex’s ready to draw his sword, so is Fawn. “We don’t know what for, all we know is: you’re accused of a crime and we have to escort you to Solaris’s castle for questioning.”

“We would appreciate it if you cooperate, Ms. Sparkle,” Fawn adds, his blue eye filled with anticipation but glossy with hesitance. “We’re aware of your status with Solaris and know of your history, you probably did nothing but it would do you good to come with us.”

“The hell she is!” Before Twilight could speak, Rainbow Blitz answered for Twilight. This time, Twilight silently curses him for that before looking back at the stallions. “She’s done nothing and you can’t prove she did shit!”

Twilight remains quiet, fearful of speaking and drawing attention onto her. She couldn’t let an altercation break out between a Dawn Guard soldier and Rainbow Blitz happen, however, so Twilight quietly, but shamefully, circles around Blitz and sits in front of the stallions. Twilight’s heart echoes in her ear. “I’ll come quietly, but only under one condition – besides the do as you say or get cut down consideration.”

“What is it, fair madam?” Vortex lifts his hoof up, over his shoulder, to silence Fawn – who was going to decline. “We wish naught harm upon you, tell us your wishes – quickly too.”

“I want the Elements of Harmony with me as we travel,” says Twilight, confidence only minimal in her voice. “Applejack, Butterscotch, Bubble Berry, Rainbow Blitz, and Elusive.”

“I’m Rainbow Blitz,” Blitz says, glaring.

“Very well,” Vortex nods his head, flickering his hoof to send Fawn away to round up the ponies. “Fawn, go collect Applejack, Butterscotch, Bubble Berry, and Elusive.”

“Sir, I don’t think—”

“That’s your problem,” Vortex glares, turning to Fawn and baring his teeth at the recruit. “You don’t think, now go get the ponies – that’s an order! On the double!”

Comments

[ProbableSarcasm]

Link to the Cute Twilight Picture used in the story. Please support the artist.

[BukkakeKing]

Hotta say I'm not 100% on twilight using curse words that I've only heard my Irish grandmother say but I'm so starved for rule63 that I'll read almost anything at this point. Keep up the good work.

[Starlight Nova]

What is the T.U.L.L.O.D.S Universe?

[JackOfTrades]

Why didn't she teleport inside her house? She has magic, why didn't she use it?

[ProbableSarcasm]

6473002
Plothole reasons

[ProbableSarcasm]

6472020
The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine

[Ulrezaj]

6473002
Because that would be boring. To some extent, all of life's problems can be solved by teleporting.
The line at a store too long? Teleport to the front.
Getting mugged? Teleport a wad of dirt into the muggers heart.
Locked door? Teleport inside.
Have a tumor? Teleport it out.
Too much junk mail? Teleport it into a fire.
Don't feel like walking? Just teleport.
Annoying door-to-door salesman? Teleport them to the other side of town.
The list goes on. I'll admit the tumor would be tricky though...

[yeahok]

Blitz was being a dick. Why is Twilight even apologizing to him? How annoying......

[Double_Bubble]

6726535
Because she was about to ask a favor.